[jld]

I want to mention one thing that came out of session. She said she is no longer scared if it doesnt work out. I was shocked. How cold and indifferent she has become. It actually explains a lot, because if her mindset is that I am the problem and she doesnt have to change and there is a better life for her out there, then that explains why her behavior has been so completely effortless and "checked out". I was just floored when she said that. I mean this really is a totally delusion human being who has become so jaded by this hollywood BS that she doenst even understand what it means to treat people right anymore.

I feel sad, for me, this situation, and even for her. I feel sad that a once amazing girl was ruined by a bipolar sociopath (her business partner). That kind and sweet and humble girl became a ruthless, unyielding, hyper-sensitive monster in a single year. WTF. I wish I could change it all, but I am starting to realize I can only change me. Wish it was different.

I bring this up though, because a couple of you said to "put her on notice". Im not against this, but I can tell you with 100% conviction that she doesn't CARE anymore. She doesnt care enough about me or enough to try and save what we have, and if I said "either make some changes or I'm out", she would pick up the phone and call one of her fancy high powered lawyers. Guess that makes you think, then doesnt it....then why even fight for her? The only thing keeping me in it right now is our baby. I want so bad to be a family for baby, and I will admit that after all the years of abuse, I became unlovable as well, and maybe that is a big factor in wife not wanting to "fight" to make it work.

So I am trying to work on me for now. That's it. Really rough week though.

Have you thought about taking some time and rereading the thread, start to finish? Things might look different in light of your new vulnerability in the marriage.

 

[Blossom Leigh]

I want to mention one thing that came out of session. She said she is no longer scared if it doesnt work out. I was shocked. How cold and indifferent she has become. It actually explains a lot, because if her mindset is that I am the problem and she doesnt have to change and there is a better life for her out there, then that explains why her behavior has been so completely effortless and "checked out". I was just floored when she said that. I mean this really is a totally delusion human being who has become so jaded by this hollywood BS that she doenst even understand what it means to treat people right anymore.

I feel sad, for me, this situation, and even for her. I feel sad that a once amazing girl was ruined by a bipolar sociopath (her business partner). That kind and sweet and humble girl became a ruthless, unyielding, hyper-sensitive monster in a single year. WTF. I wish I could change it all, but I am starting to realize I can only change me. Wish it was different.

I bring this up though, because a couple of you said to "put her on notice". Im not against this, but I can tell you with 100% conviction that she doesn't CARE anymore. She doesnt care enough about me or enough to try and save what we have, and if I said "either make some changes or I'm out", she would pick up the phone and call one of her fancy high powered lawyers. Guess that makes you think, then doesnt it....then why even fight for her? The only thing keeping me in it right now is our baby. I want so bad to be a family for baby, and I will admit that after all the years of abuse, I became unlovable as well, and maybe that is a big factor in wife not wanting to "fight" to make it work.

So I am trying to work on me for now. That's it. Really rough week though.

Really pour yourself into time with your child and good buddies that can help you start healing now. I would stop all MC and just prepare to eventually leave when you are ready. Then just serve her with papers and be done with it.

 

[RideofmyLife]

Cinna,

I've been following your thread since the beginning.

You say you want a family for your baby (how old is she now?). Stop a minute and think about what you want that family to look like. Parents pass on a lot of information to their children on how to be a proper family by sometimes never saying a word. They show by example.

For me, family is joking around the breakfast table and teasing each other about their messy syrup face.

Family is my daughter smiling a delighted smile when she sees her dad and I smooching in the kitchen.

Family is talking about my day with my husband and him telling me about his day.

Family is my husband pitching in when I've been sick and he can see I need help with household chores. And the kids pitching in, as well.

Family is sitting and planning out our vacations and futures together. Where we want to go, the fun we'll have going, the time we get to spend with each other. Listening to each others input because we're in it together.

Family is about being able to go to my husband and tell him I'm having a hard day and him hugging me and telling me it's all going to be okay.

Cinna,

I just want you to take a minute and think about what your family "picture" will be like. What will it look like to your daughter as she grows? Will she learn good coping skills because she's watched you and your wife work together to resolve issues over the years?

