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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In our 50's, second marriage (12 years) see previous posts. Husband advised this week he feels that 95% of the time that we are having sex he feels it is something that I treat like a job (Duty Sex). I advised that there was some truth to that statement but that I would say 50% of the time. I also said because I know sex is VERY important to him that I do engage in it sometimes when I don't feel like it (usually due to timing: tired or he will want to do it when the alarm clock has run 3 x's already and my mind is focused on getting ready for work) but I do so as a means of showing love because I know it is important to him. We average 5+ times per week. I then asked him if his needs were being met. He claims they were although this is a man that wants to go to nudist resort and likes watching other couples having sex and wants to watch me getting picked up. I've told him that this pressuring me has the reverse effect on my desire and my confidence.

Question to men who are in or have been in long term relationships/marriages, if you are getting the quantity you desire, is it an issue if we are not always into it when you want it but will still engage with you?
 

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Married for 15 years, 33 years old.

For me, and most guys I suspect, duty sex and pity sex are turnoffs. We want you to want to have sex with us. We know you can force yourself to give in. If you need to do that, it makes us feel like less of a man because you aren't attracted to us enough to share yourself with us or let us share ourselves with you.

Quantity vs quality...if you "give" us boring, unsatisfying sex whenever we ask it builds resentment. What we want is to show love and to recieve love in return through the way that we feel and express it best.

Ask yourself this: you need to get something off your chest or talk about something, but your man is busy. He says to go ahead, he's listening. So you talk, but he keeps watching tv or playing the game or whatever. Do you really feel like you connected? Sure, you got whatever was bothering you out, but do you feel like he cared very much?

Same thing with sex. When we ask for it, or for something kinky, we're looking to express our love in new, novel ways. To experience something deep with you, to push boundaries and grow with you. It brings us closer to you. We feel fulfilled, satisfied and happy because you have shown us you love us enough to share a core part of yourself with us. Or because you have explored and uncovered a deeper part of yourself in our presence and with our help.

It's very intimate to us. Why? Because sex is the area of us that's the deepest, most intimate core part of who we are. It defines us, it's the primary reason we do anything we do. Work, suffering, sacrifice, toil. All of it leads somehow back to sex with a woman. And we've chosen you as the only one we will share that part of ourselves with for the rest of our life, even though our biological drives scream at us to do otherwise.

So when you reject us outright, we hear "I don't love you right now". When you have duty or pity sex with us, we hear "I don't want to do this, but I'll do it so you stop bugging me about it." When you have sex but say no to acts, regardless of the reason, we hear "I love you, but that much."

However, when you fulfill our every whim and desire with enthusiasm, utter abandon, gusto and true enjoyment and joy, we hear "I love you utterly, completely, down to your core. I cherish exploring myself and yourself with you because it brings us closer together. I can never get enough of you. I feel comfortable enough with you to bare my soul to you, and you to me, in ways you understand even though I may not."

That's why sex is so important to us.
 

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Married for 15 years, 33 years old.

For me, and most guys I suspect, duty sex and pity sex are turnoffs. We want you to want to have sex with us. We know you can force yourself to give in. If you need to do that, it makes us feel like less of a man because you aren't attracted to us enough to share yourself with us or let us share ourselves with you.

Quantity vs quality...if you "give" us boring, unsatisfying sex whenever we ask it builds resentment. What we want is to show love and to recieve love in return through the way that we feel and express it best.

Ask yourself this: you need to get something off your chest or talk about something, but your man is busy. He says to go ahead, he's listening. So you talk, but he keeps watching tv or playing the game or whatever. Do you really feel like you connected? Sure, you got whatever was bothering you out, but do you feel like he cared very much?

Same thing with sex. When we ask for it, or for something kinky, we're looking to express our love in new, novel ways. To experience something deep with you, to push boundaries and grow with you. It brings us closer to you. We feel fulfilled, satisfied and happy because you have shown us you love us enough to share a core part of yourself with us. Or because you have explored and uncovered a deeper part of yourself in our presence and with our help.

