[areyoukiddingme]

Hello,

My first time to post after lingering for some time. my wife and I seemingly are always at odds, but the latest argument is definitely taking the cake in intensity and ultimately I believe is leading to the dissolution of our marriage.

I've been told that it's my fault and I'm a complete a*****e. So what's the situation:

In essence, it comes down to other women. She believes, as firmly as possible, that a married person is unable to find ANYONE ON EARTH other than their wife good looking. This is absolute nonsense I believe, but she is going so far as to say that if I can find another woman good looking, then the marriage is over and meant nothing.

How did this come about you ask? it's not like I walk around saying someone is good looking or anything. I was asked what I thought a particular person looked like. Not wanting to lie to my wife, I told her she was a good looking girl and left it at that.

Well you'd think I had cheated on her by the response. She has claimed I don't love her, never have, that I'm having thoughts about this woman, etc, etc etc... None of which is remotely the case. I think my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world (and I tell her so all the time). We have an incredibly healthy sex life as well, so I'm not depriving her there at all.

So anyway, I guess I'm curious as to if I'm in the wrong. I think it's perfectly natural to find other people good looking and leave it at that. There's no hidden desire, no lust, no attraction (in the "i want so and so" sense)...

Right now, as crazy as it sounds, this seems to be the end of our marriage as my wife insists that no other man in the world, since she has met me, is better than average. *sigh*

What can I possibly do? This argument has lasted longer than anyone could dare guess, with her on my butt every day. I beg for her to stop and she won't. I try to reassure. Nothing works. I'm at a loss here.

Please help.

-areyoukiddingme

 

[waiwera]

Possibly one of the silliest reasons for ending a marriage I've read on TAM and that's saying something.

She is clearly incredibly insecure. Is she this daft about other issues too?

First up...stop begging. It's a power trip for her and makes you look unattractive.

Not much you can do until she is willing to talk. Have you ever done any marriage counselling?

How do you deal with other conflicts in the marriage?

 

[costa200]

Right now, as crazy as it sounds, this seems to be the end of our marriage as my wife insists that no other man in the world, since she has met me, is better than average. *sigh*

:lol:

I know she hasn't met ME, but come on...

She is being silly. A person doesn't become blind to others just because of a relationship. And she knows this. Because she is lying.

She is placing unreasonable expectations on you. This is either a huge case of extreme insecurity or she is searching for an excuse to have a fight.

 

[rj700]

There has to be more to this story. If this is over a one time comment that was actually in response to her question, then it is the mother of all over reactions. But I would guess there is much more to it than that.

I was asked what I thought a particular person looked like. Not wanting to lie to my wife, I told her she was a good looking girl and left it at that.

And if not, is this TRULY your very first indication of her intense level of insecurity? Perhaps the right answer would have been: "compared to you, she's just average"!

 

[Cosmos]

That's ludicrous. Both men and women will always notice the attractiveness of a member of the opposite sex, and it is no indication that they are likely to cheat on their partners.

Ogling and continually making comments about them to our partners is another thing altogether, but you have told us that you're not doing this.

 

[Pault]

Lord help us if we did not see others as attractive or prett etc.

When someone asks for your opinion and you give it in the manner you desribe then yep its about as harmless as it comes but, for someone who is very insecure, who may be wondering why your with them at all its paramount to haveing full blown sex with that person. Yes your W is in this situation being really unreasonable as you have not said the other party is better looking etc than her youve just been honest. This is always difficult to hadle because no matter what you say at present youll be saying the wrong thing.... bet your feeling that already?

You can try letting the dust settle , but keep giving afirmation of your feelings for her. Comments like "yes they are sorta attrective but not compared to you" are a little cheesey but said the right way can be a massive moral boost as well.

What ages are you, is she showing signs of disengaging from you emationally, have you bee n in a situation where she feels threatened by other women?, Does she think that you are maybe seeking solace else where?

 

[Mavash.]

Didn't you read the married men handbook? When women ask these idiotic questions you are supposed to LIE LIE LIE. Do these jeans make my butt look big? Do you think she's prettier than me? Would you marry me again if you could go back in time? Do you think I'm fat? What's one thing you would change about me if you could?

