Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 42 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Sorry for the apparent racist-sexist-condescending sounding post title. I don't mean to come across as such but my situation is a bit culture-specific (if not entirely). I am a Nepalese man and have been married for six years. Ours is a joint family (see here). Generally in my culture we live with our parents - we don't move out, the family simply gets bigger when a child grows up and gets married. Women however have to move of their parent's house and move into their husband's house (effectively their in-laws' house) upon marriage.

From the very start my wife has insisted on using her father's house as her official "permanent address" in passport forms, bank forms, etc. Now that is very awkward - once you're married, you are expected to accept your husband's address as your permanent one (divorce is very rare and generally unthought of). Hence whenever there is a new form to fill, I can feel the uneasiness in my other family members - to their mind my wife appears hell bent on standing apart from my family. It's a source of shame.

For example if my father has to submit a form somewhere where my wife's permanent address needs to be stated, the person accepting the form will look at her info and think there's a mistake. This will lead to a discussion and in the end the person accepting the form will make a judgmental comment such as "that's wrong" or "your daughter-in-law must not have fitted in very well" or "you guys treat your daughter-in-law well, right?" (Believe me, people in our parts are quite nosey!) At the end of the day my dad of course will not return home a happy man.

I personally don't like all this either, and once asked my wife why she does this. She replied that she didn't like the traditional notion that a woman has to change her maiden name and even her permanent address upon getting married. I respect her stand and had asked her not to change her maiden name when we got married. But the address part I don't get. I mean, even for purely practical reasons it seems absurd - in my country the postal service is notorious for completely disregarding the "temporary/present address" info. Plus all the above of course.

How do I address this situation? If you have encountered a similar situation in your life, how did you deal with it? What is your stand on the address issue?

Thank you for reading.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Hello,
I am an asian too... And the same thing that your believed I too had the same problem with my in-laws... However I did refuse to stay with my maiden name... And about the address I think you should speak to her (that's what hubby did) and since then if I have any private forms I use my dad's address.. But any other forms where his family is concerned he simply puts their address.. Which I really don't mind..I don't know if I have helped you but I have been there so that's what I did..
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
Hello,
I am an asian too... And the same thing that your believed I too had the same problem with my in-laws... However I did refuse to stay with my maiden name... And about the address I think you should speak to her (that's what hubby did) and since then if I have any private forms I use my dad's address.. But any other forms where his family is concerned he simply puts their address.. Which I really don't mind..I don't know if I have helped you but I have been there so that's what I did..
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,015 Posts
Why not use the address where you and she live? As an American who is not tied to your customs, it seems to me she is creating a rift where none need exist.

Is she trying to pressure you into moving out of your parents' house?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
@pinky2129 My wife uses her father's address irrespective of whether the form is coming from her family or mine, and whether the form is private or not. I have talked to my parents nonetheless and asked them to respect my wife's decision, but the issue periodically comes up. I can't blame my parents for not being understanding since my wife's behavior goes against the norm here.

@Thor she lives with me and my family, so yes she is creating a bit of a rift. What's more surprising is that even her family thinks she should be using our address since she's married now. But my wife continues being sentimental (I don't think she wants me to move out btw). An extra effort needs to be made to fetch her mails from her father's house while the rest of us get our mail delivered to our house.

What do you guys suggest I should do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
@wifeofhusband yes, asserting some sort of independence is her only reason. However, the reasoning behind her reason is puzzling - she insists that she doesn't want to be discriminated because she's a girl, i.e. I didn't have to change my permanent address after marriage. I'm all up for women being as independent as men, but her stand is simply impractical. I have no idea how to dissuade her from this practice of hers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
@wifeofhusband She actually doesn't have much of a life outside work.. and it's not that she's very connected to her own family either. For example she rarely calls them up. It's true that there does seem to be an emotional gulf between them - my wife claims that her brother, being the son, was the preferred child in the family, and that she never got the attention she deserved.

My wife is a very headstrong woman who holds onto her views until faced with utmost adversity. That her view may be wrong doesn't really matter.

Has she really given up on something out of the ordinary by getting married to me? No. In our culture as I said women come to live with their husbands - that's the norm. This tradition she can't seem to digest in principle. I'm fine with that, but she's completely ignoring the social awkwardness that she's causing us, plus the occasional hassle.

