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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thank-you in advance for reading my post. I feel dead inside and have no one to turn to.

Background information
-High school sweethearts (met when we were 18)
-Went off to College and she got pregnant
-Had the baby and we both made major sacrifices and finished school
-Got married
-Had second child

10 total years together of which 6.5 being married.

It all started back in the summer time for us, when things were getting rough. I detached emotionally from the relationship and we just co-existed. Without getting too much into it, we both did some soul searching, I did some maturing, and we put 100% effort into it. It was incredible. Felt like I was with someone new, like I was learning deep things about her I never knew before.

Fast forward to around the end of October. She had a work function, like a team building excursion. She got very drunk and came home very late. I was seething. Truth of the matter is, I've always felt uncomfortable with her going out. Either the work function or just with the girls. She acts very flirty when drinking and it makes me uncomfortable. I was so scared to lose her because although we had come far in the relationship, a side effect of that was I became insecure, and felt like I didn't deserve her. I asked who drove her home, a male coworker. She couldn't lie cause I saw the truck in the driveway. For the first time in my life I logged into our cell phone provider and saw she had texted this man approx. 20 times during the work function. They were sitting right next to each other. I became very suspicious and also saw a single message he sent later in the night which she flat out denied. I was forced to prove it and she fessed up. She said he was going through a separation and needed someone to talk. At this point our relationship was very strong and I tried to put it past.

I should also add that my wife put a password on her phone just before this. She claimed it was to keep the kids out.

Fast forward a bit and I became a bit of a crazy person. I questioned alot of actions and became almost obsessed with the possiblity that something was going on. On New Years he texted her. We fought again. She was absolutely livid at me that I could accuse her of being unfaithfull. In my heart I knew she wasnt being unfaithful. I accused her of an emotional affair. She denied it.

Fast forward to this weekend and things got rough. She purchased a new cell phone she wasn't familiar with, but I knew it kept a history of text messages. I found a message from her best from Saturday. She was having a bad day at work, it went something like this:

her: Having a bad day
friend: awww how come
her: I hate this place
friend: Why don't you get T (the guy) to cheer you up
her: He's part of the problem. Nothing he did
her: It's just S (a girl at work) is here :(
friend: awww you don't need to be jealous B (wife) you have his penis in the palm of your hand
friend:I think it's cute that you are though

They continued to discuss work.

I found this after my wife went to bed and woke her up to discuss. I was devistated. All my suspicions were true. I wasn't crazy like I thought. We discussed all night, and basically, she admitted she had a small crush on him, but that only stems from the fact the she felt he was into her. She swore on everything important to her that this was it. Just a harmless crush and that she would do everything to separate herself from the situation. I had no choice to accept.

BUT THERE'S MORE

Yesterday she received a text from him asking something mundane. She felt obligated to show me, trying to provide some transparency. I encouraged her to text him back. The look on her face was unbelievable. She almost cried that she didnt want to text him back. Regardless she did, and he had another mundane response. I was satisfied. But not completely.

Last night, when she fell asleep I checked her history again with a different friend. It went something like this:

friend: f my life. Look what he sent me (it was a message from a married man she was having an affair with. He wanted her back, but the friend being married herself, broke it off with him a few months back)
friend: I don`t know what to do.
wife: Tell him you need time to think
friend: I can`t do it. (Implying she wanted to stay in her marriage)
wife: That`s good.
friend: How are things with you and T
wife: I broke it off a bit ago
wife: It`s for the best. We can be good girls together.

I can`t describe the devastation I felt. I awoke her. Long story short she admitted to cheating. She said it was just kissing, and it would happen at work when they closed together. She said it happened less than 10 times and has been happening since mid December. I should add our sex life has been completely normal the whole time.

I don`t know what to believe. What if it was more than just kissing. How can I ever find out. I even called the guy calmly and pleaded with him to tell me. He didn`t want to get involved.

I have not slept, my wife is pleading to try and work it out. She said she broke it off with him. I`m so lost.

Any advice
 

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I must have read 100+ stories where the cheating spouse claimed it was just a kiss. Do you know how many of them ended up being only a kiss? Zero. She had sex with that guy, most likely way too many times for it to be considered a mistake.

Get tested for STD's and don't have sex with her in the foreseeable future.
 

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Sorry to hear this. 98% chance she had sex with the guy I'm also sorry to say. I'd DNA test your kids also and get an STD test.

