[Ek15]

I don't know what help I can be offered but am going to ask anyway.

I had been sober since I was 20, I got sober young. I put it behind me after and it wasn't a problem again until recently. I was prescribed pain pills for an extended amount of time because of injuries from a car accident. It got to where I was taking more than I should have, running out, and was back into full addiction. I reached out to an old friend of mine in search of drugs. I did not reach out thinking we would start a relationship in the beginning. I started getting drugs from him, going to his house and we started a sexual relationship that lasted almost 3 months.

My husband was never with me while I was actively using in my earlier life and never thought I would again. It was never as bad as it was this time. I started lying, disappearing, was acting like a different person and also felt like one. My husband didn't know what was going on at first and didn't know what to do. He found out by looking at my phone. I denied it, lied, and we had many fights about it. It kept getting worse and the last few weeks of my affair there were some nights I wouldn't come home and was unreachable.

My husband found out where he lives and where I was using my phone. He came and literally dragged me out of there and took me to a detox center. They got into a bad fight and it was a complete disaster. He had my phone while I was in detox and he looked at everything. He blocked several people and pretended to be me to see what he said.

While I was detoxing it really hit me, I was in total despair and realized what I had been doing and what I did to my husband. Not only was he scared I was going to die, but all of the sudden I was someone else and nothing he said or did was helping while at the same time betraying him in the worst way. You can imagine what this has done to him, he is very traumatized. He never expected this from me. He protected me from losing my job and got me put on leave, I am back now. I didn't expect my addiction to come back like this and I was much worse this time around.

I feel completely stuck in self hatred, suicidal ideation and it isn't helping my marriage. I have been stuck in soul crushing depression where you body physically hurts. I can't talk to him about it because I don't want him to think I am making it about me when he might feel worse. I did some truly disgusting and horrifying things so I deserve these feelings. First thoughts will probably be that my husband should leave me and maybe he should, but we are both committed to reconciliation and we do not want to divorce.

I am reading the books, location sharing and open devices, I made a list of all of my accounts and passwords, therapy, marriage counseling soon, I wrote out everything that happened, outpatient rehab, am taking suboxone and depression meds, offered drug tests whenever. I feel that I have to get in a better place mentally to help my husband, and I am trying, but can't seem to. I have been trying to show him how apologetic I am and how much I love him, doing things for him, making plans for us. His anger has disappeared for now and he is just hurt and pulling away from me. I am putting a lot of hope in marriage counseling. I don't want to overly blame drugs, I made my choices but it isn't something I would do in my right mind and sober.

when I first got out we went through stages of being very close and talked about what happened. I think he was just happy I was back home and not dead. He has been closed off lately and it has me losing it internally. I can't talk to anyone about this so I'm just looking for advice and anything else I should be doing for him and my marriage. I want him to open back up to me now that things have settled down.

 

[Casual Observer]

Did you husband know and understand your past before you married? If not, you’re asking way too much of him, hoping to reconcile.

MC is not really the answer here. You need heavy duty individual counseling to understand your addiction and it’s permanence; there’s something about the way that you’re wired that makes it likely it will happen again and your husband won’t be the reason. Nor can he play much of a role in keeping you sober. This is really all about you.

Why do you think your husband hasn’t left? Learn about codependent relationships and, out of whatever love you have for him, make sure he’s not in one with you. Don’t allow your illness to destroy him.

You need more help than any marriage could provide, even with the most wonderful guy in the world. Hurt people hurt people. Get professional help. You need to save yourself first, marriage second.

 

[Mr.Married]

If you really want what is best for him then you will give him a friendly divorce. Some people don’t have what it takes to be a valuable and worthwhile life partner. You are a multiple offender and as a person you have little to no value in a relationship. You only bring pain and suffering.

 

[Sisyphus11]

Im sorry but as someone else suggested, if you truly care for your husband you need to convince him to leave you. Rebuild his self-esteem so he can dump you and find a partner who will treat him the way he deserves.

 

[Laurentium]

MC is not really the answer here. You need heavy duty individual counseling

Nine times out of ten I recommend marriage counseling, but in this case you (CO) are probably right

 

[MIB]

@Ek15

As the husband of one who died from what you were doing, there is something that jumps out at me. Maybe you worded it wrong and already know it, but just in case, this jumped out at me:

“I didn't expect my addiction to come back.”

Addictions don’t come back. Addictions never leave. If you are sober 100 years in a row, you are still an addict that whole time. Your entire life will be a journey of remaining sober. You need to remember that addiction never goes away.

You can’t do anything for him unless you are a complete you. It sounds early. The best you can do is let time go by while proving your commitment to him and giving him freedom to mourn the wife he once had and grow to love the wife he has now. This will take time. A long time.

