[Hope Springs Eternal]

I'm the unproud owner of a unique situation. My wife ANNOUNCED her affair by deciding she'd had enough of me, due to problems in our marriage that had mainly to do with lack of sex (I was not there for her), and left on a 2-week trip to see her new man.

She is now in another state, doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who. Yet I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and consider reconciling when she returns, due very much to the fact that I feel I brought this on myself.

You guys who have told me to chuck her stuff out on the lawn, change the locks and file for divorce can skip this one. I have enough self-respect to go around for right now. What I seek is wisdom from people who have reconciled after an affair, how their relationships changed, and how things are now different.

I know that this is an unusual situation. That's why I need unusual help. She will return in a few more days.

Background: We have 2 grown kids who DO NOT know about this yet, but she has been exposed to everyone else. Her family thinks she's crazy (as do I). I am disabled due to mental ilness, and our finances are so tight that we are conducting our separation from under one roof.

 

[giashasa2012]

Why the lack of sex ? have you low T ?

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

I have plenty of T. What I have, I wasn't really able to fix. It's a combination of meds that I take, and personal problems with intimacy.

 

[that_girl]

How can you reconcile with someone who is cheating on you? She may be done and not want to reconcile at all.

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

I fully realize this, but, to quote another new poster "I can’t possibly ever trust him again but we have been together so long I can’t imagine starting over?? And the kids?? I don’t want them to feel the pain I’m going through..."

 

[that_girl]

Your children are grown. They would understand if Dad doesn't want to live with a cheating Mom.

Don't be a martyr. You have a life. Being afraid of being alone is not worth being walked all over and cheated on.

YOU are not responsible for her cheating. She chose to leave and cheat. Wow. The nerve.

 

[Juicer]

Several problems here:

1. Have you taken steps to solve your lack of intimacy with her? As in counseling, and other forms of treatment? You said your T-levels were fine, but other meds? What other meds are killing your libido, and have you taken steps to maybe try and either get a lower dose or find another medication?
Does this women even want you? Sounds like your wife has zero attraction and respect for you. So once you get your drive going, good luck getting her to satisfy it.

2. Women tend to fall in love with their affair partner. So she may come back. You think she just fall back in love with you? Think again. Most women tend to fall in love, try to run off with their AP, and once the sh!t hits the fan and they realize they are chasing a pipe dream, they are on the street with their crap in the rain and staring down at their divorce papers.
So don't expect your wife to fall into your arms the second she comes home.

3. What has she done to prove that she deserves you? You sound more like "I am trying to prove to you, I am the husband you deserve, while you go out and have sex with someone else."
Notice the problem there?
You are telling her, "I know you had an affair, but I will make it up to you by becoming a better husband."
That is saying "You cheated. So I became a better husband. So you can cheat again, and I'll become an even better husband."

4. Sounds like you want to rug sweep. Doesn't work to well. I think MattMatt rug swept an affair. He can comment on that. But from what I hear, bad idea!

5. You say you have self-respect.
No you don't. If you did, you would've told this woman "Don't come back home after this excurison." That is self-respect. You are a doormat, and she'll wipe her feet on you once she comes home.
So you love your wife.
There is a difference between love, blind love, and a love that is going to hurt you. Which love do you think you have?

6. Has your wife expressed any remorse? Sounds like she has already checked out of your marriage. Once that happens, they seldom come back.
I honestly doubt she even cares. She knows she is hurting you. She just doesn't care because she is drowning in the fog.
And you are too blind to say anything. You are too afraid of losing her, to say "What the hell are you thinking!? You're my wife! You don't go out and have 2-week sex romps with the OM!"

7. You are wanting to follow her around like a puppy dog, while she sounds like she is pulling a 180.
You should be doing the opposite! You should be doing the 180. That way, if she doesn't follow you around like a puppy, you have your answer. She wants her OM more than she wants you, and for her to settle for you, would be you getting second place. How would that feel? Getting second place? Knowing there is someone else out there, your wife would rather be with?
But, if she follows you around like a lost puppy, and tries to talk and be affectionate and do everything a WS should do, you know, she wants you. She was just blind, but she came to her senses and wants you.
But I don't see that happening.

Dude, I am reconciling with mine. So don't think I am a hater.
But I can see a bad and hopeless situation when presented one. And that is what you are in.

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

What's been your experience in reconciling with your wife?