Now unlike a lot of people here I do not think bringing up reconciliation, talking about working on the marriage, laying down conditions/ultimatums from the start of discovering an affair is the best idea. I really don't think putting that hope into a WS head is the best idea because it's more likely to just promote cake-eating, an underground affair, more trickle truth and a false reconcilliation.

I really think what works best is filing for divorce (you don't actually have to go through with the divorce), kicking the spouse out if you can, showing your spouse that while you're hurt you're capable of moving on without them, gauging their reaction for TRUE remorse and a willingness to save the marriage, THEN you start laying down conditions for reconciliation.

You also can't believe anything she tells you at the moment because it sounds like she's still lying and saying what she has to to keep you around.

Oh and you also need to expose to both your famiilies and friends. Also the other man's wife/girlfriend if he has one and you can track her down.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Forward those texts to yourself and Expose her friend as well to her betrayed husband!!! :smthumbup:
I wouldnt feel right exposing her. But I have considered extorting her for more information regarding my wife.

Thnks for all the responses. I`m digesting them and I`ll have a proper reply.
 

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Make sure you save any evidence you have as well and keep it somewhere your wife can't find it.
 

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Re: Re: Really need help, don't know what to do, or where to start

A side note on this, since you confronted on her text messages she'll be smarter about it and hide it better next time. Don't be surprised if you find a burner phone either in her car or hidden somewhere in the house.
Damn right.

She MUST go NC. And there can be no NC as long as she works there. She must quit that job. There is no other way.
 

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My friend you know she is lying. She is in total damage control. She is like an iceberg in that there is so much more you don't see. You have caught her in lie after lie. She is trickle truthing you. You clearly need to polygraph.

Look she said she is breaking it off with the other guy so her and her cheating friend can be good girls together. Good God, what more do you need to know? Make sure the both of you now get tested for STD's. I am sorry to say but she is playing you for a fool.
 

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I wouldnt feel right exposing her. But I have considered extorting her for more information regarding my wife.

Thnks for all the responses. I`m digesting them and I`ll have a proper reply.
Actually, I like this although I would eventually rat her out.

You could also use this on the OM. If you do this you need to have copies of proof. Record the convos. You eventually have to tell his wife anyway. That helps keep him away from your wife in order to save his marriage. All your wife was to him is a booty call.

You will need to tell her HR dept too.

Put a VAR, velcroed under her car seat. Cheaters always use the car to talk in since they think it is completely safe. Even if she doesn't talk to OM she will be talking to friends.

Never let her know how you are getting your info.
 

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I must have read 100+ stories where the cheating spouse claimed it was just a kiss. Do you know how many of them ended up being only a kiss? Zero. She had sex with that guy, most likely way too many times for it to be considered a mistake.

Get tested for STD's and don't have sex with her in the foreseeable future.
I agree. Didn't end withjust a kiss.
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The following advice assumes you want to keep her. Everybody has to make their own decision on that one. Since you have kids, you may want to try, briefly. Just realize that your wife's sexuality was most likely profoundly changed by this kind of behavior, and it may have started a long time back.

Background information
-High school sweethearts (met when we were 18)
-Went off to College and she got pregnant
-Had the baby and we both made major sacrifices and finished school
-Got married
-Had second child

10 total years together of which 6.5 being married.

It all started back in the summer time for us, when things were getting rough. I detached emotionally from the relationship and we just co-existed. Without getting too much into it, we both did some soul searching, I did some maturing, and we put 100% effort into it. It was incredible. Felt like I was with someone new, like I was learning deep things about her I never knew before.
Usually, distancing on the part of the spouse is one of the first clues of adultery, either pending or consummated. It's part of the WW's rationalization for the affair. What happened last summer, exactly? And since she was making things "rough" as you put it last summer, WIH would you believe she only started banging OM in December? Depending on an alternative explanation, I would say her most recent affair behavior actually began last summer, with this guy or another guy(s). Once a woman crosses this line, the inner slvt comes forth.

Your wife is approx 28 years old, so her testosterone is ramping up to send her libido through the roof and help make her interested in collecting random "wild oats" from various males. This is Mother Nature trying to get her to knock out a few more kids before she goes barren. A fairly large percentage of women have already lost fertility at 30, so this is a natural impulse that many formerly worthy wives choose to indulge in at this age.

Fast forward to around the end of October. She had a work function, like a team building excursion. She got very drunk and came home very late. I was seething. Truth of the matter is, I've always felt uncomfortable with her going out.
So, why did you allow these drinking and grinding excursions? When you permit this, it is a Demonstration of Lower Value (DLV) as a man and subconsciously, and even consciously in the end stages, reduces your worthiness as a man in your WW's eyes.

