Quality of Sex in Marriage

10193 Views 38 Replies 22 Participants Last post by NobodySpecial, Feb 8, 2019

Frustrated_Hubby

Discussion Starter · Jan 2, 2019

I have a lingering question that has been bothering me for a while. When we have sex, sometimes I have a hair trigger other times not. Sometimes she is into it, most times not that much. Sometimes she orgasms, sometimes not. We have talked about things. She tells me I think to much about it. She tells me everything is fine. She tells me it's ok.

I don't truly believe her, but what can I do? So I have a couple questions:

1. Does your SO tell when it is not good for them?

2. How do you get better in bed without help from your SO? I have asked. I have talked. Nothing!

I believe that both the quality and quantity of sex would improve if I (or she) were better at it. Looking for suggestions.

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21 - 39 of 39 Posts

SpinyNorman

· #21 · Jan 10, 2019

inmyprime said:
Because she probably doesn’t want you to do sexual stuff FOR her, she wants you to do it TO her, for YOUR satisfaction.

Never had a woman say that to me, but I heard it is stamped on certain inflatables.

269370

· #22 · Jan 10, 2019

Diana7 said:
I have a very easy to please and laid back Aussie husband. My main aim in sex is to make sure he enjoys it, which he does.
I often ask him if there is anything else he wants to do, and he usually says no, I enjoy what we do.

I always wondered that: is this a “are you satisfied with our services” type of question or do you wish he would ask for more things?

My wife has the wildest reactions when I am insatiable and can’t get enough of her...and most of the time I can’t get enough of her.

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269370

· #23 · Jan 10, 2019

SpinyNorman said:
Never had a woman say that to me, but I heard it is stamped on certain inflatables.

Well the inflatables must have got it all figured out then

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Rocky Mountain Yeti

· #24 · Jan 10, 2019

inmyprime said:
Because she probably doesn’t want you to do sexual stuff FOR her, she wants you to do it TO her, for YOUR satisfaction.
When you are hungry, do you think much whether the food worries about whether you are chewing it efficiently? (Wow, that came out sexist!). Eat it as if you are starving!
She is self-conscious because you are (and the OP).
One of the most helpful tips my wife ever gave me was: USE me for your pleasure and my pleasure will reveal itself to you!

Don’t know where she comes up with these things....bible?

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There's no doubt that phenomenon comes into play... to a degree.

I still have to be gentle. I can't go all rough and reckless no matter how randy I am. That'd be a hard stop right there.

269370

· #25 · Jan 10, 2019

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:
There's no doubt that phenomenon comes into play... to a degree.

I still have to be gentle. I can't go all rough and reckless no matter how randy I am. That'd be a hard stop right there.

That’s not what I meant...Being ‘hungry with lust’ doesn’t mean you have to spank her around. (Not straight away anyway...

It’s just a feeling that you have to convey and it has to be genuine.

Of course there will be women who won’t respond to it; they will find raw, ‘selfish’ drive offensive...
The women who sound and say stuff like your or OP’s wife don’t sound to me like those other women hence my response...There is no one ‘fix’ for all. If there was, I would be rich(er)...

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Rocky Mountain Yeti

· #26 · Jan 10, 2019

inmyprime said:
That’s not what I meant...Being ‘hungry with lust’ doesn’t mean you have to spank her around. (Not straight away anyway...
It’s just a feeling that you have to convey and it has to be genuine.

Of course there will be women who won’t respond to it; they will find raw, ‘selfish’ drive offensive...
The women who sound and say stuff like your or OP’s wife don’t sound to me like those other women hence my response...There is no one ‘fix’ for all. If there was, I would be rich(er)...

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With that caveat, I'm on board in my experience. There have been times when she wanted me to service her with no concern for myself. But for every one of those, theres a hundred where she wants little more more than my lust.

Ragnar Ragnasson

· #27 · Jan 10, 2019

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime:
Because she probably doesn’t want you to do sexual stuff FOR her, she wants you to do it TO her, for YOUR satisfaction.

SpinyNorman said:
Never had a woman say that to me, but I heard it is stamped on certain inflatables.

That has been said to me many times. I thought it was common. (?)
I'm very into exploring a woman's whole body during sex and, there's no doubt to anyone that I'm having a great time, in so many words. I did notice when I told the woman how fine she is during sex, she'd always get into the "take me" part as one of our activities.

JamesTKirk

· #28 · Jan 10, 2019

Sometimes my W is very into it, sometimes (usually not) is just there. Personally, her being into it is what turns me on so when she's not into it I have a hard time. Anyway, we've discussed it and she says don't worry about it and I've learned to not worry about it. What can I say? She doesn't dislike it, she's happy to do it with me, she wants to please me, so she's acting in accordance with a loving partner. If she's just not into it and not really turned on every time, then that's just her. I have to admit that not every time I have sex I'm super into it but I guess guys can hide it a little easier.

So unless she seems like she's really unhappy, then just roll with it. My W will tell me when it's not good for her which is rare, in and in a rather polite way invites me to finish up.

So as long as you have really good times, then don't fret about the "meh" times. Also, my W really seems to enjoy a lot more after a glass of wine or two because she relaxes, lowers her inhibitions, and just let's go. So while I don't suggest alcohol as a crutch, maybe work in the timing to a little wine, romance, and sex. That combination usually works best with her.

