[dancinginthedark]

Hi I am new and this is going to be a long story but will try to make it as short as possible.
My husband and I met 16 years ago. Though there is no such thing as a 'perfect' relationship, we were very trusting, open and honest and supportive. My husband had a dream of being in the army. I supported, convinced and assisted him in doing this. I followed him leaving my career, friends and family and support networks. I spent a lot of time alone, I had little to keep my motivated and happy. I had 3 kids but never got to share those moments with people that are important to me. No hospital visits or flowers or support. We struggled financially. My husband became depressed. He never wanted to recognise his depression as he felt that he was the 'man' and that if he did it may effect his career. It became so bad the he was verbally abussive. I know his job was hard and I know he felt he was letting us down but it became too difficult to live with. So I left.

I met someone 3 months after our seperation. I did not love this person and the relationship, though not quite just sex partners, was never one of emotional closeness or had any future. I think I sort this relationship because I was afraid with 4 children I would be alone forever. It failed of course. My husband was very hurt.
After that relationship I have not had any others. My husband has.
One time he had a relationship while on tour of Iraq. When I found out and of his intention to move to America to be with this lady I hit the roof. I forced him to leave her and we tried again. It was terrible. We both had so many fresh hurts and anger inside that it was impossible.
Then for a time he was posted near me. Slowly, after the pressure of trying to make it work wore off, we became good friends and I started to see he was becoming the person I had met and married and loved so dearly. He had started to learn to deal with his depression. We were very close and happy but I could not say to him I wanted to try again as I feared the pressure would drive us apart again and I needed to be sure we were ready.
He got posted away again. He, not knowing my feelings for him and the hope I had that one day we would be together again, started a relationship. He was with her 10 months before he told me (or I found out). He didn't want to tell me because he felt that it would mean no hope for us ever. He was with this girl for 18 months. He came down to assist me during a surgery. He is a medic and he was very doting and caring. We got along so well and one thing lead to another. Our feelings became so apparent. But he lied to me saying it was over with this other woman when it wasn't.
When I found out I was so angry and hurt. I argued with him but he had returned to the state he lived in and to her. When my hounding became too much he turned off his phone and spent time with her. He told her he was upset over missing his kids. He was worried, he didn't want to hurt her but he felt so much for me and he had always wanted our family back together.
So i did the silliest thing. I told him to have her. I told him that since he was posting out again soon, closer to me that his relationship would slowly end and then we had no pressure of hurting another and that we could see what happened between us.
Of course I was selling myself out on that. It hurt like hell to know he was with another and felt like he could move on when I couldn't.
He saw me hurting and off his own back ended it with this woman. She knows nothing about me other than being the ex wife. She thinks he left because he was posting away.
My husband is very depressed because he hurt her and hurt me. I hate seeing his sadness and knowing some of that hurt is for her. I want it back together and I know that after 7 years of separation neither of us could move on or ever divorce or give up hope.

I am mean and I want her to know the truth about me. I want her to know that he came to me not that I was after him. I am hurt by her treatment of my kids and her not wanting to give up time for him to see them or her complaining about the money he had to provide for them.
I want him to hate her even though in doing so it would be untrue to his nature.
I want to know the truth even though it hurts.
I want to feel secure but have doubts because he could be with another again and I could never move on.

Are we crazy? Are these feelings normal? How do we survive my hurting? How do I get past the pain and work on the future which is what I want so badly?
help and advice much appreciated

 

[Caro]

It sounds to me like he does not know what he wants. He's probably so depressed that he'll turn to anyone who will help him ease the pain for a time. If this is the case, it's really sad he feels so empty, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should subject yourself to the situation any more.

I would ask you this: what do YOU want? What are your limits, your lines in the sand? What are you willing to put up with and what not?

If he really is this lost, maybe you need to be the strong one - make the decisions for yourself, let him know them, and then let him act or not act accordingly.

Also, is he seeing a therapist? It sounds like he should. Probably you should both see one if you decide to try to work on it.

Caro

 

[dancinginthedark]

Yes he has been seeing a professional for help and has has been prior to us getting together. He says he wants me and that if he knew he could have had me back, he would never have been with another.He says he was never inlove with her but he did love her and enjoy her company. He always told her that we would never divorce me and that I was the love of his life. She often complained about being the other woman.
I guess the fact that she exists at all hurts me, even though we were not together and he was not doing anything wrong.
We will get back together and have already made a move to have some MC as soon as he arrives here.
But I am struggling with anger and I am struggling with wanting her to know the truth. I don't know why? But I am angry at her even though this is not her fault!

How do you deal with that anger, that jealousy so it doesn't destroy what love you have?

 

[LastUnicorn]

You both have said a lot of things it sounds like. What you need to look at is the actions, not the words.

You both have sorely abused your core relationship. Getting to the heart of it and healing takes time and a lot of care and personal attention. Frankly I'm not optimistic that in your situation it would even be possible as long as he is away so much. Not saying it couldn't be done, but it will be much harder.

The initial situation that cracked it has to be addressed and mutually resolved, you feeling isolated and abandoned while he is away. If this was too much stress years ago it will be again. Its like driving a lame mule back along the same rocky road, its legs are gonna get broken again.

 

[Emerald]

Your post is a little confusing but I gather you are still married?

If so, then he either has to work on the marriage which means no contact with this other woman or get a divorce & be with her.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

You know, real love isn't this hard.

 

[KathyBatesel]

Dancing, I'm afraid I won't be in agreement on some points with other replies. I don't think either of you has abused your relationship. You were apart when these things happened, and you both allowed fear of the future to lead you astray. In your case, fear of the future kept you from being receptive to the man you want in your life, something you now realize was a mistake because it let him move on to date another woman.

For his part, he let fear of being alone or rejected lead him to that other woman.

I also believe he does know what he wants. If you've never seen him cheat on you - and I mean if he never dated others or lied while you were actually a couple - then it's up to you to let go of those hurts and cope with your fears as you rebuild your relationship. You cannot expect him to do that for you. If you ask him to change who he is or to reject or regret his past, you could harm your chances of getting your relationship back to the intimate, safe place it once was in your life.

Both of you have a decision to make: will you or won't you be committed to this relationship? If both of you have a firm "yes," the rest will fall into place.