Two things.
First - IMO (and I'm a WS) this is often a smoke screen by cheaters to get the BS to drop the topic and rug sweep the whole thing. For example, "Oh my WS is so distraught I will crush them or worse if I insist on talking about it. I have to help them so I'll just put it aside for now." The whole while the WS is acting wounded to get exactly this reaction. Never forget a cheater earned their pain and their first obligation is to their BS.
Second. Assuming he's genuine in how much he's suffering the only thing you can do and the only thing you should do IMO to help him is to try not to act on your emotions as you talk about it. I think you should still insist on talking about it. Him facing what he's done is part of being held accountable, taking ownership and ultimately remorse. But, if you can tell him how you feel without acting on the torrent of emotions you will make it easier for him to talk to you. If every time he talks you either berate him or fall completely apart eventually he will stop talking out of nothing other than self defense. I would still tell him how you feel, I would just try not to show him - unless of course you feel good then show him all you want to. Does that make sense?
FWIW my wife was exceedingly good at this - it really is a helpful and productive thing for reconciliation.
First - IMO (and I'm a WS) this is often a smoke screen by cheaters to get the BS to drop the topic and rug sweep the whole thing. For example, "Oh my WS is so distraught I will crush them or worse if I insist on talking about it. I have to help them so I'll just put it aside for now." The whole while the WS is acting wounded to get exactly this reaction. Never forget a cheater earned their pain and their first obligation is to their BS.
Second. Assuming he's genuine in how much he's suffering the only thing you can do and the only thing you should do IMO to help him is to try not to act on your emotions as you talk about it. I think you should still insist on talking about it. Him facing what he's done is part of being held accountable, taking ownership and ultimately remorse. But, if you can tell him how you feel without acting on the torrent of emotions you will make it easier for him to talk to you. If every time he talks you either berate him or fall completely apart eventually he will stop talking out of nothing other than self defense. I would still tell him how you feel, I would just try not to show him - unless of course you feel good then show him all you want to. Does that make sense?
FWIW my wife was exceedingly good at this - it really is a helpful and productive thing for reconciliation.
