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Discussion Starter #42
Oh, I'm angry, for sure...but for me, being angry is SILENCE and avoiding him...for months now.

That happened quite awhile ago, maybe a year, and it was before I gave up, so it DID hurt, ALOT...especially because I'm pretty shy (but I always try to please), and I am more comfortable being sexually submissive. Putting myself out there like that was scary, but I thought I was pleasing him, and to be slapped in the face like that (metaphorically) was terribly humiliating for me!

But you don't have to feel sorry for me - I don't!! It was a great learning experience for me (that he can't be trusted), and I would always rather know the truth of how he (or anyone) feels - even if it hurts!

What he's done with our sex life is ALL on HIM...HE has ruined it. Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do about it...I'm not there yet...but I WILL get there.
"But you don't have to feel sorry for me - I don't!!"
Good for YOU!
 

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Discussion Starter #43
That's exactly right!!! For ME, it's the attitude behind the refusal that tells the real story and matters the most!
I am like you - I'm completely accommodating and never said No to ANYTHING he wanted or needed to feel sexually excited with me. But in the end, that made NO difference with MY husband...I am happy for you that your husband is different, so you could have better results than me!!
Well, here is to hoping!! We are miles from where we need to be, and sometimes I just don't think he cares enough about it all to fight. In the end, it all is the same if they won't fight.
 

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Discussion Starter #45
I'd also like to say regarding confidence and child bearing bodies.

Remember you are the only body your husband gets to see naked (unless he watches porn) and touch naked and experience. So even if you are shy about it let him see.

Another note while the oil may be an alluring smell from a distance up close and personal like oral it maybe way too strong. It can be hard to tell someone you love that their vajayjay stinks. My hubby has a shave oil that I love the smell of that he uses in his beard. But sometimes when I kiss him and get real close it is over powering.
Good thoughts. One thing my husband is , is honest. He would say if it was too strong. But it is a great thought.

I know I need to get over myself. I have also struggled with deep confidence/image issues my entire life. Deep! I am much better after years of self reflection, reading, praying!! lol But I am not where I want to be, by far!
I do need to remember what you said, he really doesn't have anything to compare my body to. I obviously knew that, but hadn't really considered it. That actually gives me a lot of peace! Thank you for that.
 

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Well then as I said for better or worse yours if the only body he gets to see and touch. I used to be very much against it too. I am over weight and self conscious. But at some point it dawned on me that I was denying my husband something he doesn't get anywhere else (he doesn't do porn either).

We installed a dimmable remote switch for our bedroom light. So when it's sexy time we can have the equivalent of candle light. But I've also gotten much bolder as well.
 

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I thought about this.
the last two blood work ups I‘be had, I was told everything is normal, but when I got a copy I thought my b12 was too low. I added a good supplement and noticed the difference.
I thought about getting his last blood work up, but it’s been so long already. He just needs some new done.
You might consider posting the results here (removing any patient-identifying data first). Some of us may be experts at "reading" blood tests, because we've had to deal with some condition or other. There's a lot of stuff I know about because I have a mild bone marrow cancer (not generally life-shortening so don't worry, I'm pretty much ok). You also want to look for trends over time.

Testosterone is just one thing, and it can vary throughout the day (so very important with sequential lab work to have it done at the same time of day). Hematocrit can be an issue too. And not related to bloodwork, but undiagnosed depression will affect sexuality. Some people can hide depression fairly well.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
Well then as I said for better or worse yours if the only body he gets to see and touch. I used to be very much against it too. I am over weight and self conscious. But at some point it dawned on me that I was denying my husband something he doesn't get anywhere else (he doesn't do porn either).

We installed a dimmable remote switch for our bedroom light. So when it's sexy time we can have the equivalent of candle light. But I've also gotten much bolder as well.
I completely agree!! Now, if I can get the rest of me to follow my head. Mentally I agree with all of it.
I know he’s said before that he enjoys looking at my body. It’s not like he never sees me, but the little bit I have been able to give, is still so hard for me. Baby steps! I couldn’t imagine feeling at ease in this area. I know I will be one day, because I think it’s needed. For various reasons.
 

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I completely agree!! Now, if I can get the rest of me to follow my head. Mentally I agree with all of it.
I know he’s said before that he enjoys looking at my body. It’s not like he never sees me, but the little bit I have been able to give, is still so hard for me. Baby steps! I couldn’t imagine feeling at ease in this area. I know I will be one day, because I think it’s needed. For various reasons.
I also think if he was wanting sex (or at least sexual touching) with you 2-3 times a week, you would get over your insecurities pretty quickly. The problem with struggling with these issues is that they need to be challenged with another person in order to really fight them...so without physical intimacy, it happens much more slowly.

