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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all,

I'm reaching out to this forum because I saw some threads with similar situations like the one I'm currently going through. Any advice would be much appreciated! Here's my story:

My wife and I have been together for 9 years. We have 3 children 5/7/9 (oldest is from a previous marriage however when I met my wife she was 9 months old) and she recently told me that "she's done." This is the second time that she has gotten to a point where she feels physically and emotionally neglected. Looking back I have realized that during the busy schedule of having 3 children, that the typical routine has faded passion over the years. This is the second time that this has happened. I got comfortable, didn't take care of my health, and didn't cater to her needs. By the time we discuss what the problems are, she is already talking to other men. Sending inappropriate pictures, videos, you name it. I recently found out about 2 weeks ago that she started these conversations again, and I immediately confronted her about it which initiated a series of serious talks to identify the core problems. During this period she becomes insatiable. Going from normally intimate to wanting passion every single day. This tore be up as I never truly felt like it was genuine and in the back of my mind this was a by product of these inappropriate conversations with other men. Wanting to move forward, I got a babysitter for a 4 day weekend with the intentions on spending quality time with her. The first day was fantastic (now keep in mind that up until this point she never made it seem like she was unhappy) it was full of passion, and I felt like our hearts were bursting for each other.

Well, I was wrong.

I found out the next morning that she was on the phone with another man for multiple hours while she was just "running to the store." I lost my cool, I confronted her about it, and that's when she told me that she was done. We went from pure ecstasy to where she has "anxiety attacks" just being in the same room as me. Asked for counseling, to which she immediately declined. She's cordial with me, as I will need some time to get my ducks in a row (she will keep the house etc) and shes understanding. Its been 5 days, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for creating a void, for neglecting her emotional and physical needs. I can only sleep 1-2 hours at a time, with an average of 4 hours a night. She stays home for the most part, but she stays in the garage where she can smoke and continue to have long conversations with other men. I know about these continued conversations, and have confronted her about them but they are still happening. She tells me that these other men "make her feel better" and that she recognizes that its wrong, but part of her doesn't care as she doesn't respect me.

She said that shes not mad at me, that she doesn't hate me, that she thinks I'm a good person, and that she is "hurt that she's hurting me." I'm just seriously torn, it all seems all of a sudden, and now I feel like I've been immediately replaced. Like I said earlier, we're cordial for the most part, we spend time together as a family, and we even have times where we can both laugh. She's openly said that shes forcing herself to try to fix our marriage, that she has been trying to work on us for some time now but I never took her seriously. She acknowledges that I am trying, but that it's too late.

What am I supposed to do? I'm tore between fighting for her love again, but I also partially have resentment because she doesn't seem to care at all when it comes to talking to these other men. I have truly realized that I have peronal issues that I need to take care of and I am now focusing on myself, my health, career, and other demons that I battle. I'm trying my best to give her space, but deep down I have this incredible urge to just hold her, to make things better, to fix our marriage.
 

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She is hurt that she is hurting you, but not enough to stop?

She certainly does not respect you. If nothing else, you have to appreciate the honesty.

So this isn't the first time. Whenever she feels neglected, she seeks comfort from other men. This makes her a lousy partner, and no amount of you neglecting her makes this okay. In other words, you may be responsible for a portion of the state of the marriage, but you have zero responsibility for her choice to cheat...multiple times.

The more important question is this: why do you think so little of yourself that you are willing to tolerate this situation longer than an hour without taking action?
 

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She is an unremorseful woman whose only aims are in getting her sexual needs met. And that only ~ you don't need her because she is far removed from being wife/mother material! Only the lying, deceptive cheating skank that she has more than proven herself to be!

That being said, you need to immediately execute "the 180," meet with a good "piranha" family attorney to advise you of both your property and custodial rights, then file for divorce and also for full custody of all three kids, as she has clearly demonstrated to the world that she doesn't want them as they, like you, are in her way from living the Hedonistic style of life that she is attuned to. I'd ask the court for the maximum amount of child support with her getting the barest-bones supervised visitation that the law will allow!

You are those kids lifeline! It should preeminently be about them and you as a family right now!

Life was never meant to live this way! Rid yourself of that scourge and know that in time, you will meet a faithful and loving woman who will truly love you for the man that you are!

Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here, but you have come to preeminently the best place in the world for marital help and advice!
 

