Talk About Marriage banner
141 - 160 of 328 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
5,559 Posts
Thank you both ^

Now, I’m not sure what advice to give lol

I can see where her skepticism comes in because she wants to protect her investment she’s worked hard for but also see OP’s feelings are hurt in that it seems like there is a trust issue there. Maybe not just with money.

Good luck OP - I think you should get your own place. Maybe she needs to see that you can manage finances on your own before she agrees to co-own her house with you?

This is one of the more difficult questions I’ve seen on TAM.☺
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,689 Posts
All I can tell you is if you were to be having this discussion with a family lawyer he would laugh at your demands.

No one, and I mean not one lawyer would advice her to abide by what you want. Sorry pal, you're way out of the left field here.

This is what happens with second marriages, when bringing in properties and children are at stake. She's damned right to keep what's hers, hers.

All you see is paying half of her mortgage. Go out and rent abd you'll be paying at least twice as much of her mortgage with nothing to account for when the lease expires.

You have it made, you just don't realize it from an economic point of view of renting. Whatever you go you'll have to pay somebody, and nothing to show for.

My advice, go back to live with your mother. Save the money, someday you'll be able to get your own property. Then, you'll be able to do as you wish with whomever you partner with when she comes to live to your house.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
72 Posts
Discussion Starter · #145 ·
So you are saying when you moved in you didn't understand you weren't getting part of her house?
Pretty much but I guess I just never really paid that much attention to it that part of what I was paying her every month was going towards her house.

No what you are saying is that you moved in paying rent and at some time you got to thinking about how she bought a house and is building equity. You want the same thing. You believe by marrying her you'd get that and she disagreed so now it is an issue.
if I’m understanding you correctly then I suppose yes because like I said above, I guess I just really didn’t pay attention to the fact that part of what I was paying her was to go towards her house so I never worried about it but you know, I am open to other ways to do this whether it’s matching what she’s already paid on the house now or starting fresh and buying another house and keeping that one as a rental house but see, as I keep saying, I don’t think she’s interested in that because I’m really starting to think it all boils down to trust issues to where she’s too worried about wondering if we’ll be together forever and if we’re not then she doesn’t have to pack up and leave and start over again.

And yes you are right she wants it so that if it doesn't work out she keeps the house and you leave.
as I said above, yes. And I don’t have a problem with that because if that ever happens, at least I have somewhere to go to get back on my feet when he doesn’t; but, now we’re back to the same old problem where I’m helping to pay her house off and never gonna see a dime out of it.

Why wouldn't she keep the house she bought before you?
I never said she wouldn’t have to.

Why can't you save on your own?
I never said I couldn’t save on my own. As a matter fact I’ve stated several times that I am. Now, before I met her and was staying with my mom for as long as I did I could’ve saved a lot more but that’s neither here nor there because at that point I really wasn’t expecting to find anybody else anymore so I didn’t really put a whole lotta effort into it.

You never answered how if you drive trucks you have no savings.
not only did I re-explain above, I’ve said it somewhere else before in this thread.

Did you give your mom anything when you lived with her?
Lol, I did. But, that house that my mom is living in has long been paid for by my grandparents so I wasn’t asked to help make payments on a house that at least won’t be partially mine until my mom passes on.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
12,316 Posts
I hope it doesn’t come to that but what would you do? Would you be OK with paying half your spouses house off and never seeing a dime out of it?
Who’s to say what I would do if it was a real situation and not a hypothetical — my life experience has been much different than yours. But you aren’t married at this point and yet you expect every dime you’ve given her so far to count toward equity in her house? Doesn’t seem realistic to me. Right now you have zero rights as far as her house goes, since you aren’t married, and you may never have more even if she does marry you because that’s not what she wants. In second marriages, it’s not uncommon to keep assets separated. Use that to your advantage. Pay the $250 a month, save all you can and then buy your own house and rent it out (keeping the income).
 

· Registered
Joined
·
72 Posts
Discussion Starter · #151 ·
With his mom, rent free.
pretty sure the answer is his moms. But he hasn't answered if he gave his mom any money while living there.
Thank you both ^

Now, I’m not sure what advice to give lol
Being that I’ve got other stuff going on right now and you guys guys never gave me a chance to answer that question but yes, when I was living with my mom, I was paying for half the utilities. It’s just that in that case, the house my mom lives in has long since been paid for by my grandparents so there was no half of the house payment in the form of rent.

I can see where her skepticism comes in because she wants to protect her investment she’s worked hard for but also see OP’s feelings are hurt in that it seems like there is a trust issue there. Maybe not just with money.

Good luck OP - I think you should get your own place. Maybe she needs to see that you can manage finances on your own before she agrees to co-own her house with you?

This is one of the more difficult questions I’ve seen on TAM.☺
I have no problem with her wanting to protect her investment. Like I’ve told her and like I’ve told you guys, I’m not looking to take anything away from her. I don’t play that game. And she does know that I know how to manage my finances, I just think what this all boils down to is it’s not just me, it’s any man that she would be with that she’s not willing to do this for and when I said basically why should I help you pay your house she got upset at that and said that it was my cost of living there. I thought my cost of living there was the increased water bill, electric bill, and all that other stuff because whether I live there or not, that house is her responsibility that she’s gonna have to pay for, you see what I mean? I haven’t had a chance to have a lot more of a civil conversation with her on this so I can’t answer everybody’s questions about what she would say if I ask her about putting forth what she’s paid into it to match it or to buy another house and rent that one out and until I do I will update the thread on what her reaction is but as of right now, this is just completely about her expecting me to help pay her house off when she calls it the cost of living there on top of paying for my house of the increased utility bills and the groceries.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
17,170 Posts
Being that I’ve got other stuff going on right now and you guys guys never gave me a chance to answer that question but yes, when I was living with my mom, I was paying for half the utilities. It’s just that in that case, the house my mom lives in has long since been paid for by my grandparents so there was no half of the house payment in the form of rent.


