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Hello,

First time posting here.

I have a feeling that my wife may have strayed....total gut feeling - no proof. Marriage was not great at the time (about 6 months ago)...won't bore you with too much detail as it is the same as 100s of others I've read here on this site (I’ve been lurking TAM for several months now)....marriage stagnant for 3 years, sex dropped significantly, she was on my case day after day for the silliest of things.....I kept saying to myself "she's just in a bad mood, it will pass." But, one day I'd had enough and asked her about what the problem with our relationship might be – didn’t accuse at all – we just talked about it. It was a good talk, but she seemed a bit defensive, not overly, just not herself....however, I "perceived" some deflection and possible blame shifting so I began monitoring as my gut was going crazy: VARs in the house and car, monitoring email accounts, monitoring cell phone usage, GPS, tracking internet history, tracking phone calls in a spreadsheet, whole nine yards. Basically found nothing of note over the 4 months of endless monitoring. Since that day we talked, she has made a great effort to change and so have I and things are pretty good now, but both of us are a bit “different” – hard to explain, but we’re a bit more hardened or something??? So, it could have just been a lull in the marriage that lasted way too long and we were too lazy/unaware to do anything about it…..or something DID happen, possibly before my gut sensed it, and my monitoring/awareness occurred after-the-fact. I just can’t get rid of the thought that it was the latter…..driving me crazy!

With that said, in the last few months, as I’ve been improving myself and my relationship, I’ve come to start thinking of something that I just can’t seem to shake. If something did happen and she did stray (EA and/or PA) and felt bad enough about it to confess to a Catholic priest, does doing so (confessing) typically make a person feel better enough about what they did so they can justify not telling the BS? I’ve read quite a bit about confession and many folks believe that if they do something bad enough to warrant a confession, they can confess it to the church and move on without disclosing what they did to others (spouse, family, etc.). If they do tell they would just be causing the other party undue harm and keeping the secret is better than harming someone else by telling. So basically, confessing closes the door on the issue and the person can now move on regardless of the other person’s "need to know"…end of story. Not sure I subscribe to that, but was hoping to see what others think.

Thoughts?
 

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Ok Chum. Stop killing yourself and your marriage. You have indicated things are better and actually, (despite pretty good surveillance) have found nothing. Your continued distrust will destroy your marriage. You are obsessed and this will be a self fuflfilling prophesy if you don't control it.

Confession or not, cheaters generally don't disclose. Period. So if you are hoping to get that. Forget it. Your "need to know" means nothing to a cheater. But right now ALL the evidence you have says your spouse isn't a cheater.

Get over this.
 

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My feeling is that a confrontation like you had can be a wakeup call - and could be the catalyst that forces people to take stock of what is happening - when a relationship is going off the rails. That could be the entire thing.

I am a believer in gut feelings, but I am also a believer that trust in a relationship is right up there near #1. If you are second guessing everything - you are never going to get past it.

You went 'the whole 9 yards' and found nothing of note. That is also a (justifiable) breach of trust, hopefully that should put your mind at ease a little bit. You should clean house on this stuff and be done with it.

You say things are pretty good and getting better. Im not sure you have a choice besides just continuing to work on things to get better and hopefully that trust will come back.

Its either that or just come out and ask it. The elephant in the room.
 

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This is a hard one. I think its dangerous for a wayward to have this mind set cuz I believe it leaves it open to cheat again.

In your case you may never find out and its scary cuz all you can do is wait for it to happen again.

Maybe you can take what you have learned here and apply it while you protect your marriage in the future.

If she did cheat most likely a ONS, it will come out. Most likely in a fit of rage , years from now she will throw it in your face for the share value of the pain it will cause you. IDK she may go to her crave with this little secret.

Alls I can say is keep an eye out ....trust but verify!

I also believe you may have dodged a bullit here.
 

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I take it she's Catholic and you're not?

Adultery is VERY bad and is considered just shy of murder. I doubt talking to a priest could make her feel better if she's at all devout.
 
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