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Discussion Starter #1
So in the middle of No more Mr Nice Guy and a common theme is to focus on my own needs. Currently my main need that is not being met is my wife with holding sex, which translates to lack of intimacy. How exactly do I meet these needs on my own without having an affair? Confused on how else I can meet my sexual/intimacy needs otherwise....
 

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Figured that was the obvious answer. Just didn't know how to really translate that meaningfully from the book
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You simply don't get one of your needs filled.... so you concentrate on the other ones. Perhaps eventually your wife decides your other need is a priority or becomes one of her main needs.

NMMNG is all about becoming a better more centered you. Not guaranteed to work by any means an not necessary a fix for a sexless relationship.

Problem with all these schemes to get your wife to fall back into a sexual relationship... NONE take into account trauma she may have experienced earlier in her life. NONE. The assumption always is shes normal... she may very well may not be!

1 in 4 women are assaulted during their life. When a wife withholds sex she is protecting her feelings. She realizes what she is doing but can't come to grips how to solve it.... most of these women need therapy but refuse. They were never trained earlier in life to relate to men.

Here's a male analogy... you are stuck in a suck job, lots of stress, not that fun, bad hours yet you stay. Why? Its easier in your mind than spending the time and energy in looking for a new job on your spare time. So everyone suffers... you are not happy, you aren't making more money and your family has to deal with your decision to stay in a crappy job. It pays the bills so you just go everyday... same old stuff.

Wife is doing the EXACT SAME THING by withholding sex... its easier. Its affecting the family because she won't put in the time and effort to solve it.

You did something wrong that made her question YOU and now that she is withholding sex you are likely angry, distant or grumpy that further validates her withholding.. you scare her.

Here is what happened... she though YOU were the one and different from OTHER men. She built resentment in little and big ways YOU failed her looking to see if you are the one. She eventually has seen enough and withholds sex. You respond negatively further validating that you are like OTHER men. She sees YOU are more involved in YOUR NEEDS than HERS further validating she is in a lame situation.

The truth... It's not YOUR FAULT...its life. Anything YOU did PALES in comparison to withholding a basic need of yours hostage. Its really is HER (Or him in the case of male with-holders)

Most men in stable marriages would not be this cruel to their spouse. Because its cruel.
Would YOU not talk to her for months? Not be around for companionship? leve the house unlocked and the bills unpaid for months? Of course NOT.

So what to do? Leave, cheat or wait it out.

Your wife may come around but only when she feels emotionally close to you again. Also when she fully trusts you and looks towards you for strength... takes time no quick fix.

Be her rock and she may respond. The wives that withhold sex are NOT psychologically stable... there is something in their past that they didn't learn the basics of spousal relations.

You won her heart once and you may be able to again... over time.

Women are more susceptible to actual TRAUMA and also less effectively able to deal with it on their own.

So YES improve yourself for yourself... your wife will likely like it and may find a way to overcome her own fears of opening herself back up to you again.

Once she does that you will understand your role better and likely have a great life together. Make whatever fix work for life.

As weird as it sounds... giving her space and controlling your own sexual urges are likely the recipe for success... she needs to see you in control and also to have time for her to decide if you are worth the effort. You need to be strong.
 

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Just because she is withholding sex, does not mean you can't "try" to be intimate with her, does it?

I mean, like come up behind her... rub her tush... put your arms around her & nuzzle her neck & say something like "mmmmm. you smell good".
Or "hmmmm... I'm thinking about what I'd like to do later to you in bed".

Then, if she doesn't come thru, then take a show & fantasize about what would have happened if she repsonded differently??

Then try again another day.

Or- does "No more mr nice guy" translate into you not being able to touch & try to be intimate with wife??

Sometimes I don't get that "no more mr nice guy" stuff. Does it mean you have to be gruff & mean at every turn? I don't think so. I just think it means that you shouldn't let her walk all over you. Not use you as a doormat to wipe her **** on.
 

