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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
** I'm 42 and she is 41- No health issues for us both.

Hi, I'm recently married in May of this year. i'm American Caucasian and my wife is Chinese Indonesian.

We met online and I traveled twice to Indonesia to spend time with her before we decided to bring her here to the USA.

During our admitted brief times together she made it clear that she wanted to wait for marriage to have sex and I was OK with that. However In hindsight I should have been hesitant from that point on.

Fast forward to her arrival and our marriage. Once she arrived and we finally said I DO, I gently began the conversations of sex and this is when I found out that I was duped in a way.

She basically does not like sex and has a take it or leave it mindset regarding it. Basically she is OK going through life without sex at all. She will have sex with me "however" only if i initiate it and if i don't then we just do nothing. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle but no sex of any kind.

To make matters worse and this part really irks me is that she feels that birth control is a mans responsibility and that she is to do nothing regarding that. When I brought up getting her on BC she immediately shot it down due to the potential for health reasons etc (Which I understand to a point). After a lengthy discussion I dropped the BC subject as I deemed it unwinnable and I didn't want to pursue it any further.

So this is what I'm left with, recently married, immediate sexless marriage and a wife who feels that sex is unnecessary.

I recently asked her what her ideal sex was and this is what she said "We kiss, do penetration and then kiss and then go to sleep" - That was her definition of what she wants!! LOL Its sounds like a mans description.

Note: Her thoughts on sex do stem from self esteem. Her ex husband told her she was bad in sex and she feels shes bad at sex etc. I realize as her husband that I should try my best to boost her up in this area but she feels that such efforts are pointless. Basically she has relegated herself to the fact that in her mind sex is irrelevant to her existence however she feels a marriage without sex can be sustained. This I fundamentally disagree with.

I'm looking for advice on whether or not this marriage is even worth staying in. I don't want to cheat on her but I also do not want to go forever without sex. That is my dilemma.
 

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I don't think the problem is that you didn't have sex before marriage, as many couples I know didn't (including me and my husband ) and we have a good sex life. I think the issue is that you didn't get to know her well enough before marriage, (only meeting her twice before marriage is madness) and clearly didn't properly discuss things like sex or get to know what makes her tick.Being that she had been married before she should have been honest about what happened in that marriage which must have hurt her a lot.
This is also one of the pitfalls of a long distance relationship when you can't get to know someone properly, and is one of the reasons that I wouldn't have one.

However, you say that you only have sex if you initiate, so initiate. Lots of husbands initiate far more than their wives.

I think you need to make it clear that sex is very important for a marriage, and that you aren't prepared to go without it. See if she is prepared to make that effort or get help to save the marriage.
 

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Wow, you must've been seriously desperate to get duped like that by a 41 year old. I mean seriously, what kind of 41-year-old who enjoys sex insists on waiting until marriage? my advice would be to dump as soon as possible this will never ever get better.


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We did, and many other couples do.
 

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She is a grown assed women. She is forty-one years old.

She knew better. She has duped you. Bait and switch.

You have been had.

You rolled the dice....got snake-eyes....and lost.

Sorry.

Consider an annulment or divorce...soon.
 

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You seriously got sold a bill of goods...if you have to ask the question you already know the answer....tell her to pound sand. But I promise you when push comes to shoving her out the door she will cave in but only for a while....Cut your losses...you can certainly clam that you were duped.

Please do not stay...every day you stay will make it that much harder to leave.
 

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I can't imagine ever being naive enough to bring any woman from the third world to the first world, who I had only met twice in person sans sex, following finding them online in order to be married to them.

Honestly @open351 none of this should surprise you.

That said having chosen this mess, you would still do well to end it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You seriously got sold a bill of goods...if you have to ask the question you already know the answer....tell her to pound sand. But I promise you when push comes to shoving her out the door she will cave in but only for a while....Cut your losses...you can certainly clam that you were duped.

Please do not stay...every day you stay will make it that much harder to leave.
I think I should have explained myself better. I do love her and she loves me. She never has said she wont have sex with me at any point, however her views on sex are nil given that she has had such bad experiences that its just taken a back seat in her life. In all other areas of our marriage we are happy however sex which is important is just a rather complicated subject for her. I know that at a point I may be forced to make a rather definitive decision on whether to stay or go however Id like to see if maybe some other form of resolution is possible or advice is available before I throw in the towel here.