 

[Acabado]

Sorry man. I know it's not waht you as asking for. I don't think thinking about reconciliation at this point is going to make you improve your situation at any level. Better think about future.

Your wife is deep into this, she's unlikely to snap. She's far gone. Not only detached but angry (and rightfully so). She already gave sh1t about exposure, everyone who could pressure her already knows. In her mind the marriage is hopeless, If OM bails there will be more. Be ready for her to flaunt OM/OMs from now own with no shame. Maybe she comes back dispointed, who knows. She already told you she's not married anymore, she gave herself the OK to "date". She crossed the mental line, in her mind she finnaly got the strenght, she's not a coward anymore and is determined to find "happiness" no matter how. The "in house" situation is just an obstacule and likely you are to blame (in her mind).
Expect no empathy. Rather the contrary, anger, rage, every time you mind in "her bussiness".

You have a life after your wife, think about how to improve it becuase you will have the same issues.
Change you bipolar meds if you can.
Change you. Self improvement is the key.

I know your financial situation is hard. Yo are going to need to be creative to "exclude" her emotionally in what I believe is going to be limbo hell until you manage to sort out the physical separation. Unless she finds out some "soulmate" who fix it for you. The fact OM paid the expenses of this travel means nothing at this point.

 

[Juicer]

What's been your experience in reconciling with your wife?

She has done everything for me.

And she confessed to me, and said she was sorry, and only tried blaming me once. Then after I left, she accepted the blame.

And I've had some nasty triggers. I've yelled, I've shouted, I've punched walls and called her names, she just takes it all, and then when I break down, holds me and when I say I'm sorry, she doesn't blow back up on me. She just says she loves me too.

And she knows, if she ever contacts him again, she is out of my house. If she ever gets a text from him and doesn't tell me, she is out of my house. If she ever sees him again, and doesn't tell me, she is out of my house.
There is a big difference between you and me. I won't be a door mat to her.

Plus, she tries proving to me, why she can be a better wife than anyone else I could ever hope to find.

Like, today, I got a pulled muscle in my leg, and am confined to bed. So she made me breakfast in bed. Had a nasty trigger from it, but the thought really meant something to me.

And how do I feel about it?
I still love her. With everything I have. And she is being the perfect wife.

There is the difference in our situations.
My wife was sorry and took her blame. And is proving to me everyday, she will try to make up for it, and wants to show me how sorry she is, and how much she loves me.
Sounds to me like yours doesn't care.

You shouldn't be the one that has to follow her around like a lost puppy.

 

[giashasa2012]

Juicer R situation is different then yours his wife wanted him back his wife thought of her transgression as a mistake , your wife has disconnected from you she has thought about the no sex as you rejecting her (probably ) . If she has feelings about you they are platonic ( your are at best her best friend , a families member , a brother) .If you can not fix the sex you have nothing to offer her its import for her . At this point she thinks how could she live with out it so long , how wonderful life can be , thinks that in her mind you cant offer.
Talk to her one last time , don't beg just talk with her ,if she does not respond then their is nothing that you can do or say. (Tell her why you acted in the way you acted how you feel and that you want to fix what you can fix)
The only thing that you can do is accept it and move on or choose to live in a cuckold relationship (even then she may find someone at some point and choose to leave you)

 

[sigma1299]

I suspect that no matter how many times you ask the same question a different way you're pretty much going to get the same answer here and there's a reason for that.

Remember this is first and foremost a MARRIAGE forum - the vast majority of us are pulling for it to work out - for you and everyone else where it's possible.

However, out of respect for your intent in this thread I'll limit my comments in this one to the above.

Oh and FWIW - I'm one of the lucky who are reconciling.

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

Okay, what's been your experience in reconciling with your wife?

 

[Juicer]

I mean dude, I understand you are sad and love her, but let's be honest:

Even when people that are reconciling are telling you, that your marriage probably isn't ever going to come back, you need to face reality.

You sound like you are in your own fog.
You think your wife will come back someday, like this song:
The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved - YouTube
Only thing is, she ain't coming back. If she is, it is to grab her clothes, and whatever money she can take you for, so she can then go and live her life with the OM.

You are trying to think logically, and thinking "She'll she I am offerring her another chance. She take it in a heart beat."

Not all WS are the same!!!
My wife was sorry, and would've cut off her arm to get a chance to reconcile.