It's very intimate to us. Why? Because sex is the area of us that's the deepest, most intimate core part of who we are. It defines us, it's the primary reason we do anything we do. Work, suffering, sacrifice, toil. All of it leads somehow back to sex with a woman. And we've chosen you as the only one we will share that part of ourselves with for the rest of our life, even though our biological drives scream at us to do otherwise.

So when you reject us outright, we hear "I don't love you right now". When you have duty or pity sex with us, we hear "I don't want to do this, but I'll do it so you stop bugging me about it." When you have sex but say no to acts, regardless of the reason, we hear "I love you, but that much."

However, when you fulfil our every whim and desire with enthusiasm, gusto and true enjoyment and joy, we hear "I love you utterly, completely, down to your core. I cherish exploring myself and yourself with you because it brings us closer together. I can never get enough of you. I feel comfortable enough with you to bare my soul to you, and you to me, in ways you understand even though I may not."

That's why sex is so important to us.
That is an f'n brilliant answer! And, I think it is also very applicable for the posts (like mine) about guys being upset or bothered by their wife or partner's sexual past. That, my friend, was the sound of the nail being directly struck on the head. Well done.
 
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I then asked him if his needs were being met. He claims they were although this is a man that wants to go to nudist resort and likes watching other couples having sex and wants to watch me getting picked up. I've told him that this pressuring me has the reverse effect on my desire and my confidence.
That's more of a perversion thing. And he wants to use you for it. If this does not fully interest you, don't do it. Always be true to yourself. He's getting his and then some. He just wants perversion.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks to the above posters--especially Aitrus. Because my H says he doesn't equate sex with love I thought I was doing the right thing but I guess not. Great insight! Thank you!
 

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Your husband might have said that so as to not upset you by seeming shallow, a horndog or a guy who seems to love you just for the sex. There is so much negative programming in our society about male sexuality from religion, sitcoms and the feminist movement. Or maybe he really doesn't realize it. Regardless of the reason, he (and you) cannot deny nature. Look at his actions, not his words.

If you were not having sex 5 days a week, or if the sex were strictly vanilla, would he be upset? If so, then sex is his primary way of expressing and recieving love. Guys that truly don't express love through sex like that are few and far between, and they are fine with vanilla sex once or twice a month, if that much. Instead they value the other Love Languages more, and get upset when they aren't utilized.

By asking for those things your husband is asking to go deeper with you. But thatbpguy is kind of right. You shouldn't be forced to do things you don't want to do. In point of fact you can't be forced because the final choice to participate is yours unless he handcuffs you or something.

But what he asks for aren't perversions. They are outside the norm of what is currently in vogue, but not by that much. Many guys desire to see their lover get chased by another guy because he knows that since your heart still loves him, it makes you more desireable to him to know that other guys want you. In a sense you are confirming to him that he is superior to the other man because you still go home with him at the end of the encounter. And that is a huge statement of love to him from you as well as a boost to his sense of himself and ego. He feels confident enough in himself and in you to take the risk of your being swept off your feet and stolen away by the other guy.

That's also why we like seeing you dolled up when you go out with us. You still dress as if you're looking to attract a mate, right in front of us no less, but we know you're coming home with us anyway because we're just that good. Huge ego booster and statement of love from you to us.

Watching others is also a turn - on for men because we are visually driven. Seeing naked women, or warching others having sex, kicks our libido up a notch to drive us to join in the act of procreating. To get our seed into the fray and compete to pass on our genes is hardwired into our biology and subconcious.

Men are not designed to be monogomous. If we were, then a subconcious switch would be flipped in our heads as soon as we committed ourselves to a woman. We would not find other females sexually attractive in any way. That switch does get flipped in nature in animals that mate for life. They do it as a matter of instinct. We limit ourselves for the sake of morality and efficient use of our personal resources.

So asking for others to join you temporarily, or for a group of friends to swing on a regular basis, is a way of giving in to our biological drive to let the genes compete to see who gets to parent the next generation. That is why conquering armies in the old days raped and pillaged - they were the superior to the defeated foe, so their seed must be better, and it must be spread and wipe out the seed of the weaker enemy. It all happens on the subconcoius level.