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Summary of post:
- your wife has no responsibility for honoring her marital vows
- strive for perfection while meeting her needs and hope she someday feels desire for you

My one addition is: accept that she is a social butterfly and dont complain about her EAs and PAs
 

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No More Mr Nice guy states that she doesn't find you attractive because you appear too needy and not masculine enough. Women want a male. flaws and all. Nice Guys try too hard to be nice and when they don't get what they want they try and be nicer. They do things for their mate because they expect something in return. Then they grow resentful when they don't get the 'rewards' for their hard work. Nice guys do anything they can not to rock the boat and in doing so they never get their needs met and issues linger because they never express them to their spouse. NMMNG tries to get the man to focus on himself and being 'male'. It is not about being mean or ugly towards your wife. Its about not being so pushy, needy and over bearing in own nice guy way. There is a reason nice guys usually have more girls who are friends then guys, but these girls don't want to sleep with them they only want to be their friends. The book states relationships are flawed and always will be, you are flawed and always will be. Don't hide who you are. Make yourself happy and build yourself up and either she will respond or she won't. Let her work out her own issues you are not responsible for fixing her problems.

That's what I basically what I read from the book in a nutshell. Wasn't really the best book I've read since most of the solutions are 'seek therapy group' or 'write down reasons you are like this' etc. The Nice Guy syndrome is very close to Co-Dependency.
 

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Have you read up on MMSL?

Focusing on you could be to work on upping your sex rank and feeling good about yourself...be independent....live a like real man, do manly things.

Maybe then she will notice you and say.......look at Mr. Pink ;) what a macho man :smthumbup:
 

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You get someone to make your needs a priority when you make their needs a priority. Simple as that.
Nope. It seems like this would be true, but that's way oversimplified. You train people how to treat you. You reward good behavior. You ignore or otherwise discourage bad behavior. If you make her needs a priority while she ignores your needs, then you train her to continue ignoring her needs.....because she figures out that ignoring your needs is how she gets her needs met.
 

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Nope. It seems like this would be true, but that's way oversimplified. You train people how to treat you. You reward good behavior. You ignore or otherwise discourage bad behavior. If you make her needs a priority while she ignores your needs, then you train her to continue ignoring her needs.....because she figures out that ignoring your needs is how she gets her needs met.
Thanks Cesar.. ;)
I agree. Forget all the philosophical therapist stuff.

Here's the only book you need.


:smthumbup:
 

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You get someone to make your needs a priority when you make their needs a priority. Simple as that.
Oh if only it were this easy. When I went this route all I got was taken advantage of and used.

You get someone to make your needs a priority when YOU make your needs a priority.
 

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In that book he suggests 3-6 months of abstinence. It's just you and your hand until you learn how to meet your own needs. :)
 

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Sex is often a metaphor for something else. When sex shuts down in a relationship there may be several problems. First, there may be unresolved anger around issues that are not being addressed. Second, does you wife feel like her need for emotional intimacy is being met?
Sexual problems are best resolved indirectly. Find out what the deeper issues are, and the sexual problems often get resolved.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT
 

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Sex is often a metaphor for something else. When sex shuts down in a relationship there may be several problems. First, there may be unresolved anger around issues that are not being addressed. Second, does you wife feel like her need for emotional intimacy is being met?
Sexual problems are best resolved indirectly. Find out what the deeper issues are, and the sexual problems often get resolved.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT
There's no harm in evaluating whether you've been meeting her needs for emotional intimacy. And if you are not, then you should be the one to make the first move and start doing it. But if you HAVE been meeting her needs, and she has in turn ignored your needs, then something has to change. Too often men continue to meet their wives needs in a one-sided way, which just rewards and reinforces their wives behavior.

Unresolved anger? Why is it on him? Does she not have a responsibility for HIS unresolved anger? Certainly sounds to me like his issues are not being addressed.
 

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All problems are CO - CREATED. There are no good guys and bad guys. Unresolved anger could be an issue for either or both.
Too often couples do not realize that they create a dance that is bigger then either of them, with both thinking the other is to blame.
THe "bad guy" is neither - it is the co - created dance that is bigger then both, and unfortunately leaves both feeling badly,
David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT
 
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