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she recently told me that "she's done."
And as much as you want to make things right, realize that she made a choice to disconnect from the marriage of her own volition. If she's choosing to stonewall you and to be done, the marriage is done as far as she's concerned. I fear your continued efforts to save this marriage will only preserve a union between you and someone who claims to be your wife but does not act like it. She's cheating on you (I dare say physically and emotionally), and she doesn't care. You deserve better.

Help me understand: your wife stays home all day, phones men in the garage while taking a smoke, after the kids are gotten off to school and while you're out working to put food on the table and keep a roof over your family's head? Yet, under these circumstances, it seems OK to you that she get the house and she get your kids in a separation/divorce? This is appalling.

First thing, stop blaming yourself for neglectfulness; it does not excuse her behavior. Second thing, get evidence of her emotional affairs; it will come in handy. Third thing, consult with a few divorce attorneys to better understand your rights in a divorce; you'll want to discuss your chances of full custody (I assume 2 kids are yours), and obligations for alimony/child support when your wife has been cheating. Fourth thing, get out of the marriage.

I typically encourage marriage counseling and attempted reconciliation to people in troubled marriages when kids are involved, if there's no physical/substance abuse and even if there were infidelity. However, reconciliation is only possible when couples share that goal for their marriage, and it doesn't seem like your wife would set that goal at present or in her future. Considering this, I would plan a graceful exit and restart your life with someone who cares enough for you to be faithful.
 

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OP,
Your wife is a spoiled child and children only respect authority. You cannot rationalize with a child, their minds are not yet developed enough to where reason and logic are comprehensible. Therefore, you must approach her as you would a rebellious teenager by first acknowledging the fallacy of her statements. Let us look at the statement she made "the other men make me feel good". This is laughable. You are providing a roof, food and most of her wants (that is an assumption but likely true) and yet these "other men" have the magical ability to say just the right thing to "make her feel good" with words, yet she cannot feel good about the roof, food and relative security you are providing? They must have some incredible insight that they are relating to her, no?

Then there is the statement "it hurts me that I am hurting you". This indicates that she is a masochist. No one would cause themselves pain if it was in their power to stop it unless they enjoyed the pain and if they did enjoy it then is it really pain? or is it pleasure? These are but two examples of her child mind. She is not mature enough to be in an adult relationship and, if you wish to continue in this with her you will have to assume the role of quasi-parent. She must be made to "behave". In other words you must stop treating her like an adult and begin dealing with her on a level that she understands.

You must put your foot down and give her consequences. No more talking to men while we are married, no more covert contact. She can still do those things just not as your wife. You must give the child punishment or they will continue to misbehave.
 

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Get your head out of your ass.

You didn't make her cheat. You may not be the perfect husband but she's cheating because she made the conscious decision to.

From all indications it's a serial thing which normally won't stop.

Quit projecting your feelings and love for her onto her. It's obvious she doesn't feel that way towards you.

Rolling over and being a patsy isn't going to do anything except cause you to have zero respect and lower your status even more if that's possible.

Get the names of the men and inform their spouses without warning. It's about you're only chance.

If you don't have the guts to do this you may as well file or you'll just wallow in this.
 

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I have to chime in and say that I agree with all the comments already posted.

OP, you are responsible for your own behavior, and in turn partially responsible for the marriage breaking down. But you are not responsible for her cheating; you didn't drive her or push her to do this, she made that choice all on her own. And YES, what she is doing is cheating. If these flirtations haven't yet become physical, it's only a matter of time. And there is such a thing as an emotional affair.

She's already checked out of this marriage. I would recommend seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce as soon as possible. Give her what she wants, and let her go. Reality will set in for her soon enough. Stop wasting your time and energy trying to win her back. A woman who would cheat on you isn't worth it.

And you also need to get yourself into counseling, 1) to deal with the emotional fallout of your marriage, and 2) to start working on you, and start fixing the parts of yourself that contributed to the marriage falling apart.

Good luck, friend. We'll help you through it. You've come to the right place.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.
 

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Chasing, trying to nice them back, etc is all a waste of time. Hard no contact is what's needed.

However, in your current mindset I doubt you have the strength or will to follow through with it.

If you don't/can't you'll just wallow in this longer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Chasing, trying to nice them back, etc is all a waste of time. Hard no contact is what's needed.

