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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, during my 3 year relationship with my wife, there has been this naggy little prick who will not leave her alone. I have dealt with this 4, maybe 5 times. My wife seems its only friendly, and that he was someone she could 'go' to. But she is apparently an idiot. I don't think she realizes how naturally flirtatious she is, or she just flirts so much, but plays it cool. I don't know. This kid, while we were together, for about 1 year, 1.5 years maybe, confessed his undying love to her. He was with his girlfriend of over 3 years at this point. I told her, (Probably 2nd or 3rd time at this point) to stop all contact with him, because he will not leave her alone, and he obviously is in some sort of infatuated state with you. She of course, got angry at these accusations and stated that he was a friend. I am not an idiot. Now, he has popped up another 2 or 3 times since than, and its always led to fights, annoyances and her telling him she cannot speak anymore. The last time, I accidentally caught her hiding it from me. And said all contact must cease, now. That was about...a year ago. Note: When we were in FL, this guy was probably 4 or 5 hours away. (They originally met online in highschool, and were friends, and his family had 'business' down here and he came down with his parents and they hung out. No sexual contact or even attraction *On her part* ). Now we live in GA, and he is probably...2 maybe 3 hours away.


Now, I am deployed, and she has been acting off lately. Being extremely mean to me. Saying F*ck you, and f*ck off. And I think she does it on purpose, it was a once, maybe twice a month thing, and I kinda just let it go, but now its every other day, it seems the more I tell her not to do something, or that it bothers me she does it. She goes to the gym more often. She went to a dance class. Not like salsa, or tango dancing, but club dancing, class. She even threw this in yesterday. 'This is going to make you mad, but I am going to the club soon, to celebrate my friends 21st birthday'. Knowing I am deployed, and that things like that bother me, I asked her nicely not to go. Again, with the f*ck yous, and all sortsa mean ****.

Anyways to my point. Because of the above stated behavior, I have been a little suspicious. So, yesterday, I decided to try to infiltrate her email / facebook. She has 2 emails that I know of, and I was easily able to guess the passwords. There was no evident signs of ea/pa. Ie no messages from other men. But what I was found, was pretty interesting. I found a registration for a new social media website. And again, I was able to guess the password to that as well. The guy above mentioned, who cannot leave her alone, was added to her friends list this morning. She originally connected to her. But she accepted it. I wouldn't blame her for HIM connecting to her, but she ACCEPTED it. Now, I haven't confronted her yet, and I don't plan to, for atleast a day or 2, maybe more. And casually. Ie, subtlety throwing in if she has heard from him recently etc. For 3 years, she has been able to snake her way out of any sort of fault for blame, and made me feel crazy about this a$$hole. But not this time. I am going to catch her in a lie.

Conclusion. I don't think she has cheated on me, physically, or emotionally, yet. But our marriage is in a very crucial point, and I think she would talk to him, simply out of spite for me not wanting her to. Whether she would make any sort of actual connection. Who knows? But she has been in this 'I'm going to do whatever you don't want me to do phase'.

Am I justified in my doings. My searching and snooping? Am I violating her privacy? Or is she seriously being a b*tch to me?

I have another thread in going through sep / divorce describing my situation from another perspective.
 

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Your wife really isn't respecting your boundaries not to contact the naggy little prick. She already has cheated by secretly contacting th guy. This to me is already an EA. You've asked her more than once and the guy keeps popping up. Have you ever spoken with the guy? If he is "just" a friend, has your wife ever introduced him to you?

Sounds like this is a totally inappropriate friendship. She should end it yesterday.
 

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Intentionally doing things and going places that are a flimsy cover for a meat market where women go to get picked up is BS. Add to that, her telling you to F*ck off when you express your objection and you have the script of a cheating wife.

She has decided that you and your opinion do not matter to her. She is going to do whatever she wants (including bar, clubs, secret social media). Your marriage is going down in flames.

You are justified in doing whatever you need to do to get the truth. There should not be secrets between spouses. "Violating my privacy" is standard cheater speak for "I have my secrets and they are none of your business".

