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Discussion Starter #1
I am new here and have had some great conversations with some of you all already!
It s great community from hat I have seem, and for me needed.

I really don't have anyone I can talk to. I struggle with embarrassing conversations and sex is one conversation I struggle with! But its easy here, you all dont know me :) And you're a captive audience haha!

So I am going to VENT!!

In short, I've been married 30 years, and 5 kids later my body looks like its birthed 5 kids. Thats on me. I am not large, but over weight and just not fit. Honestly, running my husbands office, homeschooling the kids and all their field trips/co-ops, etc, lesson plans/grading, grocery shipping, paying bills, etc... hasn't left me with much time, only exhausted nerves! Now with all but one child gone, and the office has slowed a lot, I have no more excuses!!

I am saying this because I know I am not sexy. I have never, ever felt I am pretty in the slightest. So its very hard for me to put myself out there, even with the man I love.

I asked hubby Friday if he was working the next day, because he has worked Saturdays for months now, Even though he does, I always ask.
He said he was and I said "oh, okay". He asked if that was okay, which was odd. He never asks that. If he feels he needs to work, he needs to work. thats it.
I said that it was fine, I said just miss him and I know he is exhausted. I said it would be nice to take a 2 day stay at home vacation. No house work, no business work. Just us and movies! I was socked when he said that he wanted to stay home. He said, and I quote "I want you to know you mean more to me than working!" I physically teared up and hugged him.

And thats exactly what we did. Watched movies. For two days. I needed the down time, I am also exhausted. I watch our grandson almost full time and on top of normal house wife/ office life, I get tired too.
Our son who still lives at home, worked all weekend, leaving the house to us. I have already decided I won't initiate sex or intimacy. I am tired of being turned down.
So I tried a different approach. I wore some short jammie shorts with a cute little t-shirt, nothing underneath of either, I kept positioning myself to give certain views... nothing. Is the man dead??!!! Again, I know I'm nothing to write home about, but come on!!

Anyhow, it was a nice weekend of resting and movie watching.
Sometimes I struggle between being pissed/hurt and feeling selfish. Am I making all of this too much about me, to the point I am losing understanding for my husband?
Should I have just enjoyed the weekend with him home and not have had expectations?

I feel as if I am getting to a place where I am obsessing.
 

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Should I have just enjoyed the weekend with him home and not have had expectations?
I think you have to put a new perspective on "expectations" in your marriage. If you want sex with your husband, you are probably going to have to just make it happen! Talk about it and let him know sex is extremely important for you and create a schedule. If you are frustrated that he gives work a priority, let him know that YOU need to be a priority.

Now you also need to turn sex into something that he can enjoy as opposed to being a chore or something that gives him anxiety. Once you agree on a schedule you can both enjoy anticipating that moment and work on ways where you can facilitate intimacy by making yourself extremely easy to please. Don't insist on his pleasure, but let him know you are willing to please him if he wants it. Once he shows interest for something THEN you can be playful and start to tease him.

DON'T try to tease and be playful with him before he is interested or else you are likely in for a world of hurt. Let him know you are interested in him being playful and teasing you and talk to him about ways he can EASILY do that for you.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I think you have to put a new perspective on "expectations" in your marriage. If you want sex with your husband, you are probably going to have to just make it happen! Talk about it and let him know sex is extremely important for you and create a schedule. If you are frustrated that he gives work a priority, let him know that YOU need to be a priority.

Now you also need to turn sex into something that he can enjoy as opposed to being a chore or something that gives him anxiety. Once you agree on a schedule you can both enjoy anticipating that moment and work on ways where you can facilitate intimacy by making yourself extremely easy to please. Don't insist on his pleasure, but let him know you are willing to please him if he wants it. Once he shows interest for something THEN you can be playful and start to tease him.

DON'T try to tease and be playful with him before he is interested or else you are likely in for a world of hurt. Let him know you are interested in him being playful and teasing you and talk to him about ways he can EASILY do that for you.

Regards,
Badsanta
I have. Oh boy have I. I have thrown myself at him. I can undress in front of this man and he doesn't notice.
Once we were watching a movie, and I asked him to lay back, and started giving him oral. I have never been a big fan, but like I said in other comments, about 4 years ago I tried a new thing... I gave in areas I never thought I would before
This was one area.
I have tried to schedule, I have talked within. I have tied him up. I have put honey on him, I have given him space, I have asked what he wants, I have told him I don't like feeling second to his job. I backed off after years of being told "not tonight" I don't like the lights on, I feel so ugly... but I have done it for him.

