[HiRoad]

I figured i would ask you TAMer's about this, I am taking inventory of what is happening currently.

Below are the facts:

11 weeks Seperated (physically)
I currently in NC & 180
I go to IC
No posOM
STBXW has been on mutliple spending sprees
Me - 34
STBXW-30
2S's - 3 & 1.5
D papers filed day of S
STBXW only texts (kids only)

I have noticed the last month that my STBXW appears to be pulling farther away the more i do NC. I mean she does not contact me at all. Whereas about 3-4wks ago she would send photos of the kids here and there and certain things about the boys. But as soon as i began NC she has stopped doing those things.

This makes me question my NC with STBXW. Am i doing the right thing by NC? She used to complain to no end that i did not talk enuff, text her enuff, send her pics of the boys enuff, and listen to her when we were married. In the bebegining of the S i followed the 5 love languages, told her i appreciated her she repsonded positivly. 5 wks ago i would text her everyday at least once, "either good morning" or "how are the kids" and she promptly responded in detail. Now she only responds with short answers like me.

I am questioning my NC, do i keep doing NC or do i open lines of comunication a little?:scratchhead:

FYI - we are going to see each other at the kids xmas party on the 14th.

 

[NoWhere]

Was she the one who wanted a divorce?

Wish I could offer you some good advice. I can see why you are worried. Sounds like she is moving on or is possibly doing NC herself for whatever reason.

 

[Dewayne76]

I don't know what to tell you bub.

For a while now I've been in LC with my stbxw. Besides a few pics of thanksgiving plates, she hasn't sent txts or calls about anything other than dealing with our Kiddo.

As mad as I am at her, as much as I've somewhat healed... it still hurts like a muf'er that she doesn't call or text to see how I'm doing etc.

11 years. No real abuse on either side, much love etc. Back in march I asked before selling our property if she was happy with me / us. She said absolutely. Now here we are.

It sucks man. I know. She told me she hasn't seen the "new me"... and that's my fault. She may feel nothing towards me now. Which is weird to think.

Since you KNOW you're going to be in contact on the 14th, just try to focus on being happy and being the best YOU you can be. Show up, be happy and see what happens man.

I feel ya pain bro.

Take care.

 

[BigMac]

HR , that is a hard one !

I know for fact my X hated the silent treatment and I'm not sure if I should do NC completely !

What is your wife liking ? If she is a social person , it may be a bad idea to completely shut her down .

My X is a very social one and she said several times she don't really like the silent or bad energy people. So I think no contact but if she contact you , you must answer her very politely and happy .

 

[HiRoad]

Was she the one who wanted a divorce?

Wish I could offer you some good advice. I can see why you are worried. Sounds like she is moving on or is possibly doing NC herself for whatever reason.

Yes she is the one who filed the D?

Really weird situation, said she was "drained from the last year" and was "done"

I know, i feel that she is following my lead!??

 

[BigMac]

Wait till you see her on the 14th and then see how she react !

If she comes to you happy, smiley , willing to talk then yeah ... by doing NC you may piss her allot .

So I think , you wait till then and see !

 

[HappyKaty]

The 180 is not implemented to win her back.

It's for you, to detach and move forward.

YOU can't "win" her back, if she doesnt want you, so it's pointless to try.

Use this time to work on your codependency.

 

[HiRoad]

Dewayne - Ive read up on your situation and feel your pain. It is hard as heck to go from talking everyday to oneday thats it she is "done" and nothing but texts.

In late august we went w/ my brother and his W to Vegas had a blast, she even told my SIL that she know i am her soul mate. Then Sept, had the rug pulled.

It is hard to fathum that the STBXW feels nothing after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids?

I plan on being the best me on the 14th, but for the mean time i am a little lost what to do?

She does have a history of running when the going gets tough, so this may be her defence mechanism. IDK

 

[Dewayne76]

One suggest given to me is wait till you see your stbx after a period of NC, do the 180, be happy as you can be and just... talk. NOT about the troubles.

They said, get into contact, get into good graces again, by NOT bringing up the past and act like it is in the past... because it is. If you decide to R at some point, THEN is the time to talk about things. He said to pretend it's a new relationship and all is well. See where it goes and if the time comes, then discuss what went wrong and how to fix it.

Seems wise, but getting TO THAT point is rough.

As threads have proven, we sometimes get lost in healing, we move on and say to heck with it for good and no longer want R.

Good luck at the party, hope things go well. If you're looking for changes, SMALL CHANGES are BIG CHANGES! If she didn't hug you before, but hugs you at the party, check mark a positive. do that all night and you may be surprised.

 

[HiRoad]

What is your wife liking ? If she is a social person , it may be a bad idea to completely shut her down .

Extremely social and family person, thats what is confusing. She saw my mom at her business last week and my mom said it was still mixed. She feels that my STBXW still doesnt know what she wants. STBXW told my mom that she is happy i am FINALLY spending quality time with my kids, claims i was soo "checked out". However, STBXW was fighting her tears.