I could write a lot more, but it’s early and I just saw this while browsing the site and felt compelled to point out what I did.

 

[Laurentium]

I made a list of all of my accounts and passwords, therapy, marriage counseling soon, I wrote out everything that happened, outpatient rehab, am taking suboxone and depression meds, offered drug tests whenever. I feel that I have to get in a better place mentally to help my husband, and I am trying, but can't seem to.

Are you in some kind of recovery group, like AA or something similar? That can really help

 

[peace&love]

It sounds like your fighting some demons and will be for a long time. If your husband is still with you then you know he loves you but know he is also fighting some demons. He needs counseling as much as you do. People tend to forgive but they never forget. He needs to work through these things that have happened also. Counseling will be the only way and you might have a chance at staying together.

 

[manwithnoname]

Consider yourself lucky that your husband is a good person. Many others would have left you in that dumpster of a life you were living. He may be a good person, but also not a pushover. He may have thought things over and he’s unable to accept what you did.

Thank him for being a good person and husband and tell him you’ll grant a divorce if he wants.

Find a support group.

Good luck.

 

[In Absentia]

You need a proper support network around you.

 

[Tested_by_stress]

There is nuclear level damage to overcome here. I doubt the success level for reconcililliation is very high in cases such as yours. This will play on your husband for a very long time and it's possible he'll never get over it.Advice on how to fix this is probably beyond the pay scale of anyone reading this thread. The reality is, it may not be fixable. You need to convince your husband that this was beyond your control but ask yourself this first...Was it?

 

[bobert]

This may be a stage that your husband is going through (there is no quick or easy to fix), or he may be changing his mind about reconciliation. When he decided to reconcile, he was worried about you dying and in shock. Now that you are home and the shock is wearing off, he may be thinking more clearly or just thinking more about his options.

When my wife's infidelity came to light she lied about it, trickle truthed, then dumped it all out which was a big enough shock on its own, then attempted suicide, was put into a psych ward, diagnoses were being thrown around, she got worse instead of better, I was sure she was going die, got transferred to a psych hospital, then she worse even worse, then they had to get her off benzos and that was not a fun time.

It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to make rational decisions in a time like that. His focus was on you not dying, getting better, trying to make sense of what was going on, trying to connect who he thought you were with who you really are. Now that things have calmed down to some degree, he can slow down and think about himself rather than you. That doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is doomed though.

Why does your husband want to reconcile? Do you have kids?

I can't talk to him about it because I don't want him to think I am making it about me when he might feel worse. I did some truly disgusting and horrifying things so I deserve these feelings.

Have you talked to your husband about this? Or have you opened up to him and he had a negative reaction? His response could go either way, or it could change daily.

After my wife's infidelity, I didn't give a rat's ass how she was feeling but at the same time, her opening up to me was a factor in deciding to reconcile. He may be able to tell that you STILL are not being open with him, and that won't help reconcile. He also likely feels like he shouldn't be open with you or trust you, because you destroyed every ounce of trust and it takes a LONG time to get that back (years, if ever). Currently, you are not a safe person for him.

And feeling like that isn't healthy for you or the marriage. You DO need to be able to talk about what is going on and how you are feeling, if not to your husband then to someone else (not a male!). You said you are in therapy, stick to that and be honest. My wife struggles to talk to anyone really because she "did that to herself", "deserves to feel that way", etc. It's been years of that and it's not healthy or helpful. You do deserve to feel better, and you need to if you want your marriage to have a shot.

You also need to be taking your addiction much more seriously than you did in the past. Being an addict doesn't ever go away. It is with you for the rest of your life. Were the doctors that treated you after the car accident aware that you are an addict? It sounds like you didn't take that seriously, so what are you doing about it now to take it seriously?

 

[gameopoly5]

I don't know what help I can be offered but am going to ask anyway.

I had been sober since I was 20, I got sober young. I put it behind me after and it wasn't a problem again until recently. I was prescribed pain pills for an extended amount of time because of injuries from a car accident. It got to where I was taking more than I should have, running out, and was back into full addiction. I reached out to an old friend of mine in search of drugs. I did not reach out thinking we would start a relationship in the beginning. I started getting drugs from him, going to his house and we started a sexual relationship that lasted almost 3 months.

My husband was never with me while I was actively using in my earlier life and never thought I would again. It was never as bad as it was this time. I started lying, disappearing, was acting like a different person and also felt like one. My husband didn't know what was going on at first and didn't know what to do. He found out by looking at my phone. I denied it, lied, and we had many fights about it. It kept getting worse and the last few weeks of my affair there were some nights I wouldn't come home and was unreachable.

