Talk About Marriage banner

41 - 60 of 81 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,276 Posts
How exactly is living and working abroad "frivolous and immature"?

What kind of boundaries do you have with your high conflict ex? Do you placate her to avoid the conflict?

Gotta be honest...if your gf was here I'd tell her that you come with too much baggage for her and this relationship isn't a good fit.

Since it's only been 7 months why not put off buying a house for another year to see what happens here? You're asking a lot of someone that you currently see as a good time.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,092 Posts
Thanks, frusdil, this is helpful. My ex is also high conflict (as I've written about before here), and I think my GF is wary of that from some of my stories. I'll respond more, below.



We've been together for 7 months. We've spent a lot of time together dealing with the COVID-19 quarantine and helping eachother through that as well. so it feels like a longer time than that. We're both starting to trust eachother, and I can tell she likes to be with me, and has gone out of her way to see me. We've both been there to help eachother out with problems that have arisen during this time. So, I'd have to say, I see the markings of someone I can trust and build a life together with.

She never married or had kids because of some life & career choices she made that I can see she has some regrets over (she moved abroad twice for work). But has generally had long term relationships. Her decisions to live/work aborad were what I would consider frivolous or immature, (she would say "romantic") but hopefully those are in the past(?)

I left this next part out of the first post (I go back and forth between whether to write everything, or be concise), but after the blow up over the living situation, we talked and she dialed it down a bit. She said she felt I was making a unilateral decision over housing that would affect both of us without her input, and got defensive.

At this point, I understand I need to have another conversation with her about this.

She has her reasons for not wanting to buy a place in the burbs... I get it. She doesn't want to be close to my XW, and wants to live in a fun, boutique-kinda neighborhood, with a cute little house in a walkable area with bars and restaurants nearby. Don't we all!!! :)

This is - I agree - a wonderful thing. The problems, as I see them are:

  • even the smallest houses in the areas we've looked at are about twice what we could comfortably afford.
  • these houses (2 bedroom/1 bath) would make things very cramped when my daughter is over. if we had our own child someday, they wouldn't have their own room, or my daughter would have to sleep on the couch. This is not something I would agree to.
  • her mom & brother's family would likely stay with us when they're in town... there would be absolutely no space for that.
  • I'd have to drive an hour to get my daughter during rush hour, and another hour back home on nights I have her, and get up and out the door by 6 - 6:30AM to get her to school on time in the burbs. So that not only cuts an hour out of time I get to see her in the evenings, but adds a lot of stress to leave work early and get ready for school.
  • right now, schools in the city are lousy, especially middle school and up. Private schools in our city are $5K- $15K a year. Yikes. So in addition to buying a house we can barely afford, we'd need to be driving our careers ahead & working more to ensure we can afford to school our kids.
So I need to have a conversation with her about these things... at some point. I'm not in a position to buy a house right now, due to employment uncertainty, which will likely be resolved next month.

if we bought a place in the suburbs, we'd have:
  • plenty of space for kids and visiting relatives
  • good public schools for kids for the foreseeable future
  • either of us could afford to maintain the house if something happened to the other & we'd be able to pay down the mortgage and build equity in it, without stretching our finances
  • she would likely have to leave her current job. but she hates it, has told me she could get the same job or better job in the burbs, and it would pay better.
  • we could still go into the city on weekends or even weeknights to visit parks, shows, museums, bars and restaurants. it's not like we're moving to a cabin in Montana... it's 15 miles or 20 mins into the city w/out traffic.
I guess it comes down to her reaction... If she can understand these things, and accommodate them understanding that this is a life she's choosing to build together with me, and I'm not imposing them on her, then I think she's a keeper and this is how it will go.

Otherwise... I'm just enjoying a fling.

I can put this conversation off, but will need to have it at some point. Any advice on the best time/method for doing that?

Obviously the issue of marriage is going to be brought up as well... but I don't know if I'm ready to make that commitment and ask her to marry me. Ideally, she'd agree buying a place in the burbs is the right move, and we could live there for a while, and get married sometime next year - after the Pandemic ends. If it ever does...

