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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for five years and have a two-year old son. My wife would like to have another and very soon. Since just before we married, our intimacy seemed to fade just a little, and has gradually faded ever since we've been married. My wife has never been very sexual, whereas I am very into it, which really takes away from the connection we have in that regard. We are both each other's first and only sexual partner.

To further compound things, I have recently become very attracted to a woman who began working with me a few months ago. I have never made any advances at her, but cannot stop thinking about her when I leave the office. Our conversations have never been flirtatious, as we have talked about our future with the company and things we've done in our past. I only see her during small portions of the day and we have enjoyed lunch a few times as well as chatted in emails. She is very engaging and so much fun to be around, which makes always want to be around her. I haven't felt this happy around someone since when my wife and I dated, which was eight years ago. Her personality has sucked me in, as my wife is the complete opposite, which at times, makes it difficult to go home, despite the fact that I really love my son. That being said, if I was still a single guy, I would have asked her out a long time ago, but as it stands, I would feel incredibly guilty and refuse to cheat.

So, as you can see, I'm at a crossroads. My wife and I already feel distant, and to compound things, my heart beats heavily to the thought of how happy I could be with this other woman. She is everything I wish my wife was. Despite our distant connection, my wife is a good mother, but it feels like we are "roommates" with a child. The fact that she wants another makes things even more complicated. Any advice would be really appreciated as this has been weighing heavily on me. In the end, I just want to be happy and with someone who I can share that happiness and emotional connection with.
 

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Dude, get your crap together. A woman gives you some attention and you are ready to walk away from your wife and family. Shakes head in disgust.
 

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GreatLight

Step back. Flirting and having an emotional connection with this woman (even if one way) is wrong.

You should be putting effort into your wife and family.

And you can have a great connection with your wife but it takes two. Not one.

And as much as you say you are there I do not really think you are there for your wife if your thoughts are of another.

It is time to sit down with your wife and be truthful.

She deserves the truth and you need to be honest with her and yourself.

Stop with the girl at work. That is just fantasy and focus on you, your wife and your marriage.

HM64'
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I understand all of your points. To clarify, I have never flirted with my co-worker, or any other woman I have worked with over the course of my career or marriage. That being said, this is the only one that has made me feel this way over the entire course of my marriage. I remember when my wife made me feel this same way. It's a great feeling and hard not to look back and question things. Did I just marry her because I was lonely or the fact that she was my first love? You really do question things at times like this, and in a normal case, I SHOULD ignore thoughts of someone else. The only person that knows how I feel about the other woman is me, as I would never verbalize it. As men, we have urges, and in most cases, we know it's wrong to act on them. It's just hard given how connected I feel.

My wife and I talk about where our marriage is and do feel that we can work it out. It might just be a temporary rut, which is hopefully true. Psychologically, I may see this other woman as an escape from reality. I would never act on my urges and use a woman in that manner, either. I will continue to try and fight for what should be, but I still work with the unattached woman.
 

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I understand all of your points. To clarify, I have never flirted with my co-worker, or any other woman I have worked with over the course of my career or marriage. That being said, this is the only one that has made me feel this way over the entire course of my marriage. I remember when my wife made me feel this same way. It's a great feeling and hard not to look back and question things. Did I just marry her because I was lonely or the fact that she was my first love?

There's a good chance that you'll find yourself looking back one day and wondering, "Did I leave my wife just because this other woman made me feel good or because I was really unhappy in my marriage" if you don't focus on addressing your marriage issues fully, with your wife, and without OW's involvement.

You really do question things at times like this, and in a normal case, I SHOULD ignore thoughts of someone else. The only person that knows how I feel about the other woman is me, as I would never verbalize it. As men, we have urges, and in most cases, we know it's wrong to act on them. It's just hard given how connected I feel.

You may need to find a way to withdraw from that situation. You can't simply "ignore" it, but you do have a duty to your marriage that comes before all others. You made a contract in that regard, remember?

My wife and I talk about where our marriage is and do feel that we can work it out. It might just be a temporary rut, which is hopefully true. Psychologically, I may see this other woman as an escape from reality. I would never act on my urges and use a woman in that manner, either. I will continue to try and fight for what should be, but I still work with the unattached woman.
 

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All I can say is that in my case I changed jobs and saved my marriage.

The only relevance I see in your wife not being so sexual is that it left you somewhat vulnerable. But that said in your current state you are doing some rationalization. I am not saying this in a mean way. It is a natural mental protective reaction. You know what you are feeling is wrong and the back of your brain is trying to help you out by raionalizing it.

Look. If you love your wife you have to go no cantact with this woman. I say if you have to change jobs then do so. If you can convince this woman to change departments then do so.

This does however get into a gray area of ethics. The bottomline is she works for you, you really have to change that. This is NOT her fault so it is not right to hold her accountable for this. But that said, you need to figure the most equitible way to separate. You changing jobs is very noble. If however you can figure out another reasonable way to put some distance between you ... do so. Perhaps this woman has indicated an interest in another area of the company. Is there a role you could move to.

Again this is a tough one and I changed jobs. My role was very high up the technology ladder so this was a big deal.
 

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OP,

You need to "snap out of it" you have a wife and child who need you.
If you feel your mariage is in a rut then do something about it, steer back onto the road. Put some time and effort into your relationship with your wife. Do not spend time fantasizing about some woman at work.
 

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Hi Great Light,

My husband is having an affair with a connection through his work. When I probed him (which I wish I hadn’t now) he said he was blown away and it felt like he’d known her before. A real fantasy and infatuation! She’s 14 years his junior, always sweet and on her best behaviour.

He allowed his work to stress him so much at the beginning of last year that it turned into depression, so when O/W turns up bam!! Let’s self medicate with an affair. Totally out of character for him and goes against everything he has ever believed in. Depression is a funny thing; however, it is not an excuse. And by god is that depression got bad since I found out – he’s living in hell with guilt right now.

So, when I tried to get to the bottom of this, he told me that we were not having much sex! Hey!! So I reminded him that he was the one with stress etc and was suffering ED. It made things awkward to initiate sex with him as “I” didn’t want to embarrass the guy and he didn’t want to talk about it! Anyway I was that mad – I told him, “I’ve been going without, being considerate to you and you blame me for not enough sex and go off and have an affair”. I told him straight! “In my mind H you gave me nowhere near enough sex to satisfy me thank you very much!”,” but I didn’t go out to find someone else”, I told him that I was not going to be seen as being frigid when I am not – Bullsh*t!

What I am trying to say here, communication is EVERYTHING! And if I had of been told what the hell was going on in his mind, I would have VERY happy to hear it; instead I now have a marriage on the brink of divorce! Tell your wife how you feel, please tell her and be honest. Please give her a chance to put things right. She may have a few things to air with you too.

Good luck
 

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Greatlight,

I understand where you. I really really do. I'll leave all of my pessimistic, cynical BS out of my response to you.

This is dangerous. I've been there. Not so much with an emotional connection but a pure physical one. I did not act on it and I am SO SO SO grateful to God for giving me the strength not to when it was being served on a silver platter.

Go back to that day when she said I do. Remember that intense feeling you had for her? It is more than likely still there inside both of you. Fight for that man. With everything you have.

KathyBatesel said it best. If you don't you'll question the break up of your marriage forever. I'm not saying your wife doesn't have a part to play in all of this, just that you are the one who's emotionally starting to stray.
 
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