True perversions are things that aren't natural - animals, children, blood relatives, etc. Claiming other things as perversions are argued on the basis of morality, and morals are flexible depending on the individual. They are most often rooted in religious belief. My wife thinks that oral sex is a perversion, for instance. Anything but vanilla is a perversion to her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
Your response is, again, logical and insightful. I actually thought the same thing about pride in seeing his wife being picked up by someone else would make him feel superior/good about himself as well.

Here's the thing. If his turn on is not mine, (ex: I am not visually turned on by watching others have sex in front of me in person in fact I will find a way to not make a scene and slip away) then how can he expect me to be turned on and want him more if I'm uncomfortable?

We recently made a compromise and went to a gay bar (there were straight people there too). I wore a corset partially covered by a blouse that he wanted me to wear and he got off watching the gay guys comment about my cleavage etc. I have several friends who are gay so I felt comfortable in that environment and did not feel threatened thus I was open to the playful conversation and behavior that he likes. He speaks well of that night.

I have a hard time with the swinging thing. I told him that I do not think I am emotionally equipped to handle this and used the words "it would devastate me". Men often complain that their wives do not communicate but I do not think that I could be any clearer or precise.

Still he persists starting asking me every Thursday morning (try 4:30 AM when we first get up) on wanting to go out and do something kinky = going to swingers meet and greets, swinger clubs and/or a nudist retreat. One group was meeting at a restaurant I've been wanting us to go to for years.

I asked him why it took having that group to make us go there? Why must all of our weekend plans as far as he is concern be "kinky"--we can't we just go out with a couple who are our friends and he said that he doesn't feel pressured on saying the right thing if he goes out with this group of strangers. He said going out to dinner with his son's girlfriend's parents was like work for him because he has to worry about what he is saying (assume he is concerned about offending and hurting their feelings).

Why is he worried about their feelings when his wife is telling him involving a third party in our relationship would be devastating? It was a like a sad "aha" moment for me. I think there would be less duty sex and more spice if there was a bit more respect .
 

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To be honest, I'm having the same problem as he is - a lover who says no to the things I want to do. My case is much more severe, but the premise is still the same.

He is allowed to ask, but you are allowed to say no. There needs to be compromise and both need to enjoy what the activities are. If you are not engaging in acts he wants, he needs to accept that. Then he needs to decide if he can be happy with that limitation. If not, then he needs to leave because resentment will build and build to a boiling point within him. This is where I am currently at.

Do I believe he should leave you because you won't engage? None of us can make that choice but him. But he does need to look long and hard at what he does have. The story of a dog with two bones illustrates this perfectly.

A dog has a bone. The bone is nice and big, with bits of juicy meat still clinging to it. It's been dropped a time or two, which just adds flavor to the dog's way of thinking. He's proud of his bone, and he's on his way home to enjoy it, bone on mouth, tail and ears high, eyes bright and a little prance to his step. The dog crosses a bridge. He pauses, staring down over the side. His body goes stiff, for he spots another dog with a bone too. This bone is big and juicy, with bits of meat and delicious dirt on it. The dog says to himself "that dog doesn't look so tough. I'll just take his bone and then I'll have two delicious bones.". So the dog opens his mouth to grab the bone from the other dog. Both bones disappear with a splash. The dog goes home, head low, ears and tail droopy, a mournful song in his chest. If only he'd been satisfied with his bone.

Your husband's bone is huge, juicy, meaty and very, very dirty. He needs to think long and hard before opening his mouth and trying to get more bone. He needs to either accept that this is a limit for you, a boundary you will not cross. If he can't accept it, then he needs to move on. You can also offer counter "spices" if you wish to improve and explore with him. He should be enough of a man to recognize what he has and enjoy it.

My bone is tiny, dry and cracked. I am very close to dropping it to go in search of another. There are many, many bones.
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
To be honest, I'm having the same problem as he is - a lover who says no to the things I want to do. My case is much more severe, but the premise is still the same.

He is allowed to ask, but you are allowed to say no. There needs to be compromise and both need to enjoy what the activities are. If you are not engaging in acts he wants, he needs to accept that. Then he needs to decide if he can be happy with that limitation. If not, then he needs to leave because resentment will build and build to a boiling point within him. This is where I am currently at.

Do I believe he should leave you because you won't engage? None of us can make that choice but him. But he does need to look long and hard at what he does have. The story of a dog with two bones illustrates this perfectly.

