[Chopsy]

How hard was it for you go back to your BS? Did the guilt and/or fear hold you back? Did you feel you didn't deserve a second chance? Did anything your BS did or said make it easier for you to initiat contact and face them?

My WS is depressed and feels guilty and is unable to face me. I've tried to convince him to come home so we can try and repair our marriage. I'm now back to my180.

I appreciate any feedback posted, thanks.

 

[sigma1299]

Two things.

First - IMO (and I'm a WS) this is often a smoke screen by cheaters to get the BS to drop the topic and rug sweep the whole thing. For example, "Oh my WS is so distraught I will crush them or worse if I insist on talking about it. I have to help them so I'll just put it aside for now." The whole while the WS is acting wounded to get exactly this reaction. Never forget a cheater earned their pain and their first obligation is to their BS.

Second. Assuming he's genuine in how much he's suffering the only thing you can do and the only thing you should do IMO to help him is to try not to act on your emotions as you talk about it. I think you should still insist on talking about it. Him facing what he's done is part of being held accountable, taking ownership and ultimately remorse. But, if you can tell him how you feel without acting on the torrent of emotions you will make it easier for him to talk to you. If every time he talks you either berate him or fall completely apart eventually he will stop talking out of nothing other than self defense. I would still tell him how you feel, I would just try not to show him - unless of course you feel good then show him all you want to. Does that make sense?

FWIW my wife was exceedingly good at this - it really is a helpful and productive thing for reconciliation.

 

[Chopsy]

Thanks Sigma, i don't know if it's a smoke screen or not, I never thought about it but will be more aware now. Two, yes I think I get what you mean, to be able to talk but not fall to pieces. Yeah I can do that. Thanks

 

[TCSRedhead]

This can be due to a number of reasons:

1. Depression about separation from their affair partner. It's hard to break that off when it's been something you've fostered and looked forward to for a while.

2. Depression about pain caused to their spouse.

3. Depression about having to face the issues that they caused.

 

[Chopsy]

I dont know about number one but I'd number two and three are correct. Thanks Red.

 

[sigma1299]

#1 is by far the most likely and likely to be the most severe. The others could well be there but that #1's a killer. Search a little and read about "the fog" and the withdrawal that comes with ending an affair, especially an emotional one. It is very very real.

 

[LookingForTheSun]

Sucks to say, but I think it goes #1, #3, then if they get their head out, #2. I think any BS who thinks differently is in denial

 

[TCSRedhead]

I dont know about number one but I'd number two and three are correct. Thanks Red.

Do you think they're still in contact?

 

[Chopsy]

Sucks to say, but I think it goes #1, #3, then if they get their head out, #2. I think any BS who thinks differently is in denial

I think you're right, I've had an awakening. Definitely number one and three. Not so sure about two. I was in denial but no more.

 

[Chopsy]

Do you think they're still in contact?

Hi red. I don't know if he is in contact but I would presume yes. I know he is in the UK now and not Ireland so at least he is physically away but that might make it easier for him to miss her and want back. Who knows. All I know is I am done trying to guess and wonder. I am done waiting for him. I have a life to get on with, a self to remake. If ever he comes out of his fog, he will have to do a hell of a lot of heavylifting to convince me to take him back. Feeling good for the first time in ages and looking forward to the future and my awesome life.

 

[sigma1299]

What happened??

 

[Chopsy]

Just woke up from my denial. Was talking with my SIL about her brother (my H) and suddenly the anger came on me. I'm sure the rollercoaster will continue but I'm on the up. I never knew anger could be so cleansing. DR is helping a lot, and I read your thread Sigma, which also helped.

 

[TCSRedhead]

I am so glad you've turned the corner!!!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Chopsy]

Thamks Red!! xo

 

[remorseful strayer]

How hard was it for you go back to your BS? Did the guilt and/or fear hold you back? Did you feel you didn't deserve a second chance? Did anything your BS did or said make it easier for you to initiat contact and face them?

My WS is depressed and feels guilty and is unable to face me. I've tried to convince him to come home so we can try and repair our marriage. I'm now back to my180.

I appreciate any feedback posted, thanks.

Chopsy:

I dropped my OW on the spot, when my wife found out about my affair. I always told the OW it was only a sexual fantasy relationship and that if my wife found out, it would be over. We discussed this many times.

When it was over, it was over. I attempted no further contact, was not in a fog, knew what I did was wrong and my only thought was to try to save my marriage.

The fog, IMO, is just an excuse for a spouse that is in the early stages of puppy love.

If it takes any longer than a few weeks for the straying spouse to get his head out of his asshat about this affair, then, it is not a good sign and it is not fair to you.

If he using fear and depression as and excuse that is not good either.

Of course he should be depressed about discovery of the affair, but it shouldn't hold him back from attempting reconciliation.

Something else is going on. You know that. I am glad you are finally angry.