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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
my first post. I am 39, wife is 29 married 5 years. The first 4 years were very much up and down. We had two kids. There has never been any cheating or alcholism etc. I was not a very loving husband for the first 4 years. It was like a roomate situation but we got along okay. But about 8 months ago after a long time soul searching I was able to hit the "love" button and finally break out of my shell and show my wife how much I love and desire her. She was thrilled at first but that didnt last long. She stopped wanting me to touch her or initiate sex. She said it was "perverted" that I want to touch her breasts. I understand their is a lot of anger from the first 4 years but its been 6 months now. I give her nightly back rubs and dont touch her sexually. We have sex once a month and its very routine. I have tried talking to her about it but she really gets uncomfortable talking about sex. She says I need to work on intimacy.

The problem is I am starting to feel angry. I very much desire sex much more frequently. I am in very good physical condition, I work out 5 times a week (6 foot 4 190 pounds). Sometimes I wonder if its an attraction issue or the lack of sex is more like a symptom of how she feels overall ( I believe this). One thing I know doesnt work is begging or demanding. I want my wife to want it as bad as I do.

Any suggestions?
 

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SHe is telling you the answer but you aren't getting it. She wants all kinds of things to say the "I love you" with butterflies. When you go out do you hold hands? Do you always hug and kiss? Do you talk to her and really listen to what she has to say?


The point is she knows that you give the rubs, but knows that because it doesn't lead to sex it is frustrating for you, so it would seem that the rubs are for sex and not just a part of the magical touch.

draconis
 

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A back rub every night? Really? Perhaps you could vary the routine a little? What else do you do to show her you love her no matter what.

Surprise her with a little love token, maybe nothing more than a pretty flower, or a cd with a special song on it, run her a special bubble bath, light candles, give her some 'me' time. Hold hands when you go out, open doors for her, seat her at a restuarant before sitting yourself, help her on with her coat.. little things to make her feel special..

I would guess that she thinks the back rubs are just you saying.. "look i did this for you, now what are you going to do for me."

you work out 5 times a week.. how long does that take and is it early morning or evening? If it eats up a lot of your free time that might be an issue.. Go for a long walk with her instead of going to the gym one evening now the weather is getting nicer... buy her an ice cream and stroll along hand in hand... soppy... but nice..
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
SHe is telling you the answer but you aren't getting it. She wants all kinds of things to say the "I love you" with butterflies. When you go out do you hold hands? Do you always hug and kiss? Do you talk to her and really listen to what she has to say?


The point is she knows that you give the rubs, but knows that because it doesn't lead to sex it is frustrating for you, so it would seem that the rubs are for sex and not just a part of the magical touch.

draconis
Actually I give her the back rubs to build intimacy. I dont expect any sex afterwards. Your off the mark here.

We do go out and hold hands and last night I talked to her about increasing our heart to heart talks. I am discovering my wife has issues too in terms of communicating. She keeps herself very busy to avoid spending time talking deeper then surface level.

I am willing to be patient with her and I think this is the key. We all want our desires fullfilled NOW but sometimes it just takes time. I have faith.
 

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My question is: when you were "not very loving", undemonstrative, how did your wife feel about that? You said she is holding anger; did she want you to be more demonstrative? You are beginning to understand that your wife has communication troubles, were they there from the start? In other words, was she uncomfortable with expressing emotions and perhaps liked that you weren't the demonstrative sort? Was she ever the victim of some kind of sexual abuse in her past?
Sounds like you are going to have a job opening up your wife; if you love her and are patient, you might do her the best favor you ever did for anybody.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
My question is: when you were "not very loving", undemonstrative, how did your wife feel about that? You said she is holding anger; did she want you to be more demonstrative? You are beginning to understand that your wife has communication troubles, were they there from the start? In other words, was she uncomfortable with expressing emotions and perhaps liked that you weren't the demonstrative sort? Was she ever the victim of some kind of sexual abuse in her past?
Sounds like you are going to have a job opening up your wife; if you love her and are patient, you might do her the best favor you ever did for anybody.
I think your spot on Molly. What happened was I always had intimacy problems well into relationships. I was great in the beginning but then when it was for real I couldnt come through. Most of that was my upbringing, no love in the family. But I made a breakthrough. And when I did, in the process, I have discovered my wife blamed me for years for not opening up and communicating when in fact she suffered from it herself.She has trouble with intimacy, she is very uncomfortable with sex talk etc. And now she just blames the past for her present difficulties. She does make a valid point that she was very patient with me in the initial years. So why would I not return that favour.

