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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I keep noticing:

Men post saying the wife spends time with friends, eg. girls night or vacation. It is assumed this woman is no good, cheating, no morals or values, selfish and self centered, cares not for her husband and family and is basically seared with the scarftlet letter A. If the wife says she does't like to feel controlled this is even further evidence of her cheating, manipulative ways.

or

Man wants to go for a guys night out, spend time with friends. The wife complains. The man is asked...are you a doormat? Is she your mother? She is trying to control you and taking away your manhood.

So which is it? What is controlling or inappropriate and what is a normal healthy need for a life outside your spouse? And why do women keep getting the short end of the stick?

I have my own ideas. Sometimes it is obvious that a spouse is being deceitful or controlling, other times the assumptions above seem to be jumped to pretty quickly.
 

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Some time back I sat my wife down and asked her to get out her calendar.

Over the years she started to have our time taken over by other people. Mostly close relatives.

I told her that from now on our time together had the number one priority.

So we blocked out "our" time. Our time could be adjusted if we both agreed but by default it was out time.

By scheduling time I was less likely to work late. I was more likely to plan. We flat had more time together.

She / we were being taken advantage of.

You take your together time off of the top. You do not get slighted that way.

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Now as far as other activities people will vary but I am all for marriage friendly activities. Totally against certain activities, even once in a long while. You know the type that are really breaks from the marrige.

GNOs are great as long as other men are not involved for example.

This has nothing to do with controlling. It has to do with boundaries. It has to do with what one will accept in their marriage. Sorry, if you want to flirt and hang out with other men I am not going to waste my time on you.

In a way I don't care what normal is. I only care what makes my marriage happier.

I think you are stating what is called fallacies however.

But I will tell you that IMO you do not spend alone time with someone of the opposite sex not your close relative. That is called dating.
 

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I keep noticing:

Men post saying the wife spends time with friends, eg. girls night or vacation. It is assumed this woman is no good, cheating, no morals or values, selfish and self centered, cares not for her husband and family and is basically seared with the scarftlet letter A. If the wife says she does't like to feel controlled this is even further evidence of her cheating, manipulative ways.

or

Man wants to go for a guys night out, spend time with friends. The wife complains. The man is asked...are you a doormat? Is she your mother? She is trying to control you and taking away your manhood.

So which is it? What is controlling or inappropriate and what is a normal healthy need for a life outside your spouse? And why do women keep getting the short end of the stick?

I have my own ideas. Sometimes it is obvious that a spouse is being deceitful or controlling, other times the assumptions above seem to be jumped to pretty quickly.
I think you're using some pretty selective categorization here.

But to answer your question, the bottom line for me is whether a person (male or female) has the ability to keep their own beliefs, priorities, and values at the same time that they maintain their own responsibility to their partner in an honorable way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Some time back I sat my wife down and asked her to get out her calendar.

Over the years she started to have our time taken over by other people. Mostly close relatives.

I told her that from now on our time together had the number one priority.

So we blocked out "our" time. Our time could be adjusted if we both agreed but by default it was out time.

By scheduling time I was less likely to work late. I was more likely to plan. We flat had more time together.

She / we were being taken advantage of.

You take your together time off of the top. You do not get slighted that way.

-------------------

I like this idea.

As far as what I have stated being a fallacy or selective categorization, it is to degree. But its there and the contradiction just bothers me.
 

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I don't see the split you mention lasting over the time I've been here.

I do tend to see a set of common posts at once but over months they average out. There is a lot of betrayed men on this site who are offered advice to improve their actraciveness that incorporates PUA classifications of alpha/beta behavior. There has been a recent spate of threads along these lines recently. That advice finds its way into other threads where the man is deemed a doormat. However I have seen lots of posts where the woman is deemed a doormat as well.

To answer your other question, there really is no one size fits all (global) demarcation. Each spouse needs to have boundaries that they are both comfortable with. It's a question of risk management. Boundaries help reduce the risk of infidelity but they don't eliminate it. Risk depends upon the individual's. If your spouse was a habitual player when single they probably face more risk in a bar setting than an introvert does. The frequency of risky behaviors is also important. If this is something that is discussed early in a relationship they it is much better.

Most of the boundary issues I see here are when the spouses disagree and there is already a serious problem. That's when the "controlling" and "doormat" cards come to play. These issues can be resolved by prioritizing the marriage. It really isn't about control, it's about safeguarding the marriage.
 

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Married 21 years and we're do like Entropy says. Our couple time comes FIRST. Then it's family time. The rest of the free time is negotiable.

If both of you make first things first nobody gets shortchanged and there is no need to control.
 

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It depends. It depends on the people involved. It depends on the type of event. It depends on the frequency. It depends on your current marital issues. It depends on your beliefs. It depends on how late or how long you'll be gone. It depends...
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
I understand what all of you here have said. I really do and I agree on many levels but what happened to trust??? It is really the most important thing to me...to most. Now I dont trust quickly or easily, maybe my issue I admit. I dont want to be naive nor a warden. I dont want to be lorded over either. Now, I respect and consider a partners feelings and opinions about things but i do not want to feel like I need to permission to do something i want to do or for it to be assumed i cannot or will not honor my committments. That feels disrespectful and even degrading to me. I also just feel like if i have to hold on that tightly to someone, if thats what i need to do in order to keep what I have is it really worth keeping? Do I even really want it?

Dont get me wrong, respect and boundaries I understand but the lines between what is truly controlling or insecurity as opposed to showing trust and respect are blurry sometimes, alot actually. And maybe it will always be different for different people and there isnt any right or wrong answer but what works for a particular coulpe...the give and take. i dont know.
 

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Trust is important. The trust is in the marriage not individual solitary actions independent of the other. Goals are created with the marriage as a priority because of this there is trust. Trust is not blind. Trust is best achieved when each partner is in agreement with the direction they are headed and with their boundaries. But like everything else things can become misdirected. Each spouse helps the other stay on track with the marital goals.

If someone thinks that trust means one should be given free reign to do whatever without question then they really want to be single with a fvck buddy. Marriage is something more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Trust is important. The trust is in the marriage not individual solitary actions independent of the other. Goals are created with the marriage as a priority because of this there is trust. Trust is not blind. Trust is best achieved when each partner is in agreement with the direction they are headed and with their boundaries. But like everything else things can become misdirected. Each spouse helps the other stay on track with the marital goals.

If someone thinks that trust means one should be given free reign to do whatever without question then they really want to be single with a fvck buddy. Marriage is something more.
Yes, I'm not talking about a need or want of free reign to do whatever you want, live like your're single, not at all. When you are in a happy relationship you generally want to spend the majority of time with you your SO. Its just that some expectations seem to come from a lack of trust more than a difference in the shared direction of a relationship.
 
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