I just dont know how else I can do this things, I have already tried so many variations. I want attention too. And not just sex. I wanton feel loved, valued and needed.
 

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I have. Oh boy have I. I have thrown myself at him. I can undress in front of this man and he doesn't notice.
Once we were watching a movie, and I asked him to lay back, and started giving him oral. I have never been a big fan, but like I said in other comments, about 4 years ago I tried a new thing... I gave in areas I never thought I would before
This was one area.
I have tried to schedule, I have talked within. I have tied him up. I have put honey on him, I have given him space, I have asked what he wants, I have told him I don't like feeling second to his job. I backed off after years of being told "not tonight" I don't like the lights on, I feel so ugly... but I have done it for him.

I just dont know how else I can do this things, I have already tried so many variations. I want attention too. And not just sex. I wanton feel loved, valued and needed.
Everything in your post is about "you trying to please him" while you are getting frustrated over "him not pleasing you."

My wife has repeated that she likes ice cream, but that at some point enough is enough and she does not want anymore ice cream. So metaphorically speaking I would continue to make her new dishes of ice cream and get extremely frustrated watching them get thrown away while I was desperate for ice cream myself and starving.

So a few questions for you...

Instead of throwing yourself at your husband, is your husband willing to satisfy you when you need it? I discovered that my wife was always willing to give me a handjob or oral at any time, but I often refused it because she did not appear to be in the mood herself. As a result when I would refuse her, she felt as if I was the one rejecting her.

I later discovered that when my wife was willing to please me, that it was not pity sex. She enjoyed pleasing me (just like perhaps you enjoy trying to please your husband) and when I allowed her to do that it would give her a huge boost to her confidence. Once she started feeling more confident, she started responding with her own desire for me.

Perhaps I am projecting. But I used to throw myself at my wife just like you describe throwing yourself at your husband to no avail. Meanwhile I was oblivious to the fact that when I rejected her offer for just taking care of me that I was making her feel rejected.

Perhaps the same dynamic might be playing out in your marriage but with reversed roles.

So seriously? If you asked your husband for a long hug in the nude and to rub each other's back, what would he say? (assuming you have the house to yourselves)

Badsanta
 

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Mary what you have is passion, you still have that fire that is burning inside of you, this hunger (and yes it is a hunger) that desperately needs to be feed with the warm and touch of your husband...both of you had it once when you first started to date, yours was probably stronger than his even back then...but over time while his weened yours still stayed strong, maybe not as strong as it once but that hunger never left......you went out and sought knowledge to spice things up with very little in return, but you preserved you still craved him, you kept thinking and reading articles on improving your sexual desires and create a lust in him for you...none of us look the same as we did in our youth, life has a way of morphing us into someone new, but someone strong and beautiful none the less, and some of us still carry that passion. Speaking from experience, what i have discovered was that the more i tried the less receptive my offerings were taken....so i stopped cold turkey, at first she did not notice, i worked solely on me, i took time to explore my passions in photography and nature, and eventually she realized she missed those little things...but that is when it became a little to late for me....the years of rejection cause a scar in me that made me lost the lust i had for her sadly...now she wants me but i sadly don't feel the same...so be careful.
 

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Hi @Mary L and welcome to the forum, although I'm sorry you're here (if you know what I mean). I'm right there with you in that I'm 58yo and had kids and my bod looks like a 58yo with kids. I'm not particularly ugly, but I don't feel 20yo and in great physical shape, and even when I was young I didn't feel pretty. So I get ya.

Here's one thing I've been noticing lately and I am not sure if it will apply to you, but it might. I am a pretty passionate, open-book, up-front kind of lady and so if I'm "in a mood" I will just say so. I figure guys can't read minds, so I'll just share right out loud and make it easy! And honestly, my mind loves my husband--he's truly a hottie (although I guarantee he would blush). Speaking my mind about his legs or this-or-that about him that I find attractive is one way of getting my own self interested...and letting him know I wouldn't turn him down. ;) But that may not be a way of getting HIM interested. My Beloved Hubby is a little more ... modest about these kind of things. He's not uninterested! It's just more like he finds the privacy between the two of us to be more stirring and passionate.

