Hi all
I am really struggling today.
I was in R with my H, after finding out he had a ONS. He appeared to be doing all the right things, appeared to be saying all the right things, but I felt there could be more skeletons so I asked him to do a poly and he quickly admitted he had 2 further ONS. I had an idea he had been unfaithful at a works conference, and I was right. he'd spent a whole year in false R with me, trying to convince me I had the whole truth.
This has been a huge set back for me. One ONS could be considered a very big mistake, but something you can learn from, and even accept in a long term marriage. But now I know he has done this 3 separate times over a period of about 6 or 7 years.
We are trying to R again, hopefully this time with the truth, but not sure how I'm meant to know I have the truth as he has proven himself to be such an ACE at lying. My gut is I have the truth now. But I wont ever know that for sure.
What I am struggling with as the days go by.....3 times, he did this to me and his children 3 times! I have always been of the opinion that if my H cheated that would be it, no second chances...But then when it happens you stop and realise this is life to some extent...and everyone can make a mistake. Even a really big one, they can learn from it and hopefully move on vowing never to betray again. If a spouse cheats once and you give them a warning, no second chances and they cheat again, then you file for Divorce. But what do you do when you find out they have already cheated on you 3 times?
This man I thought was my perfect husband and a perfect father. He is not that man, now he is a different man.
I do love him, and I believe he loves me. I do want my marriage to survive but as the days go by I keep asking myself what will our future be with me having this knowledge about him. He isn't the man i thought he was in any way, that man would never have betrayed me 3 times.
Not sure if R is the right thing even if we do love each other. Others must file for D still loving their WS.
I don't believe he had any remorse at the times he cheated, or guilt. When i questioned him after his last cheat he was very calm and calculated......I guess that says a lot!
He does seem genuinely remorseful now, but only because he has seen the pain he has caused me. If i'd never found out he more than likely wouldn't have stopped at 3 ONS, and I have come to the conclusion that after each of these ONS he would have gone back for more if the opportunity had been there.
He has been to IC via MC, is being transparent as far as i can see, I have passwords to FB and email access if i want it. He is doing everything he can do now....but it doesn't seem to be enough.
Another thing, he smoked weed for all of our marriage, and threw it in the bin on first DD. He seems like a different man since he stopped smoking it. He also seems to hold it responsible in some ways for his actions. Not acute actions but more his general lifestyle for a lot of years of our marriage.
I am wondering if it is all too late for us to be saved.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
(sorry this was long)
I am really struggling today.
I was in R with my H, after finding out he had a ONS. He appeared to be doing all the right things, appeared to be saying all the right things, but I felt there could be more skeletons so I asked him to do a poly and he quickly admitted he had 2 further ONS. I had an idea he had been unfaithful at a works conference, and I was right. he'd spent a whole year in false R with me, trying to convince me I had the whole truth.
This has been a huge set back for me. One ONS could be considered a very big mistake, but something you can learn from, and even accept in a long term marriage. But now I know he has done this 3 separate times over a period of about 6 or 7 years.
We are trying to R again, hopefully this time with the truth, but not sure how I'm meant to know I have the truth as he has proven himself to be such an ACE at lying. My gut is I have the truth now. But I wont ever know that for sure.
What I am struggling with as the days go by.....3 times, he did this to me and his children 3 times! I have always been of the opinion that if my H cheated that would be it, no second chances...But then when it happens you stop and realise this is life to some extent...and everyone can make a mistake. Even a really big one, they can learn from it and hopefully move on vowing never to betray again. If a spouse cheats once and you give them a warning, no second chances and they cheat again, then you file for Divorce. But what do you do when you find out they have already cheated on you 3 times?
This man I thought was my perfect husband and a perfect father. He is not that man, now he is a different man.
I do love him, and I believe he loves me. I do want my marriage to survive but as the days go by I keep asking myself what will our future be with me having this knowledge about him. He isn't the man i thought he was in any way, that man would never have betrayed me 3 times.
Not sure if R is the right thing even if we do love each other. Others must file for D still loving their WS.
I don't believe he had any remorse at the times he cheated, or guilt. When i questioned him after his last cheat he was very calm and calculated......I guess that says a lot!
He does seem genuinely remorseful now, but only because he has seen the pain he has caused me. If i'd never found out he more than likely wouldn't have stopped at 3 ONS, and I have come to the conclusion that after each of these ONS he would have gone back for more if the opportunity had been there.
He has been to IC via MC, is being transparent as far as i can see, I have passwords to FB and email access if i want it. He is doing everything he can do now....but it doesn't seem to be enough.
Another thing, he smoked weed for all of our marriage, and threw it in the bin on first DD. He seems like a different man since he stopped smoking it. He also seems to hold it responsible in some ways for his actions. Not acute actions but more his general lifestyle for a lot of years of our marriage.
I am wondering if it is all too late for us to be saved.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
(sorry this was long)