Thanks :slap:
 

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I think I should have explained myself better. I do love her and she loves me. She never has said she wont have sex with me at any point, however her views on sex are nil given that she has had such bad experiences that its just taken a back seat in her life. In all other areas of our marriage we are happy however sex which is important is just a rather complicated subject for her. I know that at a point I may be forced to make a rather definitive decision on whether to stay or go however Id like to see if maybe some other form of resolution is possible or advice is available before I throw in the towel here.

Thanks :slap:
I think your in denial, but it is after all your life....keep hope alive
 

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Even if you're not having sex before marriage, talking about what she liked and didn't like and birth control and expectations before marriage is still needed.

Sounds like she's drawn her line in the sand. You can either accept it or leave.
You could ask her what can be done to make it better for both of you (cause that's not fun for her either) but I'm guessing she won't be too receptive.

I would suggest making sure conversations included making things better for both and not just you getting better sex (better received that way) but she's very clear about things and doesn't sound open to finding out how to enjoy sex. If she doesn't care, she's not going to change.
 

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Send her back. Seriouslly, you made a poor decision to marry someone you didn't know and got scammed.

You need to man up. Tell her you will do this and I'll do this, every night for the next 20 years, or go back to your crappy country. If she doesn't do it, you immediately detach, start dating other women and get the process rolling for a divorce. Don't wimp out. You're way too young to not be getting laid almost every night.
 

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I hate to say it, OP, but it sounds like your wife took advantage of your kind nature. She knew that no man--especially not a western man--would marry her if she said she had no interest in sex, but would essentially do it out of obligation.

You say that you love her, but how can you love someone who hid her true nature from you? If you knew this out of the gate, would you have continued to consider her seriously as a potential partner? This would be a deal breaker for most people.

It is unlikely that she will ever change in this respect. She will have sex with you out of obligation, but I don't think that she will ever be enthusiastic or enjoy it. And I think that will eventually wear you down and make you miserable, even if you do love her.

Just because you love her doesn't mean that she is a good partner for you. And she has shown that she is not a good partner for you.

Sadly, I think the best option for you is an anullment. She misrepresented herself to you, and the marriage hasn't been consumated, so you should be able to get an annulment easily. I know it's not what you want, but ending this now is better than a lifetime of unfulfilled needs and resentment towards your wife.

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She is a grown assed women. She is forty-one years old.

She knew better. She has duped you. Bait and switch.

You have been had.

You rolled the dice....got snake-eyes....and lost.

Sorry.

Consider an annulment or divorce...soon.
if you have had sex you cant have an annulment.
 

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I've heard your description of your sex life. Not impressed.


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You know nothing about our sex life. Its great, varied and regular (twice in the last 3 days for example), and for a couple aged 60 and 61 that's pretty good. We both love having sex with each other. :smile2:
 

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I hate to say it, OP, but it sounds like your wife took advantage of your kind nature. She knew that no man--especially not a western man--would marry her if she said she had no interest in sex, but would essentially do it out of obligation.

You say that you love her, but how can you love someone who hid her true nature from you? If you knew this out of the gate, would you have continued to consider her seriously as a potential partner? This would be a deal breaker for most people.

It is unlikely that she will ever change in this respect. She will have sex with you out of obligation, but I don't think that she will ever be enthusiastic or enjoy it. And I think that will eventually wear you down and make you miserable, even if you do love her.

Just because you love her doesn't mean that she is a good partner for you. And she has shown that she is not a good partner for you.

Sadly, I think the best option for you is an anullment. She misrepresented herself to you, and the marriage hasn't been consumated, so you should be able to get an annulment easily. I know it's not what you want, but ending this now is better than a lifetime of unfulfilled needs and resentment towards your wife.

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He said 'She will have sex with me "however" only if i initiate it and if i don't then we just do nothing.


He said that it doesn't happen unless he initiates.Therefore it does happen if he does.
 

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This is a question for the op and please don't get offended.
Are you good at sex?
You seem to have gone a long time without it so maybe you are out of practice.
What I would do in your situation is make it my business to make sure my wife had the greatest sex I am capable of providing every night for at least a couple of months and if she hasn't shown any improvement start separating.
 

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Id like to see if maybe some other form of resolution is possible or advice is available before I throw in the towel here.
A solution is highly unlikely. This and similar sites are full of threads about sexless marriages with no solutions, although they usually start out having some good sex before it dies. You have nothing to build on, nothing to return to, and no idea of a possible baseline in terms of quality or quantity. I strongly urge you to end this quickly, and learn from the experience for when you are ready to pursue a new relationship.
 
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