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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I guess this is the proper forum for this question but AnyWho, as the title says, I’m just curious about the proper way to split bills between one another and primarily what my question is, I got engaged to a girl who already owns her own house that she’s making payments on and I’m just curious what your guy’s opinion is on her expecting me to pay for half of her house payment when she’s already explicitly spelled it out that the house will never be mine and that it is hers which means I also don’t have any say about what happens with the house what we do with it, unless she agrees with it of course but as far as how the house is decorated or what color the walls are, I really don’t care but I don’t know, please correct me if I’m wrong for feeling like being that it’s not my house and that it will never be my house why I should be ok with half the house payment as mine.

I love this girl a lot but it’s kind of starting to make me feel like I’m just renting the place except I am in a romantic relationship with the landlord and live under the same roof.

I keep telling her that my goal is not to take her house away from her, even in the event of a divorce if that ever happens but still, on the same token, it’s kind of hard to make it feel like it’s my place because although she says she’s sharing it with me but, it’s still not my house.

Granted, I realize that if I was renting my own place, the only money that I would ever get back if I moved out would be my security deposit but is that how this is supposed to be, I’m basically renting what I’m having to pay half for each month? Whenever we talk… Or should I say argue about this, she gets frustrated at me and doesn’t understand why I can’t understand this is how it has to be and that this is me paying to live there when I’m already paying half the bills with her among other things. I’ve bought stuff for her house, I’m supplying the Netflix, the Hulu live and the Amazon prime, even buy groceries a lot of the times as well so as far as I’m concerned, I’m paying my fair share I guess I’m just asking for advice and opinions on if Im wrong in thinking I shouldn’t be paying for half of a house payment on a house that’ll never be mine. Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think I can kinda understand a little bit where she’s coming from being that when she got out of her last marriage- well, it wasn’t really a marriage, it more of a common law thing or how ever the state of Oklahoma views it but when she moved out, her ex did take out a loan and paid her for half of the house being that they bought it together but, I kinda get the feeling she doesn’t want to have to do that all over again if things go south with me, or whoever else she could be with and I do respect that part but on the other hand, I’m just not cool with the part about having to pay half her house payment when she clearly stated it’s hers and not mine which for some reasons I’m cool with because if things do go south, I can just pack up, leave and walk away not having to worry about anything except finding a new place, of course.

I dunno, would anybody y’all be ok with splitting a house payment if the house wasn’t yours?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Why not buy a home together that could belong to both of you?
I guess that could be an option if she’d go for it but the thing is, I don’t have the money to put down on one and at this point, I’m not even sure she’d be interested in refinancing the house in both our names because of the fact that she’s already stated that when she dies, her house is going to her two kids which I can understand and she even said that if that happens, I would still be able to live out my days there instead of being forced to up and leave so they can have their inheritance. Not that I probably would, I would more than likely just take as much time as I needed to find my own place and move out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I don't see any way of doing it except for you to pay rent to her if you're going to live there. It's her house. IMO, the rent should be what you'd expect to pay on the open market if it was you and a roommate sharing a rent home. Your name isn't on the house. It's hers. Of course, you could decide to buy a home together and rent that one out or sell it. I think though if you already have this type of money disagreement, not sure how this will all work out. You can't expect her to just give you half her house she's been paying on that is in her name.
so let me get this straight; you think I should essentially pay her rent but even though her house payment is only $500 a month that I should be paying her the equivalent to what the average rent is? What kind of crap is that? Am I understanding you correctly?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
No. I would not pay for a house in which I would never gain equity.
I know there’s been others that have said this but see, this is how I feel because in the past almost 4 years that I moved in with her and we split the bills up, $250 of what I pay her every month for my half of the bills is going to half of her monthly house payment which adds up to $12,000 for a total of four exact years. $12,000 and counting that I’ll never see again that she benefits from getting her house paid off quicker.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I agree with this.