Will she learn how to love deeply and unconditionally because you and her mom have set a good example for her?

Will she know she can communicate candidly to you and not have her issues dismissed because she see's that mom and dad don't dismiss each others issues? And, will she learn the art of a good conversation because mom and dad converse so well with each other? Or won't she? Because they don't talk anymore since mom stopped talking "through" her to her dad?

Will she learn how to compromise in future relationships? Or will she always either give in and never speak up for her needs (like dad) or mow her partner under (like her mom).

Will she cry herself to sleep wishing her parents were like her friend Sally Sunshines parents down the road who are obviously so happy together?

Sometimes the big picture can take a while to come into focus. I'm glad you're trying to heal yourself, but I think your motivation for change needs to now lie in your daughter. You need to do the best thing you can for her, and right now you think that's staying. But is it? Her future is not set. She's a lump or clay waiting on mom and dad to help shape her into the beautiful creation she can become.

Think about the family picture you want to present your daughter. Please do that. Think of it as a gift to her, and then take a hard look at what you and her mother can provide by staying together.

 

[cinnabomb]

Cinna,

I've been following your thread since the beginning.

You say you want a family for your baby (how old is she now?). Stop a minute and think about what you want that family to look like. Parents pass on a lot of information to their children on how to be a proper family by sometimes never saying a word. They show by example.

For me, family is joking around the breakfast table and teasing each other about their messy syrup face.

Family is my daughter smiling a delighted smile when she sees her dad and I smooching in the kitchen.

Family is talking about my day with my husband and him telling me about his day.

Family is my husband pitching in when I've been sick and he can see I need help with household chores. And the kids pitching in, as well.

Family is sitting and planning out our vacations and futures together. Where we want to go, the fun we'll have going, the time we get to spend with each other. Listening to each others input because we're in it together.

Family is about being able to go to my husband and tell him I'm having a hard day and him hugging me and telling me it's all going to be okay.

Cinna,

I just want you to take a minute and think about what your family "picture" will be like. What will it look like to your daughter as she grows? Will she learn good coping skills because she's watched you and your wife work together to resolve issues over the years?

Will she learn how to love deeply and unconditionally because you and her mom have set a good example for her?

Will she know she can communicate candidly to you and not have her issues dismissed because she see's that mom and dad don't dismiss each others issues? And, will she learn the art of a good conversation because mom and dad converse so well with each other? Or won't she? Because they don't talk anymore since mom stopped talking "through" her to her dad?

Will she learn how to compromise in future relationships? Or will she always either give in and never speak up for her needs (like dad) or mow her partner under (like her mom).

Will she cry herself to sleep wishing her parents were like her friend Sally Sunshines parents down the road who are obviously so happy together?

Sometimes the big picture can take a while to come into focus. I'm glad you're trying to heal yourself, but I think your motivation for change needs to now lie in your daughter. You need to do the best thing you can for her, and right now you think that's staying. But is it? Her future is not set. She's a lump or clay waiting on mom and dad to help shape her into the beautiful creation she can become.

Think about the family picture you want to present your daughter. Please do that. Think of it as a gift to her, and then take a hard look at what you and her mother can provide by staying together.

wow, that was insightful. sort of brought a tear to my eye too, thinking about my sweet baby (2), growing up in a broken household. But you're right about a lot. The truth is, when we play with baby, it's nice as a family. we will sing songs, dance, cuddle, etc. But there is NO interaction between wife and I. And there is NO collaboration on anything. I long for that. We used to have that. If I say anything which bothers wife (which is nearly anything that is a different opinion that hers or anything I ask of her, etc), she gets very upset and begins to take in this VERY harsh, abrasive tone, raising her voice and going into full on attack mode. It's so unhealthy and borderline insane and I dont want it around me OR baby.