I have no problem with her wanting to protect her investment. Like I’ve told her and like I’ve told you guys, I’m not looking to take anything away from her. I don’t play that game. And she does know that I know how to manage my finances, I just think what this all boils down to is it’s not just me, it’s any man that she would be with that she’s not willing to do this for and when I said basically why should I help you pay your house she got upset at that and said that it was my cost of living there. I thought my cost of living there was the increased water bill, electric bill, and all that other stuff because whether I live there or not, that house is her responsibility that she’s gonna have to pay for, you see what I mean? I haven’t had a chance to have a lot more of a civil conversation with her on this so I can’t answer everybody’s questions about what she would say if I ask her about putting forth what she’s paid into it to match it or to buy another house and rent that one out and until I do I will update the thread on what her reaction is but as of right now, this is just completely about her expecting me to help pay her house off when she calls it the cost of living there on top of paying for my house of the increased utility bills and the groceries.
She's just expecting anyone to live there to not take a free ride, which is what you're trying to do. She has a right to ask you to pay rent. You have a right to not live with her if you think you can do that cheaper.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
72 Posts
Discussion Starter · #153 ·
Who’s to say what I would do if it was a real situation and not a hypothetical — my life experience has been much different than yours. But you aren’t married at this point and yet you expect every dime you’ve given her so far to count toward equity in her house? Doesn’t seem realistic to me. Right now you have zero rights as far as her house goes, since you aren’t married, and you may never have more even if she does marry you because that’s not what she wants. In second marriages, it’s not uncommon to keep assets separated. Use that to your advantage. Pay the $250 a month, save all you can and then buy your own house and rent it out (keeping the income).
OK, I can kind of see where you’re coming from. You’re hung up on the fact that because we’re not currently married that I shouldn’t be entitled to anything which I’ve never said I was expected to be entitled everything because number one, I’m still paying for half of her house payment but see here’s the deal; even after we get married, she still expects us to stay exactly the same as it is right now where I will continue to pay half of her house payment but still won’t ever see anything out of it because she refuses to put my name on the title. Please tell me it’s starting to make a little bit of sense now? Maybe I am in the wrong for seeing this like this before we tie the knot but either way, I still just can’t get over the fact that I’m having to pay for half of her house payment in the form of rent when what I’ve tried to say all along is I would never do that to her. If I was her and this was the other way around, her half would only be half for utilities and half of everything else because if I still had intentions of my house remaining my house, I would not expect her to pay a dime on my house because I guess in my mind that’s what would be right.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
72 Posts
Discussion Starter · #154 ·
All I can tell you is if you were to be having this discussion with a family lawyer he would laugh at your demands.

No one, and I mean not one lawyer would advice her to abide by what you want. Sorry pal, you're way out of the left field here.

This is what happens with second marriages, when bringing in properties and children are at stake. She's damned right to keep what's hers, hers.

All you see is paying half of her mortgage. Go out and rent abd you'll be paying at least twice as much of her mortgage with nothing to account for when the lease expires.

You have it made, you just don't realize it from an economic point of view of renting. Whatever you go you'll have to pay somebody, and nothing to show for.

My advice, go back to live with your mother. Save the money, someday you'll be able to get your own property. Then, you'll be able to do as you wish with whomever you partner with when she comes to live to your house.
So, even before and even after we get married, you think she’s in the right by expecting me to pay half her house payment along with my half of the other expenses in the household?….hmm.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
17,170 Posts
OK, I can kind of see where you’re coming from. You’re hung up on the fact that because we’re not currently married that I shouldn’t be entitled to anything which I’ve never said I was expected to be entitled everything because number one, I’m still paying for half of her house payment but see here’s the deal; even after we get married, she still expects us to stay exactly the same as it is right now where I will continue to pay half of her house payment but still won’t ever see anything out of it because she refuses to put my name on the title. Please tell me it’s starting to make a little bit of sense now? Maybe I am in the wrong for seeing this like this before we tie the knot but either way, I still just can’t get over the fact that I’m having to pay for half of her house payment in the form of rent when what I’ve tried to say all along is I would never do that to her. If I was her and this was the other way around, her half would only be half for utilities and half of everything else because if I still had intentions of my house remaining my house, I would not expect her to pay a dime on my house because I guess in my mind that’s what would be right.
You aren't entitled to that house even if you WERE married. It's hers. She bought it before marriage. Even if she married you, it's still hers.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
9,430 Posts
So, even before and even after we get married, you think she’s in the right by expecting me to pay half her house payment along with my half of the other expenses in the household?….hmm.
Do you really think it's right for you to

1. Live housing rent free
2. Have your name added to the mortgage and thus be entitled to half the equity?
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
17,170 Posts
So, even before and even after we get married, you think she’s in the right by expecting me to pay half her house payment along with my half of the other expenses in the household?….hmm.
She's have to be a dumb cluck not to!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
9,430 Posts
So, even before and even after we get married, you think she’s in the right by expecting me to pay half her house payment along with my half of the other expenses in the household?….hmm.
The fact you even asked this question is enough for her to not move forward. Have you ever been self sufficient?
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
12,316 Posts
And you’re hung up on the fact that you think you should have equity in her house and you aren’t married yet. Think of it as the price you have had to pay for living there for several years. You were fortunate, when you lived with your mom, to have minimal cash outlay that few people experience in their 40’s but that obviously changed when you moved in with her. She expected you to pay a reasonable amount for housing and utilities. That was fair. What happens if she marries you is another story.
 
141 - 160 of 328 Posts
Top