[Leuven]

My partner cheated on my, and I have read in one of his emails to her:
..., if x would not catch us on act, I would choise for you. As you are my reason for existance. I finally understand why I was born on this world. And my happiness can only be complete by taking care of you. I want to take care of you and your children, this is my only reason for living. .....

He now tells me that despite he has written this, he would have never really choise for her. That is was a nice dream, an illusion where he could let out of his lost/frustrated feelings, that he was not able anymore to share with me.

I tell him, you can not write something like that without feeling that in your heart and brain and body and believe it. He says yes, maybe I did at that moment, but if you would have walked it and put me back in reality, I know would never go gor her. I would always go for you.

So dear cheaters in here, what is your view on this? Can someone really put thngs down like this and not mean it?

 

[costa200]

Not a cheater, but as a guy i can tell we have it in us to say whatever you want to hear if we think that will be worth some hot sex.

I don't know if your husband really meant it or not. But it is very much possible that he was only really wanting some sex action.

 

[aug]

Or, he lacks integrity.

 

[costa200]

Or, he lacks integrity.

He cheated, we already know he does...

 

[Leuven]

Costa, that is just what makes is worse, physically it did not work out, that was going doing, but emotionally it appears to me to get deeper and deeper.
I know he was breaking up nearly few days, but then always getting back due to pressure from her. But when you then find emails like this, you doubt. At least I do, wondering if I can really believe that this is althrough said, it would not be meant.

 

[BjornFree]

Are you married? Do you have kids?Do you plan to marry him if you're not?

 

[Leuven]

We have been together for 12 years, have 2 kids, twin daughters now 10 years old,
and 1 19year old daughter from my first marriage.

We are not married, as he never proposed me. Think he was to afraid to open up that deep, making himself that vunerable and get hurt.

 

[thunderstruck]

Not a cheater, but as a guy i can tell we have it in us to say whatever you want to hear if we think that will be worth some hot sx.

Yup.

 

[sigma1299]

First accept that there is no good answer to this. There is no answer that anyone can give that will get you to, "Oh, I see, that makes sense." It doesn't exist so realize you are looking for the impossible.

Having said that the short answer is that he felt it when he said it to her but that doesn't mean that he truly meant it. I know that sounds like cheater double speak - which is why there is no good answer - but it is pretty much the reality. Most people who cheat and are not sociopaths or serial cheaters end up living in two worlds for the duration of the affair - they compartmentalize it. Affair and OM/OW over here - wife and family over there; and they try very very hard to keep them separate. If you have basic morality and yet have somehow gotten yourself involved in an affair it's impossible to reconcile what you're doing in your head, the only way to continue on having your affair and having your marriage is to avoid reconciling it - hence compartmentalization. It's difficult to understand if you haven't done it.

 

[Leuven]

Sigma, thank you for your reply. So strange. My partner tells me when he tries try explain -> He says at that time it was for me like, you (referring to me) are a big house with many rooms where I live and walk. But there is also a very small room with a very small door. And I go into that very small room and do there what I intend to do and why that room is there. But when I go in I close the door, and I am not in the big house anymore or want to take anything from that big house into that small room. Vice Versa, when I leave that little room, I leave all what is there in there and close that door. And then live in the big house again.

Think that from my side I can rationally see that, but when I read something like that (wanting to live with her and teling her this); I feels for me that in this case, he was blowing up the big house so that he could remain living in that small room as that was at that was left, and where he then wanted to be. And think that is the part that hurts and hard to understand.

 

[sigma1299]

That's a pretty good visualization. It can't make sense to you because for you it was always just one house. There was no "little room" for you so from your perspective what he said and did he did in the house. The truth is that your perspective is the correct one - there never was a "little room" anywhere other than in his head. He lied to himself and to his AP to create a place that didn't exist so he could continue on in his affair.

Ultimately it's a cowards way of dealing with it, and it's lying to everyone including yourself. Again, the reason there really isn't a good explanation.

 

[In_The_Wind]

The majority cheaters will say anything or do anything to get what this is why its so easy for them to throw the other under the bus so to speak when the **** hits the fan especially after they have already gotten what they wanted and as far as question I would say affair fog as well

 

[Leuven]

Sigma, does this mean that you do not believe in sincere regret and pain from the cheater? And that reconsile is not possible?

