[DiZ]

Being with someone is so hard. Why did I not experience his with my marriage of 23 years? I guess it is because I was so busy bringing up three kids by myself (husband traveled a lot) that I did not even think about sex, affection, all the work involved to keep a marriage going. That is one reason he left I suppose.

Not that I am older and with someone, no kids to bring up, no kids in the house, no one but us two, things are clearer. The differences between him and I are so staggering and I get so unhappy sometimes. I just do not remember going through all this with my marriage.

Our senses of humor are completely different. I don't think he is funny and he doesn't think I am funny.

Our philosophy of life are different. He thinks money or how much one makes and what material things one has shows what a success a person is in life. I feel that is wrong. I feel as long as a person is good and enjoys life and doesn't hurt one another, they can be a ditch digger and live in a small apt. with nothing, they can still be considered a success.

He can go for days without touching me (o but needs sex just about every night which I give him) and it's ok.

SIGH I just feel like in the 4 yrs. we have been together my nerves have been through WW1 and WW2 combined. I am just so tired of it all. I love him but sometimes love just isn't enough. I was happier single, there I said it. I hate to say it but I was, more content.

Stupidly I have nowhere to go. I moved in with him, don't have my own car, don't have a job. GOD why did I allow myself to get into this situation? Yes it is my fault, I blame no one.

 

[Chelle D]

Can you get out??
Do you have a friend or family member that will help you out? Or let you stay with them while you figure things out?

I mean.. it doesn't sound like he is being abusive.... So I don't think you have an immediate need to leave. But, that doesn't stop you from planning it , does it?

Look for a better job.. Look to start saving some money... Getting yourself to a situation that you can afford a car, etc ,etc. True, it might take a few years.

And the situation between you & your mate (2nd hubby?) might completely change by then. If so, great. Keep yourself above water, so that if you ever need to leave, you can.

But, if things continue, and in a few years you have the means to leave, and you are still "just not happy". You can do it. It might even bring up your mood, if you can start making a long term plan to leave.. just for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck.

 

[YupItsMe]

it might take a few years

In the mean time just keep deceitfully using the guy to pay your bills? Is this what you are suggesting? Any concern abut her self-respect diminishing into a pile of someone elses cancelled checks and a luandry basket full of soiled undergarments?

I would suggest something more worthy so you dont trade your integrity for security at who knows what personal toll

 

[DiZ]

Thanks for the replies.

I think a lot of it is me, I need to change. I get what I think is passive aggressive and did not even know it. I will look sad and he'll ask what is wrong and I won't tell him not wanting to be selfish.

Money isn't an issue. I have a big inheritance and give him more than my share every month. I also do most of the household cleaning, my own laundry and such.

I do not have anywhere else to go.

He is a very generous man, too much so sometimes with his own kids and then complains when we are off budget that month.

I just need more touching (not talking about sex). Today he touched me and said there I touched you while looking out the picture window at a neighbor. WOW how wonderful! He just does not get it.

 

[DiZ]

In the mean time just keep deceitfully using the guy to pay your bills? Is this what you are suggesting? Any concern abut her self-respect diminishing into a pile of someone elses cancelled checks and a luandry basket full of soiled undergarments?

I would suggest something more worthy so you dont trade your integrity for security at who knows what personal toll

He is not being used. If anyone is I am. I give him more than my share of money from an inheritance every month. He is not paying my bills. I have my self respect in that respect.

 

[indiecat]

Would he agree to read the book His Needs, Her Needs?
It would open the lines of communication greatly.
Do you tell him that you love him? Do you hug him?

When he touches you and then says 'there I touched you' do you explain that you find that a bit sarcastic and hurtful.

Hopefully you have your own hobbies and interests. If you have an inheritance why can't you get yourself a car? It's your money so don't let him dictate what you do with it.

 

[Chelle D]

Sorry... I had assumed that it also was a monetary stifling situation, more that she was just not in a place where she could leave.

She doesn't say she wants to leave.. I think she just has that feeling like she's frustrated about being unhappy. And since she mentioned the car.. I guess I assumed she wanted to be able to "Up & leave" if she wanted.

Like she said, I think it was a rant/vent. shoot... I may vent about hubby, and feel better for letting it out, then my opinion change completely the next day.

And no- I did not say she should be decietfully using his money. (Boy, you must really be married to a whopper of a gold digger there, huh?) I was meaning that she should still work on making the marriage happier... that maybe things will improve by the time she would be able to afford a car & just go if she wanted (Like I said, that part was my assumption.)

 

[DiZ]

thanks everyone. I was just venting, things are a bit better. He has really put forth an effort to be more affectionate. He is suffering from sciatica and I understand that most of his mind and efforts are on his pain. It is hard living with pain everyday I know and hate that I even say anything to him as then I feel like I am putting my needs first and being selfish.

I did let him know that when he said there I touched you I felt hurt and that he was being sarcastic. I told him I would rather he not touch me at all if he is going to do that. He said he was sorry.

 

[DiZ]

Sorry... I had assumed that it also was a monetary stifling situation, more that she was just not in a place where she could leave.

She doesn't say she wants to leave.. I think she just has that feeling like she's frustrated about being unhappy. And since she mentioned the car.. I guess I assumed she wanted to be able to "Up & leave" if she wanted.

Like she said, I think it was a rant/vent. shoot... I may vent about hubby, and feel better for letting it out, then my opinion change completely the next day.

And no- I did not say she should be decietfully using his money. (Boy, you must really be married to a whopper of a gold digger there, huh?) I was meaning that she should still work on making the marriage happier... that maybe things will improve by the time she would be able to afford a car & just go if she wanted (Like I said, that part was my assumption.)

You do not need to apologize. Some people always think if every situation in forms of money. My man is like that. Your post was very helpful.

 

[CanadianGuy]

He has touched you physically but not emotionally.

If you want more hugs and touching from him go and give it.

 

[Chelle D]

I just need more touching (not talking about sex). Today he touched me and said there I touched you while looking out the picture window at a neighbor.

LOL.. I can imagine me & hubby... If hubby took a finger & touched my shoulder & said "There I touched you". I would have grabbed his had & put it toward my chest or 'tween the legs & said "THere! NOW you've touched me."

Diz- Just joking around now, because you seem to feel better than when you vented..
Hope everything keeps improving.

 

[Faithful Wife]

If you have money, then you do have somewhere to go. You just rent or buy yourself a place.

You said you were happier single. Please go and get yourself a place and be single again.