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Discussion Starter #1
Our Dday was about 15 months ago. Initially, he wanted to know all details and then as I would answer, he'd shut down or start fighting about the answers.

Since then, we've talked a number of times about this as well. I get a little disheartened when it is the same questions over and over. Is this common? Is there something that I'm doing wrong in this process? I've been open and honest in my answers even when I know the answers did hurt.

So, we go to our first MC appointment Wednesday afternoon. Is it wrong to address this so early in the MC process?
 

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He clearly doesn't trust that you are telling him what happened.
If he continues to feel this way, there will be nothing to save.
 

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The way most betrayed spouses feel is:

You lied a lot, either outright or by omission, when you had an affair.

He doesn't trust you or believe you.

He will keep asking the same questions and any slight difference in the way the questions are answered, even if you honestly remember an additional meaningless detail, or if you leave out a meaningless detail you told him previously, will be interepreted as a potential that your whole story is a lie.

When he gets the same answer every time consistently over time, he gradually will stop asking that question.
 

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Yes, he needs the same questions answered over and over. Part of it is like Bride of Frank says, getting the same answers over and over helps build trust. But part of it for me was also that I had forgotten what he told me the first time. My brain was (is??) like swiss cheese with everything I had gone through, the trauma just makes you crazy, so just because I already asked something didn't mean I remembered the answer.

I hope your mc knows what they're dealing with as far as infidelity. A bad mc can really ruin R.
 

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I've put my wife through that. He's probably feeling like he's missing something. It's that need to make sense of it all. To understand it.
 

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Yes, he needs the same questions answered over and over. Part of it is like Bride of Frank says, getting the same answers over and over helps build trust. But part of it for me was also that I had forgotten what he told me the first time. My brain was (is??) like swiss cheese with everything I had gone through, the trauma just makes you crazy, so just because I already asked something didn't mean I remembered the answer.

I hope your mc knows what they're dealing with as far as infidelity. A bad mc can really ruin R.
Hope has a good point here too.
 

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Yes its common to be asked the same question over again. Your H is do one of two things, he is still proseccing the unprocessable and two he is trying to see if you change the answer.
 

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Since then, we've talked a number of times about this as well. I get a little disheartened when it is the same questions over and over. Is this common? Is there something that I'm doing wrong in this process? I've been open and honest in my answers even when I know the answers did hurt.
Keep being completely honest. Consistence and coherence appears naturaly. It's what build up the trust. Short of this only time and his ability to digest and acept the reality will result in forgiveness.
I understand your frustration nad your reluctance to discuss it once nad again but I'm going to suggest you the unthinkable: be you the one in bringing up the affair, to encourage him to ask you, yes even the same questions. Be proactive.

I'm glad top hear you are going to MC. If MC ever try the blamesharing game stop her right away. He never could decide for you, the cheating was your decision and it was a very wrong one. What ever issues you guys had in the marriage are to be treated as a separated issue. They have to be adressed to improve things, to correct whatever both of you believe need to be so the marriage go in the right direction.

If you believe the MC is going to be a few sessions I suggest you to bring up his boundarie issues later. Not suggesting you to ignore it but to bring it later as a way for ther two feel safe.

If one of you doesn't like this particular MC then commit to change it.

Good luck.
 

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If you've read the many threads of successful R stories here you will find that it very common. You have to be completely forthcoming regardless of the pain YOU THINK it may cause him.

Most say that the onlything worse is deception bc it sets R back to day 1.

Stay with it. Chin up carry that load w him. My best wishes to him, you, and a fullfilling life.
 

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The way most betrayed spouses feel is:

You lied a lot, either outright or by omission, when you had an affair.

He doesn't trust you or believe you.

He will keep asking the same questions and any slight difference in the way the questions are answered, even if you honestly remember an additional meaningless detail, or if you leave out a meaningless detail you told him previously, will be interepreted as a potential that your whole story is a lie.

