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I have a lingering question that has been bothering me for a while. When we have sex, sometimes I have a hair trigger other times not. Sometimes she is into it, most times not that much. Sometimes she orgasms, sometimes not. We have talked about things. She tells me I think to much about it. She tells me everything is fine. She tells me it's ok.

I don't truly believe her, but what can I do? So I have a couple questions:

1. Does your SO tell when it is not good for them?

2. How do you get better in bed without help from your SO? I have asked. I have talked. Nothing!

I believe that both the quality and quantity of sex would improve if I (or she) were better at it. Looking for suggestions.
 

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I have a lingering question that has been bothering me for a while. When we have sex, sometimes I have a hair trigger other times not. Sometimes she is into it, most times not that much. Sometimes she orgasms, sometimes not. We have talked about things. She tells me I think to much about it. She tells me everything is fine. She tells me it's ok.

I don't truly believe her, but what can I do? So I have a couple questions:

1. Does your SO tell when it is not good for them?

2. How do you get better in bed without help from your SO? I have asked. I have talked. Nothing!

I believe that both the quality and quantity of sex would improve if I (or she) were better at it. Looking for suggestions.
In reference to the suggestions to just believe your wife, please review the following recently posted chart.

 

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....... She tells me I think to much about it. She tells me everything is fine. She tells me it's ok.

I don't truly believe her
.....

1. Does your SO tell when it is not good for them?

2. How do you get better in bed without help from your SO? I have asked. I have talked. Nothing!
Is your glass of happiness half full or half empty? Listen to your wife when she tells you something. Believe her.

1. Yes, for example she told me once that she wanted to me to manicure my fingernails as they sometimes scratched her. So I file my nails the before we have sex.

2. You get better by listening to what they say (and believing their words) and how they act, and responding accordingly. Sometime you need to encourage your spouse to talk to you about what they like and if they can't verbalize it tell them to either show you with their hand what they like or give you a moan or non verbal feedback on what they like.
 

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According to my wife, there's no bigger turnoff than me worrying about if she's enjoying it, whether I'm doing it right, or especially whether or not she cums. She honestly enjoys it most when I just do it living in the moment.

The irony is that all those things i want for it to be good for her are only likely to happen if I'm not specifically focused on them. It is not logical, but it is so. It can be a difficult thing for a Type A, goal oriented, linear thinking man to adapt to.
 

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As a woman, I enjoy every second of every minute during sex with my SO. Everything from the hour long sessions where he gets off more than me or the quicky where Im off in 2 minutes and it takes him 4. There are times where I dont get off at all (not for lack of anything) but he does and I still love it all the same. I enjoy every second of it with him. And this doesnt even include foreplay or sex outside of PIV!

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You say this has been bothering you, and that's a good thing because it means there is hope for you. So, I need you to listen to me. Listen very carefully and take what I say to heart because you received some really, incredibly, unbelievably insane responses here.

DO.NOT.LISTEN.TO.THEM! And here's why......

1. You don't know what you're doing. It's just that simple. Don't take that offensively. Many guys don't know what they are doing, and so, like you, they have to wonder if their partner is getting pleased. If you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't have to wonder about it because a woman's orgasm ordinarily is not by happenstance. Her orgasm shouldn't be something you have to wonder about because you should know for certain. Her orgasms should be deliberate acts on your part, meaning you should be making sure to bring her to orgasm before you orgasm. And in order to make sure, then you have to know how to do it. For you to be wondering about it means it's not something you take care of before yours because you don't know how. I'm sure you've heard the running joke about men, who, after they are done, turn to the woman and ask "Was it good for you?" Well, that's who you sound like. I'm going to assume you have also heard the saying "She cums first" (probably took it as "She comes first"). Well, what do you think that means? It means you have to MAKE her cum.

