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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello,

I'm brand new here. I honestly don't even know how I made it here, but I might as well give it a try and see if I can find myself a little peace.

Here goes...

My husband and I have been married for 4 years - happily. Every single day for 8 years, he has made me feel like the most important person in his life. He hugs me, kisses me, holds me, communicates with me and has made me feel very secure. It has all been real, and I cherish every single memory.

We have a 15 month old daughter together. She is our entire world. I am not delusional. I know that she has changed the dynamics of our relationship. She has become the center of our universe, but parenting her has made our relationship even stronger.

........and then one week ago, we got into a small argument. (I know it is not about this argument, but this is when it came out) I don't know that you can even call it an argument. We had both had long days at work, and were both a little tired. We had both just gotten off work, and were kind of picking at one another. He went outside to mow the yard, while I cooked dinner. By the time he finished and came back in, I had cooled down. I poured him a glass of mountain dew and had it ready for him as he walked in. I told him it was a peace offering and I was sorry for being silly. I just wanted to enjoy the evening. He looked different. He looked cold. His eyes were angry. He told me he was tired of all this, and that I was ALWAYS in a bad mood and tired. I tried to hear him out and told him that I didn't feel that was true. I tried to remind him of all the things we had done in the last few days that were fun and didn't include any arguments or bad moods. I was totally lost on where he was coming from?! That night he left and didn't come home until 2 am. He told me he needed to drive and just clear his head. The next night it was 1 am. Friday night came and I had a girl's night out planned (the first one since my daughter had been born). I tried to cancel but he told me to go and that he needed some space. Saturday was worse and he was very distant towards me. I had never felt this from him. By Sunday, I told him that I couldn't live like this. It was tearing me up and breaking my heart. He was cold when I told him how I felt. He had no emotion. He told me he couldn't be the kind of husband I needed him to be and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I took off my rings and I packed my bags and went to my parent's house for what I had planned to be the night, with my daughter. We came home on Sunday evening because I knew it would be hell trying to put my daughter to sleep in a foreign place. He left again that night, but was in a little earlier (around 9).

Monday (of this week) came and I told him how naked I felt without my rings, in a text message. He responded with an "lol I bet". It crushed me. Where was my loving husband? What had I done to deserve this? We talked a little more and he told me he thought he wanted out. 5 days had passed, and he was already talking about filing for divorce. I literally felt like I was going to lose my mind.

I went home, packed his bags and set them at the door. I told him his bags were packed and that if he wanted to go, then go. BUT, if he wanted to stay with us and wanted to try to be a family then stay because I wanted him there more than anything. He came home, got his bags and left taking the money we had worked so hard to save for Disney World, in June. He already cancelled our plane tickets.

He already has a new checking account already, and has decided how we will split up our belongings. He has taken the only new car I have ever owned and (help pay for) and is driving it around leaving me and my daughter with my old jeep.

I'm surviving. Literally minute by minute, but I'm alive. Everything I do is for my daughter. Last week, we were meeting for lunch laughing, kissing, and holding hands on our lunch break. He made me laugh so hard I spit food out of my mouth. Today, he is a stranger. How? Why?

I want this marriage. I will do anything to save it, but I have to back off and give him his space. Last night, from his hotel room, he texted me that he misses me. I never knew I could feel this sad, and still function. Is he cheating on me? Did he snap? I have nothing to hide here. My closet has no skeletons.

Help me....
 

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Possibly an OW could be involved. Some investigation on your part will answer that question.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's difficult, I know. We've all been there. It's scary but you will make it through.
 

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We have a 15 month old daughter together. She is our entire world. I am not delusional. I know that she has changed the dynamics of our relationship. She has become the center of our universe, but parenting her has made our relationship even stronger.
If you believe that making your child the center of your universe--your entire world--for the past year and 3 months has made your relationship with your husband stronger, then you ARE delusional.

I'm not excusing your husband's actions (he should have discussed his feelings with you first), but how could you have not have seen this coming?

What you did was turn your husband from an equal marriage partner into a person whose only function in the marriage was to bring in money and take care of chores. You've made your husband feel like he's nothing more than an afterthought in his own marriage.

What you've done isn't that uncommon. James Dobson wrote years ago that this was one of the most common problems for people with small children. He said that to have a strong and successful family both parents need to set their priorities in this order:

  1. God
  2. Your spouse (for you your husband)
  3. Your children

Is that the way you set you have your life prioritized; is your spouse and your relationship with him a higher priority than your children? No, from your description you have set your priorities as:

  1. Your child
  2. Yourself
  3. Your husband

This may be great for you and your child, but it's damaging your marriage and family. By damaging your marriage and family you ARE damaging your child.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I do not have access to this phone records. It is a company phone.

As for what you said Blue Butterfly - Your reply was very rude and full of assumptions. Yes our daughter is the center of our universe, but EVERY evening, since she was born we have taken time for each other. I obviously have not met all of his needs and I take responsibility for that, but I'm a brand new mom. I'm doing the best I ****ing can. I have constantly told him that they are my entire world. I remind how that no man could ever come close to being as wonderful as him. He means everything to me, and he's always known that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
He has his own laptop, but it's a work laptop. I have the password and he leaves it laying around but I have not snooped. We've always had trust. Obviously, I was blind.
 

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The phone is not password protected although he does usually keep it in his pocket.
It won't do any good to go through his phone. They're smart enough to delete incriminating evidence (most of the time). Ride with a friend and follow him, use a recorder and listen to his conversations.

A betrayed spouse is more thorough, in investigation, than an FBI agent is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
The recorder idea is really good. I'm going to really consider this. I'm scared he will somehow find it, but likely he won't.
 

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My next paycheck says there's another woman. Start digging.
I'd wager HK's paycheck too.

If Blue Firefly's commentary was inaccurate with regard to your situation ignore it. However, it is sound advice as parents all too often put the kids above spouse - and God for that matter.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
He has never been one to talk on the phone. He is more of a texter. I'm afraid that if he's talking to someone it's through text messaging.
 

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He has never been one to talk on the phone. He is more of a texter. I'm afraid that if he's talking to someone it's through text messaging.
My STBX is a texter, too, but he talked to his OW for hours. You'd be surprised at the things they'll do for something new.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You are so right. It has always been a part of our relationship but never, up until this point, has harmed us. I have deleted my account because it doesn't matter to me. I don't even want it in my life anymore. He means more to me than ANY material thing or virtual face space ****.
 
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