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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As you can see from my post count, I am a newbie. I was married to a beautiful woman who ended up being a serial betrayer. After the third guy I found about I threw her out for good. I remarried 2 years later and have been wonderfully with her for 10 years. Wifey and I had a conversation about infidelity recently and we disagreed on 1 point, so I thought I'd throw it out if anyone had an opinion (and this is 100% hypothetical only)...

Let us say a spouse (either he or she) was married and it was a healthy one. That person went on a business trip for a week or so, ended going out for dinner with a group, had a bit too much to drink and ended up in bed with someone not their spouse. They felt terrible about it to the point of nausea and deeply depressed. It was out of character and they vowed it to never happen again. It was a true one night stand that was not intended in any way.

Should they tell their spouse?

I say yes. I believe that within a marriage there has to be complete transparency about this sort of stuff and let the chips fall where they may. If the marriage is good, it should survive and it is also good for accountability sake.

Wifey says no. She thinks that so long as it was a 100% unintended accident there is not need to damage an otherwise healthy marriage for a one time fluke. Let that betraying person suffer alone and vow to never be in a position to do so again.

So, how think ye?

Yes or no?
 

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Wifey says no. She thinks that so long as it was a 100% unintended accident there is not need to damage an otherwise healthy marriage for a one time fluke. Let that betraying person suffer alone and vow to never be in a position to do so again.
Wow. Just wow.

I'm sorry to say, but that would be a huge red flag in my book.

I refuse to be with anyone who can't tell me the truth,
no matter how painful it is/would be to hear.

There's no "accident" in taking your pants off.
 

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I say yes, because the I had too much to drink and so I ended up cheating isn't the easy to hide behind excuse it is so often used as.

First, the unfaithful behavior that led to having sex with the OW/OM didn't very likely start when the WS as out of control drunk. It started well before that. The drunkeness just lower the inhibitions enough to help it escalate. So the cheating began well before the last drink was downed.

Also, for this whole thing to work and just because by the booze, that would mean the WS would have been out of control and had lost all their ability to reason. If so then why didn't they give their credit cards and cash away freely? Why didn't they take the person they cheated with and give them all the cash they had and then taken them to the ATM and take out their max amount and give that away too?

Don't you find it curious that we don't hear about the scenario where the traveling spouse doesn't cheat, but instead gives away all their money and goes on a buying spree for someone they met on their trip ?

So we are to believe that the drunken spouse was too drunk to recognize that the choosing to have sex with someone else is wrong, but they are still in control enough that they are able to protect their money?

Then there is the question of them being too drunk to make decisions , which is sort of at the heart of the whole argument here. So if they were actually so drunk that they could not recognize that crossing that uncrossable line that is cheating was going down, then they must have been raped then, because someone had sex with them while they were unable to give consent. We both know however, that if you are that drunk, that in a guy nothing is going to rise to the occasion and in both sexes they would be blacking in and out of consciousness, which would mean they didn't cheat - the were raped.

In the end, the being drunk on trip isn't at all a valid argument to hide behind.
 

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Yes of course this should be told. I would be deeply concerned about your wife's opinion on this matter. Who brought up this hypothetical question? Alcohol is not an excuse to f$%k another person and get a free pass.
DWI is wrong, so is CWI - Cheating while Intoxicated. Either way your held accountable for your actions.

Well now you know if your wife does this she would never tell you. Not a real comfortable feeling.
 

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YES...

Its been my experience that this kind of behavior will continue enless its addressed. Telling your betrayed spouse is the only way to face this unhealthy choice that most poeple think is a mistake.

So first of off it not a mistake its a choice and second its a behavior pattern that will snow ball if not adressed.

Sure the waywards will have regret and will stop this behavior in the short term, but what will happen years down the road when the reget fades and all the variable are there again.

I think when it comes to unhealthy choices you need support instead of holding it in, and keeping this secret. Call it perventive maintence.
 

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The 'I was drunk' excuse is so overrated and so ridiculous that I think anyone who buys it..is a fool. Sorry for the offense but just like Shaggy said, the idea of cheating IS ALREADY THERE before the cheater gets drunk. By drinking, they make the cheating easier with less burden in their conscience.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Wow. Just wow.

I'm sorry to say, but that would be a huge red flag in my book.

I refuse to be with anyone who can't tell me the truth,
no matter how painful it is/would be to hear.

There's no "accident" in taking your pants off.
Bothered me too. A year or so I thought she may be having an affair and this answer of hers was part of my thinking. But she tells me she did not and I believe her. Those betrayed tend to be a bit paranoid.

(BTW, neither my wife or I drink. I was using that as part of the hypothetical aspect...)
 

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Bothered me too. A year or so I thought she may be having an affair and this answer of hers was part of my thinking. But she tells me she did not and I believe her. Those betrayed tend to be a bit paranoid.

(BTW, neither my wife or I drink. I was using that as part of the hypothetical aspect...)
You know the rule, bro.

Trust but verify.

Once you've been cheated on, I don't see how it could be any other way.

Glad you found someone else who makes you happy.
Wish you guys the best.
 

