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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My husband and I have been married for five years and have two small children. over these years he has convinced me to do a lot of sexual activities I thought were not a normal part of a marriage and I am morally against. I understand that things like watching porn together are relatively normal and although I am ok with it now I have not changed my opinion on it. One thing I was adament on is that I would never have a three way. When I'm aroused it's hard to not get into sexual things that I otherwise have absolutely no interest in. meaning i've tried for long enough to satisfy him that i have gotten myself to get hot about things he likes, not me, so that he enjoys it more, and, after some fights and him being depressed over it and saying he'll be depressed for the rest of his life and he should have done it before getting married, he took advantage of that and convinced me to do a three way. I tried to lay down some rules like this will be the only time cause he knows I am against it, but he kept talking as if he plans on convincing me to do it a couple times a year. the more I think about it, the more I want to say no, but i'm afraid of the consequences. we had a large fight over this and we rarely fight. and it would be cruel to have promised something that he says is so important to him and then just change my mind and i really don't want him to be depressed and resentful for any amount of time. how can I get him to remember the love he has for me and how he used to not want to push me into it because of the hurt it would cause me? it seems like he just can't get enough when it comes to sex. by the way five years ago the first time he told me he had watched porn he had felt extremely guilty about it.
 

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He's manipulating you with guilt and coercion to achieve his selfish goals.

I get it, I really do. I've tried to convince my girlfriend as well as several before her to have a 3 way, nothing I'd like more than to be with two women at the same time, heck most guys want that.

Difference is I don't resort to underhanded tactics and saying such "heart breaking" things as "I will be depressed for the rest of my life" and "I should have done it before I met you".

Next time hubby brings it up as well as your "promise made under duress" simply tell him to "F--k Off"
 

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My husband and I have been married for five years and have two small children. over these years he has convinced me to do a lot of sexual activities I thought were not a normal part of a marriage and I am morally against. I understand that things like watching porn together are relatively normal and although I am ok with it now I have not changed my opinion on it. One thing I was adament on is that I would never have a three way. When I'm aroused it's hard to not get into sexual things that I otherwise have absolutely no interest in and, after some fights and him being depressed over it and saying he'll be depressed for the rest of his life and he should have done it before getting married, he took advantage of that and convinced me to do a three way. I tried to lay down some rules like this will be the only time cause he knows I am against it, but he kept talking as if he plans on convincing me to do it a couple times a year. the more I think about it, the more I want to say no, but i'm afraid of the consequences. we had a large fight over this and we rarely fight. and it would be cruel to have promised something that he says is so important to him and then just change my mind and i really don't want him to be depressed and resentful for any amount of time. how can I get him to remember the love he has for me and how he used to not want to push me into it because of the hurt it would cause me? it seems like he just can't get enough when it comes to sex. by the way five years ago the first time he told me he had watched porn he had felt extremely guilty about it.
A few things here:
1) You say when you're aroused, it's hard not to get into sexual things you otherwise have no interest in. Are you saying that when you're turned on you do things that you feel are immoral? Either something turns you on or it doesn't. That sounds like a guilt/shame issue.

2) It's childish of your H to claim that if he doesn't get a threesome he'll be depressed for the rest of his life. Childish and ridiculous. If it were a normal sexual activity like kissing while you have sex, I could buy it, but I think threesomes are well outside the norm for sexual activity.

3) You seem to be dancing around the idea that maybe your H has a problem with porn. If so, he needs to ease off or stop the porn usage. I don't have a moral problem with porn, but it can mess with your perceptions if you watch too much of it.

4) You are correct that if you give in this once, your H will expect you to do it again.
 

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You are absolutely NOT required to do something you are not comfortable with.

His request for a threesome is NOT something most married women would agree to. Only a very small percentage would.

You should feel free to tell him NO, under no circumstances, ever.

If you are afraid this would create problems in your marriage, please understand that inviting a third person into your bed will also create problems, big ones, for you. Many people break up after a threesome unless they are all completely on-board with the idea and have established ground rules - any many times, they break-up even then, too.

