Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 71 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #21
So imagine him just walking away from you, and imagine how you will respond.
Due to the past, if I do this I may just chuck a shoe at him and say never mind, before I ever start!!! Haha

Kidding. I know what you mean. And you’re right!!
That’s the hardest for me. Not taking it personally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,610 Posts
Soooo... I thought about doing this last night.
THIS is where I need to get out of my own head. I have never done anything like this before. It’s embarrassing to think about doing, so I wonder how the actual act will come across.
This one can be challenging. It is OK to first talk about it and ask him if he would be interested in watching you do that.

He could have a lot of mixed emotions. Some good and bad. It could make him feel emasculated. Or it could be a eureka moment!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #23
I agree with recheck testosterone. It cannot hurt.
Also, maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but you could try just starting to pleasure yourself in front of him. Put the same outfit you had on on the 2 day movie weekend, and if he does not get the hint, start touching yourself. The point will be clear and I would guess....he will not go very long just sitting there...and will jump in on the action.
SO I did a thing last night...

I took a bath, shaved (Im very OCD about this, I shave daily!) I have an oil blend I love and he has commented that he also likes it. It is basically coconut oil, with frankincense, clary sage, lavender and ylang ylang. I use it almost daily, or just coconut oil. Being 52, my skin drys very easily!
I went with the smell good oils last night :)
I have a little short night I put on, with nothing else...
We were going to watch some tv. Once we both were seated, I gave him plenty of views. I couldn't bring myself to actually touch myself, I tried but... no.
What I did do, is when he looked my way, I started rubbing my inner leg, high up and asked if he would like to touch me.
Long and short, we spent the next 10 or so minutes just playing with each other, and the rest of the evening just snuggling while we watched our show.
Nothing more happened, but he enjoyed it and I enjoyed it. That was a good step for where we have been!
We also talked a little this morning about making a "intimacy" schedule. @hubby recommended one, and I like how he thought it through. A little now, and let it grow each week.
He seems okay with making the schedule. But, we have also been here before. We will see!
He knows he is a creature of habit, and he needs to make ME a habit.
We had a really good talk! I would love for him to take control of this, remind me to put it together, but I know we are a very VERY long way from anything like that. I will say something tonight about our schedule. See if he would like to work on one with me :) Maybe with a bowl of ice cream. Yes, sweets are a goody to my husbands heart!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
621 Posts
SO I did a thing last night...

I took a bath, shaved (Im very OCD about this, I shave daily!) I have an oil blend I love and he has commented that he also likes it. It is basically coconut oil, with frankincense, clary sage, lavender and ylang ylang. I use it almost daily, or just coconut oil. Being 52, my skin drys very easily!
I went with the smell good oils last night :)
I have a little short night I put on, with nothing else...
We were going to watch some tv. Once we both were seated, I gave him plenty of views. I couldn't bring myself to actually touch myself, I tried but... no.
What I did do, is when he looked my way, I started rubbing my inner leg, high up and asked if he would like to touch me.
Long and short, we spent the next 10 or so minutes just playing with each other, and the rest of the evening just snuggling while we watched our show.
Nothing more happened, but he enjoyed it and I enjoyed it. That was a good step for where we have been!
We also talked a little this morning about making a "intimacy" schedule. @hubby recommended one, and I like how he thought it through. A little now, and let it grow each week.
He seems okay with making the schedule. But, we have also been here before. We will see!
He knows he is a creature of habit, and he needs to make ME a habit.
We had a really good talk! I would love for him to take control of this, remind me to put it together, but I know we are a very VERY long way from anything like that. I will say something tonight about our schedule. See if he would like to work on one with me :) Maybe with a bowl of ice cream. Yes, sweets are a goody to my husbands heart!
THIS is GREAT!!!! Good for you - I'm SO happy it was a success for you!!!
You are right, you can now build on this to get you both more comfortable meeting eachother's needs!

YAY!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #25
THIS is GREAT!!!! Good for you - I'm SO happy it was a success for you!!!
You are right, you can now build on this to get you both more comfortable meeting eachother's needs!

