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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
And I prob know what most of your answers will be...


Husband and I are seperated....living together for another week or two till his place is ready. I love this man and he knows it, he is just too week to work on the relationship now and needs his space. Says he is not in love with me anymore, the way he was.....

BUT this man still wants to be intimate with me like before....he says he can't help it. And I am not a beauty queen....he was talking with OW, and seems to have no problem getting women to fall for him.....WHY on EARTH if he doesn't want to continue our marriage (12 yrs/17 together) would he still want to continue being intamate with me (sometimes he suggests just for me and nothing for him)

Will he continue to try this after he moves out too???

Should I expect that everytime he comes by to pick the kids up that he will touch me in someway to see if I am interested????

This is what is happening now.

MEN PLEASE BE OPEN HERE and help a girl out.....:scratchhead::confused:
 

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He's happy to get all the free sex he can. YOu will not get him back giving in. You make it easier for him to move on.

I suggest that you start treating him according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). You seriously need to detach from your husband emotionally. He will use you for sex as long as you allow it.
 

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Ditto to the above posts. Sexual intimacy is entirely inappropriate under these circumstances.

FWIW, I was once in the same situation as you (and what guy is going to say no to an ex that wants just sex) BUT this will only:

  • Prolong the pain;
  • Elevate the underlying “issues” to a new and even stranger dimension; and
  • Generate confusion and false hope (for you and the children).

Be strong, carry on. Maybe you work things out to where he wants to return to the family and the commitments he made to you – maybe it doesn't. But under this arrangement, it (honest reconciliation) will never happen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks everyone.....I guess I was kidding myself by thinking that is affection towards me and interest in sleeping next to me even when not "sleeping with me" meant there was still feelings there. I have started following the 180 2 days ago, we have not even spoken and the text mess which were contant are not at all now (at least no initiated by me) and I only answer the ones the require answers for kids sake. He moves out in a week and today when I came home I did my thing and said nothing. He is walking around like someone killed his dog!!! Gotta get easier when he leaves.....
 

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the "I can't help it..." excuse is just bunk. We can ALL help it if we want to.
Sounds to me like he knows you still have strong feelings for him and he is intentionally or unintentionally (and I vote for intentional) using that when he feels like a little romp in the bed.
Don't be fooling yourself, thinking these intimacies mean there is still more there in his feelings for you then what he has stated.
It appears you have come to the same conclusion.
Now if you can just resist that "someone killed my dog" sad expression he is showing you.
Good luck.
 

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I have to agree... Be cold, very cold when he tries to touch you. You don't have to be mean, but take stance of indifference. If wants action, tell him to get it from her (OW).
 

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Jebus crispie... your situation is IDENTICAL to mine... except I'm the husband she's the wife.

My wife and I are reconciling at the moment but we both agree that we need our space and repair our dynamics/learn new ways to deal with our issues before we start living together again. So far things are going very well, she's been co-operative since day one and even inspiring me to get my sh-t together as well, I was about to give it all up but I'm glad I didn't now because for once she's taking our situation seriously and I'm glad that I didn't throw her away.

And last night, well, no more dry spell lol - and I'm so happy :)
Even at work people were wondering why I'm not so depressed anymore heh

BUT!
I wouldn't have agreed to have sex with my wife if it was just going to damage our relationship or give the wrong impression; I made sure she wasn't going to think "We just had sex, we're fine now, we should move back together and forget about everything" - no, we did that on our last seperation and we got NOWHERE.

Now in your situation, it looks your husband isn't interested in working on your marriage, instead he's spending his time with other women. Personally if my wife starts dating then she can forget about reconciliation, and I expect the same with her if I was to date. I wouldn't put out at all if I was you and personally I would move on considering he's not doing anything to repair the situation.

You have to back off and let him go, if not he's just going to be feeding from your attention and return nothing.
 

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Will he continue to try this after he moves out too???

Should I expect that everytime he comes by to pick the kids up that he will touch me in someway to see if I am interested????

This is what is happening now.

MEN PLEASE BE OPEN HERE and help a girl out.....:scratchhead::confused:
You know what the say about pizza...even bad pizza is good pizza, and if it's good pizza, all the better. In his eyes you consented (while married), maybe he's just checking to see if the bank is still open. So what if it is, so what if you do "do it" with him. Except for the emotionally conflicting signals...which just might be the whole problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
thanks guys Just to clairfy the OW moved 3000 miles away in Sept, but still has business in the NY area which brings her here every month or so for a day or two....He has not seen her since 11/22 but texts her still....

Night 3 done with no sex!!! YeaH!!!! Day 4 of NC will be hard because we are both home!!!
 

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He's happy to get all the free sex he can. YOu will not get him back giving in. You make it easier for him to move on.

I suggest that you start treating him according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). You seriously need to detach from your husband emotionally. He will use you for sex as long as you allow it.
:iagree:

If it is your hope to win your H back, you're not going to do so by giving him the best of both worlds. You have to give him a reason other than sex to want to be with you, and I agree that the 180 is in order here.
 

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thanks guys Just to clairfy the OW moved 3000 miles away in Sept, but still has business in the NY area which brings her here every month or so for a day or two....He has not seen her since 11/22 but texts her still....

Night 3 done with no sex!!! YeaH!!!! Day 4 of NC will be hard because we are both home!!!
Stay strong it will be easier in a week when he is out of the house but the first couple months will be tough.

Think of the children, family and yourself when the urges to relent take hold. If there is to be a workable reconciliation, he’s got to have a real separation to level-set matters in his head.

Also take stock in yourself, you sound like a more attractive person than you perhaps have been led to believe. If you can swing it, go do something nice for yourself – a massage or something.

And BTW, if his place isn’t “ready” when he originally said it would be – he needs to find a weekly/monthly hotel room. I’ve heard that excuse too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
ok another night down and no SEX. I knew he would be home all night last night so I took my kids out to my friends house and we didn't get home until 11pm. When I got home he was already getting ready for bed. ( he sleeps in our daughters room and she sleeps with me) I said good night and got myself and my daughter into bed and went to sleep. I did hear some sighing and clearing or throat going on but he may just be catching a cold :)

So this morning he got up to shower and get ready for work, and I was up when he got out of the shower. I tried my best to avoid talking to him or giving him any opportunity to touch me. He was watching me for some reason, and when I noticed I looked up and he quickly looked away. He asked with my help packing some food trays up nad I silently helped him. He thanked me and as I turned to walk away he ran his had along my ass.

So I took someones advice and was indifferent. I acted as if I didn't even notice. I was advised not to be mean, but I know what will come after this, and I can't just ignore him slipping into bed with me tonight .

It is so difficult because I want more than anything to be close to this man in every way again. He was my best friend as well as my lover .

I will hold strong tonight as I know my only hope at ever saving my marriage is to have him face the concequences of the choices me made.

No cake eating for him tonight!!! :smthumbup:
 

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I don't know your backstory. It could be he is trying to claim some territory or exact some value from you. If he feels you wronged him he could be intentionally using you.

In any case I don't think there is love involved on his part no matter what the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
That makes me so sad.... How can you spend 17 years together, mainly good happy times and now this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
My husband and I have had an amazing sex life since the day we met. We are abnormal and sometimes our closest friends tease us about our sexlife with each other. This entire year, on average, we have sex 5 times a week. Sometimes everyday, sometimes more than once a day. We have always desired each other. And still do. He will crawl into bed with me at night and touch me even now.
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Btw I have not slept with him since i have been back and he moves out today.
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