Sounds like your wife has checked out of the marriage.
 

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If she accuses you of violating her privacy, you can always say that she is violating the boundaries of your marriage.

My wife actually got pissed off at me that I broke into her secret gmail account (which she left open on her PC when she asked me to fix something). After I broke in and found evidence of the other guy, I confronted her, but didn't say how I got the info. First she denied, then when I told her about the gmail chats, she admitted. 4 hours later she actually came to me very pissed off that I had violated our trust by hacking her secret email account! Can you believe that sh!t?
 

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Whatever else is going on she is acting unfaithful. She is being disrespectful in lying to you. Hiding things behind your back. Then she plays power games with you to hurt you by saying you are going to be mad but I am taking dance lessons and I am going cubbing. F^ck you.

You know what. Your boundaries are your boundaries. BUT, I would not stay married to a woman who did the things above whether she had an affair or not. So add to this the fact you are deployed and rather than support you as a faithtful wife she taunts you. She wants to be single. Let her have that.

I am making an assumption you are expecting a monogamous relationship and are not ok with an open marriage.

This is not the wife you are looking for.
 

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A guy that messages her on facebook is only a distraction. A married woman going out clubbing while her husband is away is a guaranteed cheater, that should be your priority. Physical, no strings attached so you will not find evidence through emails or text/call logs.

When are you returning home? Or do you have a brother or a cousin that can follow her around? Most likely she heads out to the meat markets most weekends so it'll be easy to catch her.

Also never tell your wife how you got your evidence, because next time she'll just be smart about about it and hide better.
 

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Seen too many of the I am deployed and my wife is out clubbing situations in real life. I honestly can say I have never seen them not end in cheating and divorce.
 

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Seen too many of the I am deployed and my wife is out clubbing situations in real life. I honestly can say I have never seen them not end in cheating and divorce.
Indeed. She could be scoring a new guy every few days and the husband would be clueless since he isn't home.

OP I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I wish you all the best.
 

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Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the marriage to end. Even if it's not your intention to end it - the fact is, it sure looks like she wants to either end it or 'open it up' and may well have done so already.

The fact that she's changed her attitude toward you with the FUs and F-off indicates she's found strength somewhere or with someone - same with the "tough-sh1t, I'm taking a club dance class" (paraphrase - but this is exactly what she meant).

Now, where would she get the notion that she can talk to you that way? Does she have divorced (toxic) girlfriends? Because it seems she isn't worried about losing the marriage. I suspect a boyfriend - not the internet dweeb.

So, if you want to keep the marriage you need to keep digging - prepare to put the law down - honor the marriage, or hit the road.


Do you have kids? Have you been married the whole 3 years or have you known her for only 3 years?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
A little pretext.

We are young. 21 and 20. We have been together since 18 and 17. We have been married for just under a year.

Now, she vehemently denies any cheating. And than calls me crazy that I don't trust her. I call ask her not to do somethings, and she calls me controlling. Saying she wasn't raised to be controlled. Well, I don't know who raised her, but I sure hope it wasn't her mom or dad, both of whom have cheated. Both of whom are financially greedy. Dad, who cheated again, last year. And mom who is ****ing the neighbor, while HE is in Colorado in the military as well. Granted they have agreed to get a divorce. They're still technically married. I just hope it wasn't those people who raised her. (It was).

She has always been mouthy, but as of recent, it has taken a turn for the worst. Her behavior is simply unacceptable. I cannot bring my self to yell at her, and when I ask her nicely to not do some things, or to not talk to me this way. She just blows up on me for being controlling. I am at a lost at what to do.

I definitely will not reveal my sources to her, because she would easily change all passwords and not think twice about it. And if I would ask for them, she would not agree and would say again, I am being controlling and crazy and not trusting her. I have trusted her this far, and every time I give her an inch, she takes a mile, and trusting her and giving her inches has led me to this. I do not want this. She has an answer for everything. Her most common one is 'As a wife I do not have to explain a f*cking thing to you'. Is that true? Or am I just crazy? When I say 'In normal marriage...this or that' She says 'Stop comparing us to other relationships ' or if I say 'Well women usually...this or that...' she says 'stop comparing me to other women.' Lately, I have been saying a lot of 'Well, typically when a woman, or someone, rather does this (Pertaining to signs of infidelity)' She blows the hell up, sky high, and says 'wow so you think I am like every other girl?' And honestly, in the beginning, no, she was this cool laid back girl who accepted who I was. Now I am starting to realize, she is like a lot of other women.
 

