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18 Posts
Hi all. Just up at 4am (haven't slept all night) and needed a place to vent a little. it seeems to help.
background: husband left me for a girl half his age (he's 50) last october on our 28th anniversary, our divorce was finalized this Monday the 15th. 3 boys, 1 in heaven, 1-26, 1-24.
So, I just need to vent I guess. I'm really lonely. I actually felt happy and strong the months leading up to the divorce, then all of a sudden when it was 'FINALIZED' and 'THE DATE' on the papers staring me in the face, I kind of broke down into a really bad depression. All last week, all I did was lay in bed and sleep. seriously. I'd wake up to eat & that's about it. I laid there & cried and cried until I literally was dehydrated. -I've been through 'grief' before- our oldest son passed away 6 years ago at age 21 due to congenital heart defects. I've been through all the grief groups, I know what mistakes I made last time that I won't make this time: don't 'hide' my feelings; dont' pretend like i'm okay when i'm not; take it easy on myself because grief does a number on you physically and mentally' etc. i know all that. i get really scared because i feel like i just barely made it out of my first grief (losing a son), i truly thought i wasn't going to make it, it was so hard. i tried to rush the process, but it took me about 2 years to really heal and actually be able to function again. now i'm going through this horrific divorce, (which came straight out of the blue- the day before he left to go out of town for work, he promised me 'we'll have the best next 28 years of our lives! i love you!'
-then 9 months later, walked through the door & said 'i'm leaving you- i met a 25 yr old girl and we're getting married. let's get divorced.' threw me into an alternate reality. he never cheated before.
anyway, ... i am going through extreme ups and downs. some days i try really hard to 'do everything perfect', then i just get exhausted and give up, and go lay in bed, i just want to stop the world and get off of it for a while.
My son was on the heart transplant list, and he passed before they could get one for him. He was suffering alot towards the end of his life, i was praying for God to either heal him or take him home to heaven. I thought I was 'prepared'- since we knew he had congenital heart defects at birth, the drs. told us all this would happen, -but once he actually died, I went into a severe 2-year depression, -made Worse by the fact that I was trying so Hard to Not Act depressed.
So anyway, I know I'm rambling, -i haven't slept in 2 days. this week was really, really hard. When the divorce was 'finalized' on monday, i thought i'd be relieved- but i just spiraled down. i guess that's normal?
thanks for listening, it helps to write.
hope i'm not the only one going through this, anyone else have trouble sleeping too? well, thanks all- God Bless. -After28Years
background: husband left me for a girl half his age (he's 50) last october on our 28th anniversary, our divorce was finalized this Monday the 15th. 3 boys, 1 in heaven, 1-26, 1-24.
So, I just need to vent I guess. I'm really lonely. I actually felt happy and strong the months leading up to the divorce, then all of a sudden when it was 'FINALIZED' and 'THE DATE' on the papers staring me in the face, I kind of broke down into a really bad depression. All last week, all I did was lay in bed and sleep. seriously. I'd wake up to eat & that's about it. I laid there & cried and cried until I literally was dehydrated. -I've been through 'grief' before- our oldest son passed away 6 years ago at age 21 due to congenital heart defects. I've been through all the grief groups, I know what mistakes I made last time that I won't make this time: don't 'hide' my feelings; dont' pretend like i'm okay when i'm not; take it easy on myself because grief does a number on you physically and mentally' etc. i know all that. i get really scared because i feel like i just barely made it out of my first grief (losing a son), i truly thought i wasn't going to make it, it was so hard. i tried to rush the process, but it took me about 2 years to really heal and actually be able to function again. now i'm going through this horrific divorce, (which came straight out of the blue- the day before he left to go out of town for work, he promised me 'we'll have the best next 28 years of our lives! i love you!'
-then 9 months later, walked through the door & said 'i'm leaving you- i met a 25 yr old girl and we're getting married. let's get divorced.' threw me into an alternate reality. he never cheated before.
anyway, ... i am going through extreme ups and downs. some days i try really hard to 'do everything perfect', then i just get exhausted and give up, and go lay in bed, i just want to stop the world and get off of it for a while.
My son was on the heart transplant list, and he passed before they could get one for him. He was suffering alot towards the end of his life, i was praying for God to either heal him or take him home to heaven. I thought I was 'prepared'- since we knew he had congenital heart defects at birth, the drs. told us all this would happen, -but once he actually died, I went into a severe 2-year depression, -made Worse by the fact that I was trying so Hard to Not Act depressed.
So anyway, I know I'm rambling, -i haven't slept in 2 days. this week was really, really hard. When the divorce was 'finalized' on monday, i thought i'd be relieved- but i just spiraled down. i guess that's normal?
thanks for listening, it helps to write.