A dog has a bone. The bone is nice and big, with bits of juicy meat still clinging to it. It's been dropped a time or two, which just adds flavor to the dog's way of thinking. He's proud of his bone, and he's on his way home to enjoy it, bone on mouth, tail and ears high, eyes bright and a little prance to his step. The dog crosses a bridge. He pauses, staring down over the side. His body goes stiff, for he spots another dog with a bone too. This bone is big and juicy, with bits of meat and delicious dirt on it. The dog says to himself "that dog doesn't look so tough. I'll just take his bone and then I'll have two delicious bones.". So the dog opens his mouth to grab the bone from the other dog. Both bones disappear with a splash. The dog goes home, head low, ears and tail droopy, a mournful song in his chest. If only he'd been satisfied with his bone.

Your husband's bone is huge, juicy, meaty and very, very dirty. He needs to think long and hard before opening his mouth and trying to get more bone. He needs to either accept that this is a limit for you, a boundary you will not cross. If he can't accept it, then he needs to move on. You can also offer counter "spices" if you wish to improve and explore with him. He should be enough of a man to recognize what he has and enjoy it.

My bone is tiny, dry and cracked. I am very close to dropping it to go in search of another. There are many, many bones.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I'm willing to spice things up just do not want to swing. This was not a bait and switch on my part like I see on some posts. This morning I offered to rent a dungeon for us as a Father's Day gift. I get this sense that whatever I will do will not be good enough or "if she does this...I can just keep pushing for the next great thing. By default, I'm a romantic. I have no interests in anyone else. My day starts at 5:30 AM (I work for him and I work full-time). 3 nights a week I work out (which he thinks is a good idea) and so I don't get home until 7:30 on those nights which is why I do offer the "Duty" sex as I recognize it is important to him even if I'm tired.

Sorry for your current experience. I hope you and your wife can find some medium ground that works for you both.
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In what real life situation are both partners going to be enthusiastic about everything 100% of the time??

Seems like were dammned if we do, and dammned if we don't...
 

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In what real life situation are both partners going to be enthusiastic about everything 100% of the time??

Seems like were dammned if we do, and dammned if we don't...
Most reasonable men don't expect 100% perfection.

I'm enthusiastic about sex 90% of the time the other 10% I'm honest with him (tired, distracted, regardless its not him)

He's cool with that and I offer a quickie or bj.

He's a happy man. :)
 

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In our 50's, second marriage (12 years) see previous posts. Husband advised this week he feels that 95% of the time that we are having sex he feels it is something that I treat like a job (Duty Sex). I advised that there was some truth to that statement but that I would say 50% of the time. I also said because I know sex is VERY important to him that I do engage in it sometimes when I don't feel like it (usually due to timing: tired or he will want to do it when the alarm clock has run 3 x's already and my mind is focused on getting ready for work) but I do so as a means of showing love because I know it is important to him. We average 5+ times per week. I then asked him if his needs were being met. He claims they were although this is a man that wants to go to nudist resort and likes watching other couples having sex and wants to watch me getting picked up. I've told him that this pressuring me has the reverse effect on my desire and my confidence.

Question to men who are in or have been in long term relationships/marriages, if you are getting the quantity you desire, is it an issue if we are not always into it when you want it but will still engage with you?
I am going to answer this for my husband as I already know how he feels on this..and very strongly....

He would outright REJECT me if he even had a HINT I was not into it...any form of DUTY sex, he'd play celibate before he'd bother me.... he is a very sensitive man in this regard..... though I'm not going to down this.. because I dearly LOVE this about him...as I am just the same ! I'd be very hurt, and out of sorts if I felt he didn't desire me.

He would choose the greatest amount of sex he could get -where I WANTED & loved being there... which these last few yrs, has been even a bit more than he could handle at times...though still...he loved being there.... I can't tell you how much that meant to ME... so in this way, I know HOW MUCH , the emotions involved, it means to him as well.

For us, we see this intimacy as the highlight of our every day.
 