Now from what I've read elsewhere, you have tried a number of things to try to get some sort of reaction out of your husband...and all have failed. But I wonder if maybe it's just a matter of difference? Like "he is who he is and this is not the way he gets interested." Not all of us speak right out loud. Not all of us are open book people. I don't know your hubby a bit so I can't even guess what he might be, but you DO know him. If he is "not the same as you" in the way that he likes to be enticed, then maybe it's worth a minute to think about that. If you entice him "your way" he a) may not even notice it and b) it will feel like a rejection to you. On the other hand, if you figure out what "his way" is (however that may be) maybe it's just not the way you'd do it.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Everything in your post is about "you trying to please him" while you are getting frustrated over "him not pleasing you."

My wife has repeated that she likes ice cream, but that at some point enough is enough and she does not want anymore ice cream. So metaphorically speaking I would continue to make her new dishes of ice cream and get extremely frustrated watching them get thrown away while I was desperate for ice cream myself and starving.

So a few questions for you...

Instead of throwing yourself at your husband, is your husband willing to satisfy you when you need it? I discovered that my wife was always willing to give me a handjob or oral at any time, but I often refused it because she did not appear to be in the mood herself. As a result when I would refuse her, she felt as if I was the one rejecting her.

I later discovered that when my wife was willing to please me, that it was not pity sex. She enjoyed pleasing me (just like perhaps you enjoy trying to please your husband) and when I allowed her to do that it would give her a huge boost to her confidence. Once she started feeling more confident, she started responding with her own desire for me.

Perhaps I am projecting. But I used to throw myself at my wife just like you describe throwing yourself at your husband to no avail. Meanwhile I was oblivious to the fact that when I rejected her offer for just taking care of me that I was making her feel rejected.

Perhaps the same dynamic might be playing out in your marriage but with reversed roles.

So seriously? If you asked your husband for a long hug in the nude and to rub each other's back, what would he say? (assuming you have the house to yourselves)

Badsanta
"Instead of throwing yourself at your husband, is your husband willing to satisfy you when you need it?"
He says he is willing to. But he doesn't. And I have talked to him several times.

I have only denied my husband a few times over these last 30 years. If I am sick, or just exhausted. I dont mean normally exhausted, I mean I cant breath exhausted. But to hear him talk, it was all the time. I cant say why. I have went over this in my head and I cant see how he got that. I'm a classic over thinker and I also am okay with seeing my fault in something. I know I have many flaws!

I have offered oral so many times! I have talked about doing things that excite him, to restart things in the bedroom. I am game. Thats why I initiated the toys. I thought guys loved that stuff! Role playing and all. I just thought ALL guys liked it I mean he says he does, but the proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

I do agree, its time for a new approach. I just am not sure what that is, That is where you all come in! I already have some great ideas.
I just need to stop ping ponging. I have always fought for our marriage. But now I get to where I dont have the strength or fight in me. Then I feel bad, I feel too needy, I start thinking Im making too much of things and I need to just be happy.
He doesn't cheat, beat me, he works hard. He truly a kind person. All who know him love him. He would do anything for anyone, kind of person.
Yes he's a slob, yes he could parent better, and see to my needs more.
If he had someone who thought like him, honestly they would probably have such happy life! The house would be a mess, laundry would get washed when there are no more towels,, there would be sex twice a year, but everyone would be happy.

Your question, If I were naked, getting a neck rub? Answer, I would be chilly getting a neck rub.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Mary what you have is passion, you still have that fire that is burning inside of you, this hunger (and yes it is a hunger) that desperately needs to be feed with the warm and touch of your husband...both of you had it once when you first started to date, yours was probably stronger than his even back then...but over time while his weened yours still stayed strong, maybe not as strong as it once but that hunger never left......you went out and sought knowledge to spice things up with very little in return, but you preserved you still craved him, you kept thinking and reading articles on improving your sexual desires and create a lust in him for you...none of us look the same as we did in our youth, life has a way of morphing us into someone new, but someone strong and beautiful none the less, and some of us still carry that passion. Speaking from experience, what i have discovered was that the more i tried the less receptive my offerings were taken....so i stopped cold turkey, at first she did not notice, i worked solely on me, i took time to explore my passions in photography and nature, and eventually she realized she missed those little things...but that is when it became a little to late for me....the years of rejection cause a scar in me that made me lost the lust i had for her sadly...now she wants me but i sadly don't feel the same...so be careful.
You are so close.
Neither of us had much sexual desire in the beginning. I was okay with 2-3 times a week, and I was 21 when we met! I grew up in a very abusive home.
As time has went, I have done much growing and healing, I see relationships differently now. I feel about myself differently and want someone to WANT me. I don't want our relationship to be what its always been. And I think he feels I am just rocking the boat. Making problems where there isn't any.
He is a great friend! He is my best friend! But I have grown to want more.
He has most certainly waned over the years. Which I guess happens with age. SO if you already start low, then your new low is very low! Whereas me, I see that intimacy is needed. Its an important part of marriage. I want to be more than his friend.