Unfortunately this isn't the only issue I have had with her - see here (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/40791-my-wife-asexual.html).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
958 Posts
Obviously one problem you have with American is that equality is our benchmark. I remember having an Indian secretary and was amazed at how much she was expected to do for her husband's family. Obviously it's difficult for a woman getting mixed messages from both cultures.

If there were some legitimate problem with the address, that is one thing, but there apparently isn't. Your pushy dominating family believe she is not subservient enough and you're taking their side instead of your wife's. (I can feel the uneasiness in my other family members - to their mind my wife appears hell bent on standing apart from my family. It's a source of shame. ")

In any culture, you simply cannot let your family dominate your wife. Your marriage has to come first, and I think you need to put your wife first. She may be a traditional woman, from a traditional family, in a traditional culture, but be damn sure, if there are serious problems, she will use the American legal system to secure alimony, support, and primary custody.


Sorry for the apparent racist-sexist-condescending sounding post title. I don't mean to come across as such but my situation is a bit culture-specific (if not entirely). I am a Nepalese man and have been married for six years. Ours is a joint family (see here). Generally in my culture we live with our parents - we don't move out, the family simply gets bigger when a child grows up and gets married. Women however have to move of their parent's house and move into their husband's house (effectively their in-laws' house) upon marriage.

From the very start my wife has insisted on using her father's house as her official "permanent address" in passport forms, bank forms, etc. Now that is very awkward - once you're married, you are expected to accept your husband's address as your permanent one (divorce is very rare and generally unthought of). Hence whenever there is a new form to fill, I can feel the uneasiness in my other family members - to their mind my wife appears hell bent on standing apart from my family. It's a source of shame.

For example if my father has to submit a form somewhere where my wife's permanent address needs to be stated, the person accepting the form will look at her info and think there's a mistake. This will lead to a discussion and in the end the person accepting the form will make a judgmental comment such as "that's wrong" or "your daughter-in-law must not have fitted in very well" or "you guys treat your daughter-in-law well, right?" (Believe me, people in our parts are quite nosey!) At the end of the day my dad of course will not return home a happy man.

I personally don't like all this either, and once asked my wife why she does this. She replied that she didn't like the traditional notion that a woman has to change her maiden name and even her permanent address upon getting married. I respect her stand and had asked her not to change her maiden name when we got married. But the address part I don't get. I mean, even for purely practical reasons it seems absurd - in my country the postal service is notorious for completely disregarding the "temporary/present address" info. Plus all the above of course.

How do I address this situation? If you have encountered a similar situation in your life, how did you deal with it? What is your stand on the address issue?

Thank you for reading.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
395 Posts
If you respect your wife and her wishes, then you had better be supporting her in this situation and not just being your family's puppet. I'm very sorry, but, if you're man enough to marry her, then you're man enough to stand by her when you agree with her choices -- especially since she is not actually doing anything to shame anybody (unless you count the fact that she isn't just obeying blindly what people are regulating based on gossip). You should value your relationship with your wife more than gossip and what other people might be saying or thinking -- even your own family.

Now, if she was cheating on you or doing something truly objectionable and she refused to listen to reason, then you'd have a problem.

Tell your parents and the gossipy community that you are fine with her choices and they should just accept it. Don't engage them in manipulative conversation about it afterwards. They will get over it; trust me. If you don't stand by your wife now, you'll be shown as a guy who wasn't worthy of her and she might eventually leave you. Hell, I'd leave you if I were her. Also, no woman is going to be attracted to a man who can't defend her and who chooses to side with oppressive behavior instead of with her, so if you aren't having problems with that already, I imagine that you will, at some point. This is not a small thing and it has the potential to destroy your marriage if you don't man up and defend your wife against these people who are just pushing her around.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
@Bobby5000, @desert-rose: there's a very good reason that my post is addressed to people from specific ethnicities. You guys clearly didn't get my problem and are instead judging me by your Westernized views - i.e. that I am not manning up and am just being male chauvinistic as is the norm in my culture.

