[Lotsaquestions]

so I am just going to type and see what comes out. I just started reading the forums and have been looking for some way to fix the depression and anxiety that is tearing up in me and my marriage. Not even sure where to start. I guess with current events...

Recently my wife said she would like to separate, but we cannot financially handle such a separation since we have been living hand to mouth. We decided that we would stay together but there are many problems in our marriage that need to be fixed. Namely it has to due with anger issues between both of us.

Life has thrown many obstacles on me in the past few years and I have not dealt with them emotionally. I personally am not sure how to approach them especially when they are quite numerous. Here are the situations on the table for me to handle:
Loss of my mother to cancer, my brother was in a motorcycle accident and passed away after 2 years, job loss (which resulted in me losing the financing for my masters degree), additional job losses (supplemental income), and depleted all my life savings in recovery of the job loss. That is it in a nutshell. The job loss converted me into a stay at home dad. When I lost my job we had a 10 week old and needed to cancel our the day care we setup.

I cannot say which has been the most dramatic change but all have really taxed me in many layers and immensely burdened the relationship with my wife. She knows that all of it was not my fault but I have become very pessimistic, angry, and detached. I am not the same person she married.

Not sure what to ask for in replies but reading about depression, writing about my problems is supposed to be helpful. Just as my thread started...I don't even know where to start are where I am going. All I know is that I need to keep my wife and my kid.

 

[PAC]

Have you seen a doctor about these things? Are you on any medication?

 

[Lotsaquestions]

No, that may be part of the problem. This has been the first step by just posting a thread.

 

[muchoconfuso]

I'm also wondering if you've considered seeing a doctor or even a counselor about the depression. You have had so much thrown at you on top of being a new dad. Maybe a counselor could provide an objective point of view, and some clarity.
I'm sorry to hear about all of your troubles.
I'm having troubles too. And writing about them on this forum has really helped me gain a bit of clarity too.
I wish you the best!

 

[KathyBatesel]

Wow, Lotsa, you are dealing with a lot!

Even though it doesn't feel like it, what you're going through really is temporary. The strong, capable guy that was on an upward path is still the same guy who is facing these challenges. Right now, you are letting those challenges beat you, but you do not have to let that happen if you keep things in perspective and look for reasons to celebrate the things that *are* going for you.

1. You have a beautiful family that loves you. No matter what your financial situation may be, that's more important than ANYTHING in the world.

2. Your current situation does not mean you have failed. It means you've been put in the same boat as many other people due to the economic turn down. These were factors you were not able to control. If you had been able to, they wouldn't have happened. Now, you have a learning opportunity. You will learn from the experience and find a way to emerge as a stronger, better provider for your family if you don't let yourself sit on a pity pot of "woe is me."

3. It is healthy to grieve for your mom and your brother. However, you cannot let yourself get "stuck" by lumping it in with your job situation. They're not related. You didn't have control over this stuff either. You don't have the power to bring them back, but you can take positive steps to make their deaths meaningful. Maybe you could get involved with motorcycle safety campaigns or volunteer for a cancer non-profit while you look for a new career.

I believe you can find meaningful ways to make a difference even if you're a SAHD. You can write about those topics in a blog. You can volunteer for a couple hours a week while your wife isn't working and can care for your child. You can participate in Relay for Life once a year. When you feel like YOU are making a difference, you'll get back to the confident guy your wife fell for.

 

[PAC]

No, that may be part of the problem. This has been the first step by just posting a thread.

Well then I would suggest you see one. There's nothing wrong with going to see one. It sounds like you have had a really rough time of it lately - enough to cause clinical depression.

The thing that really sucks about it is that when something like this happens it can make your body start the chemical imbalance that causes depression. If something doesn't pick up, it just keeps feeding off of itself and gets worse and worse. Imo, you shouldn't leave that to chance. Go to a doctor and try to work it out. You would be really surprised how much those pills positively affect your perception of life, and therefore your reality.

As far as the job things go, you would be really surprised how much a positive outlook can help. Your interviewers will pick up on your motivation and positivity. I've found that if I'm showing my happiness and motivation I get much better responses and are much more likely to be offered a job.

It is good that you are admitting that there is a problem. It would be bad to lie down and take it. Do what we men are meant to do and go fix it. If you want to keep your wife and child you need to show them that you're fighting for it. It will be hard, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.

 

[Lotsaquestions]

Thanks for the all the insights, and very quick replies. It does help. I started my own business after the job loss since working for someone was not a positive outlook. It has been rocky but worth and an balances out being an SAHD.

 

[PAC]

Thanks for the all the insights, and very quick replies. It does help. I started my own business after the job loss since working for someone was not a positive outlook. It has been rocky but worth and an balances out being an SAHD.

It is very good that you have your own business and are doing something. However, don't take that as a reason you shouldn't see a doctor.

Working yourself out of this rut could also be very beneficial for your business. Business contacts will almost subconsciously pick up on your positive or negative body language. Yes, much of business is analyzing cost / benefits. You could really be surprised, though, how much a friendly and happy personality can open doors for you.

 

[Lotsaquestions]

I guess the other side of my problems is understanding the perspective of my wife. She is really angry and understands that none of the situation is my fault. So why is the anger directed at me?