When he gets the same answer every time consistently over time, he gradually will stop asking that question.
I will say this - when my ex had an EA I was devastated and insisted on knowing everything - unfortunately for me, she was gaslighting me and got good at telling the same lies over and over again.

This being said, after about a year and a half - I grew to trust her again (but she had a PA later).

I will say me asking the same questions drove her crazy and she could not understand why I would keep asking........

I was unsure myself but for some reason it reassured me.
 

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It's a very circular process, trying to get over betrayal. He is trying to find a good reason for why it happened, what could've changed, why did it happen. What's the justification. There aren't any good reasons in the end, it wasn't fair, it wasn't justified, it come down to your selfishness and thoughtlessness, plain and simple. At some point he will realize that, then have to make a decision on whether to accept it, forgive you and try to move on, or not.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thank you - I really appreciate the perspective. I think it freaks me out because it will sometimes come out of the blue when it seems like we're having a good day.

I know I made it worse initially when I'd get upset and just close down which in turn frustrated him and caused him to shut down also. There has been a lot of rug sweeping on both sides so I know this will be difficult.

We tried seeing one MC about a year ago but she was really awful. She never took notes or recorded and each session was like session #1. I'm hoping this one goes better but we've both agreed that after 3 sessions, we'll evaluate to see if this is the right person to help us.

Since reading Not Just Friends and a lot of the forum here, I've initiated conversation about this a few times with him. He keeps stating he just doesn't understand how this happened and that none of it makes sense to him. It doesn't help that when he confronted the xOM via telephone, that the xOM lied to him about his name. So, he keeps questioning the whole thing.
 

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In my case, she became defensive. Started questioning me, in her defense.

See?

It will take time for BS to put questions to rest. Depends on transparency on the part of WS.
 

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Yes its absolutely normal and essential. He's not doing it to punish you or make you feel bad. It's more that every time he starts to wonder or his imagination starts to take him places he has to ask you again because he needs to hear the reality. Despite the fact that you know the answers hurt, in reality they help. Give them willingly and easily and then offer whatever comfort and support he needs. It will get better with time.
 

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Agree with what has been said, but also; when you have processed something in your mind, learn new details, gain new perspective, you sometimes need to get back to previous details, which may seem different in this new perspective.

Just be honest all the time, no shortcuts there.
 

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It takes time to believe what's truth and what not when you are bieing lied nad gqaslighted, OM didn't help either.

It takes even more time to come to terms with the fact that indeed "it" happened. From denial to acceptance.

Keep hangin there friend. I think you have you head way more clear than most waywards. I also thing you have a clear vision of the marriage and the challenges. I also believe you have the heart at the right place. Deal with things, don't rugsweep anything anymore.
 

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I suspect I'm in the minority on this but I always viewed the questions as a good thing. They gave me a chance to see where my wife was in recovering and the opportunity to reassure her yet again. I figured every time we talked about it was progress - one more time of me giving the same answers and one more time of her digesting another piece of it and being that much farther along. I had no shame or reluctance to answer her questions, once the truth was out there was no reason not to talk about it. Part of owning it is holding it up to the light and saying, "yes this is mine, what would you like to know?"
 

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I can tell that my FWH is starting to get tired of me asking him the same questions again and again, but I'm still trying to understand how this happened.

He doesn't think the details matter, he thinks I'm just torturing myself. He may be right, but at this point I'm not able to stop.
 

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Thank you - I really appreciate the perspective. I think it freaks me out because it will sometimes come out of the blue when it seems like we're having a good day.
Funny - I used to react when me and my ex were out having a good time - it was because I was feeling so close to her and then this instinct would just arise to protect myself from getting hurt again. It was like my walls were down and my mind would say "remember the last time your walls were down!" and I would find a reason to protect myself - which I needed her to bring down again. I felt sorry for her having to work through it but I needed it to feel close to her again. If you could only see it as your husband orking to get close to you - because that in the end was what I was trying to do. Sadly, it was destroyed later for me but I did get to trust her again before it happened.
 
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