[Tested_by_stress]

The sexual affair with the dealer would be an insurmountable obstacle to reconciling for me . If he can get past that, he's truly an exception to most people.Once the newness of the situation goes away and the adrenalin dies down,the reality of what the OP did is going to hit him like a ton of bricks.They say time is a healer but it might be the opposite in this case. I sincerely hope there are no STD's in incubation.It's highly doubtful the OP was the only customer paying with sex.

 

[Diana7]

I don't agree that some people are lifelong addict's and can't help themselves. I used to be addicted to nicotine in my late teens to early 20's.Its highly addictive.
I gave up because I didn't want my small children breathing in smoke when they already had a dad who smoked.
Never been addicted to anything since.

 

[Butforthegrace]

Being married to an addict is hard. Very hard. The stress and strain can remove years from your life. But in terms of infidelity, for me, personally, one of the easiest versions of infidelity to recover from would be the type here. You husband sounds like a strong man. You should count yourself lucky.

 

[Ek15]

It was not an explicitly sex for drugs situation and he isn't like a classic dealer you are probably picturing. He was not having sex with anyone else during this time, not that it matters, I am extremely grateful that my tests have been negative so far. I know I am capable of staying sober. I have done it before and know i can by taking the right steps and precautions. I know how to stay sober and it will get easier with time but rebuilding my marriage and helping him is what I have never experienced before and don't know what I should expect or how to help him.

 

[Sisyphus11]

It was not an explicitly sex for drugs situation and he isn't like a classic dealer you are probably picturing. He was not having sex with anyone else during this time, not that it matters.

Are you being completely honest as to why you reached out to him?

How did it escalate from him giving you drugs to then having an affair?

How many points along the way did you have the ability to stop it but chose not to?

 

[Casual Observer]

It was not an explicitly sex for drugs situation and he isn't like a classic dealer you are probably picturing. He was not having sex with anyone else during this time, not that it matters, I am extremely grateful that my tests have been negative so far. I know I am capable of staying sober. I have done it before and know i can by taking the right steps and precautions. I know how to stay sober and it will get easier with time but rebuilding my marriage and helping him is what I have never experienced before and don't know what I should expect or how to help him.

From where do you draw the conclusion addiction will get easier with time?

I’m sorry but there’s just way too much rationalization going on. Now you’re saying that your affair was not explicitly drugs for sex. You don’t see how that could be the addict part of you rationalizing ways around blaming addiction? Same thing happened when you didn’t tell the doctors you were an addict when they prescribed painkillers.

The treatment you need is far more important and extensive than you’ve lead us to believe you’ve been receiving. Not everyone who does drugs (or, in @Diana7’s case, smokes) becomes addicted in a strongly intractable manner. Some can break free on their own, without any issue. But someone who has gone down the road multiple times, with EVERYTHING at stake? No. Very unlikely you can pull this off on your own. It’s unfortunate but it’s how you’re wired.

 

[MattMatt]

Do you know what co-dependant means?

The fact you have treated him like this and he still wants to stay is a massive red flag. How badly have you destroyed his self-esteem over the years?

Imagine what sort of life he could have after being set free from his cheating, drug addict wife. He could meet a woman who is sober, loyal and appreciates everything about him.

You are selfishly denying him this chance at happiness.

Codswallop!

 

[oldshirt]

It was not an explicitly sex for drugs situation and he isn't like a classic dealer you are probably picturing. He was not having sex with anyone else during this time, not that it matters, I am extremely grateful that my tests have been negative so far. I know I am capable of staying sober. I have done it before and know i can by taking the right steps and precautions. I know how to stay sober and it will get easier with time but rebuilding my marriage and helping him is what I have never experienced before and don't know what I should expect or how to help him.

oh so he was a good drug dealer that bangs his clients?

Saying that you as the drug addict and he as the drug dealer were somehow different and somehow better than other addicts and dealers is self delusion and evidence that you are not recovered yet and that you are not yet ready face realities and make amends yet.

If you believe you and he were somehow different and better than common street junkies and dealers, then you still have a lot of work to do yet.

I hope you are able to do it and truly become clean.

 

[oldshirt]

How would you answer if you knew she would do this again in 5 years…. and now they have a kid.

Or better yet …. does this while she is pregnant.

She is already a repeat offender.

What kind of position would that guy be in then ?

What happens when all the stress of being a new mom arrives or pain medication after giving birth?

She isn’t worth the risk to him. He is just screwed in the head right now and being reactive and not looking ahead to the future.