My husband found out where he lives and where I was using my phone. He came and literally dragged me out of there and took me to a detox center. They got into a bad fight and it was a complete disaster. He had my phone while I was in detox and he looked at everything. He blocked several people and pretended to be me to see what he said.

While I was detoxing it really hit me, I was in total despair and realized what I had been doing and what I did to my husband. Not only was he scared I was going to die, but all of the sudden I was someone else and nothing he said or did was helping while at the same time betraying him in the worst way. You can imagine what this has done to him, he is very traumatized. He never expected this from me. He protected me from losing my job and got me put on leave, I am back now. I didn't expect my addiction to come back like this and I was much worse this time around.

I feel completely stuck in self hatred, suicidal ideation and it isn't helping my marriage. I have been stuck in soul crushing depression where you body physically hurts. I can't talk to him about it because I don't want him to think I am making it about me when he might feel worse. I did some truly disgusting and horrifying things so I deserve these feelings. First thoughts will probably be that my husband should leave me and maybe he should, but we are both committed to reconciliation and we do not want to divorce.

I am reading the books, location sharing and open devices, I made a list of all of my accounts and passwords, therapy, marriage counseling soon, I wrote out everything that happened, outpatient rehab, am taking suboxone and depression meds, offered drug tests whenever. I feel that I have to get in a better place mentally to help my husband, and I am trying, but can't seem to. I have been trying to show him how apologetic I am and how much I love him, doing things for him, making plans for us. His anger has disappeared for now and he is just hurt and pulling away from me. I am putting a lot of hope in marriage counseling. I don't want to overly blame drugs, I made my choices but it isn't something I would do in my right mind and sober.

when I first got out we went through stages of being very close and talked about what happened. I think he was just happy I was back home and not dead. He has been closed off lately and it has me losing it internally. I can't talk to anyone about this so I'm just looking for advice and anything else I should be doing for him and my marriage. I want him to open back up to me now that things have settled down.

What you have said in your post sounds almost exactly about the wife in the 2015 movie, I Smile Back.
Same thing, wife is a drug addict and a sex addict, she has lots of affairs.
Her husband also sends her to a detox center but it doesn`t work.
It ends with the wife arriving home at night after being beaten up and robbed by a guy she had sex with in the toilet at a bar, badly beaten she see`s her husband standing on the staircase and she walks out the front door for good, movie ends.
Here are some details:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Smile_Back

I suggest you find this movie online and watch it that may make you think about things, which may help your situation.

 

[SunCMars]

Drug addiction is one of the nastiest scourges that mankind faces.

Our bodies are basically, chemical factories and entities.

That balance between normal, functional and healthy to being broken is so tenuous.

The strongest man or woman can be made into a slave by mere micro-grams of a drug's toxicity.

Your case of how you slipped into severe dependence and then into sexual slavery to your supplier, is so commonly real and pandemic.

You are not alone.
Millions of young and old people are dealing with this issue.

I wish you a good recovery.

Your husband has been a Saint, we can only pray he will continue to stand by you.

Make it worth his effort.
Be humble, be kind.
Be patient.



Are Dee-

 

[Diana7]

Do you think it may help to give each other a little space? Maybe a couple of months of living apart?

 

[MJJEAN]

Nevermind.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Have you been tested for STDs. Get another test 6mo later to rule out herpes and HIV.

I had a parolee that was one of the founding members of the Arian Circle prison gang. He said he disgusts him self in what he can have young girls do for meth. The degrading things he had them do. He was like a pimp, guys would pay him and the girls would do sexual things with the other guys so the girls could get the meth..

Had another parolee who's wife was transporting her boss to get meth. He was called by PD one day to come pick up the baby and car seat. She was starting her felony rap sheet. I told him to get custody and divorce. She most likely was doing her boss for meth. Told him I can give him a phone # to the polygrapher our office uses to poly sex offenders.

He sadly took her back and several months later walked away from him and their 2 little children.

 

[oldshirt]

The best thing you can do is get yourself squared away and do the right things. Develop yourself and be the best person you can. The better person you and the most developed and squared away you are, that will put you in the best position whether he stays with you or not.

Whether he remains together with you are not is his choice.

The more squared away you are, the better off you will be regardless of what path he chooses.

 

[MattMatt]

If you really want what is best for him then you will give him a friendly divorce. Some people don’t have what it takes to be a valuable and worthwhile life partner. You are a multiple offender and as a person you have little to no value in a relationship. You only bring pain and suffering.

And if he doesn't want a divorce?

 

[Mr.Married]

And if he doesn't want a divorce?

She should do it anyway to prevent him from going threw this again…..then again…..then again…..