Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I promise that normally I am a lot more of the happy go lucky type and positive...but this process has just done me in, absolutely every inch of my soul is tired.

I left my husband of 2 years (been together 7) at the end of last month, it has officially been one month as of tomorrow, he is dealing with a lot of mental health issues and I have done everything in my power to help him and encourage him to seek mental health counselling (which he is doing), the issue is the behaviour that he exhibits whether he is medicated (or not) and when he is therapy (or not) had been becoming increasingly dangerous, abusive and degrading towards me and had started to happen in front of our children (1 child of his from a previous marriage and one from our marriage).

I left with the children and our dog in tow and he had told me he had hit his rock bottom... and was going to work so hard on fixing everything... I believed him, until tonight.

All I want in my life is a partner who loves unconditionally, values and respects me and can see the best in me, instead of pointing out my flaws. Until tonight I thought he was really working hard: his communication is improving, he is engaged when we are together (weekend visits with our children) but he hasn't stepped up. It is like his children mean nothing to him, he doesn't want to spend time with them... If he doesn't stay with me (we live an hour away from each other right now) he just doesn't even think of taking his children to his house on the weekend, because due to the car he drives it costs too much to fill the tank up.

My fear is that I am putting in all of this effort: I have uprooted my life with my son in tow because his behavior and actions caused me to do so...if he isn't going to change, why am I trying so hard to make this work? I have just spent the last 3 weeks mourning the loss of a life I knew for almost two years and really working hard to make sure my son doesn't notice that his dad isn't around. I don't want to attempt to make this work, but only do more damage to my mental health in the process... I am trying not to think so far ahead but with all the time to myself when my son is asleep (i.e. now) it is really hard to tame the thoughts in my head.

I know this is a rather vague post, and please know I am not expecting anyone to respond to me, but I am truly hoping to be able to find people going through something very similar...maybe to not feel so isolated in this journey. I have an 18 month old son, who is the absolute light of my life and I really enjoy baking/cooking so I have been using this time to bake up a storm!

Thanks for reading <3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
726 Posts
It makes sense to me. And I think you already know the answer. As much as it sucks your marriage is over. Only you're feeling guilty for not doing more. But here's the thing, the more you do, the less likely he is to step up. If he wants your marriage to work then put it in his lap. He has to fix it, but in the meantime you move on with your life. Save your son from that drama. (And don't explain it. Just move on.)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,079 Posts
Unfortunately, there are many parents who are just not engaged with their children. They will tell you that they dearly love them, and maybe they really do, but that doesn’t include actually spending time with them. Do you have both children with you or just your bio child? I know this is tough but deal with it a day at a time (or even an hour at a time if a day seems too much). It’s a hard process but you’ll get through it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,359 Posts
He's not going to change. He isn't even interested in the kids and that alone tells you an awful lot about him.

You need to separate from him and stop trying to fix him. If he can't be trusted with your kid, go to court and ask for only supervised visits and maybe have the court send someone. Don't do it yourself or a close relative. They'll just leave him alone. Sounds like he won't care if he doesn't see them anyway.

Look you left him. Now get out of his life as much as possible. I can't believe you're still holding onto hope. He's just not going to change. He's just giving you lip service. Make a clean break and move on with your life, please....
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,359 Posts
Also, you need to really leave to set an example to your kids that his behavior is not any way to be or anything to choose in a mate. You are their role model. And you're also their protector, so you have an obligation to get them away from him at this point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Thank you for your reply. I am out and safe, I do plan on staying
It makes sense to me. And I think you already know the answer. As much as it sucks your marriage is over. Only you're feeling guilty for not doing more. But here's the thing, the more you do, the less likely he is to step up. If he wants your marriage to work then put it in his lap. He has to fix it, but in the meantime you move on with your life. Save your son from that drama. (And don't explain it. Just move on.)
thank you for this...I appreciate your response.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
I promise that normally I am a lot more of the happy go lucky type and positive...but this process has just done me in, absolutely every inch of my soul is tired.

I left my husband of 2 years (been together 7) at the end of last month, it has officially been one month as of tomorrow, he is dealing with a lot of mental health issues and I have done everything in my power to help him and encourage him to seek mental health counselling (which he is doing), the issue is the behaviour that he exhibits whether he is medicated (or not) and when he is therapy (or not) had been becoming increasingly dangerous, abusive and degrading towards me and had started to happen in front of our children (1 child of his from a previous marriage and one from our marriage).

I left with the children and our dog in tow and he had told me he had hit his rock bottom... and was going to work so hard on fixing everything... I believed him, until tonight.

All I want in my life is a partner who loves unconditionally, values and respects me and can see the best in me, instead of pointing out my flaws. Until tonight I thought he was really working hard: his communication is improving, he is engaged when we are together (weekend visits with our children) but he hasn't stepped up. It is like his children mean nothing to him, he doesn't want to spend time with them... If he doesn't stay with me (we live an hour away from each other right now) he just doesn't even think of taking his children to his house on the weekend, because due to the car he drives it costs too much to fill the tank up.

My fear is that I am putting in all of this effort: I have uprooted my life with my son in tow because his behavior and actions caused me to do so...if he isn't going to change, why am I trying so hard to make this work? I have just spent the last 3 weeks mourning the loss of a life I knew for almost two years and really working hard to make sure my son doesn't notice that his dad isn't around. I don't want to attempt to make this work, but only do more damage to my mental health in the process... I am trying not to think so far ahead but with all the time to myself when my son is asleep (i.e. now) it is really hard to tame the thoughts in my head.

I know this is a rather vague post, and please know I am not expecting anyone to respond to me, but I am truly hoping to be able to find people going through something very similar...maybe to not feel so isolated in this journey. I have an 18 month old son, who is the absolute light of my life and I really enjoy baking/cooking so I have been using this time to bake up a storm!

Thanks for reading <3

Hi,
Reading your story makes me feel like I was reading mine. I am currently separating from my husband of 10 years and we have 2 daughters, one just turned 9 and one just turned 19 months old today. Just like you, I have tried everything to save this marriage, to help him and to provide a happy family for my kids. But nothing worked. He has anger issue and lost it so many times, even in front of our kids....I stayed for the sake of my kids but this time, I’m done.
He always said how much he loves his daughters but when I asked him to spend more time with them, he came up with excuses...
Growing up without the father figure in my childhood, I have learned from my mom to be strong and independent but seeing my daughters going through the same thing, my heart is broken and I just dont know how to get through this or how to protect their little hearts from all of this...
I just wanna let you know that you are not alone... Though we’re both broken and this journey is tough, I believe we will find our way to get through this!!! I believe so! Be strong!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Hi,
Reading your story makes me feel like I was reading mine. I am currently separating from my husband of 10 years and we have 2 daughters, one just turned 9 and one just turned 19 months old today. Just like you, I have tried everything to save this marriage, to help him and to provide a happy family for my kids. But nothing worked. He has anger issue and lost it so many times, even in front of our kids....I stayed for the sake of my kids but this time, I’m done.
He always said how much he loves his daughters but when I asked him to spend more time with them, he came up with excuses...
Growing up without the father figure in my childhood, I have learned from my mom to be strong and independent but seeing my daughters going through the same thing, my heart is broken and I just dont know how to get through this or how to protect their little hearts from all of this...
I just wanna let you know that you are not alone... Though we’re both broken and this journey is tough, I believe we will find our way to get through this!!! I believe so! Be strong!
Sending love and strength to you. It does seem like we have such similar stories!!

I am sorry you are going through this, but I wholeheartedly believe we will get through this as stronger women <3. stay strong.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top