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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
O.K. I'll give a brief synopsis of what happened. My husband and I have a large group of friends, some of whom he's closer to than I and vice versa. Most of our friends are musicians (My husband is) I used to go out with said friends on Thursdays while hubby stayed home and watched kids. It was a sort of Mommy's night out. The only night I ever got to go do anything sans children. I didn't go every Thursday but I did go often. A rumor got started about myself and one of our mutual male friends. I have no idea how it got started. It was completely false. I didn't even know about it until Saturday night, at which time my husband came home from the gig he was on and proceeded to get into a physical altercation with me based on said rumor. The police were called, I decided (even thought the police were urging me to have him arrested) not to do so, thinking the fight would end once they left, which it didn't, so I called my father-in-law to come pick up my husband, which he did. Once he was gone I called my friend (a female, with whom in the past year I have become close to) to ask her what on earth was said at the gig and what happened. (She and her husband own a lighting company, and they run lights for my husband's band, so she was there) She proceeded to tell me that she was stunned, that nothing was said...that she and her husband were the only people from our group of friends that were there and she just couldn't believe it. I talked to her and cried on her shoulder for a good 3 hours the night that this hapened. Well, come to find out it was her that said something about it to my husband. Needless to say I am very upset with these people and I feel my husband should be, as well. He isn't. He says if I want to be mad at them for starting and perpetuating a rumor (one that made my husband so angry that he got physical with me) that I can, but he won't. We have done alot of talking about our relationship since this happened and we both agree that we want to make things better. But if he is going to asscociate himself with these people, supposed friends of mine, that completely betrayed me, how is our relationship going to be? So that is pretty much the backstory...Now my question to all of you is this....
Is it right of me to expect my husband to be upset with these people as well? Is it right of me to expect my husband to not be aquainted with these people?
 

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I believe you are correct in your position. I don’t know why your husband would not be angry with them or even want to associate with someone who started false rumors about you. If someone did that to my wife I’d be livid. Since he is not, I wonder if there is some underlying situation with him or your marriage to him. Also anytime a spouse raises a hand to their mate it is very serious. Whether it was the first time ever or a pattern you need to very carefully examine your position. This could be very dangerous for you and your children. Please be careful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Thank you for your reply, Amp. I didn't know if I was being rediculous in expecting that he should be upset with these people as well. I just don't see how our marriage can be any better regardless of the counselling he gets, the promises he makes, etc. if he is not willing to stand up for me and our marriage. I feel that his continuance of the friendship with these people is almost like a "slap in the face" to me. He says that I can be mad at them if I want and cut them out of my life, but he won't. As they are mutual friends I don't know how this could work.
 

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Why would he not be mad at the people that cause this situation? They got him angry enough where it caused an altercation with you. Thats a problem. He needs to get his priorities in order. Your marriage should come before those friends (if you can call them that).
 

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Rumor or truth, I think the more serious issue is the fact that he's hit you. No one has the right to raise a hand and strike their spouse, no matter how hurt or angry they are, NEVER. If you allow this to happen once, it will happen again, unless he gets help with controlling his anger. I speak from experience when I say that he will hit you again if he doesn't seek help.

I wish you the best.
 

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Rumor or truth, I think the more serious issue is the fact that he's hit you. No one has the right to raise a hand and strike their spouse, no matter how hurt or angry they are, NEVER. If you allow this to happen once, it will happen again, unless he gets help with controlling his anger. I speak from experience when I say that he will hit you again if he doesn't seek help.

I wish you the best.
+1. You should not dismiss his hitting you. I'm not saying you shoud seek a divorce over it. But it warrants some SERIOUS counseling if it is to be avoided in the futer. If you give him a pass, I doubt he will try to restrain himself in the next time a discussion turns to argument, then shouting, etc.

With that said: I find it curious your husband resorted to getting violent with you, yet does not have the stones to confront these so called friends of yours and demand why they would engage in this kind of destructive rumor mongering. Is it really more important he keep his lighting people, than get things right with his wife?... even if that means cutting this kind of people loose?

Gossip. There's another behavior that doesn't deserve a pass, but gets one all too often these days because otherwise good people don't have the nerve to stand up to it. How many times have you heard "I just don't want to rock the boat." I know it seems to be human nature. But I really believ in telling people that if you don't have anything good to say, don't say it.

DanO
 

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As a musician's wife I can understand about the twisted tales that can circulate between various bands, wives, fans, and hangers-on. I also know about the amount of liquor and/or substances that can fuel these tales.
First, your husband should not have gotten physical with you, obviously. I think he should still be sleeping on his daddy's couch and trying to get back into your good graces. Should he ever lay a finger on you again, I hope you call the cops and press charges.
Back to band psychology. Over the years, There were several wives/girlfriends who were carrying tales about me. My husband knew of these and never believed them. I had no love for those women, and vice versa, but the band and the gigs that supported us all was the important thing. You know how members of a band can be hating one another for whatever reason, but they still play, socialize, etc for the sake of the band. Same with the ladies. Our job was to get out on the dance floor and get some dancing happening whether we liked each other or not.
You haven't said if your husband's playing for fun or money. Either way, you have to realize that this is the way bands are. This is the band's dynamic. If you want to go to the gigs, you will have to deal with this or stay home. As for your husband getting violent on you, that is not the band's fault, or even the girl that was spreading rumours about you. The only one responsible for your husband's violence is your husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
In response to mollyL's post...My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and together for 10. At this point in our lives the band is for fun. He does get paid but it's considered "fun money". I fully understand the dynamics of the band, and I get along wonderfully with the other band members and their wives...we actually have a vacation planned in May with the drummer and his family. My issue is with the guy that they hire to run the lights and his wife, who goes to help out (basically sits by her husband while he works and gets drunk). They are not part of the band, they are hired to work for the band. I have developed a friendship with this woman over the course of seeing her out. I also understand that my husband is entirely responsible for his actions. But I also feel that this woman brought this drama to a gig that she was hired to be on. I don't feel that it was the time or the place to present this rumor to my husband. I wasn't even there to defend myself. I was at home tucking our 3 children into bed (as I usually am when he is out gigging). I feel that in order for our marriage to get better we need to stand united on certain issues...he needs to stand up for me. He needs to make it known that this type of rumor mongering is not acceptable.
He has made arrangements to see a counselor about his anger issues, and we have talked at length about ways to make this work, but this is one issue that we don't seem to agree on. I understand how important his music and his band are to him. I have made many sacrifices over the course of our relationship to facilitate this. I believe it's time that he shows me that I and my integrity are just as important to him as the light show that they will have at the local bar this weekend.
 
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