Your wife doesn't care. If you went up to her, and said "Honey, I still love you, and I want to make this work," she would spit in your face!

She doesn't want you.
I don't know how to make it any clearer.

Heck, I can even make a table for ya! Unfortunatly, don't know how to in this format, so I'll make a flowchart list thing. (kinda loopy on pain killers, so cut me some slack)

When the Wayward spouse is sorry, and wants to reconcile (NOT your situation)
1. If the BS wants to reconcile, then it ends in RECONCILIATION
2. If the BS wants to divorce, then it end in DIVORCE

If the Betrayed Spouse wants to reconcile,
1. If the WS doesn't want to, but wants to run off with their AP, then it ends in DIVORCE or LOTS OF HEART BREAK (and this is where you are. Sorry)
2. The WS does want to reconcile, and they RECONCILE.

 

[calvin]

bobka,she has to want to R and she has to see what she is doing is wrong and hurting a lot of people.
CSS has bent over backwards to make things right with us and its still hard for me.
If you really want to R you are going to have to expose the hell out of this to everyone and have her served and even then it might not work.
It sounds like she is really far gone.
Listen to the people on here,they know what they are talking about.
I feel for you man,it hurts bad but if R is what youre after you are going to have to get tough and not let up.Start the 180 now.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

Are you saying that you don't believe that she may return feeling sorry, feeling the full weight of what she did, and possibly have remorse?

 

[Kasler]

Are you saying that you don't believe that she may return feeling sorry, feeling the full weight of what she did, and possibly have remorse?

Are saying you believe that?!?!?!?! :crazy:

Are you taking her act of having a self declared two week (half a month) sex filled vacation with OM as remorse?

She is long gone. The only reason she would come home would be to get her clothes.

If you think shes gonna step off that plane and feel sorry SHE IS NOT. Shes going to step off that plane feeling empowered thinking shes 'finally found happiness' and now just needs to drop the dead weight(you) and get on with her new life with OM.

You need a to move on, and you need to change you. No offense, but from what I've seen you have no self respect, intimacy issues, codependency on top of that, an various beta traits.

Do you honestly think that seeing her husband begging to allow her to wipe her boots off on him after she cheating is going to be attractive to her?

Its not, it really isn't and only makes OM seem like that much more of a real man. #2 mistake most BSs make.

 

[Juicer]

If she does, it will be in this situation:

She will be pregnant with the OM's child, and she will need a babby daddy. So geuss who will get hitched for that?!

Or the OM will dump her, and she will SETTLE, not pick, SETTLE, for you.

Meaning, you are 2nd place.


That is very demeaning.
Do you think I would've stayed with my wife if I was her 2nd choice? Hell no! I would said "Nice knowing ya, I'll find someone else."
Do you think Calvin or Dig or B1 or any of the BH on this site would've stayed if they were their wive's 2nd choice? Hell NO!

You are thinking:
"Oh, she'll be sorry, and realize what she did was wrong, and she'll want to make it up, and reconcile, and be together forever, and she'll magically remember her marital vows, and she'll love me like I deserve."

Dude, if I could reach out to you, I would grab you and beat some sense into you!

Women don't think logically about affairs.
It could be argued that men don't as well, but women especailly don't!!!
Your wife does not love you! She does not want you! She does not want to reconcile with you!

That is why we are all saying, DIVORCE, 180, change your locks and your keys!!!

Do you think we are saying this because you should divorce? No! Well, actually some mght argue with me there, but let's not deal with that right now.

It is because, sometimes when the WS gets home with all their crap on the lawn, their key no longer works to the front door, and a text on their phone saying "Meet in Court Monday. We'll finalize the divorce then." Is what that WS needs to finally wake up, pull their head out of their ass, and realize what they are about to lose!

And until you realize that, you are continually going to set yourself up for your wife to hurt you!

 

[Juicer]

Think I read somewhere in here that you are bi-polar.

Are you in one of those period of manic or whatever it is called?

Because if you are, snap out of it!!!

Everyone on here, is saying she isn't coming back. I had people on this same page, tell me on my thread, I could have my wife back if I wanted to.

Not one of them has said you can have yours back if you want. Because she doesn't want you! You can't force someone to reconcile. You can't even force someone to stay in a marriage!

Notice a difference?

 

[warlock07]

The only reason she would come home would be to get her clothes.

Or because the OM might not want her.