Sometimes just have the feeling that this relation will only have a change, if I put my hurt aside for his shame and pain. and just shut up and deal with it on my own and not bother him with it to avoid him having to think back on it.
only not sure if what will remain of myself if I need to that?
Can I loss myself totally for my love for him?

 

[TCSRedhead]

The bottom line is that you can never really explain or excuse the behavior. My husband is also struggling to make sense of how I behaved and that it doesn't make sense.

You can't put aside your hurt and pain - it will cause ongoing resentment which will cause other issues. Trust me on that one.

 

[Leuven]

TSC, I know that but showing my pain, is not helping either. The pain sometimes drags me so deep, that I feel so much less then here and then I ask partner constant, did you do this as well with here, did you tell this to her as well. and it drives him nuts.
This pain at the moment is almost, and will, succeed where she did not exceed -> end this relationship

 

[sigma1299]

Sigma, does this mean that you do not believe in sincere regret and pain from the cheater? And that reconsile is not possible?

Sometimes just have the feeling that this relation will only have a change, if I put my hurt aside for his shame and pain. and just shut up and deal with it on my own and not bother him with it to avoid him having to think back on it.
only not sure if what will remain of myself if I need to that?
Can I loss myself totally for my love for him?

In fact quite the opposite. My wife and I are very successfully reconciling - she is an amazing woman to forgive me. Some will consider me biased in this but I very much believe that sincere regret is possible for a cheater and I know all to well the pain a truly remorseful cheater experiences (all deserved btw).

I say compartmentalization is a cowards way of coping because it is what allows someone cheating to avoid facing what they are doing. It's hiding from your actions. It's not being able or willing to make a choice and accept the consequences of that choice.

You're inclination to put your hurt aside, to "not bother him with it" is exactly the wrong reaction. If you do that any reconciliation is virtually guaranteed to fail IMO. Both of you need to deal with your hurt - and his. You need it to heal, to move forward, to be able to even begin to trust again. He needs it be held accountable for what he did. He needs to pay those prices so he takes full ownership of the damage he's caused and understands just how deep it is. You need so see him do this so you know he understands. Dealing with it is essential. What you describe above is referred to as "rug sweeping" and everyone here will tell you it is the wrong path.

 

[TCSRedhead]

TSC, I know that but showing my pain, is not helping either. The pain sometimes drags me so deep, that I feel so much less then here and then I ask partner constant, did you do this as well with here, did you tell this to her as well. and it drives him nuts.
This pain at the moment is almost, and will, succeed where she did not exceed -> end this relationship

Ignoring it will just force it all to come out in other ways. These emotions are toxic, it has to be dealt with in order to move on.

I can tell you that we ignored a lot of it for months and are right back to dealing with it all over again. We may not recover - that will be as a result of what I've done and the price for those actions.

 

[Leuven]

Then I can just hope that he will find a way to deal with it.
I am in pain and take the pain, to get it placed, and dealed with. Yes it hurts, yes I cry, and it takes time.
But to often when I ask, I get do you know what you are asking, why do you not let it go, why do you give her so much power, ...
I know that often he reacts harsh like this as he is ashamed for what he did, and it hurts him as well.
so feel like with back against wall.
And yes, I have many triggers, I only need to walk out the door to see her home, where he ran of to and where they had their hidden world. So the pain is there constantly, no place to escape to
we Did no after 8 months decided to buy a new house, but can only move in about 8 months from now. Not sure if I will survive this till then.
All triggers pulling me down, and half of the time he runs away from my pain.

 

[sigma1299]

Turning and facing his shame, taking ownership of it, is part of true remorse. Running from it, getting defensive, and hiding behind his pain are all signs that he has not truly taken ownership and worse; that he might not really be remorseful - only sorry that he got caught. I'm not saying that's the case, but based on what you posted it's possible. A truly remorseful cheater sooner or later arrives at a point that is basically, "I will give you whatever you need to recover, I do not care what it cost me. I did this, I will fix it." Some get there quicker than others, some not at all, just try to objectively evaluate where he is because there is no reconciliation without genuine remorse on his part.

 

[Lon]

For me reading the email he sent, it was the only-living-to-take-care-of-her-children part that sends up the BS meter, no man WANTS to take care of another man's kids, atleast not until he has spent enough quality time with them that they feel like his own family. He just said those words to get more enthusiastic sex from her.