Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 45 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My question is for BS and WS that have over 5 years in R

What are your top (3) three reasons why your R has lasted over 5 years?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,291 Posts
I am not over 5 years. A little over 3 years.

For me, Kids.
She still has concern for me.
I know from my heart that I want to grow old with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Maybe asking for 5 years in R is not so applicable to this forum.
I have heard it stated that very few 5+ years couples in R are on this forum


Will lower it to 3 years

Thank you AngryandUsed for your comments
I think that after a certain amount of time you come off such high emotions and you then have to see what carries the next R years of the daily grind.

I think that it would be helpful for those that are in R for months to know what ground work to be laying now or in the near future.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
If reconciliation is purely for the kids it won't work.
There has to be more!
Yes they factor into it but I would never have reconciled purely for the kids!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
970 Posts
If reconciliation is purely for the kids it won't work.
There has to be more!
Yes they factor into it but I would never have reconciled purely for the kids!
Posted via Mobile Device
No but the kids are the initial motivation, at least. Without the kids would you have reconciled?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
We were in false R for 3 years. We did it for the kids mainly - but also because we both wanted to see if we could re-connect. The reason it didn't last is there was not total honesty. We worked on our relationship, but my STBXW could not bring herself to tell me that her EA had morphed into a PA (3 years ago). This secret killed any chance to truly become closer and trust each other. I suspected, my wife built a shell around herself to protect the secret, and ended up distancing herself from me AND the family. So the R never had a chance. Ironically, she confessed 2 weeks after we separated, saying she couldn't tell me because of shame, guilt and wanting to "protect me". [email protected] Had she done this 3 years ago, we would have separated sooner and I sincerely believe we might be back together and in a better place with each other.

If you are trying to R - you must have total disclosure at the beginning of R. Otherwise, each new truth sets you back and the longer the lies fester, the more damaging they are. You need to re-build trust and you cannot do this if there are secrets.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
No but the kids are the initial motivation, at least. Without the kids would you have reconciled?
Impossible to answer really.
I had him back because despite everything I still loved him and thought we could have a good marriage.
When he asked to reconcile, I told him it had to be because he wanted ME and wanted to be with me, otherwise I didn't want it!
He agreed.
Sorry to thread jack op!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
970 Posts
Impossible to answer really.
I had him back because despite everything I still loved him and thought we could have a good marriage.
When he asked to reconcile, I told him it had to be because he wanted ME and wanted to be with me, otherwise I didn't want it!
He agreed.
Sorry to thread jack op!
Posted via Mobile Device
Lets take the kids away for the moment, would you still bet your money on the "we could have a good marriage" gamble?

And its hardly a thread jack given that it concerns reasons for R
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
Kids are a valid reason to attempt R. But kids grow up. So you need to R for additional reasons - otherwise you're going to be empty nesters who hate each other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
970 Posts
Kids are a valid reason to attempt R. But kids grow up. So you need to R for additional reasons - otherwise you're going to be empty nesters who hate each other.
Good point. But would people even consider R if they didn't have kids? What is the major motivating factor in the early days?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,140 Posts
On dday the WW thinks the OM is the best thing since sliced bread.
The BH wishes his WW is dead.

Not a good begining to recover a marriage.

However using the kids as a motivation for the both of them to work through their issues the marriage can be recovered and be better then pre dday.

Thing is the BS and the WS have to do all that is required. Or the damage will not be repaired. As Cedarman said his WW would not be truthful about the affair.

So many marriages stay together post dday though they limp along forever because the work was never done or they divorce.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
Good point. But would people even consider R if they didn't have kids? What is the major motivating factor in the early days?
I think kids are a major factor in considering R. I know that if it wasn't for kids, I wouldn't have tried. (Ironically, if it wasn't for kids, we probably wouldn't have got into trouble, since it was the pressure and too much of my time with the kids that my wife resented.)

So agree, kids are a valid and a GOOD reason to attempt R. But there has to be more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
3 years out.
1) Once she came back to reality she voluntaryly destroyed any trace of the affair in her mind, let OM go, completely renounced to fond memories, then showed me her love and worked on herself to find out how/why she went to that path and then corrected the vulnerabilities within to make herself a safe person to be with.
2) She humbled herself, toke the responsability, owned her stuff, respected me, was patiente with my rollercoaster, empathetic to my pain, proactive into repairing the trust and assist me to heal from it.
3) Once I figured her out and saw the effort she did/was doing to repair the marraige I decided I wanted a happy, romantic, intimate marraige with her again so I chose to let go the pain, gave up to punish her, to consider her as an aqual partner, didn't let me off the hook with my own stuff. Decided to forgive to live in the now and in the future.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
...I decided I wanted a happy, romantic, intimate marraige with her again so I chose to let go the pain, gave up to punish her, to consider her as an aqual partner, didn't let me off the hook with my own stuff. Decided to forgive to live in the now and in the future.