Those things you wrote....I want all that. It's what I always dreamed I would have, and we were damn close to having it for awhile (long before baby of course). I dreamed of cooking together where the whole family helps out (not just me cooking by myself while wife is on her laptop and not helping in any way). I dream of having a family dinner where we all sit down together and eat something and talk. No joke in the last 5 years, I think my wife and I have maybe sat down and had 10 dinner together in the house, and after baby was born, maybe 2. She often will just eat late lunch so then wont eat whatever I made for all of us, or is on her laptop or whatever ad we cant make it a "family tradition" to sit and have a nice dinner together. Or watch a movie together or travel the world together or go camping or hiking or swimming. But all of those are nightmarish with wife. She refuses to do anything that isnt "luxurious", and even then ignores me and is aggressive and unloving and not fun. All she wants to do is play with baby, eat unhealthy crap, and nap. I want to see the world and LIVE and experience everything life has to offer.

But how will baby be well adjusted without a father in the house, keeping the balance? Wife tends to completely spoil and overprotect baby, and I want baby to learn and grow. How will this work? Does anyone have any idea how custody works also?

thanks, all.

 

[turnera]

But how will baby be well adjusted without a father in the house, keeping the balance? Wife tends to completely spoil and overprotect baby, and I want baby to learn and grow. How will this work? Does anyone have any idea how custody works also?

thanks, all.

You're the baby's caretaker, aren't you? If so, you'll be the one likely awarded custody and she'll be paying you custody.

And even if you got only 50/50 custody, your child will STILL have a father in the house; during your time. What really matters is HOW you are when you're with your child. All they want and need is to know you love them and want them. And to not have dysfunction in the household.

 

[bandit.45]

I wish Jerry123 would chime in.

 

[cinnabomb]

You're the baby's caretaker, aren't you? If so, you'll be the one likely awarded custody and she'll be paying you custody.

And even if you got only 50/50 custody, your child will STILL have a father in the house; during your time. What really matters is HOW you are when you're with your child. All they want and need is to know you love them and want them. And to not have dysfunction in the household.

no, wife is the primary caretaker

 

[jld]

no, wife is the primary caretaker

How that? Doesn't she work full-time?

 

[Nucking Futs]

How that? Doesn't she work full-time?

You guys need to read a little more carefully. When she goes to work she drops the baby off at day care. He's said repeatedly that she takes care of the baby when she's home.

 

[cinnabomb]

Feel like Im falling apart today. Thinking about what she said about not afraid to lose me and its hurting more than I expected. Im really hurting and struggling with losing her. I dont know what to do right now in this moment and need someone to talk to.

 

[farsidejunky]

Cinna, this is going to be tough for you. Your codependency level is high. I know that doesn't help you right now, but it is the largest thing you must address.

What will help now reminding yourself than no mater what happens, no matter the outcome, it may hurt, but you will be okay.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

 

[cinnabomb]

Cinna, this is going to be tough for you. Your codependency level is high. I know that doesn't help you right now, but it is the largest thing you must address.

What will help now reminding yourself than no mater what happens, no matter the outcome, it may hurt, but you will be okay.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

thank you. it just hurts, feeling like we are inching ccloser towards seperation. it feels all too real and i feel sick about it.

 

[Blossom Leigh]

Its ok to hurt. I've been in those shoes before, twice. The hardest one was my Mom. I will never forget the day I lost all hope that she would treat me different. I had held onto that hope for a very long time. Its one of the hardest times I've ever had. So, I get it cinna, it was brutal on me too. Just know you aren't alone in this experience.

 

[turnera]

Do you work? I thought that you stayed at home.

 

[MEM2020]

For 75 pages you have said wife is sole breadwinner and you are stay at home dad.

Now - you post the opposite and ignore questions about it.

I am now requesting in my capacity as a mod that you clarify this point.

no, wife is the primary caretaker

 

[Nucking Futs]

For 75 pages you have said wife is sole breadwinner and you are stay at home dad.

Now - you post the opposite and ignore questions about it.

I am now requesting in my capacity as a mod that you clarify this point.