 

[Dewayne76]

"I plan on being the best me on the 14th, but for the mean time i am a little lost what to do?"

Work on yourself! Become better than you were.

Michelle Davis says "we CAN change people. Just the same way you know to push someone's buttons to make them angry, you can push someone's buttons to make them happy"

Be a better you. If you want R with your stbx,/ex... be a great you. Give her joy in your presence. Push her "good" buttons and see waht comes out.

 

[HiRoad]

HK - I have made major strides in the last 11wks, stopped drinking completely, lost 30lbs, IC every other wk, happy, content, confident. WHat is hard is my kids, especially the 3 yrold, is having a hard time w/ the S. In the last yr m STBXW and I were both in a rut. We needed to both change our ways, did not expect her to quit the M!

Dewayne - thanks for the advice, thats what i planned on doing, except i was going to asnwer my phone and texts (which she hated) to show her i am a wanted man. I may not do this since it may piss her off more. I feel conifident in myself now that i look and feel good. I am sure I could go out and find another relationship, no problem, but it still does not feel right for my kids.

 

[HappyKaty]

I was going to asnwer my phone and texts (which she hated) to show her i am a wanted man. I may not do this since it may piss her off more.

Why do you care if she is pissed off?

 

[HiRoad]

Michelle Davis says "we CAN change people. Just the same way you know to push someone's buttons to make them angry, you can push someone's buttons to make them happy"

I have read that book like 6 times, i remember her saying that, thinking about it I may have to switch gears a little bit depending on how the 14th goes. Still does not change the fact that my STBXW is not changing for the better, tho. She is still spending out of control and still partying a little.

Be a better you. If you want R with your stbx,/ex... be a great you. Give her joy in your presence. Push her "good" buttons and see waht comes out

I planned on it!!

 

[Dewayne76]

Be prepared tho, you may push buttons and get a pile of POO out of her lol.

Just be prepared.

 

[BigMac]

HiR , here what I would do if I was in your shoes !

Lose more weight ( with cabbage soup diet in 4 days you can lose 12lbs ) !

Tan !

New hair style !

Now clothes - best get some nice stuff if European shop around to look shique and different !

Put the smile in your face ! Talk with smile , slow , don't interrupt and while she talk watch her in her eyes !

Act confident - if need get a book about body language and read the self esteem section ! - here you may need to exercise at home in front of the mirror !

Act like old time gentlemen - open her doors , help her sit ... all you can think of it !


When talk to her - VERY IMPORTANT !

DO NOT GIVE HER ADVICE at any price .Agree with her on anything .

If she tell you something - You answer with EMPATHY + ENCOURAGEMENT !
NO ADVICE !!! NO JUDGMENT !!! - here you may need to practice at home too.

And see how she is !

Good luck

 

[HiRoad]

Thanks BM, this helps alot, on the 14th, when i see her next i will implement all of this. As far as your list goes:

I have lost alot of weight, (getting pretty ripped i was always into the gym, esp. before got married)

I have been planning on going tanning

Hairstyle - already done.

New clothes already done, she has not seen me in them

Talking happily, not a problem, I got that mastered! (thanks to Alpha male link)

Confidence - very high, being that i am lookin the best in 4 yrs, people are taking notice.

Being a gentlemen - WILL DO! (i neglected this part in our M)

Agreeing - I have mastered this too, (thanks to H. Mcdonald)

I will def. keep you all posted here, how it goes.!!!!

However, if all fails, i will be ok with it. I always keep in mind that she is still a quiter. Unfortunaley, i feel that her grounds for quiting the M are weak. She will def. have to own up to her self. At best i will make her leaving me EXTREMLY hard for her. I can thank her for putting me through relationship school and the next W in my life will have a great patner!!!

 

[BigMac]

Can you please post that Alpha male link ?

However, if all fails, i will be ok with it. I always keep in mind that she is still a quiter. Unfortunaley, i feel that her grounds for quiting the M are weak. She will def. have to own up to her self. At best i will make her leaving me EXTREMLY hard for her. I can thank her for putting me through relationship school and the next W in my life will have a great patner!!!

Nothing to fail here ! You just showing her what you changed and go from there . Don't expect that she jump on your neck . Just watch her reactions but you'll be surprised

And yes , like my X said - You make it extremely difficult for me to leave you ! This way you'll create a conflict into her head with the decision she made !

And I'm sure you know about the banned words like love, us etc

 

[HiRoad]

absolutley, i am still goning to follow the 180 rules as cited in MWD book!

 

[HiRoad]

not sure if i am doing this right but ... here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

This contains many good guides on how to man up and be the alpha male

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...n/55375-wife-wanting-divorce.html#post1049105

this contains syns 10 commandments, this is a must read, including let em go!