Sometimes she is into it, most times not that much. Sometimes she orgasms, sometimes not.
Your wife is not into it sometimes and sometimes not. She's never into it. She doesn't orgasm sometimes and sometimes not. She never orgasms. A lot of women fake it. Some women fake it because they don't know what it's really like. Some women fake it because it feels nice but neither she nor the man know how to keep the feeling going. Some women fake it because she feels that if he thinks she's enjoying it, then it's more pleasurable for him, so they fake for his enjoyment. Some women fake it because it makes him cum faster, so they do it just to get it over with because they are bored and don't want to lay there forever pretending to enjoy it.

Your job is to get her into it. Your job is to MAKE her orgasm. That doesn't mean you're supposed to make her orgasm against her will. That wouldn't be possible. It means her orgasm is supposed to be the result of your deliberate actions and skills that you employ for the sole purpose of pleasuring her and bringing her to orgasm. You have to work toward her orgasm first. She might not be in the mood for sex but once sex begins, you should be able to make her enjoy it EVERY time.

Humping her and cumming and then wondering if it was good for her does not cut it. The way you are built (the glans and frenulum areas of your penis) makes sex pleasurable just because you're in the act of intercourse. Therefore, the friction created by humping is automatically pleasurable for you. But obviously women are built differently. There is nothing, no sensitive area, inside your wife's vagina that responds to friction, so humping her is only for your own pleasure. You cannot think, wonder, or even hope that she's enjoying it just because you are enjoying it.

What your wife has are erogenous zones. They are areas in her vagina that respond to pressure, not friction. There are several of them, you can look up the others but the two easiest ones are the A-spot and the G-spot. The A-spot is located deep within. Some men are not large/long enough to reach that one. If you are, then you have to find it. You have to focus on pleasing her by stimulating her A-spot, and you have to last until she reaches orgasm, so if you cannot control your orgasms you need to get busy working on lasting longer. Her A-spot is not difficult to find. Instead of humping, take your time and penetrate all the way in (don't be painful, but I don't know how big you are), apply pressure for a couple seconds or three, and then retreat for a second. Then do it again, again, and again. This creates passion and ecstasy in her, and you will notice in her breathing and possibly moaning. After a short while, you can speed up a little bit at a time, but remember you're applying pressure, not humping, so you don't want to withdraw too far away. After a while, you can start gently pumping. Do this by applying pressure all the while but in very short spurts. Don't withdraw into a hump. Just stay deep and gently pumping. She probably won't orgasm quickly, so you have to be able to last. When she does orgasm, it will be explosive, and then you can cum along with her. If you can't last and you cum before she does, she will be extremely frustrated, and you will be the worst lover ever lol. Remember "She cums first."

But not to worry if you are not large enough to reach her A-spot because her G-spot (this is not her clitoris contrary to popular belief) is much closer and easier to access. A man of any size and length can stimulate a woman's G-spot and bring her to explosive orgasm. You just need to know how to locate it. Just like men are built in different lengths and sizes, women are too, so the G-spot is not in the exact same place for every woman. It's in the exact area but not the same spot. For some, it's only about an inch inside her vagina. It might be 1.5 or 2 inches inside for others. The roof of your mouth is very ridgy. Use your first two fingers to locate her G-spot on the roof just past the opening of her vagina. It's a ridgy area similar to the roof of your mouth. Once you find it, crook your fingers (like you're telling someone to come here) and rub the area while applying pressure. She will love it. Do it until she orgasms. And, now that you know where her G-spot is located, you can also bring her to orgasm with your penis. For easiest access, place her feet on your shoulders with her knees bent. Enter her no further than where her G-spot is located and pump. The G-spot demands a good amount of pressure, so don't pump too gently but don't hurt her either. Even more pleasurable is if you apply pressure in long strokes and build up to pumping as I described in stimulating her A-spot. Don't be surprised if she ejaculates during her explosive orgasm. Just do not think it's urine. She is not peeing on you. G-spot orgasms often make a woman ejaculate a warm fluid.