I think their is a combination of some past resentment over my behavour and her own issues in dealing with a healthy partner. (Her mother is a certified nut case). But I really love her and am very attracted to her (she is drop dead gorgeous).
 

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You can try some of these to start....
13 Magical Things to do in a Relationship
April 11, 2008
When you know that you have found the perfect woman for you, make sure that she feels the same about you. You are crazy about her and want to make her feel happy with you, that’s why you are ready to make all the sacrifices to impress her, to show her how much you care about her, or to not permit that routine to come into your relationship.

With all this sacrifices to show her your feelings, to keep your relationship as cool as it
was at the beginning, you feel that you have to make something more interesting. That’s why you should induce “magic “into your relationship even if you are hopeless romantic or not. To add more intimacy, love, understanding and compassion in any relationship is always welcome.

So, here are some magical things to do in order to impress your partner in a good way and increase your relationship:

1. Surprise her by taking her lunch and coffee at bed right after she woke up; if you didn’t do this before she will definitely be impressed; also cooking a pizza for her and cut it in a
heart shape it is very romantic; a woman will always find interesting a man who is able to cook for her, no matter what kind of food it is; even if it wouldn’t be too tasty, she will appreciate that you have tried

2. Set up a picnic in the park; even it is an usually day, prepare all you need for a picnic,
go get your girlfriend and go for a walk; don’t tell her from the beginning what you plan to, let it be a surprise; a ‘ going out’ at a picnic in the fresh air is always welcome and relaxing

3. Send her flowers anytime and anywhere, that is unexpected; women love flowers, so sending her flowers without any reason will demonstrate her that you really care about and make her feel loved and special; the most probably that she will answer you with the same love you show her

4. Fill her apartment with balloons or something she likes, maybe it’s a crazy idea, but it
usually works to impress girls; it will be seen as a funny thing by your partner and remember that some fun is necessary in any relationship

5. If you are good at writing, write her a poem, or create a book for her with a special
dedication; this will definitely work if she love poems; don’t begin to write a poem only if
you know that you are good at it, other way you will screw up

6. Reading romantic poetry in the middle of the living room on a blanket in soft candlelight, it is a very good way to offer your partner a wonderful evening; women are often more romantic than men, that’s why they like to be surprised by men with romantic ideas

7. Massages are always magic when done right; buying different flavored edible bars to
experiment with each other can be more surprising; but if you are not good at making massage, go to a spa together and get a couples massage together

8. Go for a romantic meal; make reservations at a beautiful restaurant and create a romantic atmosphere with candles, roses and slow music; offer her a night to never forget

9. Going for a walk at night and looking at the stars and moon is almost such romantic as the restaurant, and is cheapest; so it is not necessary to have a lot of money to offer your
partner a lovely evening; it can be very interesting

10. If you can afford it, take her in holiday in an exotic place, like a beautiful island, only
you two alone, with sunshine and plenty of water, where you will spend a wonderful time together, and will not be disturb by friends, family, relatives

11. But, if you can’t afford to go in a exotic place, to the sea, there’s no problem; bubble
baths together are always magic times;

12. Surprise visits; surprise her with your visits when she is not expecting at all; while you are able to surprise her in a good way, she will not lose interest in you

13. Don’t be afraid to talk sweet nothings into her ear; make the woman feel good by saying sweet and romantic things to her at any given time; as I said, women love romance.

Gina Gray
 
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