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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Been lurking for a long time, figured I would throw some random thoughts out just to get them off my chest.
My story isn't any different from many on here, wife cheated a few times over the course of our marriage including some ea's just through texts.
Dday almost a year ago, well the first anyhow took a few months for everything to come out.
So we are working on building something new if we can, figured we owe it to the kids, the 20 years together I am sure you know the rest.
I may ramble some just lots of random thoughts and observations, hard to speak to friends about this so here looks good.

The deception, the lies, the sex everything about it hurts but what hurts the worst is her choice. Many here have said your spouse had sex before you were married so they had that experience before, the sex part well it is more of a physical act. But I didn't know(don't know the affair partners either other than finding them on social networks) the people she was with before we were married and when we got married she made the choice that I was more important, more special than any other man and she choose to be with me. With the affairs it is clear that I am no longer that that important or special (she has worked very hard to make this right and does all that I ask) no matter what she says to me, all the I love yous and I am sorrys won't change that fact.

The sex has been bittersweet, while it has a source of bonding and a emotional release, I am amazed at how fast you can be overwhelmed after it is over, like plunging your hand in ice water the rapid change in emotions it is like you can feel yourself tearing apart inside. The thoughts that happen during have been very bad at times and there are times I think I should just stop, maybe those thoughts and mixed emotions during sex make the after that much sharper. Like many of the things that go on during this time everything has its good and bad. The person who crushed you, humiliated you is also the one who can (in most cases) heal you, sex bonds you, brings you closer but also replays the time they spent with the other person.

I think all the time of how weak and desperate I am, there is no strength in leaving or divorcing only the emptiness of failure, as well staying brings little solace, living with someone you don't trust the worry of when will it happen again, there is little comfort or peace of mind.

You stay for the kids and the dream that what you once had can come back to life.

The brutality of infidelity
Definition of BRUTAL

1
archaic : typical of beasts : animal
2
: befitting a brute: as
a : grossly ruthless or unfeeling <a brutal slander>
b : cruel, cold-blooded <a brutal attack>

A word that is used to describe war or a criminal and their crimes seems to fit so well when you talk about infidelity.

All the pictures and memories before dday seem so fake, the smiles and love they showed you while they hid their secret and shared themselves with someone else. Telling you that they love you in a text and the next text is to him maybe a reply to his dirty text or a naked pic or to set up a time to meet. Can that level of cruelity, brutality be overcome?

I guess if there are positives that have come out of this it may be that I am more sensitive and caring towards my children.
I am learning that being an alpha means you are dominate not dominating, decisive but still caring how your decisions affect others, ridgid and firm in your beliefs and standards but flexible enough to understand other points of view and seek mutual solutions to any problem that benefit all involved.
I also learned that while I am in no way responsible for what she did, I am responsible for fostering an atmosphere that was not the best for any marriage to suceed.
Finally I guess I am trying the best I can to keep working towards a goal that some days I don't no if is worth obtaining but I know is the best path in the long run.
 

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It's fine if you want to rant. That's what I just did on another post. I feel like I've learned a lot from reading things on this site, and the fact that plain old strangers can see what I see is going on in this 'marriage' of mine has also been helpful.
The best way to explain what has occurred to myself is that at the moment he decided to cheat, I was no longer the person he wanted to be with. I was not worth resisting an urge, and well, after a while, urges.
If he wants to all of a sudden change...again... after being caught in 2011...again... then that means that from the moment we married in 2008, til 2011, he has lived a single life, and I have lived a married life. But, people don't marry themselves. I totally understand what you are saying about things being bittersweet.
One second things are fine and I believe that he was sorry, and then whenever I least expect it something really bad happens. So bad, that last time the strip club called the police and he ended up in the hospital, he had called a prostitute, who he says he didn't sleep with, blew $6k at the club, and I had just lost a pregnancy. Most of my life I didn't even want children, but I believed enough that things were different now, that he wouldn't or couldn't possibly hurt me again, but he did. We have basically put ourselves in very vulnerable positions, we share our lives, goals, dreams with someone and we end up being repaid with infidelity. And at those very moments it seems that the world comes crashing down on us. But the truth is there is something called divorce, there are other people out there worth our time.

Of course it's brutal, it's primitive behavior, it shows no regard to anyone else's feelings, but to the one who isn't on the receiving end, its wonderful. They get to be 'married' and 'single', they have someone at home they can count on, someone who will make dinners, celebrate their birthdays and make them seem stable, and they have the freedom to search and destroy.

I don't have any children, right now, I believe my best option is to run for my life, well to save my life, because this isn't living.
 

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... and when we got married she made the choice that I was more important, more special than any other man and she choose to be with me. With the affairs it is clear that I am WAS no longer that that important or special (she has worked very hard to make this right and does all that I ask) no matter what she says to me, all the I love yous and I am sorrys won't change that fact.
Mistake, she thought that for while, that's for sure, you got devalued and she placed her energy elsewhere. But people change everytime. She may feel very well you are very special again. She almost lost you. It's possible. In the other hand it's obvious she's not that special for you anymore. Can't blame you for this.
 

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This is what I love about TAM, I am never the only one who feels the pain. There is always someone else out there that understands what I feel. The emptyness, the betrayal, how no matter how much they cry it all feels so fake, that burning wedding photos where she was also in them gives you strength, that looking at them in the eyes and hearing their I Love Yous and Te Amos do not mean a thing anymore. Even if you wanted, nothing they say or do is believable anymore. How can you erase the movies in your head, how can you forget the te amos in the texting, the time they ignored you, the time you spent alone caring for the children, the time you changed your clothes 4 times because you knew you were going to see her and how you ended driving alone with your child cause he did not want to leave the party because she was there. How do you even begin to forget all that. How can we even start to think we are their world again when it took them nothing to betray us like that?

Thanks for your thoughts, I hope it helped you to ramble cause your rambling made me remember I am not alone in this!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Good place to vent
One of the hardest things I have found is finding someone to talk to about this, sure you talk to your spouse but of course their's is a skewed view because they are involved. I have talked with a good friend a few times but I do feel a bit strange talking about this with others so here is a great place to unburden myself.
Just like watching Nascar or hockey people always like to see blood and there is a wealth of it here, fresh deliveries daily. (some sick humor from a sick mind)
 
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