Yet another reason why sex is so important and GREAT!! Lol!
 

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Discussion Starter #50
You might consider posting the results here (removing any patient-identifying data first). Some of us may be experts at "reading" blood tests, because we've had to deal with some condition or other. There's a lot of stuff I know about because I have a mild bone marrow cancer (not generally life-shortening so don't worry, I'm pretty much ok). You also want to look for trends over time.

Testosterone is just one thing, and it can vary throughout the day (so very important with sequential lab work to have it done at the same time of day). Hematocrit can be an issue too. And not related to bloodwork, but undiagnosed depression will affect sexuality. Some people can hide depression fairly well.
Oh that would be great to have opinion about the blood work up.
I have thought about depression over the years. I think (I know, I’m going to sound like THAT person) but I really do think that he deals with ADD. We’ve tried different herbal supplements over the years that has helped, not enough though. And we’ve even noticed a difference following a certain diet structure. But I think he gets very overwhelmed easily. He has a really hard time balancing different areas in his life.
You have seen those photos where men mentally take out ONE box and can just focus on that one thing, women are like spaghetti strings all over the place, inter-weaving? Now this scenario doesn’t fit every man and woman, but I think it’s pretty common that that’s how men think/process versus women think/process.
I believe my husband has difficulty putting a box back and getting another box out. With that box in front of him, he can’t even think about any of the other boxes that line the wall, let alone glance up at one. He gets overwhelmed then mentally checks out.
Obviously that’s just my opinion after being with him for 31 years, and I would absolutely love for him to see somebody about this. But it hasn’t happened yet! LOL
 

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Discussion Starter #51
I also think if he was wanting sex (or at least sexual touching) with you 2-3 times a week, you would get over your insecurities pretty quickly. The problem with struggling with these issues is that they need to be challenged with another person in order to really fight them...so without physical intimacy, it happens much more slowly.

Yet another reason why sex is so important and GREAT!! Lol!
Right??!!
it’s a little hard to have any level of self-confidence when you feel that the most intimate and pleasurable thing you can do with your spouse, he shys away from.
 

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I am going to workout again, stick with it this time! I LOVE the guitar. I have a nice one and I've never learned to play. I am a hippie though and through. I am a bit odd, but I am a kind and loving person. I just need to take care of me. Apart of that is being on here. I need to know I have exhausted every effort. I know I can still learn and change myself.
I don't know if this will mean anything... and admittedly, I'm not feeling my usual self this week, so I did hesitate about even posting on your thread. What you wrote here could be how I might have approached something in the past. And while with certain things that I set my mind to, I do what is needed, there are other times where I express broad statements that lack the follow-through. Actions speak louder than words, and my suggestion is to just try one thing. Rather than '...stick with it this time!' How about 'Today I will do one thing for my fitness' or whatever it is. This would be my reservation with scheduling intimacy. You wrote that your husband is a creature of habit, but are you? My suggestion would be to just do one thing today. It could be an open conversation, it could be intimacy or flirtation.

I can be quite blunt / openly flirtatious about sex. My husband is good with this; however, he demonstrates attraction in moments when I wouldn't expect - that comes from having space between the notes ;) Granted, sometimes we're both just silly in our approach. Laughter works too.

Confidence is sexy. And you said you have made progress in yourself for this. Good job.

Maybe I've not read intently enough, but what has your husband's approach to intimacy and sex been with you? Also you mentioned it's hard for you to discuss sex. What about for him? And is there any understanding of each others sexual needs?
 

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I completely agree!! Now, if I can get the rest of me to follow my head. Mentally I agree with all of it.
I know he’s said before that he enjoys looking at my body. It’s not like he never sees me, but the little bit I have been able to give, is still so hard for me. Baby steps! I couldn’t imagine feeling at ease in this area. I know I will be one day, because I think it’s needed. For various reasons.
This can be a catch-22 scenario. He has expressed that he enjoys seeing you naked. You find it hard to give yourself fully - being vulnerable in certain ways. While I understand you may feel more confident if he responded differently towards you; he also might respond differently towards you if there was greater openness (nakedness, for example!) from you. Try not to point the finger of blame his way, as that's not going to help either of you. Both of you need to want things to change, then follow through, for any shift in the dynamic to occur.
 

