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I recently met with a counselor (IC, my first time) and showed him my list of questions that I gave my wife (PA 6-7 years ago, D-Day a month ago). His response was don't ask if the answer is not going to help you. I don't know if they will help, if I want to know the answers to all, or what. Here is the list, what do you think?

How did it move from friends to lovers?

Was there a “turning point?” An event that caused the change or was it just time?

Are you or is he more responsible for moving in that direction?

Who was the aggressor? Both in general relationship and sex.
How many times?

Locations? (Specific. Not just “his house” or “our house” but where!)

When was the first and when was the last?

Details: ugh…..

What discussions did you have with him about the affair? The emotional side? The physical side?

How did it end? Just fizzle out? Who ended it? Did you say “I love you but…”

Did you ever tell him that you choose me over him?

How did I weigh in the decision to stop the affair?

Did you tell each other “I love you?”

Who else knows? Obviously you two, me, ******. Anyone else?

Did you suffer from withdrawals after the affair ended?

How close were you to divorcing me? Did you think about it then?

You met with a counselor a while ago. What did you discuss with her? When was it? How many times?

When and where have you seen him since the affair ended?

Have you talked to him since the affair?
 

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All sound reasonable to me - be prepared for either:

Some harsh truths

or

Some insulting lies.

It's difficult to know which are which and sometimes you only realise some time after.

Your spouse needs to be fully on board before you attempt this. It's the lies that nearly and might yet destroy our reconciliation.

Finally, maybe think about prioritising the questions as there is an awful lot to answer in there. Sometimes it might take an hour just to get to the bottom of one question...
 

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As far as I can see, whatever questions about the affair that you want answered, should be willingly answered by a betraying spouse. If they lie, or try to trickle truth or BS you in other ways, they aren't really interested in a reconciliation.Honesty is the most important thing here.
 

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As a wayward myself the only one I see that gives me any pause is asking her about her time with a counselor. Other than that they're all more than fair game.

Just be prepared for some really painful answers. If she answers and you walk away thinking "that wasn't so bad" she lied her ass off.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Was told by a friend. The AP had broken down about a year before and told him. He carried it for a year and then couldn't keep it anymore.
 

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I recently met with a counselor (IC, my first time) and showed him my list of questions that I gave my wife (PA 6-7 years ago, D-Day a month ago). His response was don't ask if the answer is not going to help you. I don't know if they will help, if I want to know the answers to all, or what. Here is the list, what do you think?

How did it move from friends to lovers?

Was there a “turning point?” An event that caused the change or was it just time?

Are you or is he more responsible for moving in that direction?

Who was the aggressor? Both in general relationship and sex.
How many times?

Locations? (Specific. Not just “his house” or “our house” but where!)

When was the first and when was the last?

Details: ugh…..

What discussions did you have with him about the affair? The emotional side? The physical side?

How did it end? Just fizzle out? Who ended it? Did you say “I love you but…”

Did you ever tell him that you choose me over him?

How did I weigh in the decision to stop the affair?

Did you tell each other “I love you?”

Who else knows? Obviously you two, me, ******. Anyone else?

Did you suffer from withdrawals after the affair ended?

How close were you to divorcing me? Did you think about it then?

You met with a counselor a while ago. What did you discuss with her? When was it? How many times?

When and where have you seen him since the affair ended?

Have you talked to him since the affair?
The BH needs to control the level of detail.

He has the right to know everything. Though he does not have to ask for everything.

Once a question has been answered it can not be unheard. Though knowing the truth will stop the BH from imagining over and over how bad was it that WW and OM did.

So the best way is to talk about what happened tue and thur evenings for an hour at a time. This way time to process what was heard. Re think what you want to ask. Leaves the weekends to work on recovery. Also the breaks in asking is needed beause it will be draining to ask, hear, and tell about the affair.

Ask general questions first then get specific as needed.
 

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If these are things you wanna know about, it's reasonable, it is not for anyone to question that. My list was much longer.

You may want to split it up. Prepare for it to take some time to get through them. And prepare for some very ugly visions and movies, especially details such as how and where (for me they were absolutely necessary. I told her I wouldn't even consider to continue with her if she didn't answer my questions honestly.)

How come you don't have the answers yet if it's a month ago you handed them to her?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
cpacan: i have the answers to some, others i have put on hold because i am not so sure i want to hear them
 

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I think you have the RIGHT to the answers to all of these questions. Just before you ask them please try and prepare yourself as best you can for the answers as they will likely filet you. As a BS myself I can attest to the pain of hearing it come out of their mouth. sometimes I already know the answer when I ask the question BUT hearing him SAY it- its a level of pain not easily described so brace yourself. And as Sigma said, if it only mildly stings, consider that you may not have the whole truth. Not saying thats always true but its true most times I would imagine. I would say 8/10 times when I ask a question, even if I know the answer, when he gives it, the words leaving his lips is way worse than I expect. When he says her name, it stings like salt in a wound. Just be prepared the best you can and try not to show too much emotion. Listen to all you can then excuse yourself and let the emotion out somewhere else. If she sees too much emotion, it may prevent further truth from her.
 

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Many of the questions seem to be dancing around the same theme. Such as how much she was aggressive in starting, progressing, and ending the affair. I don't have a better list but there is one floating around perhaps on this forum? Maybe I saw it in the book "After the Affair".

The wording in your questions reads a bit like you are looking for her level of commitment then and now to your marriage. If you give her the choice of who was more aggressive, her or OM, it gives her the easy out of saying it was all him. I think more specific factual questions might give you better answers about how things progressed.

Getting to her mindset is going to be tough. Her memory is going to a factor after all of these years. Some answers will legitimately be "I don't remember". Others she may be vague or even incorrectly remember. A frequent recommendation on this forum is to have her write down a very detailed timeline as best she remembers it.

Just random off the top of my head:

How/where did she first meet him?
When specifically did she first meet him?
How did they communicate before the affair started? (cell, email, in person, etc)
Did she complain to him about you or the state of the marriage before the affair started?
Did he complain about his marriage or wife before the affair started?
Where were they when they first kissed? First hugged?
How did they communicate once the affair started?
Where did they meet for sex?
Was anyone else ever there during their sex?
Were any pictures or videos of sex ever taken?
Was anyone else ever there when they had dates (like dinner or movie dates)?
Who else knew of the affair?
How many times did they have any kind of sexual contact?
When did the sex start? (broadest definition of sex)
When was the last sex? (broadest definition of sex)
When was their last communication?
When did she last see him in person?
Did he give her any gifts? (you will want to dispose of these asap)
Did she give him any gifts?
Who paid for meals, drinks, hotels, etc?
What clothes did she wear for any of their meetings? (dispose of these asap)
Does she have any trinkets, souvenirs, hotel pens, or other objects from any of their get togethers (sex and non-sex meetings)?
Did she ever say "I Love You" to him?
Did he say ILY to her?

If you feel a need to know details about the sex, go ahead and ask. You decide what you need to know. Some people want to know what kind of sex, how many times, were there candles, how well endowed was the affair partner, did the WS orgasm during sex, etc. Do you really feel you need to know these things? Do you feel you know why you want to know such things?
 

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I dont think a cheater will be forthcoming to answer all this in one go.

It will take time, dude. They took time and effort and stealth to cheat, so it will take more than a cheater's mind to unravel the truth. I wish it were easier than that!
 

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Ask whatever you want to, but like others have said, really think about what you want to know. And do it over time. Don't do it all at once. Is your wife willing to work on this for the next 5 years?
 
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