However, in your current mindset I doubt you have the strength or will to follow through with it.

If you don't/can't you'll just wallow in this longer.
Yes I agree. Right now we are cordial for the most part but I'm trying to ignore her the best I can. She still stays in the garage 90% of time we are home together, which is quite often as she works from home and I've been out of work for the past 3 years because I've been in school. Right now I'm trying to get back into the workforce with the intention on finishing my degree through night classes. We had a productive discussion today, however it was about my future living arrangements. I just don't feel like immediately jumping to the conclusion of divorce. Separation is definitely needed in order for me to truly focus on myself, my health, my career, my personal happiness. I'm hoping that through separation things could work out with short sacrifices for the long run. Or I could just be absolutely pathetic to have hope for this. Not sure, its always a roller coaster.
 

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Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.

Wake up and get out of your denial. Once she gets you out you'll never be allowed back in.

That's why the best advice is always never leave your home.

You won't listen right now but you were warned.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.

Wake up and get out of your denial. Once she gets you out you'll never be allowed back in.

That's why the best advice is always never leave your home.

You won't listen right now but you were warned.

So you're suggesting that I do not talk to her at all and prepare to be in a position if need be, leave?
 

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Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.
Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it. Do what it says to do.

Do you know who the men are that she carrying on with?

Does anyone else, like her family, know what she is doing?
 

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Yes I agree. Right now we are cordial for the most part but I'm trying to ignore her the best I can. She still stays in the garage 90% of time we are home together, which is quite often as she works from home and I've been out of work for the past 3 years because I've been in school. Right now I'm trying to get back into the workforce with the intention on finishing my degree through night classes. We had a productive discussion today, however it was about my future living arrangements. I just don't feel like immediately jumping to the conclusion of divorce. Separation is definitely needed in order for me to truly focus on myself, my health, my career, my personal happiness. I'm hoping that through separation things could work out with short sacrifices for the long run. Or I could just be absolutely pathetic to have hope for this. Not sure, its always a roller coaster.
Leaving your home is not a good idea at this point.

What you are saying is that you are willing to walk out on your children because you feel uncomfortable at home. You need to see a lawyer before you move out to make sure you do this strategically. In some states, your moving out could be viewed as abandonment and cost you big time in a divorce.

She has to stop this nonsense while you are at home because it's not just her home, it's yours too. There are ways to put a stop to her hanging out in the garage all day smoking and talking to men. Who is taking care of the children while she does this?
 

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Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.

Wake up and get out of your denial. Once she gets you out you'll never be allowed back in.

That's why the best advice is always never leave your home.

You won't listen right now but you were warned.

So you're suggesting that I do not talk to her at all and prepare to be in a position if need be, leave?
He's saying to NOT leave your home. Do not move out because she wants to cheat. As soon as you do, she is going to bring strange men into the home and around your children. Do you know what the sexual molestation rates are when this sort of thing happens?

Do not leave your home. It's your legal residence. It is the home of your children. Do not move away from your children. They need you to protect them from a mother who is acting pretty bizar. Yep, it's pretty bizar for a woman to be hiding out in the garage so she can talk to men.

Plus, if there is any chance at all of repairing your marriage, a separation will kill it. You can fix a marriage by leaving. In order to fix a marriage you two have to be under the same roof. A separation is only a stepping stone to make her cheating and a divorce easier.

If she wants to cheat, she has the option to move out. And do not allow her to take the children (at least on your children) with her. By law, she does not have the right to unilaterally remove the children from the family home... from their legal residence. See a lawyer to find out how to prevent this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.
Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it. Do what it says to do.

Do you know who the men are that she carrying on with?

Does anyone else, like her family, know what she is doing?
I have already started reading that book. The men that she is currently talking to are not local, that I know of. She plays a game on her phone and uses the LINE messaging app to communicate with the community. She is texting, calling, and video chatting with men through this app. I am not sure if her family knows that she is talking to other men.

Yes I agree. Right now we are cordial for the most part but I'm trying to ignore her the best I can. She still stays in the garage 90% of time we are home together, which is quite often as she works from home and I've been out of work for the past 3 years because I've been in school. Right now I'm trying to get back into the workforce with the intention on finishing my degree through night classes. We had a productive discussion today, however it was about my future living arrangements. I just don't feel like immediately jumping to the conclusion of divorce. Separation is definitely needed in order for me to truly focus on myself, my health, my career, my personal happiness. I'm hoping that through separation things could work out with short sacrifices for the long run. Or I could just be absolutely pathetic to have hope for this. Not sure, its always a roller coaster.
Leaving your home is not a good idea at this point.