It's a trap. All of it.

That said your wife is being silly and to say this is an overreaction is an understatement.

 

[Hope1964]

I don't know if you should lie about it, really, unless she's asking ALL THE TIME. I know hubby finds certain women attractive, and he knows I find guys, and women, attractive. Neither of us shoves it in the others face though. Denying it is ludicrous - there's several billion people on the planet, there's no way any normal person wouldn't find at least ONE of them besides their spouse attractive.

Your wife has issues.

 

[Emerald]

What is the back story here?

Any history of cheating on either side?

 

[TCSRedhead]

There are definitely some issues here. I KNOW my husband finds other women attractive, just as I find other men attractive. It's what you DO with that that can cause problems. Sometimes it's fuel to add to the fire in your bedroom, some people use it as a mirror to turn their sexuality off.

Hubby worked on film/tv sets for most of our marriage with some very attractive women. If he had said they weren't, I would have wondered why he felt he had to lie to me. I have no doubt some of the hotter sex we had during that time was after he treated some of them. I would have been the same way if I'd been interacting with a really attractive, off-limits man all day!

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Wife is acting totally crazy!

Is your wife extremely religious? Does she equate viewing someone as attractive with "lusting in your heart" which IS a sin about which the Bible admonishes us to beware!

If she is NOT extremely religious, then I can't think of ANY REASON for her really STUPID comments:

a married person is unable to find ANYONE ON EARTH other than their wife good looking.

I've been told that it's my fault and I'm a complete a*****e.

This last one is INEXCUSABLE and begs an apology.

Tell your wife that the saying, 'Love is blind' is a METAPHOR, not a COMMANDMENT!

 

[Chelle D]

She's VERY insecure. She needs some self help books.
She needs a self-esteem boost. She needs some counseling, or maybe some psycho analysis.

Something from her past seems to be triggering this unrealistic need to be the "ONLY" attractive person in the world to you.

Now... maybe she is confusing someone being good looking & "attractive" to you having "attraction" to the same person. There is a big difference.

I mean... Heck, hubby knows that Mr George Clooney and Mr Scott Bakula are both "hotties" to me. But he also knows that I would never leave him for them. He knows that I am his & his only.

I know that my husband thinks other women are beautiful. (which they are). But, I also know that he would not cross the line and have a relationship with any of them.

 

[areyoukiddingme]

The historoy...Where to begin...

I met my wife under false pretense, and it was completely my fault. I was separating from someone and didn't tell her that at the time. It was wrong, i took accountability.

Compounding that situation, there were things in my previous relationship that I wanted to be keep private. I don't think when you meet someone you have to reveal all the things that happened prior. Some things are not to be shared. In my case, my previous partner and I had a more open relationship. It isn't me, and is something I would never ever try again. It feels wrong and just violates marriage in every way. That was something I chose not to divulge. Of course at some point my wife and my ex spoke, my ex lied about things, created a story, and BOOM - she learns part of something I thought was private, but not the whole story. It's all downhill from there

I tried telling her, for over three years now, that what has happened in the past A) Didn't involve her B) I'd never ever consider again. I want a wife and family. Period. Nothing more, nothing less..

I've tried everything in the world. I've allowed her to GPS track me, read all emails, look at my phone whenever she wants. You name it. I text her when I get somewhere, when a meeting starts/finishes, when something ends, etc, etc..

Her past involves one relationship - a guy she dated for 2.5 months that cheated on her. That's it. She never dated anyone else before me other than that guy. NO ONE. We met when she was 26, still living at home. Yes, at home.

Warning signs were always there, but love is blind. I'm questioned if I brush my teeth before I see her, if I wear cologne. If I wear a shirt that sleeves roll up when going to a meeting. You name it, i've lived through the questions. Endless at times.

I've always respected her, loved her, and cherished her. She can't let go of something that has happened in my past. Something that I'm not proud of nor would I ever want to do again. These past things play into future...