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Discussion Starter #54
I don't know if this will mean anything... and admittedly, I'm not feeling my usual self this week, so I did hesitate about even posting on your thread. What you wrote here could be how I might have approached something in the past. And while with certain things that I set my mind to, I do what is needed, there are other times where I express broad statements that lack the follow-through. Actions speak louder than words, and my suggestion is to just try one thing. Rather than '...stick with it this time!' How about 'Today I will do one thing for my fitness' or whatever it is. This would be my reservation with scheduling intimacy. You wrote that your husband is a creature of habit, but are you? My suggestion would be to just do one thing today. It could be an open conversation, it could be intimacy or flirtation.

I can be quite blunt / openly flirtatious about sex. My husband is good with this; however, he demonstrates attraction in moments when I wouldn't expect - that comes from having space between the notes ;) Granted, sometimes we're both just silly in our approach. Laughter works too.

Confidence is sexy. And you said you have made progress in yourself for this. Good job.

Maybe I've not read intently enough, but what has your husband's approach to intimacy and sex been with you? Also you mentioned it's hard for you to discuss sex. What about for him? And is there any understanding of each others sexual needs?
I guess I can be a creature of habit, but I’m also real big on growth and change.
I would have to write a book to try to explain all the various things that I have done to try to bring us closer. Even scheduling intimacy I have tried, but I have not tried it with the baby step approach. For instance this week maybe just spending five or 10 minutes snuggling when we go to bed. And then maybe next week we can add some kissing and rubbing to that. The main reason why I think this may work, is because my husband gets extremely overwhelmed at the slightest bit of change. So for him going to bed is just going to bed. He’s never been a snuggler in bed, he doesn’t like to be touched when he sleeps because he doesn’t sleep well. So this would be really more for him than me. The main reason why I think this may work, is because my husband gets extremely overwhelmed at the slightest bit of change. So for him going to bed is just going to bed. lol He’s never been a snuggle her in bed, he doesn’t like to be touched when he sleeps because he doesn’t sleep well, he wakes easily. So this would be really more for him than me.
I have to really watch myself because I’m a jump in and get it all done kind of person. When I see a need for change, I want to go 100% which usually blows everybody in my family away. No matter what it is, they need slow steps.
I guess if you can picture a speedboat make a turn, that’s me. If you can picture a great big cruise liner making a turn, that’s my husband.
The other night we had a really good conversation on his need for visualization. He knows it’s an area I’ve gotten a lot better at, but it’s still a hangup for me. He also knows I need intimacy before sex. And that’s something that’s extremely difficult for him because intimacy comes after sex for him.
So to answer your question about my husbands approach? He gets horny every 3 to 5 months and when we go to bed he just thinks that we’re going to have sex. Kiss for a minute then do the deed! That’s pretty much his game plan. 😂Which obviously doesn’t work for me. Then he’s confused because he feels that I spent four months trying to get in his pants, and he’s finally willing to give it away and I back off.
I didn’t know how to talk with him in past years. I would get frustrated and during frustration I would let him know what I need from him and what he’s not doing right in our relationship. He would get frustrated feeing he can’t do enough, and this we lived in a pool of impasses!! But now I’m being way more direct. I am getting better and better about talking openly about intimate details of our sex life. What I need and why I need it. And I’m setting a part time that we can actually talk. Usually Sundays work best because there’s no work, he doesn’t have the pressures from a workday.

Sorry this is an extremely long reply.
 

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I guess if you can picture a speedboat make a turn, that’s me. If you can picture a great big cruise liner making a turn, that’s my husband.
THIS is BRILLIANT and SO funny to me, because I'm a speedboat too (once I make a decision about something, that is)!!!!

I think it's terrific that you are starting to develop enough confidence to be direct about what you need! You also seem to be very aware of what you are feeling and why, and what needs to be done to help yourself grow!!

I REALLY admire you and your approach to what you are going through - YOU GO GIRL!!!! :) ;)
 

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Aww. Well, would he open up if he had any reason he didn't want sex, such as having trouble with erections? I had a "sort of" bf for 3 years who wouldn't come out and tell me about it. The other thing is he might have gotten addicted to porn or something like that, which can make some people have trouble functioning because they get "stuck" on their favorite scenarios that they like to watch and get off to and then it can't be replilcated in real life. Not saying everyone who watches it, that happens to, but it is a thing.

I am happy for you that he obviously still loves you, though, and wants to spend time with you. Now that you have time, why not start walking and maybe diet for maybe 2 months and lose just a few pounds and bring your energy level up. You could join Curves which is only a quick 20-minute workout. With dieting, you can lose about 5 pounds the first week when your have not been doing exercise or diet at all. Actually, I once set a record and lost 10, but I was doing more than just Curves.

