Hi.
I'm relatively new to the forum but my husband and I have been struggling for quite some time. We have been in therapy since April, both together and separately. We have two boys, age 10 & 11. We have been married for over 18 years. We have had a lot of ups and downs in terms of infertility, a sick child, demanding careers, etc. But we have always come together and have been able to attack our issues. Our kids are thriving.
The problem has been that my husband started sensing a real void in our marriage a few years ago--not just physical intimacy, but emotional as well. And he's right. I sunk into depression about 3 years ago and withdrew from him. I was in denial about it for along time. I have always been an overachiever and did not think I needed help. I was exhausted, anxious and depleted on every level and I could not and did not respond to his needs. I put the kids and the demands of my career first, thinking that my husband understood. I needed to keep my job as there were many expenses related to my son't illness. I felt my husband was demanding too much of me.
I began to get help earlier this year and went on an anti-depressant which literally changed my life. I have been working to get healthy and have been working to repair the damage I have done. He feels that is too late. He is not sure he has what to repair our marriage and in a sense, start over. Neither of us have been unfaithful. There is just tremendous sadness and heartbreak.
He would like to try a separation. My therapist thinks it's potentially very damaging, esp. to the kids. Our marriage therapist thinks it could help. My husband wants to figure out how to be happy and practice "self-care." I wish he could do that while we are living together, as I am doing now. He has not closed the door to reconciliation down the road, but says that "he's not sure he has what it takes to make me happy." If he does move out, he found a place that is month to month and we would continue to "date." He says he doesn't want anyone else, I kind of believe him--as he says, he just feels "gutted", his self-worth is at an all time low.
I love him to death. I want to grow old together. I want us to have a happy life with the kids. I am sick that I am the main reason this has happened. I've lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short time; I literally can't eat. I am doing everything in my power to show him that I love and support him.
Should I support his need to separate and try to make it as easy for him as possible? I really care about him and ultimately want him to find happiness. He is from a divorced family and he really doesn't want to do this to the kids. Is there hope for us to perhaps repair the damage and maybe rebuild a new and better relationship?
Our kids are amazing, we are still very kind and respectful to each other, of course there is tension, but the kids have no idea. We are brutally honest with each other.
I have lost faith on our marriage counselor because she has not really been much of a guide. We revisit the same things week after week. Argh. But I'm not sure what another marriage counselor would tell us at this point.
Any advice/insights/personal stories are welcome.
thank you-
nan
I'm relatively new to the forum but my husband and I have been struggling for quite some time. We have been in therapy since April, both together and separately. We have two boys, age 10 & 11. We have been married for over 18 years. We have had a lot of ups and downs in terms of infertility, a sick child, demanding careers, etc. But we have always come together and have been able to attack our issues. Our kids are thriving.
The problem has been that my husband started sensing a real void in our marriage a few years ago--not just physical intimacy, but emotional as well. And he's right. I sunk into depression about 3 years ago and withdrew from him. I was in denial about it for along time. I have always been an overachiever and did not think I needed help. I was exhausted, anxious and depleted on every level and I could not and did not respond to his needs. I put the kids and the demands of my career first, thinking that my husband understood. I needed to keep my job as there were many expenses related to my son't illness. I felt my husband was demanding too much of me.
I began to get help earlier this year and went on an anti-depressant which literally changed my life. I have been working to get healthy and have been working to repair the damage I have done. He feels that is too late. He is not sure he has what to repair our marriage and in a sense, start over. Neither of us have been unfaithful. There is just tremendous sadness and heartbreak.
He would like to try a separation. My therapist thinks it's potentially very damaging, esp. to the kids. Our marriage therapist thinks it could help. My husband wants to figure out how to be happy and practice "self-care." I wish he could do that while we are living together, as I am doing now. He has not closed the door to reconciliation down the road, but says that "he's not sure he has what it takes to make me happy." If he does move out, he found a place that is month to month and we would continue to "date." He says he doesn't want anyone else, I kind of believe him--as he says, he just feels "gutted", his self-worth is at an all time low.
I love him to death. I want to grow old together. I want us to have a happy life with the kids. I am sick that I am the main reason this has happened. I've lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short time; I literally can't eat. I am doing everything in my power to show him that I love and support him.
Should I support his need to separate and try to make it as easy for him as possible? I really care about him and ultimately want him to find happiness. He is from a divorced family and he really doesn't want to do this to the kids. Is there hope for us to perhaps repair the damage and maybe rebuild a new and better relationship?
Our kids are amazing, we are still very kind and respectful to each other, of course there is tension, but the kids have no idea. We are brutally honest with each other.
I have lost faith on our marriage counselor because she has not really been much of a guide. We revisit the same things week after week. Argh. But I'm not sure what another marriage counselor would tell us at this point.
Any advice/insights/personal stories are welcome.
thank you-
nan