YAY!!!
Let's just hope it doesn't die off.
I dont want meet this with a downer attitude, and I am not, but we have been here. Not exactly this, but I have tried so many things! And they fade away.
He seemed very interested, but I have really pulled back and I think he's noticed. I wonder if hes feeling he needs to step it up because I have pulled back? idk. We will see :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
150 Posts
I don’t think my husband would laugh at me. I can see him saying, that looks fun, but not tonight. Which would still hurt.
I admit..I also don't understand the minds of LD partners, so my views are slanted to how i think. My point about touching yourself in front of him is two fold...One...you likely arouse him and he wants in on the action....two....he clearly sees that you have needs and desire that has to be taken care of. Worst case.....he does not jump in. Would it hurt...yes, but you already hurt, so need to do something or things will not change.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,713 Posts
SO I did a thing last night...

I took a bath, shaved (Im very OCD about this, I shave daily!) I have an oil blend I love and he has commented that he also likes it. It is basically coconut oil, with frankincense, clary sage, lavender and ylang ylang. I use it almost daily, or just coconut oil. Being 52, my skin drys very easily!
I went with the smell good oils last night :)
I have a little short night I put on, with nothing else...
We were going to watch some tv. Once we both were seated, I gave him plenty of views. I couldn't bring myself to actually touch myself, I tried but... no.
What I did do, is when he looked my way, I started rubbing my inner leg, high up and asked if he would like to touch me.
Long and short, we spent the next 10 or so minutes just playing with each other, and the rest of the evening just snuggling while we watched our show.
Nothing more happened, but he enjoyed it and I enjoyed it. That was a good step for where we have been!
We also talked a little this morning about making a "intimacy" schedule. @hubby recommended one, and I like how he thought it through. A little now, and let it grow each week.
He seems okay with making the schedule. But, we have also been here before. We will see!
He knows he is a creature of habit, and he needs to make ME a habit.
We had a really good talk! I would love for him to take control of this, remind me to put it together, but I know we are a very VERY long way from anything like that. I will say something tonight about our schedule. See if he would like to work on one with me :) Maybe with a bowl of ice cream. Yes, sweets are a goody to my husbands heart!
sometimes times its two baby steps forward one step back but the important thing is that you are trying...BTW as a teenager i think i burnt intense that smelled like you...lol
great update mary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
621 Posts
Damn your awesome.... That’s like every mans fantasy. I can’t believe his eyes didn’t roll in back his head as he spontaneously ejaculated.
Lol!!! Well, clearly I'm not EVERY man's fantasy, or I'd be having SEX...

And his eyes DID roll back in his head...as he mocked me and walked out...
I'll NEVER do that again...Lol!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #30
sometimes times its two baby steps forward one step back but the important thing is that you are trying...BTW as a teenager i think i burnt intense that smelled like you...lol
great update mary.
Ya, I really am a true hippie, except I bathe and shave daily lol
I agree about the baby steps. I really am a patient person, I don't care how my family sees me! I know me...lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #31
Damn your awesome.... That’s like every mans fantasy. I can’t believe his eyes didn’t roll in back his head as he spontaneously ejaculated.
I have had this thought many times over the years, when I have tried something that didn't get the response I was hoping for. "I thought this is a mans locker room fantasy?!"
Some just aren't wired that way, for some odd reason! Or they are and somehow it died.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
621 Posts
I have had this thought many times over the years, when I have tried something that didn't get the response I was hoping for. "I thought this is a mans locker room fantasy?!"
Some just aren't wired that way, for some odd reason! Or they are and somehow it died.
It's like I said, normal-high drive men cannot comprehend the thoughts and feelings that low drive men have about sex...and actually, that goes for women too!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #33
Lol!!! Well, clearly I'm not EVERY man's fantasy, or I'd be having SEX...