Just thinking out loud with some of this...
Ideally, you could table this for now and agree to discuss at the 12 month mark, by which you should both know whether what you have is serious enough to have lasting potential. Ideally, lol. That likely won't work for her though, it wouldn't for me, now that the issue has come up it needs to be addressed. I think you need to either have the discussion now, OR agree to table the issue together, and revisit at 12 months.

You could also go ahead and buy a house now, but tell your gf that your plan is to rent it out and buy another with her when the time comes.

I don't understand her issue living in the burbs, but then I enjoy suburban life. Her desire to live in a boutique neighbourhood is a nice one, but very unrealistic, given there is a child involved here - your daughters life shouldn't have to be uprooted that much - can you imagine being a kid and being dragged out of bed at 6am in Winter, to drive for an hour to get to school? No thanks.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
1) From a woman's perspective, would you move into a house your BF bought on his own... or is it really that important that it be "a joint endeavor"?

Yes, it's really that important that it be a joint endeavor. Many women have made the mistake of moving in only to soon regret it.

1a) Is there anything I could do to make it more palatable... like let her decorate? Give her joint ownership in a pre-nup if we have kids?

And this is just one of numerous reasons that it's a very, very bad. That grown woman doesn't need you to "let her" do anything. If the house were equally yours and hers, you wouldn't even have considered wording your statement that way.

2) Does this situation look like a long term deal breaker?

Yes, it's a long-term dealbreaker - for her - because, by virtue of having a daughter AND for your daughter's sake, you selfishly expect her to do all the conceding and make all the sacrifices. I'm so happy she seems to have a mind of her own and seriously hope she continues.

3) I thought living apart could be a reasonable compromise. Reasons for this are we're both more independent & somewhat introverted, set in our ways, and after my last experience, I'm not convinced I ever need to be married again, but am keeping an open mind. Has anybody else managed a sort of "separate but together" housing arrangement?

I didn't read much of the responses past the first page, so I don't know if you ever mentioned how long you and GF have been together. I only know that since you and she both are, in the very least, considering cohabitation and you think she expects marriage, then it's already past time that you stop thinking it's ok to keep stringing her along. Since you're not convinced you will ever get married again, you need to let her in on that secret. She might decide to continue seeing you, and she might decide to stop seeing you. Either way, that decision is hers and not yours, so it's selfish and inconsiderate of you to spend this relationship making that decision for her. I once dated a guy who advised me from the start that he was never going to get married again. I decided to proceed with the relationship and appreciated him being honest with me upfront. Have you shared her that you are undecided on the subject?

FWIW, I'm not in any hurry, and can wait to see how things play out, or if she ever comes around. I.e. I don't NEED to buy a house anytime soon. But I'd also hate to miss out on something I like... I would be much happier in a house right now than my apartment. I'm trying not to push the issue, but I don't feel like my GF is being reasonable about this.
I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.

As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband and wife. Children are not the priority.

When did "Man and Wife" and "Husband and Wife" turn into "Man and Child"? I'm afraid that after divorce and children out of wedlock became so prevalent in our society, that notion and that saying "my kids come first" was invented mostly by men - men who end up confused and guilty and are no longer certain of their place in their children's lives since they don't live under the same roof. In situations of subsequent romantic settings, they say things like that to falsely and desperately redeem father status because they think they are supposed to and know of no other way how. In nuclear family settings, no such thing is ever considered or uttered. Husbands and wives with children born of their marriage don't tell each other "the kids come before you". It would be ridiculous and is ridiculous in your situation too. How can you think any woman going with you, married to you, sleeping with you, screwing you, helping maintain the home and finances with you, helping raise your daughter with you, etc. would enjoy playing second fiddle to a child? Does she also require your daughter's permission to decorate your house? "Forsaking all others" means something. It means everything and applies to everyone - everyone who is not a party on the marriage certificate. No professional would tell you otherwise. Heck, unprofessional websites don't even support that nonsense. Google it and see for yourself. And, if you are a religious man, you should know better than to think it or say it, ,or expect your wife (or future wife) to twist her life and preferences around your scrotum for your kid's sake.