This is what I didn't do. At one point, my wife WAS working really hard on us. And I still wonder if I had simply let go of my mistrust, whether my wife would have, on her own - confessed completely. Letting go of the past is a requirement for R and in order to let go, the past has to be fully disclosed. It doesn't really matter which happens first, but both are required.

At any rate - R is definitely hard work and I admire the couples who are working on it together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Originally Posted by daisygirl 41
Impossible to answer really.
I had him back because despite everything I still loved him and thought we could have a good marriage.
When he asked to reconcile, I told him it had to be because he wanted ME and wanted to be with me, otherwise I didn't want it!
He agreed.
Sorry to thread jack op!

Not a thread jack at all. You stipulated that he must want you for R. I think that anyone that wnats a r for more than 5 yeasr would have to have your stipulation

How long have you been in R?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
By Cedarman

We were in false R for 3 years. We did it for the kids mainly - but also because we both wanted to see if we could re-connect. The reason it didn't last is there was not total honesty. We worked on our relationship, but my STBXW could not bring herself to tell me that her EA had morphed into a PA (3 years ago). This secret killed any chance to truly become closer and trust each other. I suspected, my wife built a shell around herself to protect the secret, and ended up distancing herself from me AND the family. So the R never had a chance. Ironically, she confessed 2 weeks after we separated, saying she couldn't tell me because of shame, guilt and wanting to "protect me". [email protected] Had she done this 3 years ago, we would have separated sooner and I sincerely believe we might be back together and in a better place with each other.

If you are trying to R - you must have total disclosure at the beginning of R. Otherwise, each new truth sets you back and the longer the lies fester, the more damaging they are. You need to re-build trust and you cannot do this if there are secrets.
One of the reasons that I initially set the R for 5 years was that I read on this forum that it takes a minimum 5 years to see if the R is going to last. It would be very hard for someone to be in R for 5 years if it was not real; right?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Originally Posted by Acabado
...I decided I wanted a happy, romantic, intimate marraige with her again so I chose to let go the pain, gave up to punish her, to consider her as an aqual partner, didn't let me off the hook with my own stuff. Decided to forgive to live in the now and in the future.





By Cedarman

This is what I didn't do. At one point, my wife WAS working really hard on us. And I still wonder if I had simply let go of my mistrust, whether my wife would have, on her own - confessed completely. Letting go of the past is a requirement for R and in order to let go, the past has to be fully disclosed. It doesn't really matter which happens first, but both are required.

At any rate - R is definitely hard work and I admire the couples who are working on it together

Although your post is not exactly what I asked about it is very important information and I am glad that you posted it.
I think maybe your post could help someone

Thanks Cedarman,
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
One of the reasons that I initially set the R for 5 years was that I read on this forum that it takes a minimum 5 years to see if the R is going to last. It would be very hard for someone to be in R for 5 years if it was not real right?
Even 3 years of false R was a long time. I can't see anybody doing 5 years unless it was real. Or, unless they were both emotionally dead, so it didn't matter that there wasn't any love or trust.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
By Acabado

3 years out.

1) Once she came back to reality she voluntaryly destroyed any trace of the affair in her mind, let OM go, completely renounced to fond memories, then showed me her love and worked on herself to find out how/why she went to that path and then corrected the vulnerabilities within to make herself a safe person to be with.

2) She humbled herself, toke the responsability, owned her stuff, respected me, was patiente with my rollercoaster, empathetic to my pain, proactive into repairing the trust and assist me to heal from it.

3) Once I figured her out and saw the effort she did/was doing to repair the marraige I decided I wanted a happy, romantic, intimate marraige with her again so I chose to let go the pain, gave up to punish her, to consider her as an aqual partner, didn't let me off the hook with my own stuff. Decided to forgive to live in the now and in the future.
OUTSTANDING Acabado!!
Your actions and your wife’s actions should be included in every R especially in the beginning IMO!

Usted no es tonto que es sabio y humilde
 
1 - 20 of 45 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top