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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am 6 months into sobriety and 3+ years into my second marriage. I married my second husband after only knowing him for 6 weeks, then he deployed. He came back after a year and we lived together for 10 months, then separated. I got fired a year ago and he stepped up and is helping with my bills. Now I am sober and while I don't resent him, there is just nothing. He is a good guy, means well and will do his best to take care of me, but I don't feel anything for him. The attraction was short-lived on my part, and while he was deployed I began to see that I had married too quickly, that there were things I didn't know about him that would make us not well suited to each other.
He and I both admit to each other that our relationship is tenuous at best (his words exactly) and I certainly won't argue that with him.
I am not financially stable yet, but am working towards that. I help him with his house and business and pets while he works, and I am working full time in a new career field, but my income is not enough for me to live on. He is now working in another state and comes back almost every weekend to work at his fledgling business. He retired from the military, then started this business last March, then was let go from his day job and took a job overseas.
I have a history of making drastic, life changing decisions on the spur of the moment (my first husband was also a quick decision, we were together for 16 years and have 2 kids, but that also was a strained relationship)
I feel like I used up all my "love quota", that I won't ever feel a romantic, sexual attraction to anyone ever again, after living an alcoholic life for the past 20+ years with marriages to 2 men to whom I was/am not attracted.
I want nothing from my second husband, I only want him to find a person who can give him the love and affection he deserves. He maintains he is still in love with me and that I am the one he wants. He was married for 11 years to someone who cheated on him. He married her as a friend and "grew to love her" (his words). I had hoped to "grow to love him" after I realized that I wasn't attracted to him and didn't love him, but that hasn't happened.
I haven't cheated on him, and I am not actively looking for another man. I am not attracted to anyone at this point, and I wonder if I ever will be again. I want to do the right thing by him, and I don't know how to extricate myself from this without ruining his life. He says he will lose everything if we break up, but we don't have any co-financing, we have separate houses, and no children. He supports my sobriety and doesn't have a problem with alcohol or drugs. By most peoples accounts he is a perfectly good guy. I don't argue with that, but there really is nothing there for me. We don't have a physical relationship, we don't have conversations beyond a perfunctory "hi, how was your day" type interaction. We have completely different views on politics and society, which are areas of our lives that we didn't know were not compatible when we married after only 6 weeks of sleeping together. I ignored my gut when we were dating, and married him despite my intuitions telling me not to.
I feel like I should do the right thing by him and end the marriage, but I am not financially able to support myself or my kids from my first marriage. I don't get child support from their father.
 

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So this guy is supporting your children. Why isn't the father of your children paying child support?

How old are your children?

When you say that you cannot support yourself and your children on your own income, do you mean at all? Or do mean at the level that you have become accustomed?

You sound very flat emotionally. Have you ever felt a deep love for anyone? I wonder because you seem to have married two men who you claim to not love. I wonder if you felt that romantic love when you first met but then it faded?

It takes spenging 15 hours a week together doing date-like things to keep the passion in a marriage. How many hours a week do you and your husband spend togther, just to two of you focusing on each other?

You can rebuild romantic love where it once existed. Look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. This guy is doing so much for you and your children. I think you really owe it to him and yourself to try to get that feeling into your relationship.

It's really not fair for you to be using your husband financially.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for listening. I don't get child support because when I got divorced, I was making significantly more than my ex, and we had joint physical custody. My lawyer suggested that I not argue for child support due to our income disparity.
I am supplementing my income with my savings, and my current husband pays me to watch his pets and run his shop during the week and watch his house when he is out of town.
My ex is helping more, since my income has changed. And I am expecting to have to take a second job in order to reach an approximation of my former income level.
I respect my current husband, but our interests and values (among other things) are so incompatible that I doubt I could ever feel a romantic or physical attraction to him.
So I guess I am looking for validation that the right thing to do is to let it go.
 
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