You're wrong - this has nothing to do with male chauvinism or women having to be subservient. Different cultures just operate differently. If you don't understand that, please visit a library (and no, I am not telling you that in a condescending way - I am sincerely asking you to educate yourselves in different cultures before you rush to conclusions about my society or the state of my marriage).
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,503 Posts
@Bobby5000, @desert-rose: there's a very good reason that my post is addressed to people from specific ethnicities. You guys clearly didn't get my problem and are instead judging me by your Westernized views - i.e. that I am not manning up and am just being male chauvinistic as is the norm in my culture.

You're wrong - this has nothing to do with male chauvinism or women having to be subservient. Different cultures just operate differently. If you don't understand that, please visit a library (and no, I am not telling you that in a condescending way - I am sincerely asking you to educate yourselves in different cultures before you rush to conclusions about my society or the state of my marriage).
Strange,

I remember your other thread very well. Your wife has definite issues about marriage. The others need to read that thread as well if they have not already.

Now that you bring up this new topic, I wonder if her refusal to sexually consummate your marriage is tied the the same issue... whatever it is.

While I am not of your culture, I have lived in similar cultures and understand much of how they operate. Your wife seems to have a need to defy a lot of the traditions of marriage... to include the sexual part.

I do not recall.. is your marriage an arranged marriage? How old in your wife?’

Does your wife complain about your family being too controlling, or too much in her business. I wonder if she is concerned that they might withhold mail from her or read her mail. I’m not saying that they would, but that she is concerned about that. Or in your culture would it be acceptable for the elders of a family to open the mail of younger members, especially their son’s wife?

I wonder if this address issue as very closely tied to the sexual issue. My guess is that your wife does not want to follow tradition. The address and the sex… they are ways of her sticking her finger in the eye of tradition and those who want her to behave in a particular manner. Unfortunately you are the guy who is suffering for it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
17 Posts
:sleeping:
there are many reasons that you must foresee before you act or solve the question...
is clima or artistic picture of Asia that born and grow sad and dreaming migrant people, for exp the unpure,unclear yellow color...
another reason is that we are created and grow up,educated, by aliens, or God system once upon a time, that means greek deep culture, that is a heavy culture and cause problems....
:iagree:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
@Dar-li didn't get you at all..

@EleGirl I really don't know if her sexual issue is in the same vein as this one. She definitely doesn't want to conform to tradition. My marriage was not an arranged one - we fell in love and got married within six months or so. Before our marriage she acted as if she was quite traditional and hence gained acceptance within my family. After the marriage it was a different story.

My wife is 30. She used to complain about my family being "too involved" (basically meaining they were too traditional) and she did not seem to respect my family's values at all. All that changed when we were on the verge of breaking up and then decided to do a trip back home, just to see how things played out. Turns out she loved our Nepal trip and now finds no fault with my family. Basically I think she realized that she doesn't want to lose me and that my family have been well-meaning all along.

By well-meaning or traditional I don't mean to imply that anybody from my family would ever withhold mail from her or read her mail. In my culture that wouldn't be unacceptable, but my family isn't like that - we respect each other's privacy.

I am indeed the guy suffering for all of it. How do you suggest I address all this - or at least this permanent address issue? Since you have followed my previous thread, please also see http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/41758-breaking-down-when-things-could-work-out.html. That's how things are for me currently :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
395 Posts
@Bobby5000, @desert-rose: there's a very good reason that my post is addressed to people from specific ethnicities. You guys clearly didn't get my problem and are instead judging me by your Westernized views - i.e. that I am not manning up and am just being male chauvinistic as is the norm in my culture.
As a woman from the SouthWest-Asian community, I assure you that I am from your intended audience and I do understand the role of culture in your situation.

It doesn't sound like you want actual opinions, just someone to justify your own opinion. I think it's a little counter-productive just to discount the opinions of people who are making an effort to answer your own question that you solicited by writing them off as too ignorant to understand you.

As you have expressed the issue here in this thread, this problem isn't about culture but communication and support; hiding behind culture isn't going to help you solve your problem. This is about you choosing not to stick up for your wife when people are pushing her around -- at least it seems that way based on what you have expressed.

You can listen to people's opinions or you can ignore them, but remember that you're the one who solicited them in the first place. Better to think about them to see if you might find something outside your usual thought patterns; that is the value of seeking outside opinions, after all.