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As you can see from my post count, I am a newbie. I was married to a beautiful woman who ended up being a serial betrayer. After the third guy I found about I threw her out for good. I remarried 2 years later and have been wonderfully with her for 10 years. Wifey and I had a conversation about infidelity recently and we disagreed on 1 point, so I thought I'd throw it out if anyone had an opinion (and this is 100% hypothetical only)...

Let us say a spouse (either he or she) was married and it was a healthy one. That person went on a business trip for a week or so, ended going out for dinner with a group, had a bit too much to drink and ended up in bed with someone not their spouse. They felt terrible about it to the point of nausea and deeply depressed. It was out of character and they vowed it to never happen again. It was a true one night stand that was not intended in any way.

Should they tell their spouse?

I say yes. I believe that within a marriage there has to be complete transparency about this sort of stuff and let the chips fall where they may. If the marriage is good, it should survive and it is also good for accountability sake.

Wifey says no. She thinks that so long as it was a 100% unintended accident there is not need to damage an otherwise healthy marriage for a one time fluke. Let that betraying person suffer alone and vow to never be in a position to do so again.

So, how think ye?

Yes or no?
My wife agrees with you 10000000% and I agree with your wife 1000000%

My take is don't screw up my utiopia because of your stupid act. I live in a world of reality and the reality is my life WOULD be much better if my wife didn't tell me then if she did!!

There are certain things that are game changers and this is one of them. I love my life, my kids, really everything is awesome 99% of the time. My wife does go on business trips all the time and God forbid it happens, but if it does just SHHHHHHHHH my life will be unchanged. She tells me now I have doubt, concern for years everytime she takes business trip, question everything in my life, my marriage, my self esteem all for what? Some principle? A ONS that she as you said feels totally horrible about and it is never to happen again.

I'll take not knowing every day of the week!!

Now before someone sticks words in my mouth your scenario I don't want to know about. A ongoing affair with emotions, multiple meetings, etc etc investment of time YES I want to know, but that isn't the scenario you proposed!! I also believe those affairs are totally different.
 

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These answers are interesting. I asked this to 4 coworkers and they split 50/50.
Turn it around on them.

What if YOUR spouse was practicing the kama sutra and it wasn't a one time thing, would you want him/her to tell you?

What is the difference if it was one time, or not?

When you get married you take vows and that does not mean you slip up and as long as eyes that don't see heart that doesn't feel. That is wrong because.


When you take marriage vows you VOWED to remain FAITHFUL to each other.

Grab a dictionary, according to mr webster faithful means "full of faith", "stead fast in affection or allegiance, firm in ADHERANCES to promises or in OBSERVANCE of duty, true to the facts or to the truth or to an original.


As far as "opinion" goes, that ONS or onging affair are no different in their means of being a contradiction to being faithful. If any spouse commits such offense and keeps it a secret they are constantly being UNFAITHFUL and the only way to become FAITHFUL would be to confess, and ask for forgiveness and REPENT.

This "i'll keep it a secret and suffer and repent with it myself because I deserve it" is hogwash. How can you repent and remorse for an action that only "YOU" know of. Who will admonish you, yourself?

No judge, judges himself.
 

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My wife agrees with you 10000000% and I agree with your wife 1000000%

My take is don't screw up my utiopia because of your stupid act. I live in a world of reality and the reality is my life WOULD be much better if my wife didn't tell me then if she did!!

There are certain things that are game changers and this is one of them. I love my life, my kids, really everything is awesome 99% of the time. My wife does go on business trips all the time and God forbid it happens, but if it does just SHHHHHHHHH my life will be unchanged. She tells me now I have doubt, concern for years everytime she takes business trip, question everything in my life, my marriage, my self esteem all for what? Some principle? A ONS that she as you said feels totally horrible about and it is never to happen again.

I'll take not knowing every day of the week!!

Now before someone sticks words in my mouth your scenario I don't want to know about. A ongoing affair with emotions, multiple meetings, etc etc investment of time YES I want to know, but that isn't the scenario you proposed!! I also believe those affairs are totally different.

Such cowardly words. No person should be afraid of truth but be willing to accept it and realize that there is no other way than to live in truth. I sure hope you change your views.
 

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I sure hope some of the people who agree with not being told or not telling sure hope they do not do business that way.

"Its ok, I trust you, gimme here, I'll sign right away, if you turn out to be lying don't tell me please, I beg of you"
 

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Ultimately, it comes down to you and what you expect out of marriage or any commitment. I'm not an ignorance is bliss type of guy. If it truly was a mistake then own up to it and tell the truth.
For those who agree with not telling, What do you teach your children/family about being truthful?????
 

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A spouse should be told the truth. Especially with STDs.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Such cowardly words. No person should be afraid of truth but be willing to accept it and realize that there is no other way than to live in truth. I sure hope you change your views.
We will just disagree that's all :) let's hope it never happens to either of us!!

You reply almost has a religious undertone are you religious?

This is a personal question some of you are making it into a ideology or trying to say if X then Y?

It's a personal choice!!
 
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