[east2west]

My time on TAM has made me realize how poorly prepared most people are for the ultimate sexual relationship; marriage. As we grow up, most of us have our heads filled with all kinds of nonsense beliefs about sex. I'll list some of the major ones that I see to get the conversation started.

* Your parents don't have sex. Marriage without sex is perfectly normal and fine.
* It's all about who someone is "inside". Physical appearances don't matter.
* Satisfying sex is not an important criteria in selecting a spouse.
* A deteriorating sex life is perfectly normal in a healthy marriage. It is practically inevitable as people get older and more busy with family responsibilities.
* Sexual fetishes and non-vanilla sexual desires are a type of sickness.
* Women only like to be pampered and like sex to be slow and romantic in nature.
* Men only care about "one thing".

I'm sure the list could go on and on but those are a few off the top of my head. I don't want my kids growing up with these ideas about sex. But I'm not quite sure what they should believe in.

I don't care what their sexual interests are. But I want them to become comfortable with their sexual thoughts. I want them to be good at communicating with their partners. I want them to know how to pick sexual partners, and to know how to attract the right type of people to meet their needs and vice versa. When the time comes, I want them to chose their spouse with wisdom and maturity.

So, the question is, how do I do that?

 

[that_girl]

Give them a good example. If you can't do that, talk about sex openly but seriously. Share "secrets" of marriage and how to make it work. I do this with my 13 year old.

 

[east2west]

Give them a good example. If you can't do that, talk about sex openly but seriously. Share "secrets" of marriage and how to make it work. I do this with my 13 year old.

Assuming our sex life is awesome, how do we make an example for the kids? I mean, most parents try to pretend they never have sex which cannot be the right way, but what is the right way?

What are some of the secrets that you share with your 13 year old?

 

[TCSRedhead]

I agree with that_girl, lead by example. By having a healthy sexual relationship, you begin to show that it is possible. It's also important to talk about everything! Talk about what you read in the news, what's happening all around you. Don't act squeamish about talking about sex or bodies. I never called them cutesy names or hid my body from my kids if they walked into my room or bathroom.

When you create this environment, your kids don't think twice about talking about sex.
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[TCSRedhead]

You don't have to parade your sex life per se, but hubby and I would kiss, touch each other affectionately, or disappear into the bathroom for a quickie. Kids see that we are affectionate and intimate and that becomes 'normal'.
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[that_girl]

My H and I are openly flirtatious and affectionate with each other. We get "caught" by our kids while kissing in the kitchen

When my daughter says "EW, GROSS!" about sex or kissing, I just say, "It's part of a healthy marriage! you'll see someday!"

When it comes to our "girl talks" we talk about relationships and sex and marriage and how things work best. My values may not be everyone else's, so I will just say to teach YOUR child your values. We have open talks about sex and I do tell her how important passion is in a marriage.

But right now, it's mostly what she sees. She sees us pinch butts and sneak kisses. Sure she's probably grossed out, but it is the norm here so hopefully it will be her norm when she grows up.

 

[TrustInUs]

Great post. A lot of those on the list are things I've had to deal with, especially the first one. I plan to be as open as possible, especially with my girls because I don't want them to be as misinformed as I was. I am also very affectionate and respectful to my H so that they will see what a healthly relationship is like..... I did not have that growing up.

We've also decided that when the kids get older and start to know what's going on, we won't go out of our way to hide or pretend that we don't have sex. But will explain as best we can and age appropriately.