If you don't go down on your wife, then shame on you because you should. If you do go down on her and are not bringing her to orgasm every single time, then you're not doing it right and just need to know how to do it properly. First off - do not flick your tongue. A lot of men think they are doing something by flicking her clit with their tongue, but that is nothing but annoying. Also, don't concentrate on her clit for too long at a time. Teasing is best initially. The way to suck on her clit is to encompass it with your lips and suck with your lips pursed as if drinking from a straw. Her clitoris is much like the head of your penis but even more sensitive. Right at the base of her clit is the spot similar to your frenulum but much more sensitive. The length of area between the clit and vaginal opening is also sensitive and responds very well to pressure. Use your tongue to stimulate these areas and bring her to orgasm. Gently suck and play with her clit with your tongue but concentrate mostly on the areas directly beneath it, and then go back to the clit. When you're ready to make her cum, gently suck on her clit until she moves your head away.

All the while, you will be driving her crazy, and she'll try to get away from you. But don't let her. Stay with her and make her scream. She will love every moment. During her actual orgasm, she will probably go quiet and won't make a sound, but don't stop until she pushes your head away. She will push you away after the orgasm because her clit will become too extremely sensitive to touch. After you get comfortable doing this over time, you might want to play dirty sometimes and not let her push your head away. I had a boyfriend do this to me before. After many months of us making love and getting accustomed to each other's routines, I wasn't expecting that he wouldn't let me push him away this particular time. He kept sucking on me, and I kept trying to get rid of him. I started screaming at him (angrily) because I was too sensitive and couldn't bear it, but he kept at it and before I knew it, I was screaming in ecstasy within just a few short moments. It felt better than the first time and my second orgasm was a LOT stronger. After I came, we both started laughing. He was quite proud of himself for tricking me, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Now you know several ways to make your wife orgasm. You won't have to wonder or worry about her pleasure anymore.


2.
We have talked about things. She tells me I think to much about it. She tells me everything is fine. She tells me it's ok.
It's not okay. Under no circumstances is it okay. No matter what she says, it is NOT okay. Women say "it's fine" and "it's okay" and "don't worry about it" when they don't know how to talk about it. They don't know how to talk about it because they don't know what to say. Pleasure from sex is easy for you. As you can see from what I explained above, it's much more complicated for women. We don't know how to talk about it or what to say until we learn about our body and learn what pleases us, and we don't learn until those pleasing things happen to us and we see how our body responds to them. They don't happen to us until we are with a man who is knowledgeable and skilled at pleasing us. Up to that point, we have no idea what pleases us until it actually happens. A very good example is how many women (including lots of women on this board) say they don't or can't have vaginal orgasms. They think the only way they can orgasm is by clitoris stimulation, but those are the only orgasms they've ever had. It doesn't mean they can't have vaginal orgasms. They simply don't know they can because they never had one. If they were with a guy who knew how to make them orgasm vaginally, they would see it's not impossible.

That's why your wife won't talk about it. She doesn't know how you can please her any more than you know how to please her because you haven't done it, so the subject is a source of discomfort for her. She wants to be pleased and she wants to orgasm. She just doesn't know how to make those things happen and doesn't know what you can do to make them happen, so she has no idea what to tell you. So far, she probably feels like sex is mainly for men to enjoy. She's likely wondering what all the hullabaloo is about from the female side of things. So, she goes through the motions for your sake and for your pleasure, and she puts you off any attempt at discussion.

We learn about sex and orgasm from men we are intimate with. The more experienced and skillful the man is, the more we learn about our sexual pleasure. That means her orgasms are up to you. You have to get better in bed without her help because she doesn't know how to help you. I gave you some surefire methods, but you should google and research because there's still a lot more you can learn. Just don't make the mistake of thinking you can learn anything from porno videos. Pornography is the antithesis of female pleasure. You can't learn anything from pornography except how to disrespect your wife in the worst ways. And then, don't be surprised if she starts making excuses not to have sex with you.

Sorry I wrote so much but you needed this education.
 