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The whole going out to clubs is ridiculous, there's no need to do that while the spouses are stateside, let alone while they're deployed.
Personally I wouldn't take issue with the dude who is still hovering around, he wouldn't stay if your wife wasn't giving him the encouragement to do so.
Any issues you have with him should be directed to your wife, the power is hers to get rid of him.
Have you checked the bank statements?
If I was in your position, I would start moving my money out of any joint accounts & only give her enough to get by on.
If she's paying the bills out of your joint account, take over paying the bills to make sure they get paid.
Have you also checked cell phone records?

My husband is currently deployed to Afghan & never in a million years would I treat him the way your wife is treating you.
I can't fathom telling him to fu*k off, especially if something happens & that's the last thing I ever get to say to him.
During this current deployment we have both worked hard to stay connected & keep our marriage strong.
What your wife is doing is what we're told NOT to do when our spouses are deployed.
I'm sorry that she's behaving like she's single when she's not.
 

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Recap:
You are married to a girl who was "cool and laid back" but now - not so much
She was raised by people who are actively cheating
Accuses you of trying to control her
Speaks disrespectfully to you - after being married for about 1 year
Hides and denies contact info for internet friends she know you don't approve of
Does as she pleases
Doesn't want to be "compared" to "normal" wives and women

Manonfire, those are just off the top of my head. And, oh yeah, each and every one of them - a red flag.
A huge banner.
A cheater's banner.

Drop her like an anvil.
 

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Getting married in the late teens and early twenties is not the best move in my opinion. I think people should wait until there a little older and have time to find themselves, gain maturity, and get the partying/wild ways out the system in order to be ready for a committed relationship.
 

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Getting married in the late teens and early twenties is not the best move in my opinion. I think people should wait until there a little older and have time to find themselves, gain maturity, and get the partying/wild ways out the system in order to be ready for a committed relationship.
I agree. Add to this trying live in a military environment where one spouse is away. The odds are really against you. Not saying it never works but it puts a crazy strain on marriages.
 

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A little pretext.

We are young. 21 and 20. We have been together since 18 and 17. We have been married for just under a year.

Now, she vehemently denies any cheating. And than calls me crazy that I don't trust her. I call ask her not to do somethings, and she calls me controlling. Saying she wasn't raised to be controlled. Well, I don't know who raised her, but I sure hope it wasn't her mom or dad, both of whom have cheated. Both of whom are financially greedy. Dad, who cheated again, last year. And mom who is ****ing the neighbor, while HE is in Colorado in the military as well. Granted they have agreed to get a divorce. They're still technically married. I just hope it wasn't those people who raised her. (It was).

She has always been mouthy, but as of recent, it has taken a turn for the worst. Her behavior is simply unacceptable. I cannot bring my self to yell at her, and when I ask her nicely to not do some things, or to not talk to me this way. She just blows up on me for being controlling. I am at a lost at what to do.

I definitely will not reveal my sources to her, because she would easily change all passwords and not think twice about it. And if I would ask for them, she would not agree and would say again, I am being controlling and crazy and not trusting her. I have trusted her this far, and every time I give her an inch, she takes a mile, and trusting her and giving her inches has led me to this. I do not want this. She has an answer for everything. Her most common one is 'As a wife I do not have to explain a f*cking thing to you'. Is that true? Or am I just crazy? When I say 'In normal marriage...this or that' She says 'Stop comparing us to other relationships ' or if I say 'Well women usually...this or that...' she says 'stop comparing me to other women.' Lately, I have been saying a lot of 'Well, typically when a woman, or someone, rather does this (Pertaining to signs of infidelity)' She blows the hell up, sky high, and says 'wow so you think I am like every other girl?' And honestly, in the beginning, no, she was this cool laid back girl who accepted who I was. Now I am starting to realize, she is like a lot of other women.
She is not being faithful to you. She wants an open marraige for whatever reason. Not wife material for a guy deployed who wants to be in a monogamous marriage.