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SpinyNorman

· #29 · Jan 11, 2019

Ragnar Ragnasson said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime:
Because she probably doesn’t want you to do sexual stuff FOR her, she wants you to do it TO her, for YOUR satisfaction.

That has been said to me many times. I thought it was common. (?)

Was just trying to set up a joke, I don't really discuss my sex life on here.

Ragnar Ragnasson

· #30 · Jan 11, 2019

My error 😉

Mr.Married

· #31 · Jan 19, 2019

I think if I ever asked my wife for her approval of my sexual performance she would say...."You had my approval...right up to the point you asked anyways!"

They don't like to dissect the event .... it kills it.

Reactions: 4

Phil Anders

· #32 · Jan 19, 2019

You can try the data driven approach. See if you notice a pattern to the "good" times. Could be linked to ovulation/hormones...or something you do is making her feel a certain way toward you.

And I agree with not being too tentative, self-conscious, or focused on her in the moment. Know what she likes best, and do that, certainly--but make sure you're conspicuously enjoying it for yourself because it's what YOU want, instead of trying obviously to please her.

Passion and desire unlock a lot, especially if they're a natural continuation of something that began outside the bedroom & not just an indication that you're horny.

This last is more risky, but...while too much scrutiny & checking in during sex is a turnoff, and while her being mellow doesn't necessarily mean she hates it, there's a limit to detachment in bed. At some point, a checked-out partner is a turnoff for YOU, and as one who feels the same, I see no reason to hide that.

If a woman I'm with seems very obviously "somewhere else" or preoccupied during sex, I stop & calmly suggest doing something else for a while, discussing her disengagement only if she asks why. You don't need to accept lackluster, bored sex, and that can actually work in your favor because it shows you are tuned in and care about her perceptions and fulfillment. It signals that you care about feeling connected, not just getting off.

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Plan 9 from OS

· #33 · Jan 20, 2019

How in tune are you to her cycle? More than likely, you'll notice that Days 1 - 7 maybe little to no sex due to menstruation. Days 8 and 9 could be a little iffy, days 10 - 21 good to great and days 22 - 28 could be a mixed bag. That's just one factor with hormones. Add in difficulties with small kids perhaps, difficult projects with work, stress over money, etc. etc. Biggest way to minimize bad days and maximize good (or at least better) days is COMMUNICATION.

Vinnydee

· #34 · Feb 3, 2019

My sex life has been better than my wildest dreams. My wife started out as a virgin who never even had an orgasm before and turned into a woman who reaches orgasm in under 3 minutes most times. If she cannot orgasm it is usually due to not feeling well or too tired. She will tell me as I do not want to force her to have sex. If she is just not in the mood, she will perform oral on me in an energetic way. She enjoys giving me pleasure as much as I do her. This has been going on for 46 years of or marriage. In our marriage she has more orgasms than I do as she is multi orgasmic. A few weeks ago when I told her she was being greedy for having 10 orgasms that week, she replied with, “that is 10 that you know about.”

My ex fiancé struggled to reach orgasm. When she married a woman that mystery was solved.

We are married 46+ years and what has kept our sex life vibrant and fun is good and honest communication. I tell her what I like and she tells me. No guesswork involved or pretending we liked it when we did not. My wife is willing to try any fetish or kink I suggest and that gives us a whole lot of sexual tools in our sex tool box to use.

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Ragnar Ragnasson

· #35 · Feb 8, 2019

A sex tool box. Huh. Now I'm thinking about the benefits of a literal tool box.

We have a sex drawer, and I have to play reach in until I find what I'm looking for.

Now if I just brought the whole tool box out, readily available, I'm starting to see the benefits of that.

I do have a couple tool belts.

Something to think about.

NobodySpecial

· #36 · Feb 8, 2019

Ragnar Ragnasson said:
A sex tool box. Huh. Now I'm thinking about the benefits of a literal tool box.

We have a sex drawer, and I have to play reach in until I find what I'm looking for.

Now if I just brought the whole tool box out, readily available, I'm starting to see the benefits of that.

I do have a couple tool belts.

Something to think about.

lol. DH has all our toys in a literal toolbox. It works.

Reactions: 2

Ragnar Ragnasson

· #37 · Feb 8, 2019

See?

I knew it.

Damn good idea!

Rocky Mountain Yeti

· #38 · Feb 8, 2019

Ragnar Ragnasson said:
A sex tool box. Huh. Now I'm thinking about the benefits of a literal tool box.

We have a sex drawer, and I have to play reach in until I find what I'm looking for.

Now if I just brought the whole tool box out, readily available, I'm starting to see the benefits of that.

I do have a couple tool belts.

Something to think about.

Now that's a damn funny picture. A guy strolling up to the bed wearing nothing more than a tool belt, but in each loop or compartment of the tool belt, rather than a hammer or pliers, is a vibrator or butt plug. Somebody oughta' do a meme.

Reactions: 1

NobodySpecial

· #39 · Feb 8, 2019

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:
Now that's a damn funny picture. A guy strolling up to the bed wearing nothing more than a tool belt, but in each loop or compartment of the tool belt, rather than a hammer or pliers, is a vibrator or butt plug. Somebody oughta' do a meme.

Let us know when it's done.

21 - 39 of 39 Posts

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