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Last week, my partner of three years admitted that he had developed feelings for a coworker. He was deeply upset, and felt so guilty for his feelings that at the end of the day, he decided that I "deserved better than him" and he told me that he wanted to move out.

That night, he went to the coworkers house and spent the night on her couch.

The next morning, he came home. He told me that he loved me, he was sorry, and that I'm the only person he wants to spend his life with. He also admitted that while he was at his coworker's the previous night, they did talk about his feelings for her and they ended up kissing. He assured me that it did not go beyond kissing - even though the coworker offered to take farther. And I believe him.

I am willing to try to work this out. I think we can move past this, grow from this, and have a stronger relationship because of this. But he isn't so sure. His guilt is overwhelming him, and he keeps saying that I deserve better, and that he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to look at me without seeing the mistake he made.

I know this is going to take a lot of time, and a lot of hard work. And that if he isn't willing to try, we aren't going to be able to fix this. But how do I help him move on? How do I help him accept his mistake and get past his guilt? I've been looking into couples therapy, and he says he's willing to try it.

What can I do? He is my best friend, my life partner. I love him deeply. He made a mistake, and I am confident that I can forgive him. But how do I help him find his confidence? His confidence in himself, in me, in our relationship?
 

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Be angry.

Yes, i said that. Why? Because he wants you to be angry. You see, people need pain to define their happiness and ultimately he feels that he should suffer. So make him "make it up" to you.

No, I am not kidding. Litterally give him a to do list of what he needs to do in order to make it right. He will most likely embrace the chance to attone for his sins.

Do not coddle him. You know, at christmas time... when you see someone open a present you got them and they light up? Well that is part of the christamas experience... Do not rob him of the chance to give. In this case, do not rob him of the chance to earn you. That is his "giving"

Read my post on "how to handle an affair - Week:1" there are some things in there you can demand of him like a letter of full diclosure and a way to verify that the affair is ended.

Hope that helps.

Oh, pick up the 5 languages of forgiveness... by Dr. Gary Chapman. And the 5 love languages... same author.
 

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You have a very rare guy. He's sexually attracted to a woman, goes to her house, they kiss, he's offered sex but he very gallantly refuses her and sleeps on her couch. Incidently, this episode happens the very night he informs his real partner that she deserves better and he's moving out (no mention of any interest in other women). I know I'm a cop and naturally suspicious, but my B.S. meter is in the red. A suspicious mind might consider the possibility that he developed feelings for #2 over a period of time, arranged a romantic interlude with her, feigned a quasi-breakup with #1 just in time to make the appointment. For whatever reason, he found the grass on the other side wasn't as green as he had imagined and he's hovering to see if he can return to home base. He makes a huge show of self-loathing to gain her sympathy and ward off the fire and brimstone he knows he deserves from her.
This guy sounds quite masterful in the art of deception. I would be very careful.
 

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You have a very rare guy. He's sexually attracted to a woman, goes to her house, they kiss, he's offered sex but he very gallantly refuses her and sleeps on her couch. Incidently, this episode happens the very night he informs his real partner that she deserves better and he's moving out (no mention of any interest in other women). I know I'm a cop and naturally suspicious, but my B.S. meter is in the red. A suspicious mind might consider the possibility that he developed feelings for #2 over a period of time, arranged a romantic interlude with her, feigned a quasi-breakup with #1 just in time to make the appointment. For whatever reason, he found the grass on the other side wasn't as green as he had imagined and he's hovering to see if he can return to home base. He makes a huge show of self-loathing to gain her sympathy and ward off the fire and brimstone he knows he deserves from her.
This guy sounds quite masterful in the art of deception. I would be very careful.
I read this about 20 times looking for advice to the question asked... But I am not a cop, so my detective skills are not honed.

Maybe you can point out the part where you tell her some ideas on how to remedy her actual problem. I must have missed it.:scratchhead:
 
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