I stopped trying all together to be intimate, have sex. I just cant anymore. Its too heartbreaking.
This isn't the same, but when our son was in early elementary, he just couldn't read. He felt stupid and he felt he would never be able to do it. I tried every phonics curriculum I could get my hands on! Finally I found that he can't learn by a phonics approach. He was awhole word learner. Once I began that approach? He jumped 3 grade level where reading was concerned!
Im not a quitter. And it doesn't have to be my way.
I want to be happy, I know who I am today. Thats not who I was yesterday and far from who I will be tomorrow.
I am starting on my life. Without my husband. I dont mean divorce.
Well, hopefully not.
I am going to workout again, stick with it this time! I LOVE the guitar. I have a nice one and I've never learned to play. I am a hippie though and through. I am a bit odd, but I am a kind and loving person. I just need to take care of me.
Apart of that is being on here. I need to know I have exhausted every effort. I know I can still learn and change myself.

Im just hoping I find that one thing that will make the difference. That one nugget. And if not? I will be that fit old lady that can play her guitar for the grandkids.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Hi @Mary L and welcome to the forum, although I'm sorry you're here (if you know what I mean). I'm right there with you in that I'm 58yo and had kids and my bod looks like a 58yo with kids. I'm not particularly ugly, but I don't feel 20yo and in great physical shape, and even when I was young I didn't feel pretty. So I get ya.

Here's one thing I've been noticing lately and I am not sure if it will apply to you, but it might. I am a pretty passionate, open-book, up-front kind of lady and so if I'm "in a mood" I will just say so. I figure guys can't read minds, so I'll just share right out loud and make it easy! And honestly, my mind loves my husband--he's truly a hottie (although I guarantee he would blush). Speaking my mind about his legs or this-or-that about him that I find attractive is one way of getting my own self interested...and letting him know I wouldn't turn him down. ;) But that may not be a way of getting HIM interested. My Beloved Hubby is a little more ... modest about these kind of things. He's not uninterested! It's just more like he finds the privacy between the two of us to be more stirring and passionate.

Now from what I've read elsewhere, you have tried a number of things to try to get some sort of reaction out of your husband...and all have failed. But I wonder if maybe it's just a matter of difference? Like "he is who he is and this is not the way he gets interested." Not all of us speak right out loud. Not all of us are open book people. I don't know your hubby a bit so I can't even guess what he might be, but you DO know him. If he is "not the same as you" in the way that he likes to be enticed, then maybe it's worth a minute to think about that. If you entice him "your way" he a) may not even notice it and b) it will feel like a rejection to you. On the other hand, if you figure out what "his way" is (however that may be) maybe it's just not the way you'd do it.
I know exactly what you mean.
I feel I know him well. I eel I have commented in every manner I know of. I have tried things he says he likes. Idk
I study people. It was something I began doing as a child. I didnt know why people lived certain ways, and I wanted that happiness. So I looked at the differences. You have a nice home? Oh you worked hard to get it! Okay, check!
I have done this with my husband, If he reacts a certain way, I make mental notes. I ask questions, study him. I cant say he does the same, but if asked he would most likely say he does,

There has to be SOMETHING that works for him!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Has he ever had his testosterone tested? I gotta ask. There are too many men who have low testosterone with frustrated wives. There are lots of other symptoms but libido is often the first to go
He has. It was normal, but I feel he needs to have it checked again.
 

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I agree with recheck testosterone. It cannot hurt.
Also, maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but you could try just starting to pleasure yourself in front of him. Put the same outfit you had on on the 2 day movie weekend, and if he does not get the hint, start touching yourself. The point will be clear and I would guess....he will not go very long just sitting there...and will jump in on the action.
 