NEVER invite a third person into your marriage unless you are both 110% person into it.

No matter that you gave in to his pestering in a weak moment and said you would; you have full autonomy over your body and mind and can certainly change your mind at any time. Otherwise, it's coercion and rape.
 

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So your hubby wants you to give him permission to cheat in font of you ? Because that's exactly what he is demanding here, and you know very well from experience that he will demand it over and over.

Three ways are for relationships you don't care about ending, they are not for successful marriages.

Btw, if you were to agree to a three way, what would be the difference with him just meeting up alone with another person to have sex, so long as he got you to ok or first?
 

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As someone who has had threesome's and foursomes with his SO... Don't do it. You wouldn't be doing it for the "right" reasons. As in, you're not doing it because you WANT to, you're doing it because he's coercing you into it. The odds that it breaks up your marriage is very high. If you need to, why don't you ask him if you let his mom decide for you...

C
 

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Stand up for yourself. Stop giving in to him. Sadly it may be too late in your current relationship to salvage your self esteem - you may have to leave this guy because he has experienced you giving in and may not be able to stop.

One of the signs of a co dependant of a sex addict is that they allow the sex addict to talk them into debasing sexual acts.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
but how do I say no without a huge backlash when I've already told him I wouldn't go back on my word? I understand that that was wrong and I shouldn't have promised something I can't do. but how do I help him see my point of view when his is so different and he'll think I'm just playing with him and torturing him? He is extremely opinionated and open about sex and the kind of person who thinks everybody should think like him.
 

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No self-respecting husband would ever demand anything as immorally selfish as that from his wife. IMO, he hasn't matured very much, if any, and just wants to subject you to that same immaturity.

I'd also be fearful that he's probably engaged in previous menage-a-trois' that didn't exactly include you. Have yourself checked for STD's.

And if he ever suggests that again, you have every right in the world to tell him to take a hike. You deserve far better out of life!
 

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Discussion Starter #10
he has not had an affair. i suspect this comes from the increase in porn. i see an elevating effect and would like to reverse it. as i said when he first told me he had watched porn he was extremely guilty, and it was honest.
 

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If you just say no and stop it now, it's his choice to end the marriage over it. If you go through with it, and it ends up destroying the marriage, it will be your fault.

Tell him that you were giving in to his pressure before, but you just can't do it. If he doesn't like that, then that's his issue to deal with.

C
 

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but how do I say no without a huge backlash when I've already told him I wouldn't go back on my word? I understand that that was wrong and I shouldn't have promised something I can't do. but how do I help him see my point of view when his is so different and he'll think I'm just playing with him and torturing him? He is extremely opinionated and open about sex and the kind of person who thinks everybody should think like him.
IF there is a huge backlash, that tells you a LOT about the kind of man you married.

You have a choice. Tell him no and have him huff and puff for a while like a spoiled brat. Or go through with it and hate him and yourself forever. Your call.
 

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Do you make it a habit to play with him and torture him?? If not, tell him to EFF OFF.

Like I said, though, it may be too late in this relationship. You may have to divorce him. You've let him treat you this way too long.
 

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If you think that he's so innocent in requesting this of you, then I can't help but feel that it's way beyond time for you two to fastly get into marriage counseling ~ that's the only way that he's ever going to get better!
 

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Discussion Starter #19
he is against counseling, does not want to talk to one, and doesn't want to pay $100 a session for me to go either. neither do I. i would like to do counseling if i could find a cheap one.
 

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well see that's the thing, he would like to eventually see me have sex with another man. I'm thinking something is not right here
So, first a threesome with a woman. Do that for a while, and then the threesome with a man. Do that for a while, and then what? Swinging? Cuckolding? Forced lactation (like that poor woman last week whose husband was wanting her to take pills and use a pump her breasts when she'd never been pregnant)?

How many cliffs are you willing to jump off of because he wants you to?

You need to draw your lines and your boundaries with what you will and won't do, and then stick to them. You are NOT required to go along with every fantasy that pops into his head, regardless of whether they do it in porn or not.
 
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