Either the work function or just with the girls. She acts very flirty when drinking and it makes me uncomfortable.
No more GNOs. No more work functions, because you're having her quit her job and find new work where she is not already a known office whöre. Time for a fresh start.

I was so scared to lose her because although we had come far in the relationship, a side effect of that was I became insecure, and felt like I didn't deserve her.
Trying to "work in the relationship" when presented with adulterous behavior by the WW is another DLV (demonstration of lower value.) Women take all their cues on attraction to males from other females. That's why they always run off to the "powder room" to discuss who's hot and who's not. That's why they always have at minimum one friend they can share their affairs and sexploits with. Once the wife decides that other women have no interest in you sexually, they lose interest, too. This is often a chicken and egg deal, but it always goes together. When you act like you're willing to tolerate anything to keep her, it makes you repulsive to her. If you act like, "great, now I can bang all those women who've been after me," that makes you very, very attractive. It's the married version of the Preselection Principle.

I asked who drove her home, a male coworker. She couldn't lie cause I saw the truck in the driveway. For the first time in my life I logged into our cell phone provider and saw she had texted this man approx. 20 times during the work function. They were sitting right next to each other. I became very suspicious and also saw a single message he sent later in the night which she flat out denied. I was forced to prove it and she fessed up. She said he was going through a separation and needed someone to talk. At this point our relationship was very strong and I tried to put it past.
Another DLV.

I should also add that my wife put a password on her phone just before this. She claimed it was to keep the kids out.
Your acceptance of this was an enormous DLV. It was interpreted by your wife as you tolerating outrageous affair behavior that she considered fairly obvious. Putting a password on the phone that is unknown to the husband is something that's quite provocative and she'd been working up to for a while. As in: last summer.

Fast forward a bit and I became a bit of a crazy person. I questioned alot of actions and became almost obsessed with the possiblity that something was going on. On New Years he texted her. We fought again. She was absolutely livid at me that I could accuse her of being unfaithfull. In my heart I knew she wasnt being unfaithful. I accused her of an emotional affair. She denied it.
And you were wrong. Women, including your wife, don't belong up on a moral pedestal. Most likely, there is much more to learn about how far she's fallen of that pedestal.

Fast forward to this weekend and things got rough. She purchased a new cell phone she wasn't familiar with, but I knew it kept a history of text messages. I found a message from her best from Saturday. She was having a bad day at work, it went something like this:

her: Having a bad day
friend: awww how come
her: I hate this place
friend: Why don't you get T (the guy) to cheer you up
her: He's part of the problem. Nothing he did
her: It's just S (a girl at work) is here :(
friend: awww you don't need to be jealous B (wife) you have his penis in the palm of your hand
friend:I think it's cute that you are though

They continued to discuss work.

I found this after my wife went to bed and woke her up to discuss. I was devistated. All my suspicions were true. I wasn't crazy like I thought. We discussed all night, and basically, she admitted she had a small crush on him, but that only stems from the fact the she felt he was into her. She swore on everything important to her that this was it. Just a harmless crush and that she would do everything to separate herself from the situation. I had no choice to accept.
No, you had a choice and you chose to drink the Kool-Aid. Seriously, man? "You have his penis in the palm of your hand." That's some serious denial of reality on your part. That also lowered your SMV (sexual market value) in your wife's eyes some more.


BUT THERE'S MORE

Yesterday she received a text from him asking something mundane. She felt obligated to show me, trying to provide some transparency. I encouraged her to text him back. The look on her face was unbelievable. She almost cried that she didnt want to text him back. Regardless she did, and he had another mundane response. I was satisfied. But not completely.
Well, at least you weren't completely snowed this time.


Last night, when she fell asleep I checked her history again with a different friend. It went something like this:

friend: f my life. Look what he sent me (it was a message from a married man she was having an affair with. He wanted her back, but the friend being married herself, broke it off with him a few months back)
friend: I don`t know what to do.
wife: Tell him you need time to think
friend: I can`t do it. (Implying she wanted to stay in her marriage)
wife: That`s good.
friend: How are things with you and T
wife: I broke it off a bit ago
wife: It`s for the best. We can be good girls together.
Another toxic friend to share sex stories with and encourage each other. If you choose reconciliation, she quits the job and gets rid of all her friends who were in this with her or knew about it in any way.