Because you received the wrong types of responses, I submit you asked your questions on the wrong type of internet community. You need to ask the experts on the subject because nothing you posted is anything new or uncommon to the stepfamily community. The experts on the subject that I refer to are women married to or in relationships with men that have children, men just like yourself. I urge you to head over to Steptalk.org and copy your exact post over there to see what they have to say about living the life with men whose children "come first" that you expect your girlfriend to live. Read down through the years of pages to gain proper perspective because your way of thinking will only create a miserable wife, and, therefore, another divorce. Do you know the divorce rate for second marriages with children from previous relationships? It's dismal, like upwards of 70%, and this is the reason why.

Please also read the book "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin

Here's an appropriate teaser from the book:

"Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

What does putting your marriage first mean in practical terms? No one is suggesting shutting his children out or ignoring them when they’re around. But to succeed, you and your partner must let the kids know that your relationship is airtight, rock solid, and important to you both . . . Knowing the order of things and where they stand in it, experts agree, is enormously reassuring for children."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,092 Posts
I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.

As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband or wife. turn f

When did "Man and Wife" and "Husband and Wife" turn into "Man and Child"? I'm afraid that after divorce and children out of wedlock became so prevalent in our society, that notion and that saying "my kids come first" was invented mostly by men - men who end up confused and guilty and are no longer certain of their place in their children's lives since they don't live under the same roof. In situations of subsequent romantic settings, they say things like that to falsely and desperately redeem father status because they think they are supposed to and know of no other way how. In nuclear family settings, no such thing is ever considered or uttered. Husbands and wives with children born of their marriage don't tell each other "the kids come before you". It would be ridiculous and is ridiculous in your situation too. How can you think any woman going with you, married to you, sleeping with you, screwing you, helping maintain the home and finances with you, helping raise your daughter with you, etc. would enjoy playing second fiddle to a child? Does she also require your daughter's permission to decorate your house? "Forsaking all others" means something. It means everything and applies to everyone - everyone who is not a party on the marriage certificate. No professional would tell you otherwise. Heck, unprofessional websites don't even support that nonsense. Google it and see for yourself. And, if you are a religious man, you should know better than to think it or say it, ,or expect your wife (or future wife) to twist her life around your scrotum for your kid's sake.

Because you received the wrong types of responses, I submit you asked your questions on the wrong type of internet community. You need to ask the experts on the subject because nothing you posted is anything new or uncommon to the stepfamily community. The experts on the subject that I refer to are women married to or in relationships with men that have children, men just like yourself. I urge you to head over to Steptalk.org and copy your exact post over there to see what they have to say about living the life with men whose children "come first" that you expect your girlfriend to live. Read down through the years of pages to gain proper perspective because your way of thinking will only create a miserable wife, and, therefore, another divorce. Do you know the divorce rate for second marriages with children from previous relationships? It's dismal, like upwards of 70%, and this is the reason why.

Please also read the book "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin

Here's an appropriate teaser from the book:

"Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

What does putting your marriage first mean in practical terms? No one is suggesting shutting his children out or ignoring them when they’re around. But to succeed, you and your partner must let the kids know that your relationship is airtight, rock solid, and important to you both . . . Knowing the order of things and where they stand in it, experts agree, is enormously reassuring for children."
I wholeheartedly agree that spouse comes first, but the OP's significant other is only a gf, not a wife, nor a fiance. They don't even live together. In this situation, he must do what is best for him and his daughter.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,204 Posts
I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.