It expands beyond this too. I have to answer questions about why meetings took longer, who was there, who said what, what people look like, you name it. She'll look people up on the web to see pictures, etc. Then will accuse me if she feels threatened.

Now there seems to be no escape. She's made such a big deal out of this "you can't find another girl attractive" that there is seemingly no end to the problem. I've been arguing withher non-stop for 12 weeks. Yes WEEKS. Every day. Every night. She never lets up. Always accuses. Hell, she's had PIs on me, and they've never reported back anything. Why? Because i'm 100% faithful, loving, and want nothing more than my wife.

I support her every need to the best of my ability. Reassure her constantly, express my love for her whenever I see her. It's genuine too. I don't do it out of necessity, but out of true adoration for my wife. We are very active in the bedroom as well when we aren't arguing, averaging around 4-5 times a week. How can she still feel so insecure?!

Have I been perfect? No, I haven't. I take accountability for what I've done. I've worked as hard as possible to attempt to show her that I want nothing more than her in my life.

Hope that helps everyone understand a bit more... I'm so frustrated. I've endured her interrogations for years now, no exaggeration. Mentally I can't take it much longer. I'm about to lose it.

Sorry if I rambled. I'm just so frustrated.

-areyoukiddingme

 

[fallensoldier]

The historoy...Where to begin...

I met my wife under false pretense, and it was completely my fault. I was separating from someone and didn't tell her that at the time. It was wrong, i took accountability.

Compounding that situation, there were things in my previous relationship that I wanted to be keep private. I don't think when you meet someone you have to reveal all the things that happened prior. Some things are not to be shared. In my case, my previous partner and I had a more open relationship. It isn't me, and is something I would never ever try again. It feels wrong and just violates marriage in every way. That was something I chose not to divulge. Of course at some point my wife and my ex spoke, my ex lied about things, created a story, and BOOM - she learns part of something I thought was private, but not the whole story. It's all downhill from there

I tried telling her, for over three years now, that what has happened in the past A) Didn't involve her B) I'd never ever consider again. I want a wife and family. Period. Nothing more, nothing less..

I've tried everything in the world. I've allowed her to GPS track me, read all emails, look at my phone whenever she wants. You name it. I text her when I get somewhere, when a meeting starts/finishes, when something ends, etc, etc..

Her past involves one relationship - a guy she dated for 2.5 months that cheated on her. That's it. She never dated anyone else before me other than that guy. NO ONE. We met when she was 26, still living at home. Yes, at home.

Warning signs were always there, but love is blind. I'm questioned if I brush my teeth before I see her, if I wear cologne. If I wear a shirt that sleeves roll up when going to a meeting. You name it, i've lived through the questions. Endless at times.

I've always respected her, loved her, and cherished her. She can't let go of something that has happened in my past. Something that I'm not proud of nor would I ever want to do again. These past things play into future...

It expands beyond this too. I have to answer questions about why meetings took longer, who was there, who said what, what people look like, you name it. She'll look people up on the web to see pictures, etc. Then will accuse me if she feels threatened.

Now there seems to be no escape. She's made such a big deal out of this "you can't find another girl attractive" that there is seemingly no end to the problem. I've been arguing withher non-stop for 12 weeks. Yes WEEKS. Every day. Every night. She never lets up. Always accuses. Hell, she's had PIs on me, and they've never reported back anything. Why? Because i'm 100% faithful, loving, and want nothing more than my wife.

I support her every need to the best of my ability. Reassure her constantly, express my love for her whenever I see her. It's genuine too. I don't do it out of necessity, but out of true adoration for my wife. We are very active in the bedroom as well when we aren't arguing, averaging around 4-5 times a week. How can she still feel so insecure?!

Have I been perfect? No, I haven't. I take accountability for what I've done. I've worked as hard as possible to attempt to show her that I want nothing more than her in my life.

Hope that helps everyone understand a bit more... I'm so frustrated. I've endured her interrogations for years now, no exaggeration. Mentally I can't take it much longer. I'm about to lose it.

Sorry if I rambled. I'm just so frustrated.

-areyoukiddingme

Wow. Speechless.

