[After28Years]

Hi all. Just up at 4am (haven't slept all night) and needed a place to vent a little. it seeems to help.
background: husband left me for a girl half his age (he's 50) last october on our 28th anniversary, our divorce was finalized this Monday the 15th. 3 boys, 1 in heaven, 1-26, 1-24.
So, I just need to vent I guess. I'm really lonely. I actually felt happy and strong the months leading up to the divorce, then all of a sudden when it was 'FINALIZED' and 'THE DATE' on the papers staring me in the face, I kind of broke down into a really bad depression. All last week, all I did was lay in bed and sleep. seriously. I'd wake up to eat & that's about it. I laid there & cried and cried until I literally was dehydrated. -I've been through 'grief' before- our oldest son passed away 6 years ago at age 21 due to congenital heart defects. I've been through all the grief groups, I know what mistakes I made last time that I won't make this time: don't 'hide' my feelings; dont' pretend like i'm okay when i'm not; take it easy on myself because grief does a number on you physically and mentally' etc. i know all that. i get really scared because i feel like i just barely made it out of my first grief (losing a son), i truly thought i wasn't going to make it, it was so hard. i tried to rush the process, but it took me about 2 years to really heal and actually be able to function again. now i'm going through this horrific divorce, (which came straight out of the blue- the day before he left to go out of town for work, he promised me 'we'll have the best next 28 years of our lives! i love you!'
-then 9 months later, walked through the door & said 'i'm leaving you- i met a 25 yr old girl and we're getting married. let's get divorced.' threw me into an alternate reality. he never cheated before.
anyway, ... i am going through extreme ups and downs. some days i try really hard to 'do everything perfect', then i just get exhausted and give up, and go lay in bed, i just want to stop the world and get off of it for a while.
My son was on the heart transplant list, and he passed before they could get one for him. He was suffering alot towards the end of his life, i was praying for God to either heal him or take him home to heaven. I thought I was 'prepared'- since we knew he had congenital heart defects at birth, the drs. told us all this would happen, -but once he actually died, I went into a severe 2-year depression, -made Worse by the fact that I was trying so Hard to Not Act depressed.
So anyway, I know I'm rambling, -i haven't slept in 2 days. this week was really, really hard. When the divorce was 'finalized' on monday, i thought i'd be relieved- but i just spiraled down. i guess that's normal?
thanks for listening, it helps to write. hope i'm not the only one going through this, anyone else have trouble sleeping too? well, thanks all- God Bless. -After28Years

 

[After28Years]

 

[Decorum]

Im praying for you.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[happyman64]

After28

My condolences for your son.

Do not spiral down. It is ok to mourn the loss of your marriage but you truly have much to be grateful for.

The fact is you have had 3 sons. My wife blessed me with 3 daughters (18,12,11). Did I want one boy at least? You bet.

Did God want me to have one? I guess not.

I am so happy to just have the time with them today because who really knows what tomorrow brings.

What I am really trying to say is mourn the loss of your marriage for a few days then get the hell out of bed, call your 2 boys and tell them that you love them.

Then sit down and decide what you want out of the next stage of your life.

Maybe it is to find a new love.
Maybe it is to find a new job.
Or maybe it is to travel on your own.

Or quite possibly it is to forgive your exh for marrying a girl that is the same age as your boys??? Like that relationship is gong to last.

I am sure your depression and his depression over the Loss of your son hurt both of you.

Now it is time to leave those hurts behind.

You have a life to live After28.

Don't you wanna know what comes next after 28 years??

I know I do..........

Good Luck

HM64

 

[Raffles]

Feeling your pain.. Vent all u want to.. That's why I recently joined, to vent. I think we r all just needing a place where we can tell it how it is.. Keep your chin up, I think your amazing to get to where u r, after losing a child.. Your obviously a strong woman and u will get thru this.

 

[didntcitcoming]

I am very very sorry about your son. I can only imagine as a parent myself how hard that must be. As for the POS you call your husband. Let him go, I'm sure a 50 yr old and a 25 yr old will make it just fine.....what could they possibly have in common?? Maybe they could talk about how he used to change her diapers or maybe he babysat sat her when she was 2 and he was in his late 20's!!! The nerve. I can tell you as soon as I found out about wife's affair the D papers were signed the next day!

Just went to the movies with my HS daughter this weekend and she wanted to see Perks of Being a High School Wallflower. The best line I have ever heard was in that movie (I would highly recommend that movie by the way)

:smthumbup:You accept the love you think you deserve!:smthumbup:

 

[justabovewater]

Hi 28,

I too am in a similar situation. We were married 23 years when he said he wanted out. We were together almost 28 years. I had been with this man since I was 19 and know nothing else. I knew our marriage was in trouble and had been for many if not most of the time we were married. I just always figured we'd work through it.