I can`t describe the devastation I felt. I awoke her. Long story short she admitted to cheating. She said it was just kissing, and it would happen at work when they closed together.
In cheater speak, "kissing" is what normal people refer to as "fvcking." Kissing is a big deal in 6th grade. What adult women want out of affair sex is a hard animalistic pounding. They call this "passion."

She said it happened less than 10 times and has been happening since mid December.
She's lying. Women always under report sexual experience. They even lie to themselves in order to maintain their self image. It's why they can "be good girls together," as your WW puts it, when they are really adulterous skanks.

I should add our sex life has been completely normal the whole time.
And that is a very, very bad sign. This is not her first rodeo. If you want to know when this started, go back as far as you can in your marriage memory to the first time her desire for you began to flag and you went through a period of "not tonight, I've got a headache" excuses.

I don`t know what to believe. What if it was more than just kissing.
Sorry, man, but there is absolutely no doubt about that.

How can I ever find out.
Quite hiding your eyes and start educating yourself on women and men. A lot of women keep blogs on all their extracurricular activities. It makes for fascinating reading. Your wife fvcked him many times. Wake up and smell the porking.

I even called the guy calmly and pleaded with him to tell me. He didn`t want to get involved.
Another massive DLV. This one really killed any attraction your wife still might have had for you. You only contact the OM when you pull him into a dark alley for a "talking to."

I have not slept, my wife is pleading to try and work it out. She said she broke it off with him. I`m so lost.
You certainly have evidence she broke it off, so that's most likely the only thing truthful she's told you, yet. You're going to need to DNA your kids and have her sit a polygraph to find out how long this has been going on.

Also, you consistently demonstrate weakness and that's sexually repellant to women. Let me ask you, do women ever hit on you?
 

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This should have been addressed sooner. Easy for me to say. I suspect in this case however things escalated to a PA way quicker than the OP could have reacted. Just speculation.

But for sure all through this there were displays of low value and sliding boundaries. SOP. This is a woman openly cheating along with a wingowman who also cheats.

I am unclear as to how long the late nights out drinking were going on. That should not have been acceptable from the start. They actually enabled her infidelity. These fed the workplace affair. Chicken and Egg.

She has to quit her job immediatley and she needs a job where there are no more of these activities. But really this is only because there are children. Otherwise why would he R at all?

What faithful wife gets so drunk she cannot drive home herself or at least calls her husband to pick her up. What faithful wife accepts a ride home from a male co-worker when she is trashed. Why would a woman put herself in that postition? No woman should trust any man not her relative in that case. But to be sure they had sex that night and times before. They just got bold enough to let the OM drive her home and hand her back to her husband after he used her.

Anway, this is one of those situations where while he enabled things I think she just flat chose to this cheating life style.

And why do we still see people defending these drunken nights out?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
This should have been addressed sooner. Easy for me to say. I suspect in this case however things escalated to a PA way quicker than the OP could have reacted. Just speculation.

But for sure all through this there were displays of low value and sliding boundaries. SOP. This is a woman openly cheating along with a wingowman who also cheats.

I am unclear as to how long the late nights out drinking were going on. That should not have been acceptable from the start. They actually enabled her infidelity. These fed the workplace affair. Chicken and Egg.

She has to quit her job immediatley and she needs a job where there are no more of these activities. But really this is only because there are children. Otherwise why would he R at all?

What faithful wife gets so drunk she cannot drive home herself or at least calls her husband to pick her up. What faithful wife accepts a ride home from a male co-worker when she is trashed. Why would a woman put herself in that postition? No woman should trust any man not her relative in that case. But to be sure they had sex that night and times before. They just got bold enough to let the OM drive her home and hand her back to her husband after he used her.

Anway, this is one of those situations where while he enabled things I think she just flat chose to this cheating life style.

And why do we still se people defending these drunken nights out?
I want to add that the co-worker excursions were a team building exercise. Not just my wife and the guy out. I also know there was 2 other people in the truck that night so I don't believe anything happened on this occasion.
 

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And I'm sure they got a few laughs out of that around the office.
Absolutely. This was a way for the OM to dominate and humiliate the husband. Some guys get off the taking of another man's wife. Unclear if this was part of her motivation or not.

Perhaps her being too drunk to drive was a veiled excuse for her to leave with this guy but I am sure the folks who she works with know about this.

I suppose this scenario plays out often enough. A guy taking a drunken woman home to her husband. UFB.

Even with no sex involved I find this incredibly disrespectful. Watch some defend this as to not wanting her to drive home drunk. furst she should not have done this. That was a choice. Secondly she should have called her husband.
 
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