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Question to men who are in or have been in long term relationships/marriages, if you are getting the quantity you desire, is it an issue if we are not always into it when you want it but will still engage with you?
I've never understood what these guys want. If he wants sex more often than you do and you oblige for him because you love him then it seems whiny for him to complain. This is assuming you are actually turned on sometimes but not all of the time. Five times weekly is a lot for a couple in their fifties so it shouldn't be offensive to him that your just not into it that often. He should be thankful his wife wants to do it for him. But we live in an entitled world.

My wife and I have been together 17 years and she rarely says no. Sometimes she's more into it and sometimes less. We're more like 2/3 times weekly but I'm sure if I wanted 5 times weekly then she'd be less into it more often. I would be happy that she was trying.
 

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I am 58, and my wife is 57; we have been married for almost 41 years. We usually average 2-3 times a week, it could be more (when my wife is fully recovered from surgery that is). Allow me to explain.

My wife has what is termed "responsive desire" (google it). This means that she rarely thinks about sex. She can even enter the act with a ho-hum attitude. However, what can start as lukewarm, most often ends with a toe-curling-rock-her-world orgasm. She really gets into it. Sure I wish she would initiate more, but I have come to accept it. I should go after her more often.

Now, there are times that she is just too tired or hurting (she deals with chronic pain) and she will say, "You go ahead tonight." So I do. I don't see that as duty sex at all, I see it as a loving wife who wants to meet my needs even though she does not really feel like it.

Sure it is better when she is turned on. I get turned on turning her on, so sometimes I say, "Thats ok...maybe tomorrow." Then again sometimes I take her up on it and go ahead.

Maybe the fact that I rock her world 90% of the time makes me not mind so much on the occasions when she just can't get into it.

I should also say that my wife is like you in that she can get preoccupied with stuff that needs done (as you do getting ready for work). Our frequency doubles when we are away on a romantic vacation and neither one of us has any responsibilities.
 

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Question to men who are in or have been in long term relationships/marriages, if you are getting the quantity you desire, is it an issue if we are not always into it when you want it but will still engage with you?
For me, quality has always meant "how hot is the person" that you are having sex with. That is how I viewed quality ever since the first time I had any kind of sexual activity with a girl. For me, at this point in my marriage/life, quality is much more important than quantity.


*Went back and reread it. You are in your 50's and have sex 5+ times a week. Holy ****. I'm thinking sex a handful of times a year when I am in my 50's.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 · (Edited)
I am 58, and my wife is 57; we have been married for almost 41 years. We usually average 2-3 times a week, it could be more (when my wife is fully recovered from surgery that is). Allow me to explain.

My wife has what is termed "responsive desire" (google it). This means that she rarely thinks about sex. She can even enter the act with a ho-hum attitude. However, what can start as lukewarm, most often ends with a toe-curling-rock-her-world orgasm. She really gets into it. Sure I wish she would initiate more, but I have come to accept it. I should go after her more often.

Now, there are times that she is just too tired or hurting (she deals with chronic pain) and she will say, "You go ahead tonight." So I do. I don't see that as duty sex at all, I see it as a loving wife who wants to meet my needs even though she does not really feel like it.

Sure it is better when she is turned on. I get turned on turning her on, so sometimes I say, "Thats ok...maybe tomorrow." Then again sometimes I take her up on it and go ahead.

Maybe the fact that I rock her world 90% of the time makes me not mind so much on the occasions when she just can't get into it.

I should also say that my wife is like you in that she can get preoccupied with stuff that needs done (as you do getting ready for work). Our frequency doubles when we are away on a romantic vacation and neither one of us has any responsibilities.
Romantic-Guy in a lot of ways I am like your wife. Trust me there is no faking with my response EVER :) I've also told H that timing is a factor. Note: some of the 4:30 in the morning sessions start with his shoving my hand in his shorts!!! Whatever happened to foreplay and saying "good morning"??? Lol...

For the past three or so weekends I have initiated in the afternoon and the experience is much better for both of us. I called that to his attention yesterday and K think he really listened. I spiced things up again and told him there is so much untapped (pardon the pun) for the two of us to experience just between us. In a happy moment and a playful tone I listed all things I would be happy to try and without any trauma or length of time said "Just no third parties". We shall see....
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Gbrad...today's 50 is like our parent's 40's. age is really a number to me :)
 
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