What you are saying is that you are willing to walk out on your children because you feel uncomfortable at home.

She has to stop this nonsense while you are at home because it's not just her home, it's yours too. There are ways to put a stop to her hanging out in the garage all day smoking and talking to men. Who is taking care of the children while she does this?
To her, she has been done for some time. Things like this has happened in the past, (she got unhappy, she cheated) and to her it is a direct result from me getting too comfortable, and the fact that I enjoy playing video games. She enjoys gaming as well however this past year she would have her friend over 3/4 times a week and while they were hanging out I would play in the living room. She said that she's been unhappy for some time now, and that she's been done for some time as well. She is saying that she is completely done because the last time this happened (5 years ago) I made positive changes then about 2 years afterwards fell back into the same routine. Right now she has a serious defense mechanism that will not allow her to show feelings, or to even consider working on our marriage. She feels this way because she believes that I will only make temporary changes, nothing that will sustain.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
She also has told me that her decision to be completely done with our marriage was decided long before the talks with other men started, however, I do not believe that one bit.
 

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I have already started reading that book. The men that she is currently talking to are not local, that I know of. She plays a game on her phone and uses the LINE messaging app to communicate with the community. She is texting, calling, and video chatting with men through this app. I am not sure if her family knows that she is talking to other men.
Ok, in the book it talks about exposure to end the affair, or inappropriate activities.

That means you gather evidence. And then you expose to her family, yours and key friends who will support marriage. You tell them what she is doing and ask them to help you end her affair(s) and get her back into the marriage. The books talks about how to word this.

The book also says to contact the wives of affair partners. In this case the wives of the men she is talking to. Usually, then a man’s wife is informed that their husband is cheating. The man drops the affair partner like yesterday’s news. It’s one of the fastest ways to put an end to the nonsense she is up to. She will find out very quickly how much these men really care for her.

Do you have access to her phone bill? You can get the phone numbers of the men, do a bit of research and find their wives if they are married. And then inform their wives.
If you can get your hands on chats, emails, screen shots, etc, even better. Here is a thread that might help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

What she is doing is high risk in that she has no idea who these men or what their history is. She is not being very smart at all. Where I you, I would do a background check on each of the guys and see what sort of criminal, marriage and financial info I could find on them. If you think this is excessive, thing about the fact that at least one of these guys might be around your children someday.

To her, she has been done for some time. Things like this has happened in the past, (she got unhappy, she cheated) and to her it is a direct result from me getting too comfortable, and the fact that I enjoy playing video games. She enjoys gaming as well however this past year she would have her friend over 3/4 times a week and while they were hanging out I would play in the living room. She said that she's been unhappy for some time now, and that she's been done for some time as well. She is saying that she is completely done because the last time this happened (5 years ago) I made positive changes then about 2 years afterwards fell back into the same routine. Right now she has a serious defense mechanism that will not allow her to show feelings, or to even consider working on our marriage. She feels this way because she believes that I will only make temporary changes, nothing that will sustain.
So, she thinks she’s done right now. Don’t argue with her about it. Just do what the books says to do.
The books talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have been dealing with this for some time, so I think you need to go right to Plan B, which is pretty much the 180. You need to expose her for what she is doing, make sure your kids are safe, then tell her that if she will stop the affairs and talking to men, you would be willing to consider reconciliation. But until she stops it, you are getting on with your life.

Move to another bedroom (or some room) in your home and stay until you file for divorce and your lawyer sets up child custody and time sharing that gives you 50%.

Also, to let help her realize that divorce is real—she is the primary bread winner, right? Sue her for alimony. You can most likely get interim alimony and child support until the divorce is final. You might be able to get rehabilitative alimony after the divorce for some time period. If she pushes you to move out, make sure she knows that you will go after alimony and child support.

It’s time for you to play some hard ball. I don’t mean be an SOB, just that you stand up for yourself and your children.

Look, you were not a perfect husband. But she was clearly not a perfect wife. Her affair and bad behavior is on her. The fact is that she is still married. She clearly has no respect for marriage at all.
 
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