And his eyes DID roll back in his head...as he mocked me and walked out...
I'll NEVER do that again...Lol!
I am so sorry! I mean, I defiantly have a sexless marriage, but he's not a complete ass. How do you do it? I know how hurt and angry I have become with what I deal with.
I mean, yes there have been time my hubby has responded in hurtful ways, but he would never just laugh and walk out on a situation. Ignore it? yes!
To add just mean to it? I'm really am sorry!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter #34
It's like I said, normal-high drive men cannot comprehend the thoughts and feelings that low drive men have about sex...and actually, that goes for women too!
Agreed. When I started looking into this, (and I know you already know this) but I would google "sexless marriage help" and it was all written about wives. UGH! I dug and found things, but this is more common than people like to discuss. Those percentages of men with ED, or performance issues were from 1908!!! kidding, but they were a while back. More and more men are having issues.
I have my own thoughts as what a small factor of that is, I think its our food. But it sure isn't the whole picture! And whatever it is, my and your husband have hands darn it, even if they don't want or cant have sex!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
621 Posts
I am so sorry! I mean, I defiantly have a sexless marriage, but he's not a complete ass. How do you do it? I know how hurt and angry I have become with what I deal with.
I mean, yes there have been time my hubby has responded in hurtful ways, but he would never just laugh and walk out on a situation. Ignore it? yes!
To add just mean to it? I'm really am sorry!!
Oh, I'm angry, for sure...but for me, being angry is SILENCE and avoiding him...for months now.

That happened quite awhile ago, maybe a year, and it was before I gave up, so it DID hurt, ALOT...especially because I'm pretty shy (but I always try to please), and I am more comfortable being sexually submissive. Putting myself out there like that was scary, but I thought I was pleasing him, and to be slapped in the face like that (metaphorically) was terribly humiliating for me!

But you don't have to feel sorry for me - I don't!! It was a great learning experience for me (that he can't be trusted), and I would always rather know the truth of how he (or anyone) feels - even if it hurts!

What he's done with our sex life is ALL on HIM...HE has ruined it. Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do about it...I'm not there yet...but I WILL get there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
621 Posts
Agreed. When I started looking into this, (and I know you already know this) but I would google "sexless marriage help" and it was all written about wives. UGH! I dug and found things, but this is more common than people like to discuss. Those percentages of men with ED, or performance issues were from 1908!!! kidding, but they were a while back. More and more men are having issues.
I have my own thoughts as what a small factor of that is, I think its our food. But it sure isn't the whole picture! And whatever it is, my and your husband have hands darn it, even if they don't want or cant have sex!
That's exactly right!!! For ME, it's the attitude behind the refusal that tells the real story and matters the most!
I am like you - I'm completely accommodating and never said No to ANYTHING he wanted or needed to feel sexually excited with me. But in the end, that made NO difference with MY husband...I am happy for you that your husband is different, so you could have better results than me!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,610 Posts
He seems okay with making the schedule. But, we have also been here before. We will see!
He knows he is a creature of habit, and he needs to make ME a habit.
THAT!

...and you need to approach this with low expectations and allow yourselves to gradually build the tools that it takes to just make it happen.

You did mention that the idea of self pleasure in front of your husband was challenging and that you could not do it. In the conversation afterwards did you mention to him that you wanted to give that a try to see how he might respond? If not you should and be aware that you can ask him to help you build the confidence that you need to make that happen.

The one thing great about scheduling intimacy and talking about things, is that as a couple you can point out issues where you each have your own personal flaws (as in you pointing out that you struggle to get enough confidence to touch yourself in front of your husband). Then your husband can share his view of your struggle and help you with it. There is no telling what will develop out of that, and that is why intimacy in a long term relationship can suddenly begin to bloom!

Good luck, and don't give up!

Also be patient and allow for some moments that will continue to be challenging. Hopefully your husband will agree to be patient and you two can create an environment of teamwork.

Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
757 Posts
I'd also like to say regarding confidence and child bearing bodies.

Remember you are the only body your husband gets to see naked (unless he watches porn) and touch naked and experience. So even if you are shy about it let him see.

Another note while the oil may be an alluring smell from a distance up close and personal like oral it maybe way too strong. It can be hard to tell someone you love that their vajayjay stinks. My hubby has a shave oil that I love the smell of that he uses in his beard. But sometimes when I kiss him and get real close it is over powering.
 
21 - 40 of 71 Posts
Top