As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband or wife. turn f

When did "Man and Wife" and "Husband and Wife" turn into "Man and Child"? I'm afraid that after divorce and children out of wedlock became so prevalent in our society, that notion and that saying "my kids come first" was invented mostly by men - men who end up confused and guilty and are no longer certain of their place in their children's lives since they don't live under the same roof. In situations of subsequent romantic settings, they say things like that to falsely and desperately redeem father status because they think they are supposed to and know of no other way how. In nuclear family settings, no such thing is ever considered or uttered. Husbands and wives with children born of their marriage don't tell each other "the kids come before you". It would be ridiculous and is ridiculous in your situation too. How can you think any woman going with you, married to you, sleeping with you, screwing you, helping maintain the home and finances with you, helping raise your daughter with you, etc. would enjoy playing second fiddle to a child? Does she also require your daughter's permission to decorate your house? "Forsaking all others" means something. It means everything and applies to everyone - everyone who is not a party on the marriage certificate. No professional would tell you otherwise. Heck, unprofessional websites don't even support that nonsense. Google it and see for yourself. And, if you are a religious man, you should know better than to think it or say it, ,or expect your wife (or future wife) to twist her life around your scrotum for your kid's sake.

Because you received the wrong types of responses, I submit you asked your questions on the wrong type of internet community. You need to ask the experts on the subject because nothing you posted is anything new or uncommon to the stepfamily community. The experts on the subject that I refer to are women married to or in relationships with men that have children, men just like yourself. I urge you to head over to Steptalk.org and copy your exact post over there to see what they have to say about living the life with men whose children "come first" that you expect your girlfriend to live. Read down through the years of pages to gain proper perspective because your way of thinking will only create a miserable wife, and, therefore, another divorce. Do you know the divorce rate for second marriages with children from previous relationships? It's dismal, like upwards of 70%, and this is the reason why.

Please also read the book "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin

Here's an appropriate teaser from the book:

"Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

What does putting your marriage first mean in practical terms? No one is suggesting shutting his children out or ignoring them when they’re around. But to succeed, you and your partner must let the kids know that your relationship is airtight, rock solid, and important to you both . . . Knowing the order of things and where they stand in it, experts agree, is enormously reassuring for children."
Completely off base. Why on Earth are you going on about husband and wife?

OP and his girlfriend haven't known each other very long and have not made any life plans or commitments to each other, in fact, conversations about the future have been sparse.

Talk about jumping the gun.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,961 Posts
It seems you are being made to choose between your GF and your daughter and this is untenable. Your GF must understand that you have a daughter and it is not all about her and her lifestyle. She seems quite set in her ways. If she loved and respected you, she would understand that. With property prices the way they are and the waste of money that renting is i would go ahead and buy the nice place in the suburbs and continue with the existing arrangement with your GF. This is an investment anyway and you get to do your gardening, etc.

Based on your GF's reaction there is no guarantee she would even let your daughter come spend much time with you anyhow if you are living together.
How old is your daughter? Perhaps it is time to put the brakes on the GF relationship, focus on your daughter and yourself, plenty of time when she is grown to focus on relationships. By then you will know better what it is you want out of life.
Does your GF want kids in the future?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,961 Posts
I think/hope she feels, as I do, that you are the one being unreasonable.

As I mentioned, I didn't read many responses past the first page, but it's a terrible shame that most of the responses you received on the first page confirm your mistaken notion that your daughter is supposed to come first in your life. Many of the problems that arise in marriages stem from the wife having no idea what it means to have a husband or the husband having no idea what it means to have a wife, and it sounds like you have no idea. Children do not come before the spouse. Children are not placed in any order or situation superior to the husband or wife. turn f

When did "Man and Wife" and "Husband and Wife" turn into "Man and Child"? I'm afraid that after divorce and children out of wedlock became so prevalent in our society, that notion and that saying "my kids come first" was invented mostly by men - men who end up confused and guilty and are no longer certain of their place in their children's lives since they don't live under the same roof. In situations of subsequent romantic settings, they say things like that to falsely and desperately redeem father status because they think they are supposed to and know of no other way how. In nuclear family settings, no such thing is ever considered or uttered. Husbands and wives with children born of their marriage don't tell each other "the kids come before you". It would be ridiculous and is ridiculous in your situation too. How can you think any woman going with you, married to you, sleeping with you, screwing you, helping maintain the home and finances with you, helping raise your daughter with you, etc. would enjoy playing second fiddle to a child? Does she also require your daughter's permission to decorate your house? "Forsaking all others" means something. It means everything and applies to everyone - everyone who is not a party on the marriage certificate. No professional would tell you otherwise. Heck, unprofessional websites don't even support that nonsense. Google it and see for yourself. And, if you are a religious man, you should know better than to think it or say it, ,or expect your wife (or future wife) to twist her life around your scrotum for your kid's sake.