She used to complain about my family being "too involved" (basically meaining they were too traditional) and she did not seem to respect my family's values at all.

How do you suggest I address all this - or at least this permanent address issue?
Too involved is not the same thing as too traditional. Try to *listen* to what she is telling you the problem is for her.

You should address this by talking to her directly about the problem and if she won't deal with it then by taking her to counseling. My tone to you is harsh because it looks to me like you're letting culture, family, and uncertainty take too big apart in your own life and they are becoming obstacles. "Man up" doesn't mean you're not a man, it means you need to act with more agency and certainty and confidence about the things that you need to deal with, without giving too much value to the obstacles in your way ("Woman up" would be just as appropriate if you were a woman, which you are not).

Maybe she doesn't want to consummate the marriage because she isn't sure it's going to last and then she won't have her virginity as her value anymore. Something is keeping her from putting both feet in the marriage. I suspect that she doesn't truly believe you will be there for her in the ways that she needs you to be and that's why she isn't all in. So, try talking to her directly about it. And stop letting community interference destroy your chance at a reasonable marriage with someone you chose.

---
I'm going to bow out of the conversation because I don't want this to be personal and I have no intention of making you feel attacked or offended. I'm just trying to give you a response that might help you, not trying to attack your connection to your culture. I wish you luck and hope you guys get your issues sorted out. You started your relationship with love, so keep that love in sight as you struggle through the rest.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,503 Posts
How do you suggest I address all this - or at least this permanent address issue?
There are two ways that you can handle this address issue. One is to try to get her to see what you believe is the right way. The other is to respect her decision.

Trying to get her to accept what you and your family consider to be the right way is not working. It has not worked in 6 years. So give up on it right now. If this address issue is the worse thing that happens in your married life-time you are a lucky man.

Your wife has some issue that she is not communicating well to you. From what you have said I think that she does not want to lose herself by completely melding with your family... as though her previous life did not exist. Sometimes when feel that they lose their idenity when they marry.. for a very good reason. They often do. So maybe this is the issue.

Were I you I would let her use any silly address she wanted to. Accept her handling your own issues her own way. Just tell her that while you do not understand her reasons, you respect her decisions. If you do this and give her some time, the inconvenience of getting mail at her parents would eventually win out.

Could she get a PO Box, or the two of you get a PO Box? That way you two have something that is yours alone?

You might also want to ask your family to just drop it for now and not bring it up. That while you understand their concerns, you wife's point of view has to be respected as well. She might every well come around as time goes on. The more your family get on her case about this the more she will dig her heals in and act this way.

I wonder if you and your wife were to get your own apartment if she would start to open up to you.

I'm trying to get more a picture of what makes your wife click. What kind of a job does she have? How much of a college education does she have? Is she a supervisor over people at work?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
@desert-rose I'm sorry if I've offended you in return, that wasn't my objective either. I understand you're trying to help but you sounded too harsh and as you understand I'm quite sensitive at this point. (Also read below, and if possible my other threads.)

@EleGirl truth be told I consider this a very minor issue in my troubled marriage. In the worst case my parents are going to be grumpy about this once in a while, then forget about it. I think my thread made this issue sound way more serious than it actually is.

I also failed to point out that I do respect my wife's stand on this matter even though I don't agree with it. Only a few days ago my father brought this up again and I defended my wife. I didn't even bring this up later on with my wife (she was at work when I had this conversation with my parents) - I didn't feel it was necessary.

I don't think this whole issue is major enough by itself to drag my wife to counseling for. My problem with her stand on this matter is twofold:

1] She seemed absolutely traditional before our marriage, and just changed the next day we got married. When I asked her back then why she wouldn't use our address as her permanent one she gave me the response I've stated before in this thread. I respected it and have respected it since, although it annoys me.

But this actually goes deeper: three years after my marriage one day she told me candidly that she was trying so hard to be accepted by my family that she eventually became somebody else. All this changed when she got married and she had her "oh ****" moment- she realized that she had given us a false picture. Thereafter, instead of living up to the persona she had projected, she reverted with vigor to her usual self, which left all of us puzzled and gave rise to many misunderstandings.

