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This came up in another thread, so thought I would start a new one.


My wife was toxically jealous when we first married. If I was too late coming home, she would be in tears, accusing me of having an affair with my secretary. She assumed I was cheating - meaning cheating was a part of her personna. She was projecting. I didn't realize this at the time. If I spoke to my sisters on the phone - she would be jealous because she left HER family (she is from Singapore). When we got together with my friends (I would include her along with my friend's girlfriends/wives) she would be jealous because my friends and I knew each other longer than she and I knew each other. Etc, Etc.

Somehow, we stayed married - things got better and we had two kids (our first after 10 years of marriage). In our 21st year of marriage my wife began a secret EA which eventually became a PA in summer 2009 (a younger man, who she met golfing). I discovered this relationship in 2010 (after the PA was over) but my wife allowed me to believe it was just an EA.

When I remind my wife of her previous toxic jealousy - she dismisses it by saying she was "young, insecure and naive".

The insecurity is the key, IMO. The insecurity drives the jealousy. This same insecurity drives the need for validation which leads to cheating. Before kids, we devoted our free time with each other. Post kids, we had to share our time with our children. My wife must have felt abandoned (for lack of a better word). I believe that her insecurity and need for constant attention, MLC, as well as her horrible childhood (abusive and dysfunctional family) and toxic friends - caused her to look outside the marriage for validation. Anything which made her feel good about herself.

As for her jealousy - after the EA, she gave me the "I love you But I am not in love with you" speech. She even said she would not mind if I met somebody and had a fling. Curiously, when I DID go out (with friends or on a business trip) she would always text me to see what I was up to.
 

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He was jealous because he didn't pursue a college education, came from a broken, disadvantaged family and made purely bad decisions all his life (including marrying me). I was a successful in earning a few degrees and came from a decent family. She was jealous because she couldn't find a man who wasn't married-with-children, to pay her superiorily-young-beautiful-self enough attention. They are both narccisists. I told him that the only person he has ever loved in his whole life is...no one. I guess they both found that out together. I was jealous because I saw him flirting all the time, going out with him after marriage, was like going to a funeral.
 

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I think they are jealous because of what they know they would do. I think they are jealous because they are cheaters, not cheaters because they are jealous.
I agree. I've said it before that I think we tend to see people with the same lenses that we use to see ourselves a lot of the time. If you're trustworthy, loyal, faithful, moral etc., you probably give others the benefit of the doubt, trust others and see the good in most people. Similarly, if you're willing to back-stab others to get ahead, you may see the world as dog-eat-dog and survival of the fittest and think others do too. Likewise, if you're prone to cheating, have cheated or are tempted to cheat, then you'd probably be more suspicious of your partner and think they'll cheat on you too.

My ex frequently accused me of cheating on him. It never happened. I was too naive at the time to suspect that this could mean that he was or had cheated on me. In fact, being so naive, I stupidly thought that because he is so adamant against it happening to him, there's no way he wouldn't put me through that. It almost makes me want to bang my head against the wall when to think of how silly my thinking was lol. In reality he was accusing me of doing the things he knew he was capable of.
 
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Jealously and cheaters go hand in hand, both are traits of very selfish, insecure people. Ask any cheater if they would have been ok with their spouse doing the same things they did and I am sure their reaction would be negative. To me the under lying reason is control, jealous people want to control their spouse and their marriage by imposing their will(restricting the movements of the spouse), cheaters want to control their marriage doing exactly what they want, how they want, concealing their actions while imposing their will to get what they want(a spouse who is home and another relationship).
It makes me wonder just how many jealous spouses do cheat (I am guessing the number is quite high 70% or higher), I know my wife was a terror that way(scearching-wallet,brief case,phone/bank records etc, computer) I can't tell you how many times I was accused of cheating, that was a reason she gave for this latest round of her infidelity yep she thought I was cheating problem was there was zero evidence because there was nothing with anyone but that "pushed" her to it. What can you do but shake your head chuckle to yourself(usually a few choice curses come out) and try to smile through it.
 

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Cedar, your hypothesis fits my situation to a tee.

Hindsight is 20/20.
 

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I was a possessive person and jealous by the definition set here.But cheater and me NO!

The STBX left me.

My behaviour resulted from my insecurities and fear-And my fear and insecurity rose from a low self-esteem which I later realized.

And yes the seeds of insecurity has been sown when the STBXH in my case lied to me repeatedly,came in my life while not really being in love with me,was all eyes to every female alive and vehemently denied this at my face,left me twice citing me to be the reaon nehind the problems ,I was never good enough;I wanted to be with him and became so insecure as to act so possessive(where as in reality all I should have done is to leave him);Today life is different.

So yes people who are insecure become jealous but not all insecure people are bad or cheats.I am not.
 
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