And just keep doing what you did with putting on something revealing and sexy. Show some boob (sorry :sneaky:) because you know that's what men like. Buy a push-up bra and start wearing something just around the house when he comes home. You don't have to pressure him at all, but you can cuddle up and watch tv together, and eventually, if he's got any life left in him, and considering he really sounds like he loves you, he will either start feeling sexy or he will have to explain himself.

I bet it was just awkward for him when you put on the shorties and he hadn't been in that "mode" for awhile or he'd have done something about it, but don't stop because now he's had a day or two to think about the possibilities, I bet if you just keep that up, things will turn around for you. Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #57
This can be a catch-22 scenario. He has expressed that he enjoys seeing you naked. You find it hard to give yourself fully - being vulnerable in certain ways. While I understand you may feel more confident if he responded differently towards you; he also might respond differently towards you if there was greater openness (nakedness, for example!) from you. Try not to point the finger of blame his way, as that's not going to help either of you. Both of you need to want things to change, then follow through, for any shift in the dynamic to occur.
I’m not saying there’s not times I don’t get frustrated and just point the finger at him and say, you need to stop this. Or I guess in our case you need to Revit up LOL. But for the most part I really am a very understanding person. I understand that his work has a lot of stress, I believe he has some form of ADD or some thing. He’s a loving man in so many ways. And I also know I’ve had a lot of pretentious hangups over the years.
THIS is BRILLIANT and SO funny to me, because I'm a speedboat too (once I make a decision about something, that is)!!!!

I think it's terrific that you are starting to develop enough confidence to be direct about what you need! You also seem to be very aware of what you are feeling and why, and what needs to be done to help yourself grow!!

I REALLY admire you and your approach to what you are going through - YOU GO GIRL!!!! :) ;)
you just made my day!!!! ❤🥰
It’s been an emotional day for me for political/Covid/sexual/lack of sleep reasons 😂😂
For whatever reason, I’ve always been pretty good at knowing WHY I feel or act a certain way. I’ve gotten more tuned into that over the years. Its not always a super power hahaha.
the self confidence is definitely with shaky knees!! I still feel fat and ugly! But I’m changing. Years ago I was so bad, I wouldnt walk out of my home without makeup. Now? I don’t own makeup.I just do t like how it feels on, and I don’t really care enough anymore.
Thanks again, you really did make my day :)
 

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you just made my day!!!! ❤🥰
It’s been an emotional day for me for political/Covid/sexual/lack of sleep reasons 😂😂
For whatever reason, I’ve always been pretty good at knowing WHY I feel or act a certain way. I’ve gotten more tuned into that over the years. Its not always a super power hahaha.
the self confidence is definitely with shaky knees!! I still feel fat and ugly! But I’m changing. Years ago I was so bad, I wouldnt walk out of my home without makeup. Now? I don’t own makeup.I just do t like how it feels on, and I don’t really care enough anymore.
Thanks again, you really did make my day :)
You are very welcome...you are easy to please if that made your day!! (which makes you awesome!)

HANG IN THERE, you are like a super-woman to ME...I failed in my situation with my husband and have given up (without bitterness, but for good reason), and I SO MUCH want you to succeed and be happy!!

As for the bolded...I know EXACTLY how you feel - I am starting to think we are kindred spirits!!! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #59
You are very welcome...you are easy to please if that made your day!! (which makes you awesome!)

HANG IN THERE, you are like a super-woman to ME...I failed in my situation with my husband and have given up (without bitterness, but for good reason), and I SO MUCH want you to succeed and be happy!!

As for the bolded...I know EXACTLY how you feel - I am starting to think we are kindred spirits!!! :)
I absolutely love this!
 

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You are very welcome...you are easy to please if that made your day!! (which makes you awesome!)

HANG IN THERE, you are like a super-woman to ME...I failed in my situation with my husband and have given up (without bitterness, but for good reason), and I SO MUCH want you to succeed and be happy!!

As for the bolded...I know EXACTLY how you feel - I am starting to think we are kindred spirits!!! :)
How is it that you and Mary can be kindred spirits if you have given up and she has not?

I admire Mary because she is someone still willing to try and do whatever it takes to move forwards and have a better relationship. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and humility for which we should all applaud Mary and be very supportive.

You @LisaDiane are in no what way the same from my perspective. It is as if you have resigned your marriage to failure and resentment by accepting that you are unwanted by your husband sexually. Why are you here? Do you even want to work on your marriage? Or are you trying to validate your thoughts that your marriage is impossible to to work on anymore?

Are you wanting to help yourself by offering support to others? How can you help others if you can't help yourself?

I get angry because I think you have it in yourself to be more like Mary. Perhaps it is Mary that is the one that might actually be able to help you!

Regards,
Badsanta
 
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