Because you received the wrong types of responses, I submit you asked your questions on the wrong type of internet community. You need to ask the experts on the subject because nothing you posted is anything new or uncommon to the stepfamily community. The experts on the subject that I refer to are women married to or in relationships with men that have children, men just like yourself. I urge you to head over to Steptalk.org and copy your exact post over there to see what they have to say about living the life with men whose children "come first" that you expect your girlfriend to live. Read down through the years of pages to gain proper perspective because your way of thinking will only create a miserable wife, and, therefore, another divorce. Do you know the divorce rate for second marriages with children from previous relationships? It's dismal, like upwards of 70%, and this is the reason why.

Please also read the book "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin

Here's an appropriate teaser from the book:

"Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

What does putting your marriage first mean in practical terms? No one is suggesting shutting his children out or ignoring them when they’re around. But to succeed, you and your partner must let the kids know that your relationship is airtight, rock solid, and important to you both . . . Knowing the order of things and where they stand in it, experts agree, is enormously reassuring for children."

I would agree with all of what you say if we were actually talking about a spouse. We are NOT. We are talking about a GF who he has been dating for 7 months only. I have had many more long term relationships than this that ended up parting ways in my younger days, this is not the basis for making a decision. He should only be considering his daughter and himself at this point not a woman who he likes, yes, might see himself with but who has had no experience of marriage and really is only worried about her biological clock. The GF doesn't also seem to have any sense of practicality, e.g houses in the city are very expensive, children need space, the bar and cafe scene may be ok in your 20s and 30s but it is not realistic to bring up kids in that, etc. He did mention that she has 'romantic' notions of travelling, etc. I sense that this almost 40 yr old single gal needs a good dose of reality if she is to be part of his life, she really is not marriage material in my view.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
I wholeheartedly agree that spouse comes first, but the OP's significant other is only a gf, not a wife, nor a fiance. They don't even live together. In this situation, he must do what is best for him and his daughter.
Frusdil, you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
Completely off base. Why on Earth are you going on about husband and wife?

OP and his girlfriend haven't known each other very long and have not made any life plans or commitments to each other, in fact, conversations about the future have been sparse.

Talk about jumping the gun.
Nobody talked about jumping the gun and you didn't either. But you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
I would agree with all of what you say if we were actually talking about a spouse. We are NOT. We are talking about a GF who he has been dating for 7 months only. I have had many more long term relationships than this that ended up parting ways in my younger days, this is not the basis for making a decision. He should only be considering his daughter and himself at this point not a woman who he likes, yes, might see himself with but who has had no experience of marriage and really is only worried about her biological clock. The GF doesn't also seem to have any sense of practicality, e.g houses in the city are very expensive, children need space, the bar and cafe scene may be ok in your 20s and 30s but it is not realistic to bring up kids in that, etc. He did mention that she has 'romantic' notions of travelling, etc. I sense that this almost 40 yr old single gal needs a good dose of reality if she is to be part of his life, she really is not marriage material in my view.
Aine, it sounds like you got mixed up on several posts that he made and mine.

First, as I already posted,
It appears you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He said he can't even afford to buy one right now (not even in the suburbs). He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.

Secondly,
People live where they please. It's a pretty insane accusation to imply of all people who live in the city have no sense of practicality. Besides, he has given us his arbitrary reasons, all of which could be overcome with both their incomes. His sole reason for not wanting to move to the city is his convenience, much of which could also be overcome if he didn't pick his daughter up during heavy traffic hours. He could easily change that pickup time and could also get more time with his daughter through the court if she were such a priority for him. But no, he wants his future life with his future wife to be all of convenience for him despite her own wishes and preferences. He hasn't had the in-depth discussion with her. He said he needs to.