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I have a lingering question that has been bothering me for a while. When we have sex, sometimes I have a hair trigger other times not. Sometimes she is into it, most times not that much. Sometimes she orgasms, sometimes not. We have talked about things. She tells me I think to much about it. She tells me everything is fine. She tells me it's ok.

I don't truly believe her, but what can I do? So I have a couple questions:

1. Does your SO tell when it is not good for them?

2. How do you get better in bed without help from your SO? I have asked. I have talked. Nothing!

I believe that both the quality and quantity of sex would improve if I (or she) were better at it. Looking for suggestions.
1. She will tell me if I go somewhere she's not ready for.

2. My wife is similar. Usually she responds that I should do what I like to her.. I'm quite imaginative, but I find it a little frustrating that she never takes the initiative. Her previous husband was very domineering (and a complete arsehole with it) so she never developed from being passive. However, as it is all down to me, I push the boundaries every now and then, she usually enjoys the surprise. She likes things that she feels too inhibited to ask for. Once she gave me a copy of "nine and a half weeks" - clearly a hint to spice things up ;). She is in the habit of passing me a book if she thinks I will enjoy it and, shock horror, there's a bit of deviancy in it.
 

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As a woman, I enjoy every second of every minute during sex with my SO. Everything from the hour long sessions where he gets off more than me or the quicky where Im off in 2 minutes and it takes him 4. There are times where I dont get off at all (not for lack of anything) but he does and I still love it all the same. I enjoy every second of it with him. And this doesnt even include foreplay or sex outside of PIV!

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Same here. Why do men worry about it? I don't get it.

What do they think should happen?
 

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You don't have much choice but to listen to what she says, if she won't say more. All you can do, is occasionally ask if there is something you could do differently that might make things better. If the answer is consistently No, then you're either doing things to her satisfaction, or she has a block against talking about this subject - and that's a different problem.

We give each other feedback in the moment if it's a quick, easy modification. Or we'll discuss things at another time if we want to try something more complicated, or if there are changes to sequence or process. We also experiment, and we change things over time anyway. We've been able to maintain quality and frequency over the years, without ever getting bored.
 

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I have a lingering question that has been bothering me for a while. When we have sex, sometimes I have a hair trigger other times not. Sometimes she is into it, most times not that much. Sometimes she orgasms, sometimes not. We have talked about things. She tells me I think to much about it. She tells me everything is fine. She tells me it's ok.

I don't truly believe her, but what can I do? So I have a couple questions:

1. Does your SO tell when it is not good for them?
I can't really answer this one without writing a book. I will just say that my marriage is so different from yours that my answer would likely be unhelpful.

2. How do you get better in bed without help from your SO? I have asked. I have talked. Nothing!
It would depend entirely the context of the rest of the marriage. I have not followed you, so I am only seeing what you said here. I am inferring that she does not have issue with your sex life. And that you try to talk about it with her. You will have to read with a grain of salt whether or not my experience parallels yours enough to be useful.

Sex for me (long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) used to be not great for me with DH. The best things he did were not talking. I did not have the capacity to instruct because a) I did not know well enough what was possible TO instruct b) it took away some of the magic to try to describe what I did not want to become a medicalish and clinical type experience. His knowledge came with building trust in me. (Hindsight. Neither of us would have said we did anything at the time.) The first thing he did was remove any sexual pressure. As counter intuitive as it sounds, it came from stopping talking. If he initiated, and I seemed pesky about it (since some resentment had snuck in of the all you want is sex variety) he stopped with something like it looks like you aren't interested. He did a lot of non-sexual (really non sex expectation) touching. When we were having sex, he slowed way down. He looked and listened while we were touching to really see and hear the experience for me. It grew from there.
 