Anyway, in the 16 months since he's been gone I've been up and down on the depression roller coaster, but slowly came out of it. Last weekend I was hit by the realization that he is now seeing someone. It's a long distance relationship, she is 1000 miles away, but it kills me to know that he's possibly in love with someone else. I guess what makes it worse is that he denies he's in a relationship with her. I don't know why he does this. I thought, considering the separation that we've had (amicable and friendly) that he'd have the respect and integrity to be up front and honest with me. Is that too much to ask? Wait. Don't answer, I have a feeling I know what everyone will say.

Since finding this out (I found pictures on the internet of them together), I have been literally sick to my stomach at times. After feeling like this since finding out about them I am scared to death of how I am going to react when he finally files for divorce.

I just feel like this is never going to be over. That I'm never going to get over him. It's all so very sad to me.

 

[ridel1171]

I'm so glad you could come here and vent. I too have learned the hard way that pretending you're okay is the most damaging thing you can do to yourself. We think we're protecting others but in doing so we're causing ourselves so much harm.

You have been through the two worst things that can happen to a person - death of a child and divorce - you aren't okay and you won't be for a while. And you know what? That's okay.

Wrap yourself in cotton wool. Only do the things you enjoy and minimise the things you don't. Reach out to people anyway you can.

Are you seeing a counsellor? I would be lost without mine. Having someone to talk to and not having to take their thoughts or feelings into account is incredibly freeing when you're a natural caretaker.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

 

[dixieangel]

I am so sorry for your pain. That is just too much to go through back to back. It is very therapeutic to vent. This is a good place. You have to go through the grieving process and all the emotions that come with it...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. It is going to take time to heal.

If you are having too much trouble functioning, you may want to try an antidepressant medication short term. Just be sure to talk to the doctor about tapering the dosages down gradually when you want to stop taking them to avoid side effects.

When we are greiving, we always seem to ask 'why'? What is the reason for the bad things that happen to us. We can become bitter and resentful. I recently read a book called, "why bad things happen to good people". It addresses that question because when we can find that answer we can be more at peace. It gives many examples of people going through traumatic experiences and how they eventually found something good came from it. With you, it may be that you will find a career in the medical field and can help others and their families with heart defects. Having gone through this with your son, it would give you an understanding and empathy that not everyone has. This would turn the tragedy of the loss of your son into something rewarding. Most people didn't actively pursue an answer to the why of their tragedy, but in time, it became apparent to them and was helpful in their recovery and ability to live a full life again.

My heart goes out to you and I wish for you comfort and rest.

 

[ChknNoodleSoup]

I'm so sorry! That is a lot to deal with. Give me your husband's digits, I'd love punch him in the balls for you. Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[After28Years]

HappyMan, thank you thank you thank you. that is just what i needed to hear, really. when i was reading your post it was just like my mom was talking in my ear, that's EXACTLY what she would say, (and she knew me and loved me more than anybody on earth.)
your response was kind but practical. thank you so much. i can't thank you enough. this is a turning point for me. thank you HM.
-After28Y

 

[happyman64]

HappyMan, thank you thank you thank you. that is just what i needed to hear, really. when i was reading your post it was just like my mom was talking in my ear, that's EXACTLY what she would say, (and she knew me and loved me more than anybody on earth.)
your response was kind but practical. thank you so much. i can't thank you enough. this is a turning point for me. thank you HM.
-After28Y

Reach out to me anytime After28 or you can PM me.

It is a little crazy because of Hurricane Sandy but I do check in daily.

Start planning.......

HM64

 

[Conrad]

Reach out to me anytime After28 or you can PM me.

It is a little crazy because of Hurricane Sandy but I do check in daily.

Start planning.......

HM64

Stay safe brother.

 

[happyman64]

Stay safe brother.

Thanks Conrad.

It is really getting bad now and people are starting to act desperate for food, water and gasoline.

I will not get heat or electricity until next week.

Thank God I have family that has electricity back.

Back to work tomorrow for a few hours.

I will throw some pics up sometime soon.

 

[Conrad]

Thanks Conrad.

It is really getting bad now and people are starting to act desperate for food, water and gasoline.

I will not get heat or electricity until next week.

Thank God I have family that has electricity back.

Back to work tomorrow for a few hours.

I will throw some pics up sometime soon.

Civilization is a very thin veneer.

Watch your back.