As you will see on this website there are people that will tell you an open marriage is normal. The bottomline is that her concept of marriage is not compatible with yours.

Why would you stay in an abusive relationship? Why would you deserve that?
 

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Man on Fire*

The easiest thing to do is to drop her. If you feel like you can't do that without some solid proof, that's understandable.

Where is she living now? On base, with parents, off base?

No kids, right?

*That's an interesting name choice. Bing Crosby once did a movie about a guy whose wife abandoned her family to run off with OM, married OM, then sued Bing for full custody and won. Can't remember how that one turned out, but Bing "kidnapped" his son to keep him away from the scum. I was probably about 10 years old when I saw it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I sincerely thank everyone for your replies.

For 3 years. I have never left her once. Never. I have have never ended a conversation, or fight without saying I love you. Because, I do love her and even if we fight, we will get over it. No sense in not right? She has left me multiple times, and always come back.

It has taken me 3 f*cking years to finally even say this to my self. Which I consider is a step toward my happiness. I haven't even been able to say out loud that I want to leave her.

After today's conversation I had with her. And how horribly she treated me, and the things she said. I want nothing to do with this f*cking scum. I don't care if I took her virginity. I honestly don't. That is probably the one thing that has kept me around. I don't want anyone else defiling her. But honestly, I could care less.

I was checking my bank statements earlier, and I noticed a withdrawl. Small amount of 40 dollars. But this is after she has spent my money lavishly in the past 2 months. After she wrecked my savings, (Only a couple thousand, nothing too much). WITHOUT yelling, or cussing, or even being mad. I asked her nicely to be more aware of what shes spending money on. She apologized, said she felt bad. But today, she drove down to FL to spend time with her family. Or so it may seem.

So, I noticed it was a 40 dollar cash withdrawl. And I knew exactly what it was for - Weed. Which, in a normal circumstance, I wouldn't care. But how f*cking mean shes been to me, and after spending all my money, this kinda pisses me off. I call her, and she says, verbatim "CHILL. THE. F*CK. OUT. I WILL PAY YOU BACK NEXT WEEK. I'M GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME DOWN HERE, AND I'M NOT LETTING YOU STOP ME." I said something along the lines of, you don't need to spend my money on that, use your own. Reply was. "F*CK YOU". hangs up.

Again, I am checking my bank statement. Another 40 dollars for a tongue piercing. This, I would not mind either. She has a bad problem of sucking on her tongue, and recently took out her other piercing, and it started again. She said she was going to get one in the future, but I did not know with my money, and so soon. Again, I called her, and she flipped out on me again. telling me she needs it for her problem, and that she'll pay me back, and F words being thrown out and about. And again, hanging up on me.

She use to be so beautiful and kind to me. Now she is cruel, hurtful and just, evil. Pure evil. I happen to be at a camp in Afghanistan that HAS internet and phone access any time of day. Some of my other friends aren't so lucky. She takes for granted what she has. She lives under my roof. Eats my food. Drives MY car and I pay the bills. She complains about everything there is to complain about these days, and than when I tell her to be thankful for what she has, because her life is very easy, she says "its not about the money". I am a great ****ing husband. yeah, maybe I'm not the most romantic, but I treat a woman right and I make sure her life is easy, specially when I'm not able to be there for her. And this is how she repays me. I don't have time for this kind of sh*t. I am in Afghanistan. I should not be dealing with this.

It is the weekend, and my local credit union that I use for my bank account is closed. I cannot contact them. I do not have another bank account to transfer funds to, and I cannot figure out how to change my PIN number on my card. All I could do was 'transfer' funds to savings because shes use to everything being in 'checkings' and hopefully shes too stupid to realize it. It should stop any auto sliding at walmart, or taco bell or anything like that.
 
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