 

[CanadianGuy]

When you say that when you met your wife you were separating from someone what does that mean exactly? Were you still having sex with this person? Did your wife find that out?

 

[rj700]

That explains a lot, makes much more sense. I think there are several things going on here. First, based on what little you've said about her past, she would seem to have started out with some trust issues. But then you compounded that in probably the worst way.

I was separating from someone and didn't tell her that at the time. It was wrong, i took accountability.

How long into the relationship before you told her this? Before you were married or after?

It is one thing to have a well established relationship which then blows up due to lies. But when a relationship starts out with lies, that's a huge mountain to climb. First, you might get a lot better advice & feedback over on the coping with infidelity forum.

I don't think when you meet someone you have to reveal all the things that happened prior. Some things are not to be shared.

Maybe not when you first meet, but if you plan to marry someone, then you can't enter into it with this attitude. You are now paying the price and it may be that debt can never be erased with your W.

I think your only chance is to get into marriage counseling and to come completely clean - full disclosure.

 

[Mavash.]

And this is what happens when you aren't upfront about who you really are when things turn serious in a relationship. I'm not condoning her behavior but I can see just a bit where that might make her crazy. The fact that you lied by omission makes it extremely hard for her to trust you. However she needs to learn that interrogating you isn't going to accomplish anything but drive you away.

 

[costa200]

Well, you could have been the biggest dog alive and boned thousands of chicks while with her and that would still leave the demand not to find other people attractive in the stupid bin. It's just an unreasonable demand, no matter the back story.

No person alive can say that there is only one beautiful person in the world. That's just ridiculous.

More, people who say such things are lying and can't really be trusted. What you can say is that there is only one person you want to be with. That can effectively be true.

 

[moxy]

She is insecure. You are not honest enough with her or otherwise disconnected as far as she sees it. You two need MC. And a change of scenery to reconnect.

Take her on a trip. Show her that she matters. And, if she is still behaving this way, after a little attention, just stop enabling it and encourage therapy.

Try the five love languages, too.

 

[StoneAngel]

There are so many things going on here.
1. You say that your previous "open" relationship was private and not worth sharing with her. You also say since your wife ended up finding out about it, you have told her that was a thing of the past and something you are not comfortable with and would never pursue again. Unfortunately your words at this point don't really mean a lot, because what stands out in her mind is that it was easy for you to lie to her. (how you got together and your history)
I have read a number of threads on TAM about past sexual history being one's private business. I don't really agree with that. Sexual history is like many things a prospective partner uses to judge compatiblity in a mate and given that you knew her limited history I believe what is closer to the truth is that you didn't tell her about it because you didn't want her to judge you.
For me it is much the same as someone who is a recovery drug addict. If I met someone who had been addicted to drugs for years and was now clean and was holding down a stable job and had turned his life completely around, I believe I still deserve the right to know his history. I get to be the judge as to whether I take that chance and risk with someone. (Ther always is a chance of relapse, there is a chance of trading one addiction for another etc etc) I have the right to weigh those pros and cons. I don't believe someone else gets to make that decision for me by an act of omission. It may be wrong for me to be judgemental and lack faith in my partner's ability to stay clean, but that is still my decision. It is my decision based on my principles, faith, compassion, morality and a host of other things. It omit is an act of betrayal wrapped up in a "privacy" bow IMO.
When did she find out? Is it close to this last 12 weeks of fighting?
Was it close to the time she asked you if you found another woman attractive? Is the other woman you commented on someone you both know or someone random you saw in a public place? If it is someone you both know, your history has sparked this silliness.

2. She is really insecure. You can't make her more confident, but you can acknowledge that she feels betrayed, and acknowledge that it was a mistake on your part to with hold the information, stop expressing that you were justifide to withold the information. Re-inforce that you are doing what needs to be done to be transparent. Ask if there is something else you can do to make her more comfortable. Suggest IC.
3. Take control of the day-in day-out fighting. Express that you are willing to do what it is that she needs but you have a condition. That condition is that the daily fighting about this issue stops. She is an active party to the insanity that is happening in your household and she needs to get a grip on herself.