OR….. how about having an unhealthy child from her drug use….then they all pay the price.

The possibility of her having a child with a learning disability is HUGE.

She isn’t worth it…..no way.

She is clearly extremely high risk and not currently wife material and may never be.

but the question is not whether she will or will not offend again, but whether she should unilaterally opt to dump her husband and walk away for HIS benefit.

If he were to ask me my opinion on what he should do, my advice would be to hand her her clothes and personal items and wish her well as he moves on with his own life.

But he isn’t the one asking what he should do.

she is the one what she should do.

she has stated if he wants to divorce, she will understand and will comply. That is fair.

but HE needs to be the one to decide what course of action he should take. That is what agency and empowerment is and at this point the one thing he needs most is agency and empowerment over his own life.

And what she needs to do is to grant him his own agency and empowerment over his own well being and his own interests.

he may be a dumb azz and crazy for staying with her, but at least that would be by his own choice.

 

[Divinely Favored]

I don't agree that some people are lifelong addict's and can't help themselves. I used to be addicted to nicotine in my late teens to early 20's.Its highly addictive.
I gave up because I didn't want my small children breathing in smoke when they already had a dad who smoked.
Never been addicted to anything since.

I smoked 2 packs Marlboro Reds a day and drank up to 2 liters of Scotch or Bourbon a week in college. Stopped both cold turkey.

 

[Casual Observer]

I smoked 2 packs Marlboro Reds a day and drank up to 2 liters of Scotch or Bourbon a week in college. Stopped both cold turkey.

I think there’s a misconception about addiction vs ritual enjoyment. Unfortunately you probably can’t know which is which until you stop. Or try to.

 

[Diana7]

I smoked 2 packs Marlboro Reds a day and drank up to 2 liters of Scotch or Bourbon a week in college. Stopped both cold turkey.

My dad smoked for about 40 years and like you just stopped. I found it hard when I stopped as you do get withdrawal symptoms and my ex still smoked around me, but it was for my children.
Anyone can stop an addiction if they really want to.

 

[Ek15]

I did not think I would have sex with him when we first got in contact. We slept together a few times years ago when we were friends. I had not spoken to him since I got sober the first time and since being with my husband. I was taking more of my prescription and running out leading to physical and emotional withdrawal. I thought he was my best chance at getting more drugs.

he hit on me, made moves and wanted something to happen between us. We were spending time together and getting more comfortable with each other while using large amounts of drugs. I was not in my right mind. I made rationalizations and was scared of losing access. It escalated to heroin, I had never done it before, and it was over. When people use drugs together you form a trauma bond. I am in no way better than run of the mill addicts, that would be ridiculous with what I have been doing and I don't believe that. It wasn't as simple as transactional sex for drugs, but I also realize that I probably would have lost access and it would have been different if I weren't having sex with him. I had many points I could have stopped it, but chose not to and here I am. staying sober gets easier with time since last use. The more time I have the better off I will be.

 

[Sisyphus11]

We slept together a few times years ago when we were friends.

Seems strange you would leave this detail out of your first post. Almost like you are still trying to protect your ego even to anonymous people online.

I’m assuming the sex was unprotected as well.

 

[Ek15]

Seems strange you would leave this detail out of your first post. Almost like you are still trying to protect your ego even to anonymous people online.

I should have included it. I don't have any ego left, I'm at the lowest point of my life.

 

[Bluesclues]

@Ek15 How long have you been out of inpatient rehab? Knowing that can help inform where your husband might be mentally. It is a hell of a long process.

 

[Divinely Favored]

My dad smoked for about 40 years and like you just stopped. I found it hard when I stopped as you do get withdrawal symptoms and my ex still smoked around me, but it was for my children.
Anyone can stop an addiction if they really want to.

I can still taste the first drag, especially after a good meal or a beer. That was hardest time.

 

[Ek15]

We used protection at first. I am not defending myself or him, there is no defense.

I went to detox 7 weeks ago. I was there for 4 days and started outpatient treatment. It is still very early. He got confirmation I was seeing someone else a month before I went to detox.

 

[Casual Observer]

We used protection at first. I am not defending myself or him, there is no defense.

I went to detox 7 weeks ago. I was there for 4 days and started outpatient treatment. It is still very early. He got confirmation I was seeing someone else a month before I went to detox.

Do you have a sponsor?

 

[Casual Observer]

Anyone can stop an addiction if they really want to.

We’re not all wired the same, nor do we have the same support network. Were you a Christian at the time? Did you draw on your faith for strength?