The two of you need to sort out your views/philosophies about money before getting married.
I think we do too but I almost feel like if I try to have this talk again with her that I might as well just pack up and leave because she has it set in her mind let me paying half the bills and half of her house payment is part of me paying for my house to live there. Which, I don’t mind having to pay all that, I guess what I’m more or less have a problem with is the fact that she just says that this will never be my house if that makes any sense. I don’t know, maybe this is all just because of the fact that I just don’t think no matter what we do, she doesn’t want me to have partial ownership of her house because if anything ever goes sour, she doesn’t wanna have to be the one to pack up and leave and then basically have to start all over again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
May I ask if you are older? My mom's last (and current) marriage began in her mid 50's. She purchased her home on her own. My step-dads name was never put on the deed (she paid it off shortly after they married.) In her will she made a provision for him to stay there and pay the taxes and insurance until he passes or decides to leave. After this the house goes to myself & my sister. They do keep their money separate with the exception of expenses such as groceries and utilities.
Well that’s nice that she paid it off beforehand and he never did have to pay half of a house payment that would never be his.
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
I’m confused. You’re paying half the bills and the money for your half of the bills isn’t going to the bills? How are you dividing the bills?
She pretty much took all the bills- utilities, internet and the house payment, added them all up and I pay half that amount on top of paying for quite a bit of groceries for us and her son when he’s there, including Netflix, Hulu live and Amazon prime.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Divorced, two kids in tow and she’s already saying what’s hers is hers but I want you to pay to help fund my kids lives when I’m dead. If I understand this correctly, I can’t endorse you getting married to this woman.
Wow. Not a wow like, holy crap, how could you say that kind of wow but wow, you’re kind of hitting the nail on the head there but yes, this is kind of how I feel because in the exact four years that I will have lived there, I will have put $12,000 towards her house that she didn’t have to pay for but she’s saying that by me paying for half the house payment also is paying to live there which, don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect to live there for free but it’s just that whole concept of helping to pay on a mortgage that I won’t get anything out of because I might as well go rent my own house if the money that I put into it is something I’m never going to get back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
So does she add that up every month, or did she add it up once and set a standard amount? And why is the house payment included, does she call that “rent”?
She just did this one time and that’s what we go by but she brought it up today that she may have to increase that because with everything that’s going on right now, some of the bills have gotten a little bit more expensive and then I made the mistake of bringing up that I’m already paying for half of her house.
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
If she has made provision for you to live there as long as you need to if she dies first then in essence it is your home.
Egh, not really. Well, yeah, I guess it would be if I stay there until my dying days being that I don’t have any kids of my own to leave anything to when I die but if I decide to move out shortly after that happened, the 20 grand or whatever the amount is I ended up help paying won’t ever be seen by me again when her kids sell the house for whatever it’s worth and split the profits.
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
I don't get it. I mean you're going to have to pay rent somewhere. You're just not a reason in the world why she should let you live there for free or just paying part of the bills. One way or the other you should be paying half what it's costing to live there. You'll be doing more than that if you were out on your own.
As I’ve said, that’s not really the issue. I have no problem paying my fair share. The issue I have is putting a fairly large sun of money into something I’ll never get back. I could run the idea by her about refinancing the house she has together in both our names but see, that’s just it. That’s not what she wants. She doesn’t want my name on it period but still expects me to essentially pay half her house off and call it part of the living expenses.
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
This is obviously bugging you. Instead of overanalyzing it, just tell her you will not marry her under these circumstances. Or better yet, leave. You feel taken advantage of, correct? I mean, whether we see all the details or not, there is something in this relationship that is making you feel used. No one deserves to be used. Don't let her do this to you. Some things are worse than being alone.
Yeah, it is bugging me. I just get the feeling that it’s not me personally, it’s just anyone in general she’s not allowing herself to trust. I really don’t know what the deal is. I just feel like I live here as a tenant with benefits with no say in anything and I don’t dare try to talk her into doing something with her house that she don’t want to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #54 ·
Why do you want to get married to someone who doesn't trust marriage? It doesn't make sense to me.
At this point I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least considering it but hopefully this weekend maybe we can sit down and talk about this in a more civil manner and try to come up with something. The couple times we have talked about this, she’s at least said or suggested to me going and buying my own house but she just gets so defensive and upset every time this subject comes up because at least with the way things currently are right now, being that she had this house before I came into the picture, she really makes it sound as though no matter what happens, she doesn’t want me to have any ownership at all of her house; I’m not sure if that means on anything or just the house that she has because she had it before I came into the picture.

At the same time, why don't you own something at 46?
Probably because it just never worked out that way. Me and my last wife only rented while we were together and when things in that relationship went south and I moved away, I ended up just living with my mom. Probably should have gotten my own place but being that I drive truck and was spending quite a bit of time away from home, it just didn’t make sense to spend money on a place when I could just save money and share the utilities with her. And then 5 years later, I met her and moved in with her.

If you don't have the money to buy something right now, $250 a month for rent is a very good deal to me.
You’re right, it is but that’s not the point. The problem is, I shouldn’t be treated like a live-in tenant who’s helping pay off a house that’ll never be mine nor will I have any share of the equity I’ve put into it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #56 ·
And what would you consider fair?
I guess what I would consider fair would be like what most people do in a marriage where certain things like a house is owned jointly and we both try to pay it off together but quite frankly, I think she’s too worried about if something goes south, she doesn’t want to have to start all over again and find a new place because she bought this one by herself that’s hers that in her mind can’t ever be taken away from her but then again I don’t know totally until we can have a civilized conversation about it.

if you lived somewhere elseyou’d have to pay something.
You’re right but then again, that’s not the point. I’ve actually stated several times now that I’m not looking to stay there for free. I just don’t think it’s right to make somebody pay for half your house payment that you don’t want to fully share to where basically what it all adds up to is I’m helping to pay her house off but I won’t ever see anything out of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #99 ·
@corneileous no one is going to say you're entitled to live there rent free. My question is do you actually think you should?