Are you in the right thread? This is his first post in this thread:

i have other posts in the "considering seperation" forum, but i noticed I was getting really biased responses there, all saying "leave her", "divorce her", etc. so i thought id try here and see what you think.

i dont want to make this too long, but bottom line in my wife became rich and powerful in a very cuttthroat and insane hollywood industry. she has a whole staff of people that work for her and she is the final say on everything. no one checks her in any way. she began bringing this aggressive and dominant attitude home about 5 years ago.

its been a brutal ride. im a good and honest and hard working husband that devoted my life to her and giving her everything. we had some wonderful years together. but she changed...drastically. she can no longer handle ANYTHING deemed as "criticism" and i dont mean something like "you look fat", as i would never say that....i mean something like "i feel neglected lately". she loses her temper and yells if you say ANYTHING to her that she doesnt like. she has also started eating poorly, doesnt exercise, and I cant say anything because then she loses it.

we are seeing a therapist who keeps focusing on our history and parents, etc, and although i think there is value in this, she is never asking the basic question to my wife, which is "do you even love him and care about him." i should mention that i do EVERYTHING for us, work full time, handle finances, bills, house stuff, cleaning, and even cooking dinners. she does not give ONE thing to our relationship. NOT ONE thing to me. she ignores me most days, only talking when she needs something or feels like it, and plays with our baby or puts on her headphones and watches netflix (when she isnt working). she is a good and loving mother, which is wierd, as she has so much compassion for our son, but none for me.

i dont get it. im tired of giving and giving and getting nothing in return. i want to make this work and am trying but she isnt reciprocating. ive told the therapist this but she still focuses on broader and deeper things, rather than saying "hey, what you did when you ignored your husband 10x in one day...that was rude. you have to try to acknowledge him more." I dunno.

i miss her terribly. i pull up old photos of how humble and sweet and kind and loving and respectful she was and i cry. i cry daily. id give every dollar i have to get back to how she was and how we were. she was so sweet and this awful industry changed her. made her crave power and money and fame and all the fake hollywood BS. she no longer seems to understand that she too must GIVE something to a relationship.

any advice??

This is his second post in this thread:

im sorry but you are off by a lot. first off i dont care about money. she can take it all i dont give a ****. ive made 6 figures for 15 years and still dont care about it. i live extremely frugaly and would take love and happiness over material things. secondly iv given nothing but unconditional love since we met 10+ years ago. we waited to marry because we met in school. im trying to get advice to make it work not simply walk away from the woman of my dreams and my beautiful baby and all our decade+ long memories. i miss her terrible. so much my heart physically aches. i see her in my visions, in my dreams, smiling, dancing, laughing, and looking at me with pure love and saying "will you always love me like this?" i miss her terribly. the woman i see today is a different human and it breaks my heart. i still believe she is in there somewhere. i know it. but something drastic has to change. can i give an ultimatum to leave her business and partner? he is the devil and he turned her into this person. i hate him.

 

[MEM2020]

Confused.

Yes.

Turns out she does nothing for the relationship other than work as the primary breadwinner and is the PRIMARY caretaker to the baby.

I'll leave you to sorting out the cryptography here. It's clearly beyond me.

And it is true that I skipped/skimmed a big chunk in the middle of the thread as it seemed - to be the exact same thing repeated in different words.

Funny how several other folks had the exact same misinterpretation.

Are you in the right thread? This is his first post in this thread:



This is his second post in this thread:

 

[jld]

Cinna, do you have a son or a daughter?

 

[Chaparral]

I HIGHLY doubt she is cheating, she doesnt even have any desire for sex and she has intimacy issues, according to her therapist. But that doesnt even matter. the issues at hand are what matter. I'm getting closer and stronger every day. It's hard but I am and I have come a LONG way from what I was 6 months ago...no more of that clingy crap, following her around, planning date nights, etc. Havent had a single date night in 3 months.

Don't you see how illogical you are.
She doesn't want sex ........with you!

You have been advised over and over to rule infidelity out by investigating .

There are thousands of threads here just like yours and in over ninety percent of them adultery was involved.

Your simply the worst denier i have seen. Great housekeeper though.

 

[Chaparral]

Did you ever read the mmslp book and HOLD ON TO YOUR N.U.T.S.?