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Discussion Starter #1
I filed for divorce and my husband was served papers a week later. He has 30 days to sign them but when talking with him today said he doesn't want the divorce. He is not ready for the marriage to be over and wants to TRY to work on his problems with IC and MC.

I gave him a list of things he would have to do in order for me to even consider R, and he agrees to everything but a polygraph test. I want him to take a test and he said he will never take one as he is not a criminal and if that is the deciding factor of whether we try and work on our marriage then forget it.

I am so confused. Some days I am strong and say I am not going to live another day with this man, yet other days I think if he is willing to do everything but the poly should I try one last time to forgive him and try to make a stronger marriage so that this doesn't happen again.

A part of me feels that I never gave us a chance to heal from his As. I constantly brought them up in every conversation. In his mind he believes I can never get over this and that life will be hell for both of us unless I learn to forgive and try to move past this.

I know he sees the big picture now...that I am not going to tolerate any type of affair EA/PA. I am willing to go thru the divorce, but a part of me feels like I should give it one more try to really try and make things work if he is willing to do his share.

My parents and my brother know everything that has been going on and they say I just need to divorce him. They believe his only wants to prevent the financial devastation that will occur if we divorce. They think I am crazy to even consider R without him willing to take a polygraph. They have lost any respect/love for him for doing this to me. Any big family get togethers would be a little awkward because of what they know.

My biggest fear is that he is not really wanting to R for the right reasons. Loosing 50% of his income is not something he is looking forward to. A part of me feels he is only saying these things because he wants me to find a part-time job which will will lessen his alimony.

I am ready to follow thru with the divorce, but a part of me wants to give it one more try. I feel like I will regret it down the road if I don't try one more time. It's just the recent things I found out he has done since D-day make me wonder if I am insane to think he can/will change. He told me he fully acknowledges he has problems and wants to get help and work to make our marriage stronger. So I struggle every day with divorce or not to divorce.

Any guidance from people would be helpful.

Here are the links to my posts for some background info:

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I think you should re-read the advice in your previous threads. Your WS likes to rugsweep and blame you for not being able to get over his A's.

He's entitled and selfish and a serial cheater. And most likely a narcissist as well.

I understand that you're scared and you want him to be the man you thought he was before his affairs came to light. I'm very sorry for your pain. I understand all too well what it feels like to be betrayed but R is hard even with a remorseful spouse.

You deserve so much better. You are clearly a faithful, good wife and mother and you deserve a man who will appreciate those qualities, and cherish you. Easier said than done when you love someone but you can't fix your H, and you need to stop trying.

He is pretending to be remorseful because he is scared of losing control but once he gets that control back, he will go back to his entitled behaviour.

For R to work, the WS must be willing to do WHATEVER it takes.

You want him to take a poly and he refuses. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. And all this bull about him not being a criminal, who cares? More excuses and justifications for him to continue to maintain the control and keep the truth from you. Let him go.
 

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You sound as if you are morning the loss of the marriage, which you should. But not to the point of backinf off the D. I don't believe he is truly remorsefull. He does not get to pick and chose what you need to get past his infidelity-that simply isn't negotiable. Stand firm. Its like a good tennis stroke-you need a good follow-thru.
 
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I gave him a list of things he would have to do in order for me to even consider R, and he agrees to everything but a polygraph test. I want him to take a test and he said he will never take one as he is not a criminal and if that is the deciding factor of whether we try and work on our marriage then forget it.
People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

He doesn't want to take the polygraph because there is more he does not want you to know about.

I guess you can comply with his stipulation of no polygraph and continue feeling the way you have been feeling. If it were me, I would take his very good advice and forget it.
 

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Stick to your list. He does them all or you don't R and proceed with the D. Nothing more to discuss.

Never give an inch, we keep pushing for more and more and more everytime. If we know you're not gonna budge then we'll either accept your terms or walk. If he walks, you didn't lose anything since you were preparing to leave anyways.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks again for all the advice. Again I think I am just wishful thinking this can work. If I had done something so terrible to somebody and I wanted forgiveness...I would be willing to do WHATEVER it takes!! I don't get that from him.

I need to keep telling myself he is not truly remorseful. Never once did he hold me and say he loves me and tell me how sorry he is. I hate that he is still living here in the house and he won't leave. I think that makes it more difficult because we have to be civil around the children and at times I just want to smack him for what he has done to me. He keeps saying "so this is it huh?" I keep telling him yes, but then he starts talking about how I never gave him a chance to work on his problems and how I just couldn't move past this to make the future better. I just can't move forward knowing there is still more I don't know and he won't tell.
 

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BTW many people has to pass poligraph withouf being criminal. It's a requirement when they want to be put in a position of trust.

The fact is a serial cheating is bargaining the terms of the reconciliation speaks simphonies.
 
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