If yes, she needs to find a different guy. Sorry man, but you should be self sufficient and bring that to the party.
And again like I’ve said, I’m not aiming to live there completely free of charge but in your opinion, I should be paying rent? Helping to pay her house off which I’ll never see anything of it? Sure, after we get married and if something ever happens to her I can still live in the house for as long as I want, making her two kids wait to get their inheritance but if I decide to move out of there early and they sell the house, the money that I invested into the house, I may not ever see again that’s what the whole point of this discussion is about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #117 ·
Exactly if we were talking a $3000 / month payment then he would be justified in his concerns. And frankly he can be 'justlified' with the $250 but it appears she doesn't want to combine finances on a second marriage with no children. Which is typical. Why should she? If he doesn't want that kind of marriage and she won't budge then yeah move on.

But it seems he can't buy his own place and he's paying below even ****hole rent so what's the problem?

Me and my husbands finances are combined and I wouldn't have a 1st marriage otherwise. But a second? not sure.

But it simply comes down to both their philosophies. I just don't think this poster would be so willing to combine if it was reversed. He seems hung up on the $12k he's paid for the 4 years they weren't married when he'd have to have paid way more somewhere else. And by trying to recoup that he's saying like the 1st day I moved in I should be getting equity?

Just seems like she is right to be cautious financially.

If OP were a girl we'd hear the term gold digger thrown around.
I’m not so sure I fully understand whose side of this is that you’re on but what difference does the amount of the house payment have to do anything when you said that you could understand if it was $3000 a month opposed to 250 a month? But what are you talking about this first and second marriage stuff?

And why do you automatically assume that if the roles were reversed that you don’t think I would be willing to do the same for her because if she’s helping me pay for half the house payment, then you’re damn right I would consider what she’s paid in over the course of time. I would be willing to re refinance in both our names or go buy a new house together at least and she would have the option to keep the one that she has right now and rent it out to somebody else and make some profit on it but at least in that situation, I wouldn’t be living in that house that I’ve pretty much been paying into that I won’t ever see anything out of.

And of course I’m a little hung up on the 12,000 or so whatever it is that I’ve paid in and if I continue to stay there, the probably close to half of what her house is or what she owes on her house which she only bought it for about $55,000. Put yourself in my shoes; would you be willing to pay rent like that into a house that you’re never gonna see anything from? Sure, it’s only $250 per month but overtime, that adds up. That is money that I helped her to pay her house off that I will never see anything out of. It’s just like I said, here honey, I’ll just help you but your house just for grins and giggles and you get to keep entirely what the house is worth if you ever sell it
 

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Discussion Starter · #119 ·
I notice you only quoted part of my post. I was laying out why I don't think he's being fair because he's looking to benefit from what she's already done. He admits he'd have to pay rent elsewhere but this is somehow different, implying that he should be able to either live rent free or get equity in a place he not only didn't buy but couldn't buy now because he doesn't have money for a down payment. So he's looking for her to front the down payment while he still gets equity, or he pays nothing beyond a few living expenses.

I laid out what I think are reasonable options.
And I’ve already laid it out that I’m not looking to be a freeloader like some of you are assuming that I am but why don’t you think it’s fair that I should get something out of this because for like the umpteenth time already, I am helping to pay her house off. This is not or shouldn’t be considered a rental thing; this is a marriage and this is usually what most people do is they completely split the expenses. Sure, she has her car that I don’t help her pay on because it’s her car and I’ve got my pickup that I pay on that she doesn’t drive so we don’t split those payments but you assume that the house needs to be treated the same way that in the end when it’s all said and done and over with that I’ll probably end up paying pretty close to half of her house for her but I’ll not never have anything to show for it?

Like I said, I’m going to try to talk to her either today or this weekend about it and try to be as simple as I can to at least see if she will consider refinancing the house and even if I have to take a small loan out to put towards it so that we both owe the same amount. It’s just that with her extreme opposition to this keeps telling me that no matter what I say, she doesn’t want my name on the house because she’s too afraid of having to start over if something ever happens and it’s like, if we had bought a house together and something happens, we’re gonna have to do go through the process of dividing but it’s just that I get the feeling that because of what the current situation is, she’d rather take advantage of what the easier situation is and just be able to kick me out and then her not have to start over if something ever happened.
 

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Discussion Starter · #122 ·
@corneileous, I think you should live in your truck and save your money. 🤗
Damn I don’t know why this post got so many likes but are you being serious here? Because if you’re trying to label me as a cheapskate, that is extremely wrong because if I end up having to walk away from this, I would probably only go back to staying with my mom until I could find my own place and then I would go there because in that situation, I would be renting a house that I know upfront I’m not gonna get anything back in return unless it’s my security deposit which is not the same thing as what I’m talking about right now. is that too hard to understand?
 
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