[LisaDiane]

She should do it anyway to prevent him from going threw this again…..then again…..then again…..

I think this is terrible advice, because her dumping her husband when HE doesn't want that would be just another way that she is taking all the control over what happens to him in his life away from him. Loving and living with an addict is chaos and one of the most painful parts about it is never knowing what is going to happen next, and having absolutely NO control over that.

That's what creates codependency in people who have relationships with addicts.

So for her to dump him, "for his own good", when HE hasn't chosen that, is another way that he would be victimized by her. At this point, the best thing she can do for him is to LET HIM CHOOSE what happens to his marriage and life.

Now that the horror of her addictive behaviors are over, his mind and heart need to adjust and recover, before he can even comprehend what happened to their (his) lives. He may very well decide he doesn't want to be married to her. But in order for her to stop traumatizing him, HE needs to make that choice, not her.

 

[Ek15]

He knew I was an addict but never saw it. It was never as bad as recently and I didn't do terrible things like this.

I am in counseling on my own and see another one as a part of my treatment program and NA meetings are part of that.

we were just a normal, healthy, and happy couple before this. He loves me and is probably the only reason he has not left. I got sober and met him and drugs were not a part of my life anymore, I didn't even think about it. I was naive and too comfortable in my recovery because it had been so long and I was young. I am not going to and can't leave him. I have taken every step I can think of to get my mental and addiction issues under control. I never told my doctors I was an addict, the injuries I had I think I would have had to been prescribed narcotics even if I did tell them but I should have. We both want to reconcile because our marriage was so amazing before this and we don't want to be with anyone else. We have talked about what I am dealing with if he asks me. I'm trying not to be negative and dump my feelings on him so I try to just focus on him and our marriage. I have never been to marriage counseling but I hope it can help us communicate and get us on a good path at least. Communication is something we struggling with right now. We are both talked out and we want to get past it and I wish it were so simple.

I have been tested for stds and do not have anything so far. He does not want to divorce or me to leave, he has been adamant about this but I will offer again.

 

[Sisyphus11]

I have been tested for stds and do not have anything so far. He does not want to divorce or me to leave, he has been adamant about this but I will offer again.

I’m just wondering what your reaction would have been if your husband was screwing his drug dealer for 3 months behind your back?

 

[Ek15]

I’m just wondering what your reaction would have been if your husband was screwing his drug dealer for 3 months behind your back?

It would hurt me and I would be angry and heartbroken.
I want to fix my marriage and am willing to do what it takes to accomplish that. I don't think reconciliation is impossible for us.

 

[Sisyphus11]

It would hurt me and I would be angry and heartbroken.
I want to fix my marriage and am willing to do what it takes to accomplish that. I don't think reconciliation is impossible for us.

Do you know what co-dependant means?

The fact you have treated him like this and he still wants to stay is a massive red flag. How badly have you destroyed his self-esteem over the years?

Imagine what sort of life he could have after being set free from his cheating, drug addict wife. He could meet a woman who is sober, loyal and appreciates everything about him.

You are selfishly denying him this chance at happiness.

 

[Laurentium]

I am in counseling on my own and see another one as a part of my treatment program and NA meetings are part of that.

Sounds good

 

[oldshirt]

She should do it anyway to prevent him from going threw this again…..then again…..then again…..

I don't believe in what they called "preemptive dumping" on Seinfeld.

I think people should pursue their own best interests and what is best for them as long as it is not to intentionally harm the other.

If she believes that being with her husband will be the best for her recovery and her well being, then it is incumbent on her to do her best to make remaining with her the best option for her as well.

If on the other hand he believes that it is in his best interests to not be with her, then it is on her to dump her.

It is the dog's responsibility to scratch off the flea. It is not the flea's responsibility to jump off the dog.

We may wish that fleas would do that of their own volition, but at the end of the day, it is the dog's responsibility to protect his own health and well being. The flea is just being a flea.

So if the OP does not want to be a parasite that gets scratched off because she is being a detriment to her host (ie her H) then it is on her to elevate herself from a parasite that causes harm, to being a contributing and beneficial partner.

But it is not her responsibility to preemptively dump herself if he does not wish a divorce.

If he wants a divorce (which would be perfectly legitimate here) he knows where the courthouse is.

 

[bobert]

pain medication after giving birth?

They give women regular tylenol and ibuprofen, if that.

 

[Openminded]

Normal reconciliation is difficult, full of ups and downs, can take years and sometimes it fails regardless of the effort. Reconciliation with an addict? That could be on another level entirely. He’s given you a huge gift by wanting to stay (I doubt many men would) so cherish it and do everything you can never to make him regret it. I hope all goes well for both of you.

 

[bobert]

If the husband wants a divorce, he can initiate that process. She has already made enough decisions for him about their relationship.

My wife spent a long time wanting to divorce because she thought it was the best thing for me and that I just wouldn’t do it. One of the therapists we had at the time said if she wanted to leave for herself, go for it, but she didn't get to decide what the right decision for me was. The same applies here.

 

[bobert]

He knew I was an addict but never saw it. It was never as bad as recently and I didn't do terrible things like this.

