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My husband and I have been together for 4 years now, married for almost 1. We're going through some really tough times now.
The one dynamic we have is that we're dancing the Pursuer/Distancer dance. I'm the pursuer and he's the distancer...only when we have fights.
In my past relationships, this has never happened to me. I don't have any abandonment issues during childhood or in my adult life until I met my husband. I believe my husband's distancing traits have caused me to become a pursuer when we have conflicts.
We have always been arguing from the beginning of our relationship and when a problem came up, he would get mad at me and then abandon me and would start his silent treatment. If I call, he would't pick up..he would turn off his phone and become unreachable. If he did pick up, he was mean and condescending and would say things like "this conversation is over" and would hang up on me. I feel I deserve so much better than this but he would somehow made it feel like it was my fault.
I was able to handle it well at the beginning because I was emotionally healthy until it started to become the norm. I can't seem to stand the thought of his being cruel, stonewalling when we fight, and I don't even know why I need to just be around him to not feel anxious. I was never like this before our relationship. I'm not this needy type of person..but I'm not sure what happened to me.
We don't talk about any problems because my husband is avoidant. If I bring up a problem during calm times, he will shut me down by blowing up and turning everything against me, blaming everything on me, calling me names and assassinate my character in the process. If I do it during a fight, the same thing happens.
So the last couple of days, I'm hitting that point and learned about this Pursuer/Distancer dynamic. I'm not going to lie, I have often contemplate about divorce and did file for an uncontested one 2 weeks ago, but the process was stopped. I have started to stop pursuing him. We are not talking anymore again.
I want us to work out but I'm tired of being emotionally starved during tough times that I've become the pursuer. The only way for me to be emotionally safe during his silent treatment is for me to detach myself.
It's hard (but becoming easier) for me to not communicate and try to resolve our problems but it seems so easy for him to not talk to me for days. I have learned to stop loving myself emotionally and it's time I stop that now.
I don't want to be a pursuer anymore because I know how it's adding to the fire. What can I do to stop this dynamic if my husband will not cooperate, not even a little bit? He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and he feels justified to resolve problems this way, treat me this way.
I really with all my heart feel I deserve so much better than this. I'm not doing this to myself anymore. And I want this dance to end, whether it means we have to divorce or he has to change. I'm changing by not pursuing anymore.
Do I outlast his silent treatment and call his bluff to everything he has said (like he will file for divorce and move out, to which I'm cooperative and let him know it's okay for him to do both--he has done neither).
The one dynamic we have is that we're dancing the Pursuer/Distancer dance. I'm the pursuer and he's the distancer...only when we have fights.
In my past relationships, this has never happened to me. I don't have any abandonment issues during childhood or in my adult life until I met my husband. I believe my husband's distancing traits have caused me to become a pursuer when we have conflicts.
We have always been arguing from the beginning of our relationship and when a problem came up, he would get mad at me and then abandon me and would start his silent treatment. If I call, he would't pick up..he would turn off his phone and become unreachable. If he did pick up, he was mean and condescending and would say things like "this conversation is over" and would hang up on me. I feel I deserve so much better than this but he would somehow made it feel like it was my fault.
I was able to handle it well at the beginning because I was emotionally healthy until it started to become the norm. I can't seem to stand the thought of his being cruel, stonewalling when we fight, and I don't even know why I need to just be around him to not feel anxious. I was never like this before our relationship. I'm not this needy type of person..but I'm not sure what happened to me.
We don't talk about any problems because my husband is avoidant. If I bring up a problem during calm times, he will shut me down by blowing up and turning everything against me, blaming everything on me, calling me names and assassinate my character in the process. If I do it during a fight, the same thing happens.
So the last couple of days, I'm hitting that point and learned about this Pursuer/Distancer dynamic. I'm not going to lie, I have often contemplate about divorce and did file for an uncontested one 2 weeks ago, but the process was stopped. I have started to stop pursuing him. We are not talking anymore again.
I want us to work out but I'm tired of being emotionally starved during tough times that I've become the pursuer. The only way for me to be emotionally safe during his silent treatment is for me to detach myself.
It's hard (but becoming easier) for me to not communicate and try to resolve our problems but it seems so easy for him to not talk to me for days. I have learned to stop loving myself emotionally and it's time I stop that now.
I don't want to be a pursuer anymore because I know how it's adding to the fire. What can I do to stop this dynamic if my husband will not cooperate, not even a little bit? He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and he feels justified to resolve problems this way, treat me this way.
I really with all my heart feel I deserve so much better than this. I'm not doing this to myself anymore. And I want this dance to end, whether it means we have to divorce or he has to change. I'm changing by not pursuing anymore.
Do I outlast his silent treatment and call his bluff to everything he has said (like he will file for divorce and move out, to which I'm cooperative and let him know it's okay for him to do both--he has done neither).