Anyway, after I recovered from my shock of hearing her words, I confronted her about why she hadn't told me all this before. She instantly dismissed the whole thing as just idle talk and told me I need not take what she just said seriously. Ever since she alternates between "that was just something I had said not seriously" and "no, when did I ever say that?" And needless to say it haunts me.

2] It annoys me because her stand is impractical (mail going to two places for the same household) and seems deliberately anti-traditional. It's plain strange coming from somebody who started calling my mom "Ma" way before we got married (although my mom hadn't asked her to).

Given all this, how do you suggest I talk to my wife about this?

If my wife were to get an apartment with me she'd probably use that address. But she doesn't want to not live with my parents (too anti-traditional and considered shameful), and neither do I.

My wife has an undergrad from a foreign university. Her father used to be a very high official, but he chose to live in his wife's flat instead of living with his family or independently (considered disgraceful in my culture). So I understand my wife is always subconsciously defending that. My wife works as a manager in retail and is quite successful in her job.

Hope I'm making any sense at all here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
395 Posts
@desert-rose I'm sorry if I've offended you in return, that wasn't my objective either. I understand you're trying to help but you sounded too harsh and as you understand I'm quite sensitive at this point. (Also read below, and if possible my other threads.)
No harm, no foul. We're five by five.


I don't think this whole issue is major enough by itself to drag my wife to counseling for. My problem with her stand on this matter is twofold:


But this actually goes deeper: three years after my marriage one day she told me candidly that she was trying so hard to be accepted by my family that she eventually became somebody else. All this changed when she got married and she had her "oh ****" moment- she realized that she had given us a false picture. Thereafter, instead of living up to the persona she had projected, she reverted with vigor to her usual self, which left all of us puzzled and gave rise to many misunderstandings.

Anyway, after I recovered from my shock of hearing her words, I confronted her about why she hadn't told me all this before. She instantly dismissed the whole thing as just idle talk and told me I need not take what she just said seriously. Ever since she alternates between "that was just something I had said not seriously" and "no, when did I ever say that?" And needless to say it haunts me.
Sounds like she was just trying to be someone else, someone she thought you wanted her to be, instead of being herself. Sounds like she has realized that and now feels trapped a little by the fact that she made a commitment and wasn't true to herself. Sounds also like she cares for you and wishes she could make it work, but is at odds with herself. Maybe she is just depressed and confused?

This IS substantial enough an issue that you guys should go to counseling. Counseling isn't a punishment or a last resort or any indication of insanity, it's a way to make things better. It's a way to communicate the things that you're not able to communicate in the context of whatever is going on. If you want to have a house built, wouldn't you go to an architect to seek counsel? You wouldn't just stare at plans and blueprints without making sense of them, right? Psychologists are trained to help people figure things out, so try it. It can't hurt, right?

You can guess all you want about what's causing the problem (which won't do you any good) or you can try to address it. Ultimately, you have to talk TO her and figure out what's going on because she's the only one who knows. You can't just try to change her mind or behavior, you have to try and understand and go from there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
@desert-rose I'm happy to see you didn't abandon my thread. I started going to a counselor (my wife refused therapy) and after a few sessions my counselor said that she couldn't really help, we need to see an MC.

Of course my wife refused. After many arguments and lots of pleading and threatening she finally consented to seeing an IC, then stopped after two sessions. Since our Nepal trip she's a lot more positive and has started seeing an IC again. Seems like she is at least coming face to face with her issues.

I am trying my best to understand her, but I think it pretty much all went horribly wrong when she decided to fake herself to win over our hearts. She's confused and at odds with herself, but she's not depressed. The thing is her natural reaction to confusion is denial, and that hasn't helped.

Still, I have been trying for six years, and I'm determined to find out if we really can love each other to the fullest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,015 Posts
OK I just read your other post about your wife not consummating your marriage.

You are not married. You do not have a "marriage" or any normal romantic relationship with her. She is a broken person for some reason. Without her getting a lot of good therapy she is not going to be a normal partner for you.

All cultural issues aside, she is a deeply damaged person. I am sorry for what you are going through, and I am saddened for whatever she has experienced to make her like this. She is suffering too.

My sincere suggestion is that you seek an annulment of your marriage. This is not a divorce, it is the marriage being declared never existing.