Thirdly,
Children grow up and survive the city life just fine with or without the space you claim they need, and their parents don't take them to the bars and cafes. Such places are easily avoided since you don't seem to know that.

Lastly,
He did not say she has romantic notions of traveling. He said that SHE called them romantic notions as the reasons she spent her life and built her career traveling and working in other countries. His was not a statement of her present state of mind.

With as much as you misunderstood and misconstrued of his posts and mine and all the conjecture you added, no I don't imagine anyone would appear to be marriage material.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
Nah, I haven't lost perspective.

This is a girlfriend he hasn't been dating very long.

He wants to buy a house in a location he and his daughter can make a life in.

He already lives in the suburbs!
I'm not going back to find it but if you are interested in understanding that you are mistaken, you can locate for yourself where he said he's not looking to buy a house right now. He also said he can't afford to buy right now (not even in the suburbs). So again, he's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,853 Posts
What he said in his opening post was that he’s at a point where he‘d like to make a decision to buy a house. And that while he didn’t “need” to buy a house now he would hate to miss out on something worthwhile so he’s been looking at what’s out there. The possible marriage is at some undecided time in the future. Sounds like the house would happen before a possible marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
What he said in his opening post was that he’s at a point where he‘d like to make a decision to buy a house. And that while he didn’t “need” to buy a house now he would hate to miss out on something worthwhile so he’s been looking at what’s out there. The possible marriage is at some undecided time in the future. Sounds like the house would happen before a possible marriage.
Yes, the house would happen before the possible marriage, but he wants her to be willing to move into it with him at some point and not be angry that he bought one in the suburbs. So, he's considering their future life together, as he said either long term or possible marriage. He also said on page 2 that he can't afford to buy now but hopes his prospects will change soon.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,092 Posts
Frusdil, you lost perspective of the context. He's not talking about buying a house just now. He's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation. It is in reference to their future that he's insisting on urging her to move to the suburbs with him.
Nope, no lost perspective here. But thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,204 Posts
I'm not going back to find it but if you are interested in understanding that you are mistaken, you can locate for yourself where he said he's not looking to buy a house right now. He also said he can't afford to buy right now (not even in the suburbs). So again, he's talking about the future of their relationship, either long term or marriage, and their future cohabitation.
He says next month he'd be in more of a position to buy.

He's thinking how to best to provide a nice life for his child and himself.

That best life might not be compatible with what his girlfriend feels her best life would be, which is in the city near the bars and cafes, and is financially and geographically unrealistic for him as a parent.

That's what dating is for. To figure out compatibility in many many areas of life.

Some people are incompatible, and while it's sad to let a relationship go, it happens and frees people to find a partner who wants and needs the same lifestyle as themselves.

Your argumentative posting style is a turn off to me, look how many people you have told need to change their perspective or are not seeing it right in this thread already. Reading your posts stresses me out so I'm excited about putting you on ignore so I can continue to visit this forum.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,425 Posts
Yes, the house would happen before the possible marriage, but he wants her to be willing to move into it with him at some point and not be angry that he bought one in the suburbs. So, he's considering their future life together, as he said either long term or possible marriage. He also said on page 2 that he can't afford to buy now but hopes his prospects will change soon.
He also suggested that he buy a house in the suburbs and she buy a condo in the city and they continue to live separately.
Your missing the point that he is not sure about his gf. He doesn’t even love her yet.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,457 Posts
He also suggested that he buy a house in the suburbs and she buy a condo in the city and they continue to live separately.
Your missing the point that he is not sure about his gf. He doesn’t even love her yet.
Nope, I'm not missing the point because in my post that you quoted, I'm quoting him. He said those things, not me.
 
41 - 60 of 81 Posts
Top