I am in counseling on my own and see another one as a part of my treatment program and NA meetings are part of that.

we were just a normal, healthy, and happy couple before this. He loves me and is probably the only reason he has not left. I got sober and met him and drugs were not a part of my life anymore, I didn't even think about it. I was naive and too comfortable in my recovery because it had been so long and I was young. I am not going to and can't leave him. I have taken every step I can think of to get my mental and addiction issues under control. I never told my doctors I was an addict, the injuries I had I think I would have had to been prescribed narcotics even if I did tell them but I should have. We both want to reconcile because our marriage was so amazing before this and we don't want to be with anyone else. We have talked about what I am dealing with if he asks me. I'm trying not to be negative and dump my feelings on him so I try to just focus on him and our marriage. I have never been to marriage counseling but I hope it can help us communicate and get us on a good path at least. Communication is something we struggling with right now. We are both talked out and we want to get past it and I wish it were so simple.

I have been tested for stds and do not have anything so far. He does not want to divorce or me to leave, he has been adamant about this but I will offer again.

A lot of marriage counselors suck. It may take some time to find a good one. It can help a lot though. He should be in IC as well.

Don't keep asking if he wants a divorce. It gets old quickly.

 

[SnowToArmPits]

Hi OP. Most of the posters here have been cheated on, emotions can get heated when advising a cheater. You're going to need some thick skin for a week or two, but if you tell the truth and listen to the advice given, almost all posters will be supportive.

Keep getting individual counselling in whatever forms might be available to you. I can forsee you attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings perhaps forever. Take advantage of such groups to help get your life back on track.

You are very lucky your husband has stuck with you, you chose well there. Try to be patient, kind, understanding. He may fly off the handle with anger at some points here, and, he may withdraw from you emotionally. A separation often happens in cases like yours.

I hope you can repair your relationship OP. You're going to need courage and patience. If you have other family members available to you, now's the time lean on them.

 

[Sisyphus11]

You are very lucky your husband has stuck with you, you chose well there.

If we simulate this situation 1000 times, how many times do you think the husband will look back and say he was glad he tried to make it work?

My over/under is zero.

 

[bobert]

If we simulate this situation 1000 times, how many times do you think the husband will look back and say he was glad he tried to make it work?

My over/under is zero.

That's your opinion, not the husband's. He may look back with regret, or he may look back and be glad that they made it or glad that they at least tried. It's certainly not a 0% chance.

 

[Ek15]

If he wants to divorce me and thinks it would be what is best for him I won't stop him, but I'm not going to leave him. I am an addict but I was sober for a long time and still would have been if it weren't for the heavy narcotics I was prescribed. I have never cheated before this. All of this is terrible but I believe there is a lot of good between us still and is worth trying to salvage. I don't want to throw away years of my life with over a few months. Is my story that much worse that I shouldn't try

 

[LisaDiane]

How would you answer if you knew she would do this again in 5 years…. and now they have a kid.

Or better yet …. does this while she is pregnant.

She is already a repeat offender.

What kind of position would that guy be in then ?

What happens when all the stress of being a new mom arrives or pain medication after giving birth?

She isn’t worth the risk to him. He is just screwed in the head right now and being reactive and not looking ahead to the future.

OR….. how about having an unhealthy child from her drug use….then they all pay the price.

The possibility of her having a child with a learning disability is HUGE.

She isn’t worth it…..no way.

My answer would be the same.
I do understand why this is your advice, but you aren't thinking about how much worse it would be for him if, after everything he put up with and did to save her and their relationship, SHE then chose divorce "for him"....that would be a betrayal for him that would be very hard for him to get over, and it's just NOT FAIR for her to make that decision for him.

 

[Mr.Married]

Is my story that much worse that I shouldn't try

No your story isn’t worse. I think your intent is good but you don’t have control over yourself. You are a HUGE RISK to your husband and future child. That fact that you went so long between being episodes I feel strengthens my point. No amount of time fixes your base line character. I’m not saying dope heads can’t turn it around in life. You just aren’t one of them.

 

[bobert]

I am an addict but I was sober for a long time and still would have been if it weren't for the heavy narcotics I was prescribed.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. You didn't take your addiction seriously, didn't tell your doctor(s) that you're an addict, and your husband seemingly wasn't aware of how serious it was. The situation may have turned out differently if you handled it better.

Don't blame your infidelity on being an addict. That won't get you to where you want to be.

I don't want to throw away years of my life with over a few months.

This rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't just a few bad months. Those few months destroyed the marriage that you had. You already decided to throw away all those good years. That great marriage is over, gone, dead. I don't mean to sound like an a-hole, but it's the truth. It can be good again, but it will never be the way that it was.

 

[Rob_1]

She isn’t worth the risk to him.

I agree, nonetheless, regardless, it is not what the husband wants. If he wants to be a fool, then a fool he will be, but it's his choice.

 

[Casual Observer]

@Ek15 , you sound way too sure if things when you believe that you wouldn’t be where you are now if not for the accident. As an addict, you knew the dangers narcotics posed to you, and it was your DECISION to not inform the doctors, who WOULD have treated you very differently, perhaps not in the initial pain drugs prescribed, but certainly in the follow up.

That you are and we’re an addict goes without saying. For a little while, your relationship with your husband gave you the “high” you needed, but in addiction, that high needs to be escalated. You know where that went.

And then you talk about not throwing away your life because of a 3 month period where you screwed up?

You don’t have to save your husband by initiating a divorce, but if he isn’t woken up about the long-term dangers of a relationship with an addict, if he thinks it’s something he can just ignore for a while because the current crisis is “over”, then, if you truly love this guy, you have to wake him up and let him know what he’s really dealing with.