Perhaps you can explain if there is a cultural difference, but in my view there is only one legitimate need or function which is filled by marriage. That is sex, and the related result - children. You can have friendships without being married. You can feel love for a woman without being married. You can even share a house with a woman without being married and without having sex. Being married implies you and your wife are family. Husbands and wives enjoy a life long sexual intimacy which is part of the bonding which only two people can create. You cannot have this experience with other people, at least not at the same time. Husbands and wives are generally expected to become parents and raise children in a family.

Your wife is refusing to take on any of the legitimate roles or functions of a wife. You have never had a marriage except on paper. I don't suggest you threaten her with divorce or threaten her with an annulment. She has deep beliefs which she is not going to change with a little bit of pressure from you.

I'm sorry you are in this position. I think you need to decide which is more important to you, your own life or avoiding whatever disappointment your parents might feel about you getting an annulment. You deserve your own life and you deserve to seek meaningful happiness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
Thanks @Thor. Here's a shocker: turns out I'm _not_ a virgin. Apparently we had had sex once - on the night when I first told her, very seriously, that I couldn't live with her like this.

We fought; she felt betrayed (strangely); and then we ended up making out. The whole episode indeed happened but it constantly skips my conscious mind because that whole fight and its aftermath is a blur to me. It was just too many intense emotions going off at the same time. I recall the fact that the "love making" happened but honestly cannot remember at all what the experience was like.

(Well I somewhat do- it was confusing and I wasn't even sure that the shot was fired in the right place, if you get what I mean. Overall a very confusing and underwhelming experience- so much so that I don't even remember it usually. I only found out about this because I vaguely remembered it after posting here and confirmed with my wife. Anyway, forgettable make-up sex once is probably worse than not having sex ever- and I feel like a virgin anyway. Nonetheless, since the "sex" happened I don't think I could get the marriage annulled- correct me if I'm wrong here.)

****

My wife is finally undergoing therapy and seems serious about it. She indeed is a complex character. One of the reasons that she turned out the way she did is her troubled relationship with her parents- she claims that she was treated as the "second-class child" of the house when she was growing up. I.e., her brother was the favored child - he was the one who always got the better presents, more attention, and even his choice of education (expensive school compared to her having no say in which school she would have to go to).

While this may seem strange, this sadly used to be the case in many traditional households in the Indian subcontinent. But not in recent memory- and in my family at least all this is completely alien. But even by the standards of traditional families my wife's family seems to be an extreme case. My wife's mother reportedly called her a "wh*re" when she started having her periods quite young.

So naturally my wife turned out to be a really stubborn person. By the time she was in high school she was her own person and would not take orders or advice from anybody. But it's not that she didn't exactly have a role model- my father in law is a lot like she is. He absolutely doesn't care about social protocol and doesn't give a s**t about what another person might feel.

It's hard to tell how factual my wife's claims of childhood neglect are, especially since her social aloofness, stubbornness and hotheadedness parallel her father's. Plus, my in laws strongly deny my wife's claims and seem quite saddened by them (my wife counter-claims that they're in denial). I have seen however that both my in laws call their son almost on a daily basis; but they hardly ever call up my wife. My wife in turn rarely ever calls them up. That all this is in stark contrast with my family and creates a lot of tension would be a profound understatement.

Anyway, the reason I brought all this up is because my wife doesn't even seem to realize how much her unresolved issues with her parents are affecting her as a person. I pointed it out to her on a few occasions, but she took offense. I'm highly unconvinced that she will have shed proper light on it during her counseling sessions.

****

Despite whatever issues my wife may have, my chief complaint against her is that she never put any effort into our marriage- until I was adamant that I would leave her if she didn't address our situation (sexlessness plus her poor relationship with my family). No amount of past bad experiences can justify that, and it just makes me question whether our relationship is at all her priority. For instance she never really wanted to be intimate or have a good relationship with my family. If she could get by, she would prefer to get by. My great mistake was that I was so patient all along, foolishly hoping she would one day grow up...

I definitely know better now and would like to make sense of my life. I want to wait and see how committed she really is to fixing our marriage, and if I'm not convinced I'm not going to stay anymore.
 
1 - 20 of 42 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top