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I have a very easy to please and laid back Aussie husband. My main aim in sex is to make sure he enjoys it, which he does.
I often ask him if there is anything else he wants to do, and he usually says no, I enjoy what we do.
I will wear sexy clothes for him, and I often ask if there is anything particular he wants me to wear and he will say, its the fact that you WANT to dress up for me that matters, not what you wear. His former wife didn't want to do this, so for him its a pleasure that I do. His former wife controlled sex and very often rejected him, and I never say no or ever use sex in any sort of controlling way.
He thinks he is the cat that got the cream, perfectly happy with the things we do and at last he has a satisfying and enjoyable sex life with a wife who actually WANTS to have sex with him.
Sometimes we just need to realise that some people are very easy going and easy to please and believe them when they say thy are happy with the way things are.
Not all people want anal sex or even oral sex, not all of us look at porn and want to act out what we see there, or are into B and M or have fetishes.
I honestly feel blessed to have him.
 

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According to my wife, there's no bigger turnoff than me worrying about if she's enjoying it, whether I'm doing it right, or especially whether or not she cums. She honestly enjoys it most when I just do it living in the moment.

The irony is that all those things i want for it to be good for her are only likely to happen if I'm not specifically focused on them. It is not logical, but it is so. It can be a difficult thing for a Type A, goal oriented, linear thinking man to adapt to.
You've hit something here. I love it when DH is focused on ME. I hate it when he is focused on some specific response be it orgasm, squirting or whatever. It really feels like it is really making it about HIM when he does that. Like proving his stud prowess or something.
 

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Do all of the above.

Don't worry.

Learn how the female body is built. Read a book. Porn gives anatomy lessons but no more, if you want to see vajajay construction.

Read a book on how to please a woman. Develop your confidence.

Did I say understand fully how a female body is constructed, every book and cranny? You've got to understand physiology of her body.

Learn her mind, without too much asking her. PS don't keep asking her the same questions.

Use her body as your personal play toy and land to explore.

This is critical, with the above under your belt: learn HER body, what makes her quiver or turn non-responsive. What makes HER unique.

Not all encounters will be mind blowing. Some will, remember those actions.

Have frequent sex.

Quit asking her "if it was ok".

Her body language is there for you to read.

You're on the right track!
 

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1. Does your SO tell when it is not good for them?

2. How do you get better in bed without help from your SO? I have asked. I have talked. Nothing!

I believe that both the quality and quantity of sex would improve if I (or she) were better at it. Looking for suggestions.
1. Yes, my W does say when it was good.

2. I often ask my W what she would like in the heat of the moment. My W will normally say keep doing what you are doing. However, my W has alway said do what I like. So I do what I like. We are both satisfied.

Sometimes you just have to take it(quoting my W). So I take it. As a result, quality, quantity and length of time going at it has improved. Sometimes you just need to take the lead. Some women prefer the man takes the lead.
 

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Frustrated_Hubby, please don't ever ask your wife what she wants you to do in the heat of the moment. She needs you to be skillful and confident in what you are doing. If you can imagine a movie you've seen where the actor is in a daydream or blissful state of euphoria, and then you hear the screeching sound of a record scratch, and the actor gets his concentration whiplashed back to reality. Well that's what you will be doing to her. Maybe some women don't mind that but most do mind very much that you blow her orgasm to pieces.
 

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According to my wife, there's no bigger turnoff than me worrying about if she's enjoying it, whether I'm doing it right, or especially whether or not she cums. She honestly enjoys it most when I just do it living in the moment.



The irony is that all those things i want for it to be good for her are only likely to happen if I'm not specifically focused on them. It is not logical, but it is so. It can be a difficult thing for a Type A, goal oriented, linear thinking man to adapt to.

Because she probably doesn’t want you to do sexual stuff FOR her, she wants you to do it TO her, for YOUR satisfaction.
When you are hungry, do you think much whether the food worries about whether you are chewing it efficiently? (Wow, that came out sexist!). Eat it as if you are starving!
She is self-conscious because you are (and the OP).
One of the most helpful tips my wife ever gave me was: USE me for your pleasure and my pleasure will reveal itself to you!

Don’t know where she comes up with these things....bible?


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