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"Instead of throwing yourself at your husband, is your husband willing to satisfy you when you need it?"
He says he is willing to. But he doesn't. And I have talked to him several times.
Can you be rather specific as to what he says he is willing to do that is just for you? For example various forms of outercourse like him touching you with his hands, holding a hand held massaging shower head for you while bathing together, giving you oral sex, kissing your neck, or anything that does not involve his penis...
 

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I agree with recheck testosterone. It cannot hurt.
Also, maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but you could try just starting to pleasure yourself in front of him. Put the same outfit you had on on the 2 day movie weekend, and if he does not get the hint, start touching yourself. The point will be clear and I would guess....he will not go very long just sitting there...and will jump in on the action.
NOPE...this never worked with my husband...he would just laugh at me and walk out...making me feel humiliated and ridiculous. Men/people with higher to normal sex drives just cannot understand the minds of lower to no drive people. I know I can't understand LD women who turn their husbands down!!
 

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He has. It was normal, but I feel he needs to have it checked again.
When it’s tested again, get the actual number, then go online to decipher it. Sometimes a Dr. will tell you it’s “normal”, but it’s really bottom of the barrel “low normal”.

This is true of all tests we get from Drs.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I agree with recheck testosterone. It cannot hurt.
Also, maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but you could try just starting to pleasure yourself in front of him. Put the same outfit you had on on the 2 day movie weekend, and if he does not get the hint, start touching yourself. The point will be clear and I would guess....he will not go very long just sitting there...and will jump in on the action.
Soooo... I thought about doing this last night.
THIS is where I need to get out of my own head. I have never done anything like this before. It’s embarrassing to think about doing, so I wonder how the actual act will come across.
also... 52, 5 kids later... it’s just hard to feel sexy. I fee like everything’s is ... blah. Or worse!!
His lack of interests makes those thoughts worse.
mine one hand I want to be the person who said “oh the hell with it! Let’s have fun” and on the other hand, I just want to cry thinking about it.
If I do and he doesn’t give me a second glance or doesn’t and doesn’t get turned on... then I will know.
 

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Soooo... I thought about doing this last night.
THIS is where I need to get out of my own head. I have never done anything like this before. It’s embarrassing to think about doing, so I wonder how the actual act will come across.
also... 52, 5 kids later... it’s just hard to feel sexy. I fee like everything’s is ... blah. Or worse!!
His lack of interests makes those thoughts worse.
mine one hand I want to be the person who said “oh the hell with it! Let’s have fun” and on the other hand, I just want to cry thinking about it.
If I do and he doesn’t give me a second glance or doesn’t and doesn’t get turned on... then I will know.
That's right, and just be ready for that possibility, because it can be devastating if you aren't ready for it. So imagine him just walking away from you, and imagine how you will respond. This is a great experiment, if you are brave enough to try it!!

And remember, even if he does walk away, I don't think he is rejecting YOU, I think he is rejecting SEX, so try not to take it personally. I hope it works out!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Can you be rather specific as to what he says he is willing to do that is just for you? For example various forms of outercourse like him touching you with his hands, holding a hand held massaging shower head for you while bathing together, giving you oral sex, kissing your neck, or anything that does not involve his penis...
I basically told him that he has more than his manhood. I have desires and he needs to meet them. In short. The longer version was kinder.
This is a new area for me, and I’m not super comfortable talking very frankly, even with with my husband. It’s a me issue, but he doesn’t help when he ignores what I do suggest ;)
I know it’s an area I need to grow and I have come a looooong way. It’s just not easy for me. I come across like I have all this confidence to people, but each step is so difficult!!
What I take from this is, I need to be more descriptive!
 

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Discussion Starter #19
When it’s tested again, get the actual number, then go online to decipher it. Sometimes a Dr. will tell you it’s “normal”, but it’s really bottom of the barrel “low normal”.

This is true of all tests we get from Drs.
I thought about this.
the last two blood work ups I‘be had, I was told everything is normal, but when I got a copy I thought my b12 was too low. I added a good supplement and noticed the difference.
I thought about getting his last blood work up, but it’s been so long already. He just needs some new done.
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
NOPE...this never worked with my husband...he would just laugh at me and walk out...making me feel humiliated and ridiculous. Men/people with higher to normal sex drives just cannot understand the minds of lower to no drive people. I know I can't understand LD women who turn their husbands down!!
I don’t think my husband would laugh at me. I can see him saying, that looks fun, but not tonight. Which would still hurt.
 
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